OC "Neko" - Route [reconsidered]

[NekoDude]

[snip 34]

[NekoDude]

[snip 35]

[NekoDude]

[snip 36]

[bhtooefr]

Wow, that was cold.

[NekoDude]

[snip 37]

[bhtooefr]

Oh, I was sure it wasn't going anywhere good.

Just not quite that bad.

[MyCaptain]

Did you seriously think that choice was going to go anywhere else? When's the last time Hisao throwing down an ultimatum has ended in a good way?

As already have been said, sure it would never go down a good route but.. Flipping hell man, Neko (who totally is the girl with a decision to make) has got some serious issues if that is the way she would react to the only response (out of the given) that would make sense after dropping a truckload on him in very short time.

Whilst I actually enjoy this story I have to say that this has progressed way too fast with too little information being passed on to the reader. It's obvious that the story and where you want to take it is quite clear to you, but at times reading through this.. I dunno, I've felt more confused about what's happening than anything else. It just seems like abit too much that should have been told is left out and, in my opinion, the story suffers for it.

But still, I like what I've read so far, keep the updates rolling man.

[NekoDude]

[snip 38]

[dewelar]

Whilst I actually enjoy this story I have to say that this has progressed way too fast with too little information being passed on to the reader. It's obvious that the story and where you want to take it is quite clear to you, but at times reading through this.. I dunno, I've felt more confused about what's happening than anything else. It just seems like abit too much that should have been told is left out and, in my opinion, the story suffers for it.

But still, I like what I've read so far, keep the updates rolling man.

By all means, tell me where the holes are and I'll fill them in for clarity. I've been worried about saying TOO much and losing the pace.

For me, the pace IS the problem. My head is spinning from how quickly things developed (heh) in this story. It just feels...rushed, in every way.

[MyCaptain]

Agreed, and if this was the only ending I'd feel a need to explain. It will be revealed in the more favorable scenarios.

Ah, I thought you would but glad to be reassured of that.

By all means, tell me where the holes are and I'll fill them in for clarity. I've been worried about saying TOO much and losing the pace.

For me, the pace IS the problem. My head is spinning from how quickly things developed (heh) in this story. It just feels...rushed, in every way.

Yeah, dewelar sums it up perfectly here. There is nothing wrong with what you have written as such, it's just moving so quickly that I keep feeling that I've missed something.. For example: in 2-4 Neko/Kat kisses Hisao and breaks down crying because she's "not ready to lose him", this coupled with Hisaos "confession" in the next paragraph just felt.. Forced, rushed. I thought I had missed an update or two because it was moving so quickly. I thought that the way up to such an important part of their relationship would've been covered abit more.
It's not a major problem for me personally, everyone tells stories in their own way. But at certain points, like the one I mentioned, I get disconnected from the story because of it.

[Mirage_GSM]

And in more ways then one.
It's not just that the plot progressed extremely fast, your publishing (and from your comments your writing as well) got from the beginning of the story to the first sex in only two days.
It's what I told you after the first chapters: You should have taken the time to sit back and read over what you'd written so far a few times. There's no time limit for posting stories here, and rushing through the story will always impact quality.

[Oscar Wildecat]

Pacing issues aside, it is an interesting story. I've enjoyed it. (And hey, putting a "cat" in a story is always a plus... )

[NekoDude]

[snip 39]

[13loop]

Hey there, i like your story. The pacing did go a bit too fast, but people have already bit your ear for that, so i won't.

That ending hit me like a truck. I didn't expect it to be the bad end, but that just seemed a little bit too cold. I mean through out the story, i didn't get that kind of vibe from her. And if i'm not mistaken, didn't she make the first move, and not Hisao? She essentially just toyed with him and threw him out like a plaything. The two had a budding relationship, and i'm surprised she just ended it to abruptly, but i'm sure you have a plan as to why you did things like this. Gonna keep tracking this one

[Oscar Wildecat]

Thinking about it, I would like to know why Kat and Miki would stoop so low as to basically stab Hisao in the Heart, especially given that Kat knows why Hisao is at Yamaku. If is almost as if they were not content with just breaking things off with him, but making sure that he literally dies from heart failure.