The Ooe Way: A Natsume fic*CH.II 30/11*

[motokid108]

I've said it before, there is a disturbing lack of Natsume here, so I've decided to write and contribute my own fanfic of her. I apologize if it's of poor quality. It's my first time writing one, but all comments and feedback would be appreciated. It starts off at Lunch Evolution Theory en route to the Hanako/Lilly paths. Also volunteer proofreaders for future chapters are welcome, please PM if interested.

Ch.I “Open doors”

I still feel bad for making her run away yesterday, so I’d better say something.

“Um, hey there, Hanako.”

“H… Hisao?”

Well, at least she remembers my name.

“Hey… I just wanted to apologize for yesterday. I didn’t mean to startle you or anything. I’m just new here and thought I should get to know my classmates.” She fidgets in her seat uncomfortably. “Am I making you uncomfortbale?”

“I… I…” Uh oh. “Ithinkiforgotmybook!” And with that she’s off to the races. I stay there, kneeling at her desk looking and feeling like an idiot when I notice giggling at my side.

“Don’t let it get to you, she’s extremely skittish.”

“I guess so.”

“Naomi.”

“She said Hanako though.?”

“Yes, that’s her name. Naomi is mine. Inoue, Naomi. To my right is my partner in crime busting, Ooe, Natsume.”

Naomi seems pretty relaxed given what just happened. She’s a slightly smaller girl with less than shoulder length blonde hair, and piercing red eyes, though not in a hostile way. She seems friendly and bubbly, though nowhere near as extreme as Misha. Her friend to her right looks at me, and I notice something peculiar, but I can’t quite put my finger on what it is. Ah! Her eyes! They’re two different colors. They work well with her longer brown, slightly unkempt hair. “Ah. Well nice to meet you two. Nakai, Hisao.”

“Of course. You only introduced yourself the other day. Rather dully if I may add.” Ouch. She must’ve read my face because she follows that up with, “No offense, of course. You just seemed pretty down. And still do, to be honest.” Just how much does my face give me away? “Hey, what are you doing for lunch?” Her questions snaps me out of my thoughts and I look back to see Shizune and Misha have already left. Either they figured I ditched them, or they went without me.

“Er, nothing I guess.”

“Well then you should come eat with us! We’re in the newspaper club and have some work to do, but if you don’t mind some boring news talk, you’ll at least have someone to hang out with.” She has a solid point, so I agree and follow Naomi and Natsume to the cafeteria, then to the newpaper club room.

It’s more like a closet than a room. About 4 meters wide, but 3 times as long with a couple computers, a conference looking table with many chairs around it, and a big window at the end. I can only assume that’s where they hold their discussions. “Welcome to the news room, where no gossip goes untold and no secrets uncovered!” Naomi says stretching her arms out in a grandeur gesture. More grandeur than what the room actually looks, but she seems to be awfully proud of it, and it would be rude of me to point that out. I, instead, decide to nod my head.

“I must say, of all the newspaper club rooms I’ve seen, this has got to be the biggest.” I say

“How many have you seen?” Natsume speaks for the first time.

“One.”

“So this makes two?”

“No, this makes one.” Naomi and Natsume look at each other, then me. I can feel myself blushing. I can tell that was a failed attempt at comedy. We get down to eating, well I do. They seem to swallow their food without the benefit of tasting, or even chewing. While I continue to eat like a civilized human being, they begin to talk to each other about various stories and ideas. Once I finish my meal and down the last of my juice, Naomi starts to question me, asking me about myself and my life before Yamaku. As I explain, she’s typing, what I assume are my answers , into her computer without even looking.

“You misspelled that one.” Natsume says looking at the screen. At that point Naomi takes a quick glance to correct herself and immediately looks back to me, as if she had a severe dislike for the monitor. Then she starts pressing me on my reasoning for coming to Yamaku. I don’t quite shut down, but go quiet and look away. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see her slowly nodding her head with an “I see” kind of face.

“Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude or pry. We understand not everyone is comfortable with their reasons for being here. We put out articles when new students arrive to try to give the other students an idea of who you are. Getting your condition, especially when it’s not obvious, would help the others know what to avoid should they decide to get to know you. And if you’d rather, we won’t circulate the article.” Naomi says capping it off with a smile. “We’re just nice like that.”

