So, because i often talked about this past event but never wrote it, i'm going to post it here even if it's not much of a deal nowadays. I see it as a necessary step to get into other FMLs. Since this was originally written for another forum and the text is just too big to be edited, i apologize for both lenght and slight confusion caused by references to EGF.
1: I'm 16, alone and deppressed with a bunch of IRL friends i was somewhat close to when i was a child, but not anymore. I find and join Hikiculture. I'm autistic/pretentious sperglord, but don't know it yet. Regardless, i am somewhat above-average smart and insightful, and my posts attract the interest of a bunch of people (the person whom i'll eventually consider my dear friend among them) within some months. I'm among the most active (And i though, at the time, liked members of the forum. I might be remembering wrong, but some people occasionally told me they were glad i joined, they found me an interesting, intelligent contributor. I got closer to a few members there, and felt like i belong somewhere in the first time in my life. But something felt off, even though i was happy, there was some restlesness within me.
2: I join EGF. I'm still not sure whether or not i regret that
3: During one of our PM exchanges, my dear friend asks me if i have skype. I was a bit reluctant because i know how impulsive and violent i can get on direct conversation. Still, it seemed that she wanted to talk to me, so i made a skype account. This (around january 2012) would be the set-up for all the bad things that would happen latter. Me and my dear friend get... Closer, in a way. At least that's the impression i got from some of the things she told me (although i think she would denounce them later), and (among other things) enjoying an intimacy and friendship i never had before, my dear friend tells me something no one has ever told me in my life: She told me she liked me. When i was depressed or hating myself, she tried to tell me something to cheer me up, or that she didn't feel i was crazy or fucked up at all and that i was a very kind hearted, insightful, intelligent, and interesting person. This was really moving for me at the time, and made me very happy. For the first time, i was not only momentarily enjoying things, but truly enjoying life.
4: I start getting in some "fights" with the admin and my dear friend (she was a mod there), well they were actually tense arguments. I tended to disagree with staff decisions and attitude. I get into a pretty heavy argument with the admin because of some drama with a troll, and left the forum for a week to get the heat off me. At this point, and possibly as a result of being in a better environment like EGF, i'm starting to get disenchanted from the community and their zeitgeist, as well as feeling rather unhappy in my relationship with my dear friend and a few other of my friends. This is a few days before March 2012. One night i let it all out for some reason. All the feelings pf anger and sadness and bitterness and powerlessness. I rage really, really hard at everyone (specially the admin) in a barrage of insults and fury. A few minutes later i find myself banned from the forums with the admin saying that I "Pretty much asked for it". Ban was permanent with no appeal or chance given. Later i would know he thinks i'm evil. As i perceived it at the time, my dear friend took his side in the argument and pretty much abandoned me emotionally. I lose my shit, badly.
5: For some reason i feel a growing distance with the people there. People i considered close friends wouldn't talk to me or treat me coldly/rudely. I try to get into other forums but because i was stupid and socially retarded the experiences are painful failures. To tell you the truth, if it wasn't for a certain person who helped me those days i wouldn't be in EGF either. So basically i discovered: Pretty much everything i believed about myself was a lie and i wasn't as good as i thought. I had to get up above my crumbled ego and life all by myself (i didn't feel anyone a viable option for reliance) all the while i was getting more and more angry at my dear friend for things that weren't her fault (you see, i felt that she never honestly told the admin how she felt about my banning because of fear or something, and it was really hurtful to think that she chose him over me so easily. Of course the truth was nothing like that but i wasn't very sane back then), i had no idea what to do and every action i took seemed to only cause more pain. The worse aspects of my Borderline began to show throught. After months of verbal abuse and seeing me only get worse (towards her, towards life and myself) my dear friend decides to block me. In a huge argument she says (among other things) that i need to live for myself/live my own life, and that she can't live it for me. Unfortunately due to Borderline and inmaturity, i don't take it very well. In the ensuin weeks i fall into deep deppression and feel like i lost all purpose to life (lol). I'm just... trudging along i guess. Don't remember much of that time. A month or so later, i find my dear friend decided to unblock me, saying she saw no harm in seeing if we could get along. No doubt a kind and appreciated sentiment, but a hopelessly naive and fucked venture. Even if they seek help (i didn't, unfortunately, i don't think i even believed i had a problem back then) people with mental illnesses to the grade they get into such deep shit simply don't develop to the point of being ok to talk with once again on just a month. So the unsurprising happens, i end up yelling at her again, and she replies that "Your behavior hasn't changed. Do what you please from now on" and blocks me forever.
