Fanfiction OC Intro "That Girl"

[Otzee]

Decided I'd attempt to write some Fanfic. It's just an intro much like the original (You'll notice some similarities and changes to the original) this is on purpose. I wanted to captivate the readers by giving them a familiar atmosphere while Introducing the "Heroine". I've used a similar narrative and Dialog style to the VN's approach. Criticism encouraged as they're probably a lot of mistakes was honestly an attempt, so be cool.

ACT 1 - Day 1 - "That Girl"

-(Morning) Classroom-
I'm glad I sit next to a window, although it has its drawbacks. For someone like me I often let my mind drift off while staring aimlessly at the outside world.

[Mutou]: "Hisao? Earth to His-" - Mutou muttered before being interrupted by a quite energetic voice.

[Misha]: "HISAO!" - Misha roared.

I jumped, I know this voice it could only come from the mouth of a certain pink haired girl.

[Misha]: "You gotta do it like that!" - She said while imitating a gesture of shizunes, eyes closed pointing her finger up looking quite pompous.

Shizune didn't look pleased, I'm not sure if its because I wasn't paying attention to Mutou or that Mishas impersonation was a little insulting towards her.

[Hisao]: "Uh, sorry. I was elsewhere" - I tried to cover my obvious ignorance.

I'm just tired today after transfering to Yamaku High and meeting my classmates, it all seems like a different world. Well honestly It is different compared to my old school. I didn't have to constantly avoid staring at dismembered limbs or anything of the like. I don't know if I should say something when I do get caught sneaking a glance, and when I see people that look normal I know that they aren't, they're like me, hiding something perhaps. When I think like this I start to feel that same cold depressing feeling stew inside me. I hate it, I wish I didn't have to change my life because of this but what can I do? Nothing, that's right, I'll just accept my fate and move forward to the best of my abilities.
The bell rang for the end of second period. It is lunch time. At a time where I often don't know where I should go to eat. The roof perhaps? The cafeteria? Doesn't really matter as long as I avoid the Council duos attempts at getting me to join the council.

[Hisao]: "Speak of the devil. Or Devils?" - I whispered under my breath to myself.

They caught me literally as I walk out of the classroom. Just my luck. I guess it's not too bad having someone waiting for me even if it is too nag about the Student Council.

[Misha]: "Wanna eat with us?" - she smiled.

Shizune, who's standing next to Misha, looked quite pleased that they had stopped me in time.

[Hisao]: "Depends, are you going to try to force me into the Student Council again?"

[Misha]: "Wahahahaha! Maybe!"

Shizune is deaf. Blunt I know, but what's the point in sugar coating it. Misha always translates conversations for her with sign language. I'm no expert but she looks like a professional with the way she seems to keep up with conversation, must get tiring. Also explains why Misha just received an elbow to the arm when signing just now, she probably wasn't meant to say "maybe".

[Misha]: "Sorry Shizune, heheh." - she holds her arm.

[Shizune]: ...

[Misha]: "We don't want to drag you along if you don't want to, just thought you'd like some company" - Misha translates for Shizune.

[Hisao]: "Ah I see, thanks I guess. Let's go then." - I started walking off without them making it clear that I didn't want to hang around in the halls any longer than needed.
As we walked we made idle chitchat something about a Festival. If my instincts were correct they are probably warming me for the upcoming "Student Council get Hisao to join" conversation.

[Otzee]

-(Afternoon) The caferteria-

Full as always. Surprisingly we managed to find an empty area to sit and eat our lunches. Curry bread and chocolate milk for me. Looks like the other two have soup with what appears to be chucks of crab floating in it. The food is always appealing, yeah right.

[Shizune]: ...

[Misha]: "you're being awfully quiet today" - Misha translated.

[Hisao]: "Pun intended?" - I said while trying not to smile.

Shizune glared at me for a good five seconds after Misha translated my response. Good thing Shizune doesn't take me too seriously.

[Shizune]: ...

[Misha]: "No pun. We are just worried that something is bothering you this morning" - Misha Translated

[Hisao]: "Thanks for your concern but I'm alright, I'm just taking the time to prepare my response for when you ask me to join the Student Council" - I smirked

[Misha]: "Hisao, we are just trying to be nice. No funny stuff!" - she said straight faced before quickly snapping a bright smile.

[Hisao]: "Sorry. I shouldn't rain on your kindness" - I looked down while speaking. Wow this bread looks like wood.

We continued our meals surrounded by the rooms chatter from the other students. I take this time to look around and almost instantly I see someone alone at a table. A girl. Brown hair with her bangs held back by a Headband. Her eyes, brown too, are fixated on the wall opposite to her, she stared with perfect posture. As I stared at her I don't think I saw her blink once. I wonder what she's thinking about. I noticed she had no food in front of her, odd. Who comes to the cafeteria to stare at walls?

[Misha]: " - Be a lot games and fun stuff like last year. Hisao! You aren't listening are you?" - she looked unhappy.

[Hisao]: "hmm, ah yeah my bad. I was.. " - I looked back when I said this, the girl was gone. Weird.

[Hisao]: "Nevermind. Sorry."

Misha brightended up almost instantly with a smile.

[Misha]: "AAALLLLLL good! I was just talking about the upcoming festival." - She said still smiling.

[Shizune]: ...

[Misha]: "You can help us if you like, we promise we wont force you to join the Student Council" - Misha Translated.

Ah, there it is, here it comes.

