.

[Eybol]

There was some mediocre prose here, it's gone now.

[Mirage_GSM]

Good story - it's a bit like Rin herself^^°

Why do you use double-spacing withing a single piece of dialogue? Usually you'd use it only when he speaker changes. This makes it a bit hard to read.

[Eybol]

I'm sorry, did it confuse you?

Using a notepad-style text editor makes it hard to figure out what's text reflow and where the newlines run. And I might be slavishly imitating VN-conventions, where it's always obvious who's talking no matter how many disjointed pieces of dialogue are thrown at you.

[Helbereth]

I'm sorry, did it confuse you?

Using a notepad-style text editor makes it hard to figure out what's text reflow and where the newlines run. And I might be slavishly imitating VN-conventions, where it's always obvious who's talking no matter how many disjointed pieces of dialogue are thrown at you.

That's mostly because of color-coded character dialogue and visual aids. If you're using wordpad or notepad to write, that could explain the disconnect between lines of dialogue in some places. However, part of writing is editing, so you ought to check for that stuff before publishing.

As a side note: using VN conventions for this, or any other form of writing, is generally frowned upon. In terms of how the audience is informed about who is speaking and their state of mind, VNs share most of their cues with movies or television; we know who's talking and how because we can see them do so. When you don't have those visual or audio cues, as with exposition like this, it falls on you to inform the audience in literary terms.

Clearly you're capable of this, as your first few paragraphs do quite well at describing the situation and mood, but when people start talking all we can do is make inferences based on what they say, which, especially in the case of someone like Rin, may not align exactly with what they mean.

I'd encourage you to work on combining your ability to describe the situation with the dialogue. Other than that, I liked this short.

[Eybol]

I'll leave a longer margin between writing and posting next time. Decently written story, but adds nothing of value.

[Mirage_GSM]

Okay, you got rid of the redundant double spacing. Now it's just some unneccessary line-breaks, but it doesn't affect readability much.