6: I do... Don't even really know what. Unimportant. I felt the matter concluded. As far as my 18 year old self was concerned, my dear friend was a "bitch" (Yeah i called her that, not very proud of it), the admin was a villain, and the people in there were either stupid cultists or apathethic cowards. I pretty much gave up any possibility of being un-banned there, and don't think i would have returned even if i could have. As far as i was concerned, my time in Hikiculture was over. Still, there were some people from there i kept in contact with, one in particular whom i considered my closest friend for a long time. My days back then consisted of me lazing around, just living and talking with her whenever she was on and trying to offer support or advice or a friendly ear/shoulder to anyone i talked with. Many months passed that way. Days were melancholic and unsatisfying, but happy. Even if i felt tricked or angry at how badly things with my dear friend and the banning turned out, things were ok. However, i still wanted to talk with my dear friend back then because... Well, mostly because i was lame, but also a bunch of other reasons i won't get into. This was around August 2012.
7: So when i saw a possibility of maybe talking with my dear friend again, i decided to take it. At that time, there was stewing this growing resentment and inner conflict regarding my old HC friends *really* long time. You see, by this point my positive view on the world was pretty much shattered, and i couldn't avoid looking with cynicism and disgust at how these people (specially that aforementioned closest friend) said they were my friends and disagreed with the admin's decision, yet did nothing to change it. At that point it wasn't just for the banning, i was personally disgusted at such an attitude, all that hypocrisy and small-mindedness and apathy. So i blew up (again) at the person i called my closest friend, and admittedly one reason was pretty disgusting: Trying to manipulate her, forcing her to do what i thought would be better for her. She seemed to be a bit unhappy with some staff decisions, but she told me she didn't dare confront him about it because he was the only person she could confide in. So i wanted to get her to stand up on for herself thinking i was oh-so-clever. And i was really angry at what i perceived as "She chose him over me".
8: I get ashamed at yelling at her (and a bunch of other people in thea group chat) and make some illustrations/gifts (zelda fan-arts.) for her after she logged off, to give them to her next time i see her. I never got to give her those fan-arts. I didn't see her around skype for a week, and embarassingly lose my shit a while after. I didn't get how fucked up i was acting until an EGF member told me "Chill the hell out.". She never really told me directly why she blocked me or if she was planning to do it. When i asked, she told someone else that a family member in some problems and she needed to take care of this person. This was ok, but something felt off with what she said. I guess part of why i freaked out so badly was because i felt the traumatic events of March repeating themselves. Borderline was involved i guess. I don't like to admit this, but i ended up depending emotionally on that person, and the idea of losing her was DO NOT WANT to the extreme. Nowadays i can't say i care. I wonder if i would have acted differently had i realized the negative effect my actions were having. At the time i honestly i thought i was doing things in her best interest, i thought something very bad was happening with/to her. This sounds very crazy.
9: I don't want to get into much detail in this part, but let's just say that (bumping up with statements and posts of HC about me) i end up learning many things about myself. I would complain about demonization and shit-talking, but to be honest it didn't really surprise me at that point. They ran over that line long, long ago. Still, most of what the two of them said (specially my dear friend, which is curious considering i haven't talked with her in months) did make sense and did fit. Suddenly everything started clicking. I started understanding and seeing all those events of the past in an entirely new light. I thought i was past that, that i learned my lesson from that and that it was just a fucked up incident in which i acted the best i could. But then, when i read that thread, i started learning the truth. Then, i had my breakdown.
10: I must have seemed pretty quiet those days, way more than usual, just trying to keep my family from noticing i was having a nervous breakdown (well at least i call it that, i don't think you can really hide a breakdown) during those days or weeks. I felt like being torn by pain, not sure why i didn't scream or cry. I think i did some nights. Hell is only way i could describe those days. I can remember the pain, or at least enought to have an idea of how it was back then. Looking back, i'm not sure how i lived throught that, a bit amazed even. But i did. Alone, sad, scared, feeling like i would never be able to smile again and unable to trust myself or my senses, scared that the happiness and reality i felt was just another convenient lie i told myself. Feared i was creating pain and ugliness where i thought i was creating beauty and happiness.
11: It's around this time or part 10 that i post
this. Was glad i could end up realizing so many important things about myself, but was dismayed it had to come at such high a cost (my previous life and previous friends, including the person who understood me the most in my life). Feelings were mostly ambivalent, but overall on positive/hopeful note. I got some therapy or means to deal with my Borderline and anger, and generally worked on taking control of my life. December was a hard and lonely month, but i was glad to finally start working on once again being that kind-hearted and insightful kid my dear friend liked talking with. Things were hard and a bit saddening, but overall it was a smooth recovery. However...
