Precipitation- A Molly Pseudo Route . Update 8/12/13

WORDS WORDS WORDS


User avatar
Retrograde01
Posts: 30
Joined: Sat Jun 15, 2013 1:37 am

Re: A Molly route.

Post by Retrograde01 »

AntonSlavik020 wrote:
Steinherz wrote: -Hisao seems to have realized a crush on her pretty quickly. Slow it down friend, it's better to take things like that slow so they're believable.
Well In my experiences, crushes can happen rather quickly.
They can sometimes, but if this is the case, there should be more of a "Damn..." factor, if that makes any sense.

My main problem is Hisao's power of deduction. He's a pretty big idiot as we all know, especially in the first scenes/acts. You usually just want to take things at face value for a while, and then start mixing assumptions in.
User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 6148
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: A Molly route.

Post by Mirage_GSM »

sanduba wrote:Now why did you choose the effing Lelouch vi Britannia to have aphasia? You should choose something more badass, or something that relates to the anime :)
Of course it has something to to with the Anime! All the cameos in the classroom CG do:
Ritsu is playing the drums in the anime. Here she has carpal tunnel.
Haruhi is extremely energetic in the anime. Here Haruhiko has haemophilia.
Lelouch can make people obey his every word in the anime. Here he has aphasia.
...Not sure about Lezard. I never watched that show.

I always thought that was obvious^^°
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.
User avatar
Steinherz
Posts: 2079
Joined: Tue Dec 25, 2012 11:06 am
Location: New England

Re: A Molly route.

Post by Steinherz »

Retrograde01 wrote:My main problem is Hisao's power of deduction. He's a pretty big idiot as we all know, especially in the first scenes/acts. You usually just want to take things at face value for a while, and then start mixing assumptions in.
Hisao isn't as much of an idiot as people make him out to be. Being dense != idiot
Mirage_GSM wrote:...Not sure about Lezard. I never watched that show.
Of course you didn't. Valkyrie Profile is a video game, not an anime. Him having Sickle-cell might be some reference to the fact that in Valkyrie Profile he's a necromancer.
I write take a look, would you kindly?
I also draw, kind of.
KeiichiO wrote:You shall now, and forever be known as, "Steinherz, The Great".
Oddball wrote:It's an obvious mistake. Both are disfigured orphans that read alot and both wear green skirts.
User avatar
TheGoatman
Posts: 87
Joined: Wed Aug 28, 2013 12:31 pm

Re: A Molly route.

Post by TheGoatman »

Well, I love the concept as it's certainly original, but if you don't mind me saying, I think you should slow down(alot) and possibly take a walk the opposite direction. What scene is this, where is this, how do they know each other, how did they get there, why do they have that cliche "I like you at first sight" anime feel to their characters? My advice would be to leave this as a sort of "teaser" and start over from the beginning, if you were simply doing a short or a one shot then starting off in the middle could work out just fine, but if you plan on writing an actual route(a quality one, mind you) then I'm afraid that this is not the best of ways to start one. Also take note of what you're getting into if you do choose to write a full quality route, a full route isn't something you will accomplish in a week, or even a month(unless you are scarily dedicated and do nothing else during that time, but writers block/distraction keeps that as a near-impossibility)

Don't get the wrong idea, I'm not telling you, or even suggesting that you don't write a route, I love the concept and really want to read more of this, (so long as you don't make Molly out to be a tan Emi) but many people drastically underestimate the amount of work certain projects can take, and this has led to many of them being abandoned or outright deleted before they are even half finished.

Also - Take note of the other successful routes, such as the ones by Thanatos and Scissorlips(Akira/Suzu) to get an idea of the pacing, and chapter length, for instance, your act one length was far too short, I can't see any part of any act being that short and still successful unless it was a sidestory, internal monologue, flashback, or something mostly irrelevant to the main story, but the opening scene should be quite larger than this.

