OC "Neko" - Route [reconsidered]

[Mournful3ch0]

I know it isn't totally finished yet, but this is what I have to say about it so far.

The pacing is insane. Looking at the other stories, Hanako's is about 4-5 weeks(?), with Lilly, Rin, and Emi around nine. Shizune's is something crazy like 9 months because of the timeskip to graduation, but I digress. The point is that 4 acts taking place in the matter of a few days is just too quick for my tastes. I don't really have a grasp on who Neko is as a person (whether this is due to my poor reading ability or not is open to debate) nor Miki. Hisao seems very deeply involved with her in less than a week; that I don't really understand. At this point, they should still be getting a grasp on the fact that they are now a couple, rather than rutting like rabbits and considering threeways with Miki Miura.

The story seems, er, not inconsistent per say, but rather unbalanced. Lots of dialogue with minimal backdrop description. This also includes lots of moving around and comparatively little insight into character thought process (for my tastes, at any rate). One thing I must say I dislike is the whole ten paragraph scene thing. Chopping writing up like that and tossing the reader around makes it hard to follow. Maybe try, as others have suggested, fleshing the scenes out more and add more backdrop to better understand what is going on where with who and why.

Now, what I really did like was the story. The topic was very fresh and new and came with a new author and writing style which I enjoy (sans the 10 paragraph scene thing). The main love interest was very alluring in her own way, but the way the leg was described was fairly grotesque. As for the technical jargon, that is something that I enjoy reading. While I don't really like being totally lost in a sea of acronyms and slanguage, I can appreciate diving headfirst into a hobby and getting more acquainted with meanings, adding immersion to the way Hisao was introduced.

All in all, I enjoyed it enough to keep me reading to the end and I wouldn't mind seeing the other two options

Thanks for taking the time to write this and for sharing your ideas! Take care

[NekoDude]

[snip 40]

[dewelar]

ACT 4 PATH 2 - Scene 2: "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose"

I meant to comment on this before, but...dude, loving some of these quotes you're digging out. This one...by the great Kris Kristofferson...as interpreted by the great Janis Joplin...I need to go listen to this song now .

[NekoDude]

[snip 41]

[Maradar]

Wow. This shit is crazy. But that's okay, cause this is great writing. I don't see many problems with the writing, but if that's cause I'm getting too engrossed in the actually story, so be it. I'm not complaining. I thoroughly enjoy this!

[NekoDude]

[snip 42]

[Maradar]

Wow. What the fuck? I have no idea where this is going, but I'm greatly interested in it.

[Mirage_GSM]

First of all: If you want to edit those early chapters, do it now.
I don't think many people will reread the whole thing after it's finished just to find the places where you might have changed something. If you wat until you're finished, you might as well not do it at all.
In fact, I'm considering dropping this story altogether, since you seem to admit yourself that this is not more than a first draft. First drafts are not meant to be published.

Secondly these new chapters contain some logical issues:
- They sound a school wide alarm and suspend lessons because someone has gone missing? Why should they do that? How long has she been missing?
And in fact, it's Suzu. Her going missing from time to time could be expected with her condition. As soon as she wakes up she'll return to classes. Her condition is not exactly dangerous or even life-threatening.
- They send the guy with the heart condition running all over the place to gather equipment?
- Why does Kat need to find Miki, and why does Miki have to be sedated?
- That catering employee is about to lose his job, if he gives out alcohol to people not of legal drinking age.
- Even sleepwalkers would wake up if they fell into a puddle ^^°
- I know people can go to great lengths to blame themselves after a tragedy, but Kat blaming herself for this one is just creating drama...

[NekoDude]

[snip 43]

[NekoDude]

[snip 44]

[Mirage_GSM]

I'll refrain from commenting on the... unpolished nature of this story and concentrate on the other issues then...
Regarding Miki and Suzu:
No, I don't regard those other fanfictions as canon, but if you do, you should give your readers an indication of it.
In your story there is no hint to indicate that Miki and Suzu are even close, nor is there an indication that Suzu's insomnia is as insanely extreme as in some other fanfictions. (I'll leave that rant to the Professor, should he read this thread...)
Some of your readers might not have read those stories at all, and even if they did, they have no way of knowing you're referencing them.

Yes the catering employee could lose his job. The catering company itself could get fined or even lose its license. The same is true in the U.S. It still happens. I was a working musician and you have no idea how many times I've seen minors served alcohol at weddings and catered events.

Weddings and catered events are one thing. This is a school. For people with disabilities, most of which are on some kind of medication or other. Serving alcohol could reasonably kill some of them. They shouldn't even stock it in a place like that.

[Blasphemy]

This was my first -- and last -- attempt at fan fiction. I'll leave this to the experts from now on, since that is apparently all that is welcome to a voice here. Thanks for putting up with me as long as you did.

Seems to be just about the opposite of the impressions that I get from this forum. I'm continuously surprised at just how much friendly and constructive feedback all kinds of users here tend to provide, especially the more knowledgeable ones.

Now I didn't follow this story whatsoever but it seems you updated it quite frequently, which makes me wonder if you took enough of the feedback to heart. Because if you don't care much about feedback and improving your story/writing then this kind of forum isn't the ideal environment for your fan fiction anyways...

I may have more to say but since I you've already deleted all your comments I better don't say anything that isn't the case.

[bhtooefr]

Sad to see this has been abandoned and unpublished.

It needed work, sure, but was still an interesting story.

[Comrade]

I thought we were over the trend of deleting stories...

[dewelar]

It needed work, sure, but was still an interesting story.

My thoughts exactly. This had a lot of promise, and I understand the desire to get everything out that you want to get out all at once. I also understand that some people take criticism very personally, and think that because someone criticizes their story, they automatically dislike it, or reject it. In fact, it's typically exactly the opposite, especially in this forum. Most people, when they dislike a story or reject it, won't say anything. They'll just ignore it from that point forward. If they do post, it will be once and out.

I know Mirage especially can come off as abrupt or dismissive. They've admitted as much. But in the end, Mirage is doing us all a service by helping us to write better. You fail to heed Mirage at your peril . It helps if you take into account that there was something about this story that led people to comment, and continue to comment, even though the story had issues.

But, if you prefer to rush into leaving as you rushed into posting, that's your prerogative. Just know that, while I can't speak for everyone, I believe you're making a mistake.