12: On November i ended up talking with a friend from HC that was also in contact with my dear friend. Don't remember how, but the matter of him talking with her to give me a third chance comes up. Because even thought i worked a lot on myself i'm still in many ways a child, i earnestly went for that. Looking back and seeing some of my writings and actions on the matter, i can tell i still wasn't as ready or above my problems as i thought. He warned me about the unlikeleness of her giving me a third chance or things going the way i hoped ("Because, among other things, she doesn't trust that you have changed. And trust can't be restored") but i still yearned for it. I guess i just wanted to believe that after all this suffering, all this effort and sacrifice i would have at least *something* that goes right, like a blessing. Not so much as a result of a logical, direct effort, but for the sake of *something* good happening after all the suffering and strife.
That didn't happen.
He told me the day before new year (The morning of December 30/31). It's funny in a way, i was just logging on to Cracked and getting the hang of things in the workshops, studying illustration... Making plans and preparations for the future. He simply told me "About x..." and when i asked "She said no?", I was hoping, almost begging inside that i would be proven wrong, that i was just being pessimistic. But... he said "I'm sorry". I lose my shit/express full dismay at this, and ask why. He says "She doesn't give third chances" or "She said she doesn't give third chances". She never told me anything more than that or wrote anything to me directly. Not sure if she didn't care or just didn't know much it affected me that i wasn't really told why (or at least felt that way). I always considered her a very kind and patient person, so to see her brushing someone aside so coldly was... disappointing to be honest. In an emotional tone, i say that i would be ok with it if i could feel i actually had a chance in the first un-block, but just one month... Sigh. I said i didn't understand, and he just replied "Maybe you'll never understand it" and then "I'm sorry, but i would like you to understand that there's nothing i can do about it" he says he has to leave and logs off. The dude's callousness (both in the conversation itself as well as deciding to do this right before new year) never quite stopped bothering me.
I guess after all that (March 2012), she just couldn't care anymore never wanted anything to do with me. Maybe she believes i'm never really going to change or just doesn't want to bother. I don't and will never know. Considering how closed she is, no one will ever know. I hope someone does know her though, i wouldn't want for her to be unhappy, if only more on general principle than any personal reason. I guess what bothered me the most of it all, was how i felt treated as unimportant trash, I wasn't even told directly. I guess the main reason of why *all* of this bothered me so much is because it seriously damaged my belief of goodness of people and the hope for things getting better. Above all it seriously damaged my own belief in my personal capacity for goodness.
Looking back i have honestly no idea how i attended the New Year's celebration at my house without breaking down in tears or my family or others noticing or feeling compelled to do something. I guess i knew i had to do it. We had guests coming and you just can't skip New Year's celebration. So i sat and ate among all these people who were celebrating the upcoming year and all the great stuff that it would bring for them or they would achieve in it, while i was sitting there with any hope for happiness or believing in the kindness of people utterly shattered. With the beggining of 2013 and all the related projects tainted by this terrible start. In a way it felt like lost all direction with that, for some reason. It felt like a knife in my heart.
After the celebration, i didn't say or think anything. I just entered my room, closed the door, the usual routine. It felt like a zombie. I just plopped down on my bed and laid there to fucking die. I feel like i died there, cold (my room is usually chilly), alone and sad. I died of sadness.
13: Somehow (i have no idea how) i live throught that too. I have no idea *why* i didn't kill myself, i just... didn't. Months later i'm just on EGF, posting stuff and living on. Trying to forget a bit i guess, or at least trying to resist all the pain until the wound isn't as fresh. Eventually, i find myself enjoying some filmfag discussions more and more, and for some reason start getting into watching other works of Anno or other anime/film classics because... I don't know, a bunch of reasons probably. I guess it was a combination of needing to have something to do and wanting to give some meaning/value to my life, as well as simply being interested in films and anime. It's around these days that, thanks to EGF, i get introduced to Hayao Miyazaki's works, and i'm utterly amazed. I don't know if it was his works, or some of his statements or interviews, or both. But when i saw a bit of Miyazaki's work, i feel like some sort of seed planted itself. Or more accurately, i found that a certain passion rekindled within that i haven't felt for a long time, like when i was 16 and reading the works of Barret and trying to get them translated. One day, i just feel... Entirely different, like a completely new person. I see everything in a completely different manner. I think that same day i finally analyzed all the things that happened and get lessons out of it, as well as adopt a stance about, one i'm finally confident in. I think that same day i realized what kind of artist i wanted to be, and finally discovered something i truly love in life. I mean, even though nothing got a tiny bit better (and the memories of all that still haunt me a bit), somehow i can be ok with it and not suffer as much. So i guess i can take all that much better than before even if i'm not exactly satisfied with how things turned out or how they are.
Again, sorry for the lenght. Kinda wish i could hide/spoil this.