If this is your first attempt at writing, I would suggest working on this project slowly while focusing on doing shorts or oneshots to build experience first, perhaps relating to your Molly character to get an idea of how you want her character to be and develop, starting a project as large as a route as your first work is going to be rough, but outright abandoning it would be cruel to us readers eagerly awaiting more.
I'm just a rusty old goat and a poor writer by anyone's standards, so no need to take my advice to heart, and when you do, take a handful of salt with it.
User avatar
Feurox
Posts: 372
Joined: Mon Sep 02, 2013 2:03 pm
Location: England, Oxfordshire

Re: A Molly route.

Post by Feurox »

redacted because my god how cringey was i
Last edited by Feurox on Fri Sep 20, 2019 5:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
My Molly Route
Ekephrasis and Other Stories
I hate when people ruin perfectly good literature with literary terminology.
- CraftyAtom
User avatar
Feurox
Posts: 372
Joined: Mon Sep 02, 2013 2:03 pm
Location: England, Oxfordshire

Re: A Molly route.

Post by Feurox »

Okay Its been edited :D Hisao doesn't know shes Indian sooo Shhhhhh don't tell him! :D Also Hisao thinks shes cute and pretty, but he's not madly in love :D And in the future parts I'm gonna make sure i describe the scenery and timeline and stuff :D
Love You all <3 :D
My Molly Route
Ekephrasis and Other Stories
I hate when people ruin perfectly good literature with literary terminology.
- CraftyAtom
User avatar
sanduba
Posts: 87
Joined: Sun Oct 20, 2013 12:52 am
Location: Titan, moon of Saturn

Re: A Molly route.

Post by sanduba »

Yep it's a bit better now.
Best story:
Hanako > Rin > Lilly > Emi > Shizune

best girl:
Lilly > Shizune > Emi > Hanako > Rin

Eh, that's my opinion.
User avatar
Helbereth
Posts: 1522
Joined: Tue Jun 19, 2012 4:44 pm
Location: Massachusetts, USA

Re: A Molly route.

Post by Helbereth »

Sunlight doesn't brake(to slow down) through anything, it breaks(to separate, shatter or otherwise smash) through.

Also, don't capitalize words that aren't at the beginning of a sentence, or aren't proper nouns. "Amazing" is not a proper noun in this context.

Starting in medias res, or "in the midst of things", would be fine here if it went on to explain the source of his heart event; that shouldn't be happening without cause - exertion, a hit to the chest, or something similar - now that he's out of the hospital; Hisao is on 17 medications to prevent that kind of thing from happening. Also, Molly sits right in front of him in class, so they will have to have met on numerous occasions if this is happening long enough after day one for his lack of exercise to start deteriorating his health.

If it's his first day (or first week) at Yamaku, as has been assumed, something had to have happened to trigger the attack. Emi crashing into him is an obvious no brainer - most anyone would be ailing for a little while after that - and when he pushes himself too hard running, he's exerting himself. Even in the Shizune prelude when he has an episode out at the festival grounds, it's because he's exerting himself throwing balls. The context seems to suggest he's out near the track for some reason, but even that is left vague.

Molly's presence is never explained either; we don't know whether she was just passing by, or they were walking together, or if she teleported from a spaceship and arrived just in time to brake his fall. She just seems to appear out of the ether in the middle of a field somewhere on the school grounds for no other reason than to witness his keeling over, and then offer assistance.

Hisao focusing on his rescuer and her "features" that soon after a potentially life threatening cardiac episode goes a little against human nature. Granted, he might get a little starry-eyed seeing an exotic creature such as Molly come to his aid, but her presence wouldn't completely obliterate the thought process of "what the hell just happened?" and "did I just have another heart attack?" or "am I gonna end up back in the hospital?"
User avatar
Feurox
Posts: 372
Joined: Mon Sep 02, 2013 2:03 pm
Location: England, Oxfordshire

Re: A Molly route.