“I guess you can put what you have out,” I start. “But I don’t feel comfortable enough to disclose that information with a school load of strangers.” I can feel myself easing into a slight comfort with the two, even with this setback. At least they’re not hounding me to join the Newspaper club like Shizune and Misha are with the student council. “I think class is going to start soon. Maybe we should head back,” I say trying to get out of this somber silence that’s begun to hang in the room.

[Bacon Elemental]

Ooh, glad to see someone took the initiative to try out a Natsume fic. I kind of had a little one-shot in mind where Kenji and his "shaman eyes" declare war on Natsume and her heterochromia. Something to that extent. Might just write and post it one day.

Anyway, about the story itself... I think the sample size is a tad small and the writing has some awkward parts, but it gets the job done. Although the encounter itself does make for a pretty interesting concept for a choice about whether to share the information or not (and sharing would trigger the start of a Natsume route or something to that extent).

If it's fine, I'll PM you the parts I would proofread on this little chapter. It's a pretty good start, though.

[griffon8]

As Bacon Elemental mentioned, it's a little rough. Will be interesting to see more.

It’s more like a closet than a room. About 4 meters wide, but 3 times as long with a couple computers, a conference looking table with many chairs around it, and a big window at the end.

A closet that's 4 by 12 meters? With a window and conference table? What kind of houses have you been hanging around in?

[Blasphemy]

“I must say, of all the newspaper club rooms I’ve seen, this has got to be the biggest.” I say

“How many have you seen?” Natsume speaks for the first time.

“One.”

“So this makes two?”

“No, this makes one.” Naomi and Natsume look at each other, then me. I can feel myself blushing. I can tell that was a failed attempt at comedy.

Made me laugh at least!

I have to question a scenario where Naomi and Natsume simply start interrogating Hisao though, even more so with Hisao actually agreeing with it, at least at first.

“Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude or pry. We understand not everyone is comfortable with their reasons for being here. We put out articles when new students arrive to try to give the other students an idea of who you are. Getting your condition, especially when it’s not obvious, would help the others know what to avoid should they decide to get to know you. And if you’d rather, we won’t circulate the article.” Naomi says capping it off with a smile. “We’re just nice like that.”

This in particular seems a bit surreal to me. I cannot imagine that putting out articles about new students would be a thing. That would be super awkward for most students in the first place — I mean who the fuck would want to introduce himself to the entire school like that? This being Yamaku and many of the students having conditions that may have originated in or caused traumatic experiences makes it even less likely.

e:

“I guess you can put what you have out,” I start. “But I don’t feel comfortable enough to disclose that information with a school load of strangers.” I can feel myself easing into a slight comfort with the two, even with this setback.

I don't think writing that a character doesn't feel comfortable in direct speech and then follow it up with him feeling comfortable works well. Would at least require a better transition. Although, I also can't really see why Hisao would get comfortable with the two after this lunch and interrogation.

[AntonSlavik020]

It is nice to see a Natsume fic. I initially assumed it would be Naomi x Natsume, but this works too. Like the other people said, decent opening. Just enough to have my attention.

[motokid108]

A closet that's 4 by 12 meters? With a window and conference table? What kind of houses have you been hanging around in?

I took this idea from the newspaper club room at the high school i graduated from, it really was like a long walk in closet, and 4X12 meters But there were computer along both sides down the whole length, so he walking area was about 5 feet wide with all the chairs pushed in, which was rare, so it was usually even less.

Made me laugh at least!

I have to question a scenario where Naomi and Natsume simply start interrogating Hisao though, even more so with Hisao actually agreeing with it, at least at first.

“Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude or pry. We understand not everyone is comfortable with their reasons for being here. We put out articles when new students arrive to try to give the other students an idea of who you are. Getting your condition, especially when it’s not obvious, would help the others know what to avoid should they decide to get to know you. And if you’d rather, we won’t circulate the article.” Naomi says capping it off with a smile. “We’re just nice like that.”

This in particular seems a bit surreal to me. I cannot imagine that putting out articles about new students would be a thing. That would be super awkward for most students in the first place — I mean who the fuck would want to introduce himself to the entire school like that? This being Yamaku and many of the students having conditions that may have originated in or caused traumatic experiences makes it even less likely.

e:

“I guess you can put what you have out,” I start. “But I don’t feel comfortable enough to disclose that information with a school load of strangers.” I can feel myself easing into a slight comfort with the two, even with this setback.