[Hisao]: "Maybe, I don't know yet. I might help if I've got nothing better to do"

[Shizune]: ...

[Misha]: "We'd appreciate the help if you decide to." - Misha Translated.

Shizune had a look on her face as if she was pleasant with the progress of "planting the seed" so to speak, the seed in which being the situation that'll probably force me into the Council. Ah well, maybe it wont be too bad.

[Otzee]

-(After School) Library-

I grab a book about the History of Space. I've Probably read it before but it seems interesting enough. I take my place at the back of the library near Hanako, sitting on a beanbag, who's currently throwing a glance or two hoping I don't notice.

[Hisao]: "Yo." - I casually spoke as I sat on a chair nearby.

[Hanako]: "h..hello Hisao" - She quietly said.

I didn't want to draw any more out of her than a simple greeting, last time I tried to talk to her she ran off in a hurry clearly upset. Lilly had to go find her and I still feel responsable for that.
This book is boring. I'm more or less staring at the pages until I see the orange glow from outside creep through the windows, and soon enough it happens. I snap my book closed and notice Hanako had already gotten up and left. Guess I should too, the Library will probably close soon.

As I make room for my book before I place it back on the shelf which is two isle down from where I was sitting, I notice someone through the gap. The Girl from the Cafeteria I saw earlier today who appears to be putting a book back, no wait, she's taking them out and placing them in order of size? Interesting behavior.. Oh well, maybe she helps the Librarian, Yuuko. I place my book into the slot and take my leave back to the Male Dorms.

[Otzee]

-(Late Afternoon) Dormitory-

[Hisao]: "Please don't bump into Kenji, Please don't bump into Kenji:" - I repeated as I walk towards my room towards the end of the hall.

[Kenji]: "Please what?- He spoke right behind me.

I stood metres from my room, still, in somewhat of a state of panic before quickly making a rough, thoughtless response to his question.

[Hisao]: "Please bump with me Kenji." - I quickly snapped.

[Kenji]: "Ew, dude I don't swing that way. Oh yeah I need money man. I accidentally made a bet that I lost so you gotta pay up."

I'm glad the subject had changed as quickly as the situation started.

[Hisao]: "Money? What, why do I have to pay because you lost a bet?" - I declared while turning away and reaching for my door.

I open my door, and without a moments hesitation Kenji walks right in.

[Kenji]: "Thanks, so gentlemen-like" - he says with his hands on his hips.

I'm standing in my doorway now while he stands in my room. I guess this is my fault I should've thought this through before doing such a careless act.

[Hisao]: "If I give you money will you kindly exit my room?" - I said as straight faced as I could.

[Kenji]: "Hey man that hurts, but sure. That'll be 1000 yen" - Hes hand is already out and ready for the handout.

I give him the money and he leaves without further hassles.

[Kenji]: "Later dude!"

I close my door and take my dose of stay alive yummy pills of happy and lay down to read one of my many books on my night stand. Times getting on and I'm surprisingly not hungry, maybe it's because of the pills, whatever. The more I try to read the more I seem to lose track and let my mind wander about that girl I saw in the Cafe and Library, I shouldn't be thinking about it but for some reason I feel as though I've seen her somewhere before. Before long I fell asleep.

[Otzee]

ACT 1 - Day 2

-(Morning) Dormitory-

Damn it, I fell asleep in my school clothes. Now they'll be all wrinkled. I take my morning pills and have a quick shower before heading off to School.

-(Morning) Classroom-

Unlike usual I'm not early, if I didn't bump into Kenji on the way here I would have been on time. I can already hear chatter from inside the classroom. I side open the door. Thankfully class hasn't started since Matou is later than I am. Phew. I only took a few steps towards my chair before I noticed something, or someone rather. Right behind Misha.. that Cafe girl, she's in my class? How could I have missed that!? I guess I know the answer to "where have I seen her before" now. I must've had a surprised expression on my face when I walked passed Misha because now she's looking at me with a puzzled expression.

[Otzee]

That's all for now.

[Silentcook]

You're not really writing here. You're trying to script instead.

I suggest you take a look at the tips stickied at the top of this section, the very first post discusses this topic. You shouldn't stop at the first post either.

[Otzee]

You're not really writing here. You're trying to script instead.

I suggest you take a look at the tips stickied at the top of this section, the very first post discusses this topic. You shouldn't stop at the first post either.

A'ight. Well I guess approaching this way wont make people interested.

[Mirage_GSM]

Nope. Script format is a huge turn-off when reading fanfiction.

Also, try to keep it to present tense. About half of your story is written in past tense^^°

[Helbereth]

Nope. Script format is a huge turn-off when reading fanfiction.

Also, try to keep it to present tense. About half of your story is written in past tense^^°

Yeah, either that or make it all past tense... either way, really. Stick to one or the other. Starting out it can get a little confusing making sure to use the right conjugations and such, but once you establish the voice for the narrator in your own head-space, it comes rather intuitively.

Script format is for plays--radio, visual, or stage--to give the actors and crew a basic idea of what's going on in the scene along with the dialogue, and really doesn't work as a proper narrative. The constant breaking of dialogue, and jarring addition of stage and effect descriptions just don't work the same way as exposition, and usually end up leaving the reader confused and or disinterested.

[Otzee]

Thanks for the feedback. Appreciate it.

[Mirage_GSM]

Regarding the tense, as Helbereth said, you are free to choose one or the other.
However, since you write this as a 1st person story, I think present tense is both more common and easier for those not as expereinced with English grammar.