Post by Feurox »

Helbereth wrote:
Starting in medias res, or "in the midst of things", would be fine here if it went on to explain the source of his heart event; that shouldn't be happening without cause - exertion, a hit to the chest, or something similar - now that he's out of the hospital; Hisao is on 17 medications to prevent that kind of thing from happening. Also, Molly sits right in front of him in class, so they will have to have met on numerous occasions if this is happening long enough after day one for his lack of exercise to start deteriorating his health.

If it's his first day (or first week) at Yamaku, as has been assumed, something had to have happened to trigger the attack. Emi crashing into him is an obvious no brainer - most anyone would be ailing for a little while after that - and when he pushes himself too hard running, he's exerting himself. Even in the Shizune prelude when he has an episode out at the festival grounds, it's because he's exerting himself throwing balls. The context seems to suggest he's out near the track for some reason, but even that is left vague.

Molly's presence is never explained either; we don't know whether she was just passing by, or they were walking together, or if she teleported from a spaceship and arrived just in time to brake his fall. She just seems to appear out of the ether in the middle of a field somewhere on the school grounds for no other reason than to witness his keeling over, and then offer assistance.

Hisao focusing on his rescuer and her "features" that soon after a potentially life threatening cardiac episode goes a little against human nature. Granted, he might get a little starry-eyed seeing an exotic creature such as Molly come to his aid, but her presence wouldn't completely obliterate the thought process of "what the hell just happened?" and "did I just have another heart attack?" or "am I gonna end up back in the hospital?"
As I have said before this first bit was more to see if people would be interested in the route, In the next part of this chapter (because this is extremely short I'm making it into 1 chapter that's 2 parts) I plan to explain what caused his palpitations and why Molly was there ;) Reading through it though, it does feel like there should be deeper explanation of where THERE is and what it is ;) thank you for the constructive criticism though ;) This still needs a lot of work but I'm hoping I can improve as I continue :D <3
My Molly Route
Ekephrasis and Other Stories
I hate when people ruin perfectly good literature with literary terminology.
- CraftyAtom
Silentcook
Carelessly Cooking You
Posts: 2572
Joined: Thu Mar 06, 2008 8:22 am
Location: Imola, Italy

Re: A Molly route.

Post by Silentcook »

You're misusing a common word in your forum signature, of all things.

I don't think I need to add anything more than this.
Shattering your dreams since '94. I also fought COVID in '20 and '21, and all I got was this lousy forum sig.

Image
User avatar
Helbereth
Posts: 1522
Joined: Tue Jun 19, 2012 4:44 pm
Location: Massachusetts, USA

Re: A Molly route.

Post by Helbereth »

Silentcook wrote:You're misusing a common word in your forum signature, of all things.

I don't think I need to add anything more than this.
Actually, either version of your or you're works for that statement. It's either a right you have (your right), or you are right (you're right). Of course, I don't know if it's a sourced quote, which would mean its spelling should be one or the other based on the source.
User avatar
Feurox
Posts: 372
Joined: Mon Sep 02, 2013 2:03 pm
Location: England, Oxfordshire

Oneshot-Molly POV

Post by Feurox »

Hey :D Right, I'm going to Polland, so just a quick oneshot to pass the time, this is about Molly lost her legs, well my version anyway :D Please leave criticisms! :D Will help me get better after all :D Also quick note, The First post is actually just going to be a teaser, as it was too jumpy and left alot of questions that can't be easily answered, The actual first part, which is hopefully a lot better and well thought out should be up as soon as i get back, as i already have it planned out :D. anyway here you go! :D


Oneshot

Maybe today wasn’t the best of days to play soccer, the rain drenching my clothes and freezing my hands would certainly suggest so, but when Aiako appeared at my doorstep dry and chirpy I just couldn’t say no. I should have brought an umbrella, that’s what any ordinary person would do when they saw a sky ready to open up and swallow the world. Ordinary is boring though, Was Einstein ordinary? What about the Wright brothers? Innovation comes from the extraordinary, that’s what imagination is right?