I don't think writing that a character doesn't feel comfortable in direct speech and then follow it up with him feeling comfortable works well. Would at least require a better transition. Although, I also can't really see why Hisao would get comfortable with the two after this lunch and interrogation.

Well at least somebody laughed, I was going for kind of a Nurse's type dry humor. Interrogation probably isn't the right word, I'll patch that up ASAP. As for the article, I figured it's not so much the student introducing themselves, as the newspaper putting out something about them, so others gain some idea of the student if they want to approach them. As far as the discomfort into comfort, I was thinking Hisao was comfortable enough to let them put something out at least, rather than just having them not circulate it, but not quite comfortable enough to let his condition be known.

Thank you all for the feedback. Sorry if it's starting out a bit shaky, as I said, this is my first time actually writing a fanfic so I'm not a pro yet.

[motokid108]

It is nice to see a Natsume fic. I initially assumed it would be Naomi x Natsume, but this works too. Like the other people said, decent opening. Just enough to have my attention.

I like to break to norms I guess. There will be more norm breaking later too

[motokid108]

CH.II “Exchanges”

Classes finish for the day, and I stretch in my seat. Sitting in this seat so long has got me feeling pretty cramped. Suddenly, I feel an energetic disturbance just behind my shoulder. I turn expecting Misha and Shizune to have flanked me and try to rope me into their business again, but instead I’m met by Naomi. A very energetic Naomi. Who is smiling. And doesn’t seem to be able to stand still. “Hey! Wacha doing!? Sounds boring! Come hang out with us!” she fires off without giving me time to reply. And with that, she takes off for the door with the same speed as Hanako the other day.

Natsume walks up to me, (at a much calmer and more reasonable attitude) and must’ve noticed my bewilderment. “She didn’t sleep well last night, so she downed an energy drink to keep awake in class. They seem to have a strong affect on her. She meant it though. No questions, well not like last time. In her current state, she may ask every question known to man, but I don’t think she’ll pester you about her past. She’s just looking for something to do. Seeing as we’re waiting for the rest of the club to hand in their stories for the paper, we have nothing really to do.” She looks at me, and I look back. We make eye contact, and both quickly look away in embarrassment. I can feel myself blushing, and I’m sure she is too.

“Er, yeah, sounds good. I’ve got nothing going on either.” We make our way outside, only to find Naomi passed out on the grass. Natsume quickly runs over to her and kneels next to her. While Natsume looks to be in pain, it seems to be more physical than emotional. A guy from our class walks up to them looking even less concerned.
“I didn’t see her convulsing or anything. She seemed to be pretty wired, running all over the place. Then she sat down, and passed out. It looked more like a collapse than a seizure.” He speaks as if seizures were a common occurrence.

“Thanks Akio. She had an energy drink, so I think it’s just the crash kicking in.” She says with slight relief written on her face, still kneeling.

“Need a hand up?” Akio asks.

“No thanks. I’ll just wait here with her until she wakes up. Thanks for keeping an eye on her though” She then shifts into a more comfortable position while Akio nods and walks off.

“Is she ok?” I ask

“Most likely. Like I told Akio, I’m sure it’s just the crash getting to her.” We sit in awkward silence for about 5 minutes. “So how are you adjusting to Yamaku so far?” She asks finally breaking the silence.

“Well it’s only my third day, so I haven’t had long. I’m still not sure how to act around others. As you seen, my approach with Hanako was less than smooth. I try not to, but I can’t help but to look at her scars. I stepped on a couple land mines with Satou, saying ‘I see’ and pointing out the times like it was obvious. But obviously, it’s not obvious to her.” Natsume lets out a small giggle which comforts me, so I launch into a small tirade that’s been bugging me. “And then there’s Shizune and Misha. With Shizune being so blunt, it kind of puts me off. Then when I’m talking to her, I don’t really know whether to look at her or Misha when I’m talking, which seems to put Shizune off. I’m used to looking at the person who’s talking, which would be Misha, but she’s only translating for Shizune and it really bugs me. For whatever reason, I can’t bring myself to look at Shizune when I’m having Misha translate. It’s so confusing!”

With that, Natsume nods and opens her mouth to respond, but is interrupted by Naomi stirring. “She lives!” Natsume exaggerates, startling Naomi. “If it’s all the same to you, I’ll take that hand up now,” Natsume says looking expectantly at me.

“Sorry, that wasn’t my deal,” I say looking away smugly. That’s when I get a swift kick to the shin.

