Iwanako: Mean Time to Breakdown {updated 2015-4-1}

[hyroglyphixs]

Loving this story so far. Great writing and great character interaction

Anxiously waiting for the next update

[Helbereth]

Since I'm starting back a ways, I'm gonna toss in some editorial remarks with chapter headings.

Not So Cute:

Was this time simply a misadventure, or does it forebode a more frequent series of misfortunes?

Forebode sticks out for me here in that I think foreshadow might be more appropriate...

And, though the epiphany I had on Saturday—and the resolution that accompanied it—are already well on their way to wearing out their welcome, they’ve still affected the way I approach a situation that I’m otherwise familiar with.

Those em dashes might work better as commas.

Having read this one back at release, the only thing I should mention is that the rewrite on the collision scene is definitely an upgrade.

Bathory in her Castle:

I shouldn’t be living in the past, anyway. It’s only going to make me more unhappy, and it only person really affected by it is me.

"and it only person" That 'it' should be a 'the'.

To me, the pathos behind the verbal assault on Emi seems rooted in much more than her carelessness; it's definitely a large part of the reaction, but Iwanako is also despairing over her family in absentia, and life in general--Emi's timing also really sucked. Whether or not she deserved that much lashing is debatable, though I think a lot of opinions here are probably swayed by the more three-dimensional version we have of her character. At this point, all Iwanako knows about Emi is that she's a careless, blundering oaf who only regretted her hallway shenanigans after they nearly killed someone--evidently for a second time. If that's all you knew about someone who tackled you into unconsciousness, left you with a concussion, and could potentially have ended your life over their class schedule, you probably wouldn't hold anything back when they came bearing empty apologies--I know I wouldn't.

Setting aside the debate, I think this whole last chapter, and the one before it, are well-plotted and I'm eager to see the supposed pre-new-years update.

[Mirage_GSM]

And, though the epiphany I had on Saturday—and the resolution that accompanied it—are already well on their way to wearing out their welcome, they’ve still affected the way I approach a situation that I’m otherwise familiar with.

Those em dashes might work better as commas.

Commas? There's absolutely no reason for there being commas there. It's an itemization of two things (epiphany and resolution) connected by "and."
If you don't want dashes there, you have to use just blanks. I think the dashes work, though.

[Helbereth]

And, though the epiphany I had on Saturday—and the resolution that accompanied it—are already well on their way to wearing out their welcome, they’ve still affected the way I approach a situation that I’m otherwise familiar with.

Those em dashes might work better as commas.

Commas? There's absolutely no reason for there being commas there. It's an itemization of two things (epiphany and resolution) connected by "and."
If you don't want dashes there, you have to use just blanks. I think the dashes work, though.

The problem is the 'are' should be an 'is' if the dashes remain.

[Leaty]

(deadfic)

[griffon8]

you apparently spritzed up Griffon's comments so that they don't sound like this is deadfic, so I really appreciate that.

Yikes! Guess it's been a while since I looked at the page.

[Blank Mage]

I really appreciate your comments, and I hope I can deliver on your expectations. I also noticed that you're now a signatory to this fic's recommendation on the TV Tropes Katawa Shoujo fanfic recommendations page, and you apparently spritzed up Griffon's comments so that they don't sound like this is deadfic, so I really appreciate that. More pageviews means more feedback, and feedback is what motivates me.

Well, when I read a synopsis or comments section, "This fic is my favorite" isn't terribly informative. Since I tackled fics with more commentary on the basis that they're more popular, I figured I'd leave some positive reviews for the ones I liked. I always wonder why the authors never edit their own pages. Happy to encourage you, and I'll probably be on the forum from here on out.

Correction, Hanako cares nothing for maintaining appearances and social standing. Iwanako's friends only visited her because it would be rude not to, not because they actually cared.

This isn't strictly true. I suspect you may be confusing this fic with canon here (though Chapters 1 and 2 are probably the two I stand behind the least out of this whole fic, so they might be a little nebulous on this matter.) Iwanako's friends did care about her. However, their reactions to the situation revealed their immaturity, and an already overwhelmed Iwanako had to kind of forcefully push them aside.

Noted. I was mostly referring to the 'class project', which had the unintended side effect of lumping Iwanako's entire class into the same general 'friend' category, but I'll admit it can be a bit tough separating the facts from the depression-tinted information we get from Hisao. (Or Iwanako, as the case may be.)

Mai wasn't among this group, though; she didn't get along with this clique. Her situation with Iwanako is a little more complicated.

Mai seems to come up a lot, despite not having been introduced. I can only assume she'll play a larger role in future chapters.

[Guest Poster]

(I have a very love-hate relationship with TV Tropes, because its community has some very deep-seated issues, and I am too old for that shit. That being said, I would be lying if I said I was so humble that I didn't envy the rather elaborate TV Tropes pages that Reconciliation, Sisterhood, et al. have, and I find myself checking back occasionally to see if I have one yet. Maybe when Act One is over...)

Have you considered setting up a basic one yourself? Posting a recommendation for your own fic there would be tooting your own horn, but I personally don't see setting up a page for a fic that was already recommended by others in the same light, even if the fic happens to be your own.

[Helbereth]

Have you considered setting up a basic one yourself? Posting a recommendation for your own fic there would be tooting your own horn, but I personally don't see setting up a page for a fic that was already recommended by others in the same light, even if the fic happens to be your own.

It would still feel like tooting one's own horn, though. Authors are rarely objective about their own works, try as they might, and it's quite difficult to gauge the impact of something you've written, so any highlights you provide would probably either sound too exaggerated or disastrously understated.

[Guest Poster]

Authors may not be completely objective about their own work, but neither are fans of said work so the problem you highlight will pop up no matter who creates the page. I set up the page for my own fanfic there under the assumption that if I ended up putting something in there that was too exaggerated, despite sincere attempts to write a reasonably detached page, visitors would correct it upon visiting the page and noticing said exaggerations, so in the end the problem you mentioned would be a temporary one.

[Leaty]

(deadfic)

[Helbereth]

Fuck it, I sold out. I just tried to do it in the absolute least tacky way possible. Under normal circumstances I'd never have done this, but... screw it, this is my Christmas present to myself.

Let the experiment commence.

Honestly, I don't know enough about tropes in general to accurately define any of my submissions. Good luck with that, though.

[Leaty]

(deadfic)

[Comrade]

Ugh TvTropes.
This is going to be fun

[Leaty]

(deadfic)