Where was I? Oh yeah, completely soaked in the middle of an empty field, my only companions a overactive girl and a soccer ball held tightly under my arm.

“Oh common cheer up, you look like someone just killed your cat!” She’s been watching me intently the whole time we’ve been here, only now deciding to start a conversation, and what a way to start one, if I had a cat I’d be offended.

I lift my left arm, my right one still holding tightly to the ball, causing the sleeve to droop down, the fabric bursting with heavy water running down the trim of my arm and dripping out the cuff of my sleeves.

Aiako stares at the waterfall display, watching every small trickle of water plummet to its doom, before looking up her eyes wide in wonderment.

“Woah...that was like....that was...just...beautiful,” her eyes sparkling as though uttering the word itself is a sacred act. The bewildered expression only lasts a moment though, her signature grin spreading from ear to ear.

“Still! You love the rain! I’ve seen the way you gaze out the window in class when it pouring down!” The grin grows wider with each word clearly proud of her revelation.

She has a point though, I love the rain. The way it beats against the window in its own rhythm is both soothing and exhilarating. In my Grandmother’s last days she would sit by the window just looking out in to the rain.

Isn’t everything rain at some point? Or is that clouds?

“You’ve got me there,” I mutter barely audible over the torrential downpour, rolling the ball past her feet and down the small hill of the field.

“Urgh come on!” Her voice quieter and quieter as she’s swallowed up by the falling rain.

As her figure disappears down the gentle incline, I can make out the battered metal fencing at the edge of the countryside, torn and weathered, hiding the single piece of industrialism of the ground. Two rusted goal posts stand alone in the field below, surrounded by dense woodland and unkempt grass, now sodden from the violent shower. Mist tugs at the edges of my vision, isolating the field from the rest of the world.

Making huge motions with her arms, Aiako beckons me to join her, but from here I can’t hear her no doubt smart-ass comments! Do I want to give that up?

Seeing her drop the ball and mockingly shake her fist at me is all the persuasion I need. Slipping down the hill as gracefully as an elephant and tripping twice gives rise to the most booming laugh of all time, potentially even making the rain wince at the sheer volume of it.

Giving me no time to prepare, she pelts the ball straight past me and towards the goal.

“Not...this...time, “My shouting mostly drowned out by the rain and my heavy breathing.

My prey rolls towards the goal, unaware of its impending fate.

I am the great hunter Molly of the Kapur family, you will not live!

“gotcha!” I triumphantly roar, slamming my foot down into the grass ahead of the ball, the studs of my boots digging into the water-logged ground.

The ball hits my foot with a soft thud, stopping abruptly, only to be sent to its grave at the opposite goal post.

Aiako can do nothing but watch in terror as the ball whizzes past her into the soft net of the goal.

Her face goes from shock to determination in an instant.

I can’t wait to wipe that smirk of your face.

Her futile attempts are met with crushing defeats and harsh tackles, the thrill of the sport invigorating my hunter blood. The beating downpour begins to intensify until the trees in the distance are completely engulfed and almost invisible. With a final kick I send the ball flying through the air over the goal and towards the rusted metal fencing.

“I can barely see my hands Molls, let’s call it a day yeah?”

“Wimp,” She pulls a look of mock offence, before crossing her arms over chest and wiggling her finger at me.

“Just for that young lady, you’re getting the ball!”

I don’t even bother groaning in protest, knowing the futility of defiance. I humbly accept my duty and jog over to the fence, every footstep squelching in the swampy ground. The cut in the barrier marked by flattened grass, traces a path for me to follow. I scramble through the small grove under the chain-link fence, mud and water gripping at my soccer kit, freezing me to the bones.

The pouring rain thunders around me, making only a minuscule amount of the neglected track view-able. Two metal lines disappear into infinity behind the driving storm, Crossed by wooden planks, rotted at the ends. The rail the only thing between me and the ball, I look both ways, at nothingness, and step onto the track.

My studs firmly clip on each side of the metal bar, before taking another successful step forward.