“I’m sorry, what was that?” Surprisingly, or not, Naomi is giving me an evil smirk and is poised to strike another blow to the other shin.

“Hey! What if I had some kind of disorder that caused weak bones and you broke my leg? How would you feel then eh?” I snap back dripping with sarcasm.

“You don’t.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do. Akio has that. It’s called Osteoporosis. You don’t move like he does,or have a cane, therefore you don’t have it.” Damn, she connects dots quickly, doesn’t she? She also looks pretty upset. Maybe making jokes about other conditions is taboo here. With silence in the air, I do as I’m told and help the ladies get up. Naomi then starts to walk off.

“Don’t get too worked up about it. She gets moody around this time. Feminine problems…” Natsume says.

“Ah, thanks. I wasn’t sure if I had said something I probably shouldn’t have.”

“There may be a slight case of that too. Mind you, some people are sensitive of their reasons for being here, much like yourself. Everyone has their wounds. Some are fresh, some are old, some are literal, and not everybody likes to hear about problems. Even if they’re not their own problems. So for future reference, my advice would be to avoid using physical problems as the butt of jokes around here.”

“Understood. Thanks.” And with that, we start to walk after Naomi. We catch up to her just before the gates. “Hey sorry if I upset you. I didn’t mean to be insensitive to other people’s problems.” I apologize and bow.

“Yeah, sure you are buddy boy.” she's... smiling. Wait, what?

“Uh, that’s… not the response I was expecting…” Naomi then starts to laugh. Making me even more confused.

“If there’s one thing Naomi can’t do, it’s hold a grudge.” Natsume comes to my rescue and saves me from my confusion.

“So, are we cool then?”

They laugh and Naomi sticks her fist out. “Yeah, we cool bro.” I look at them and all my earlier confusion comes back 2 fold. And in either their mind or face reading, Naomi attempts to clear it up. “It’s an American thing. They call it a ‘fist bump’ like this.” And turns and gives some kind of secret handshake with Natsume.

“Doesn’t punching each others fists hurt?”

“That’s why you don’t punch hard, dummy.” Maybe these two are getting a little too comfortable with me too quick. “Uh oh, he mad bro.” Naomi says to Natsume

“Oh snap, he mad”

“You mad, bro?”

“Uh, what’s going on here?”

“We’re being American.”

“Americans are weird. At least your portrayal of Americans are weird. Maybe it’s just you two that are weird.” And I immediately realize I just played right into their
hands. Naomi gives the most evil, senile grin I’ve ever seen off TV and Natsume moves to her rear right. They look like they’re going to corner me.

“Oh so we’re weird, are we?”

“What makes you say that?”

“Are you worried?”

“Don’t worry, it’ll only hurt a little.”

Before Naomi can get the next, whatever they call this, in, I cut them off. “Yes you’re weird. What doesn’t make me say that? I am worried for you, yes. What’s going to hurt?” Perhaps that was a mistake.

“You hear that Natsume? He’s worried about you.” That throws both me and Natsume off and we both stare at her in shock. “Oh don’t give me that look. You totally want him.” Natsume rolls her eyes, rises her first over Naomi’s head, and drops it.

“Don’t be jealous that I’m the cuter of this duo.”

“Oh you keep telling yourself that deary.” Damn, these two are pretty comfortable with each other to throws these blows at each other in jest like this. “So then let’s settle this. Hisao, who’s cuter?” I should’ve seen this coming. I’m a fool to not see it coming.

“I’m gonna go ahead and keep quiet on that.”

“Hear that Natsume, he doesn’t think you’re cute.”

“Hey hey hey, don’t go trying to put words into my mouth.”

“He didn’t say you were cute either, you know?” Naomi looks at me in mock shock.

*gasp* “Well I never!”

“Hey that goes for you too missy.” i say looking at Natsume.

“Fine then! Obviously you don’t want to be with us. Come on Natsume, Let’s ditch this loser.” And with that they turn to leave towards town with their noses in the air.

“There you go putting words into my mouth again.” I say trailing them.

“The only thing I’ll put in your mouth is my fist!”

“So violent Ms. Inoue.”

“Like you wouldn’t believe.” The rest of the trip into town goes pretty similar to this. We stop in front of a little hole-in-the-wall place called "The Shanghai", and go inside. Luckily, before these two could start getting at me again, a server comes up and takes our orders. I get a coffee while the ladies each get a slice of cake and tea. “So Nakai, what are your plans for the festival?”

“Just call me Hisao, please. And I have none yet. I may just sleep it off.”

“Good, then you can just call me Naomi too.”

“Likewise for me being Natsume.” Natsume butts in.

“That’s too boring though, you should come with us instead. We’re going to cover the festival for the newspaper. That’s a good way for you to get out. You’re new, you should learn more about this school, and the people who inhabit it.”

“If I must, then I guess I will.” I think it’s safe to say spending time with these 2 cute ladies would probably be more fun than being cooped up in my lonely room. And like Naomi said, it would give me a good chance to learn the school and people better. After a while, our server comes up with our orders and we get to work on munching. The cake looks good. I regret not getting some, but it's too late for that. Perhaps next time.

[Riakai]

Eheheheheheh... Seems we've got similar ideas.
I'd love to read your fic, but I'm afraid I'd accidentally influence some of my own writing. Kinda like how Kunitaro in my story is borderline Kenta, from Tomorrow's Doom. XD

[motokid108]

Well let me know when you're finished with yours. I dont want to read yours and start unconsciously ripping yours off either

[motokid108]

I find this lack of feedback disturbing

[Mournful3ch0]

I find this lack of feedback disturbing.

Well, I guess I'll have to remedy that. Keep in mind I've done relatively little writing and have published none of it, so add a generous fistful of salt.

I still feel bad for making her run away yesterday, so I’d better say something.

“Um, hey there, Hanako.”

“H… Hisao?”

Well, at least she remembers my name.

This double spacing thing is a bit silly. I understand that it separates ideas in the author's (your) head, but reading a story broken up like that is a bit straining and causes me to want to check out of the story. A minor irritation on the best days, a cause for complete abandonment of reading on my worst. I want to point out that during conversation, you tend to focus less on details than should really be there. This ties in with the above example and what follows; relative sparsity of conversational description. Now, experienced authors (Helbereth, for example) include lots of detail after most bits of conversation to keep the scene alive rather than have two people stare at eachother unflinchingly like puppets (Now I feel reading Leaty's recent feedback is rubbing off on me; no offense intended) rather than interacting properly. Yes, it's Hanako and she is, rather unsurprisingly, quite nervous. Is she shuffling about in her seat? Brushing her bangs back over her face? Looking around like a scared cat? Deer in headlights? Yes, there was some of this when mentioning her fidgeting before taking off, but I'd love to see more.

Confused, I reply, “Um... thanks for what?”

“Getting my Hisao all fit and healthy, of course~!” she beams.

“Your Hisao?” I bark accusingly, sneering as I demand, “Whaddya mean your Hisao?”

There is a bit of slack to take up with the vocabulary in places. Things that have a profound effect on the way your message is read. For example, I read this line here and thought to myself, "Well, that's a bit funky."

I can see her slowly nodding her head with an “I see” kind of face.

You could replace this with 'look of understanding', 'sudden lack of inquisition', 'her face shifted to a point where she clearly decided to no longer pursue the matter at hand' if you want to get wordsy, onward and et cetera. Infinite possibility and that jazz.

I have noticed that your characters seem much more relaxed and less guarded when dealing with Hisao's past. Naomi dives right into it and seems only mildly apologetic after slapping him with that painful reminder, and Hisao looks the other way immediately. Caused a great deal of 'Hurrumph'-ing on my end. Later, Natsume casually chats about his past saying that he doesn't have to talk about it while ironically only reminding him of the most painful experience of his life; the very thing he didn't want to talk about. Yeesh.

Oh, and into chapter 2: I liked it. Not really that much to point out for you there that I recall. Story is progressing smoothly if a bit fast, but that's a-ok. i like where this is going, however having Naomi throwing Hisao and Natsume together in jest that quickly was a bit forward of people who had just met. Rather tactless at that. Most of what was written here was likely useless but I sure hope you enjoyed reading it. I need something to do sometimes. Anyway, best of luck with the continuation! I will be reading.

[motokid108]

Thanks for the feedback. Now i know what to look out for better. Negative criticism good, tells me what i need to fix. As far as Noami and Natsume being so forward, I think of it as their character. I see Naomi is being sort of like Akira. Both personality and looks (though i have nothing to do with her looks.) Natsume goes along with it, but isn't quite so abbrasive. But as i said, this is just how i see them in my story.