“fu-“ The word barely escapes my mouth before I slam into the ground with a shockingly loud thump.

The nails of the wooden plank tear into my socks and my legs , drawing a small river of red. My ankle throbs in pain, twisted at an ungodly angle.

My cries of agony are battered by the storm, and the distant sound of an engine wriggles into my ear.

I tilt my head along the track, and all my fears are confirmed.

Light pierces through the crushing rain, Moving ever closer towards me.

Tears wrap my eyes, my screams completely devoured by the now roaring sound of the engine. Using a last burst of strength, I pull my body as much of the track as I can before the pain envelops me and I collapse to the icy grass, my legs still frozen to the track.

I fall into deaths cold embrace and spiral into the darkness, blissfully dreaming as my legs are flattened like pancakes.
Last edited by Feurox on Sat Oct 26, 2013 4:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
My Molly Route
Ekephrasis and Other Stories
I hate when people ruin perfectly good literature with literary terminology.
- CraftyAtom
User avatar
Retrograde01
Posts: 30
Joined: Sat Jun 15, 2013 1:37 am

Re: A Molly route. Update 26/10/13

Post by Retrograde01 »

I fall into deaths cold embrace and spiral into the darkness, blissfully dreaming as my legs are flattened like pancakes.
You describe things in jarring ways quite a bit, but this line takes the cake. There are too many contrasting adjectives through the whole sequence. This line is another example.
...before the pain envelops me and I collapse to the welcoming grass, my legs still resting on the track.
Ever had a bad day, and everything else just sucks as well? You need to do that in your writing. Theme the scene. If the character is about to be run over by a car, they aren't going to use "welcoming" to describe the grass and if it were me, the grass wouldn't come to mind at all. I'd be too busy thinking about the four ton vehicle coming my way.
User avatar
Feurox
Posts: 372
Joined: Mon Sep 02, 2013 2:03 pm
Location: England, Oxfordshire

Re: A Molly route. Update 26/10/13

Post by Feurox »

Retrograde01 wrote:
I fall into deaths cold embrace and spiral into the darkness, blissfully dreaming as my legs are flattened like pancakes.
You describe things in jarring ways quite a bit, but this line takes the cake. There are too many contrasting adjectives through the whole sequence. This line is another example.
...before the pain envelops me and I collapse to the welcoming grass, my legs still resting on the track.
Ever had a bad day, and everything else just sucks as well? You need to do that in your writing. Theme the scene. If the character is about to be run over by a car, they aren't going to use "welcoming" to describe the grass and if it were me, the grass wouldn't come to mind at all. I'd be too busy thinking about the four ton vehicle coming my way.

Apparently I have a lot of those bad days XD My God, I don't know how I didn't notice some of this when I re-read it XD Thanks, Im gonna quickly correct some of these so I don't feel like an absolute idiot.... :D However I kinda like the last line , I did that one one on purpose. :D
My Molly Route
Ekephrasis and Other Stories
I hate when people ruin perfectly good literature with literary terminology.
- CraftyAtom
User avatar
TheGoatman
Posts: 87
Joined: Wed Aug 28, 2013 12:31 pm

Re: A Molly route. Update 26/10/13

Post by TheGoatman »

Something like "As the great hundred tun mountain of steel barreled towards me in an unstoppable rush of destruction, I knew escape was not possible. A strange calm fell over me as I gently laid down on the road, feeling the cool asphalt caressing my cheek as if saying a final goodbye. I looked up towards the clouds and smiled as I felt the beginnings of rain, as the vibration of the steamtroller grew ever closer, my final thought as the massive monstrosity came into view, was "These clouds are beautiful today, if only I had my camera"?

Terrible writing, I know, but I think he was trying to convey something like that, the "Calm before Death" or w.e you call it.
I'm just a rusty old goat and a poor writer by anyone's standards, so no need to take my advice to heart, and when you do, take a handful of salt with it.
Post Reply