"BEEP...BEEP...BEEP..."
Ugh...what...time is it?
I reach out and press the alarm button on my clock, then the time button. Its robotic-sounding voice tells me it's eleven-thirty.
Why did I set it for that time? And...where am I?
As my mind slowly comes around, I remember why I wanted to make sure to be up at this time. Yamaku is eight hours ahead of Inverness, where I now remember that I am, and I promised Hanako and Hisao that I would call them when I was settled here. Although I wonder how settled I truly am, I'd rather not delay any further.
My sister has already begun her new job at our family's company's headquarters. She said she'd been told she needed to "hit the ground running," and so I suppose she has. Sadly, this means I've barely seen her since our arrival.
I, on the other hand, won't be starting classes until next week. Since Scotland works on a different school year than Japan, I'll be starting my senior year over, which I imagine will give me ample time to adjust.
As I clear the cobwebs from my head, I hear a faint knocking at my door. "Yes?"
I hear my mother's voice through the door, saying "Are you awake, then, Lilly dear?"
I smile faintly. "After a fashion, Mother."
"Good. I just wanted to know if you'd want something to eat soon."
"Yes, please. I'll be down in a little while. I wanted to call my friends back in Japan first before it got too late."
"Ah, of course. Well, I'll leave you to it, then."
I hear Mother's soft footsteps receding down the hallway. My family is another thing to which I'm afraid I still need time to adjust. I'd hoped that the time I spent here recently would have moved that process further along, but they're still treating me with a good deal more formality than I'd like.
I suppose it's to be expected, though, since it's been less than two days since my return, no matter how much longer I might feel it has been. I only vaguely remember being greeted by my family yesterday. There was a gathering of my mother's relatives to celebrate my arrival, and so I spent a lot of time with people I barely know.
In a way, I could even count my own parents among those.
What this means is that I still feel closer to the family I left behind at Yamaku than to anyone here other than Akira, so talking to them should ease my mind. It's not something about which I can really complain, since I did come here to reconnect with
this family. What I
can complain about, perhaps, is that in the process, bridges were burned that I tried very hard to keep intact. It's going to take time, but I will do my best to rebuild them.
I decide to attempt the one with the most damage first. Hisao and I haven't spoken more than a few words since that day at the Shanghai. Neither of us really had the strength for it, I think. I can only hope we've found some in these few days. I dial Hisao's number, and it rings several times before his unmistakable voice answers.
"Hi, Lilly."
"Good evening, Hisao. I was wondering if you might have forgotten this number, but I'm glad you haven't."
"Well, you
are the only person who would call me from Scotland." His voice is a mixture of sadness and...bitterness, perhaps? I didn't really expect him to be happy I called, I suppose. Hope, perhaps, but not expect. "How are you?"
"I'm well, thank you, although I'm still recovering from the flight, I think. Are you doing all right?"
"More or less, I guess," he says tiredly. "The past few days have been...interesting." From the way Hisao says it, he doesn't mean that in an entirely good way. "I presume you at least knew that Hanako had decided to stay here for a while. I wish I had known before yesterday, but I guess that's the price I pay for avoiding you both last week. I'm...sorry about that."
Hisao's voice softens a bit, enough for me to believe he has some genuine regret. "No need to apologize, Hisao. Hanako told me you'd asked for time to think. I likely would have done the same. My own thoughts on how we left things are still...unsettled."
Hisao barks out an angry laugh. "Yeah, let's...not have that discussion just now. I'm tired, and I might say something I'll regret."
I begin to wonder if I should have called Hisao at all. His feelings are still raw, and I'm not sure I'm capable of not making them worse. "Perhaps I should call at another time. I'm sorry to have bothered you, Hisao."
"No, wait...I...did want to talk to you about something. About Hanako."
I freeze for a moment, not liking the sound of that. However, I hold my tongue, other than to ask "Has...something happened?"
Rather than answer the question, he hesitatingly asks, "Have you...spoken to Hanako since you left?"
"I spoke to her on Sunday evening, yes."
"Then you probably know she asked me to go into town with her yesterday."
"Yes, she mentioned she would be asking you."
"Well..." Hisao says with a heavy sigh, "while we were at the convenience store, she had some kind of...well, some kind of attack, I guess is what I'd call it. She got very anxious all of a sudden, and had to go outside to...gather herself, I think."
"Ah. I thought something like that might happen once I'd left. Hanako used to have trouble with this sort of thing on occasion when we first met last year. It's a small miracle that she hadn't had an incident since your arrival at Yamaku. That was why...well, why I said I thought your presence was helping her so much."
"A lot of good it did yesterday, then," he says, allowing the bitterness to creep back into his voice.
"Perhaps, perhaps not. What happened then?"
"After I'd checked our groceries out, I went outside and saw her sitting on the ground. I wasn't sure what to do, so I waited until she saw me, and I went over to her. I offered to take her over to The Shanghai to rest, and that seemed to help. She seemed better, but still more...reserved, more like she was when we first met. Does that make sense?"
"It does indeed, Hisao," I say, as gently as I can. "I also think you underestimate yourself. To be honest, I don't think you could have handled the situation any better than you did."
"I appreciate you trying to make me feel better, Lilly. I'm still not sure I believe it, though."
"Hmmm...well, think about it this way. She was able to remove herself from the situation and calm down. Would she have been able to do that if you hadn't been there?"
"I...don't..."
"Not only that, but you were there for her once she did calm down, and she knew you would be. That was probably a great comfort to her, and allowed her to focus on herself. Think about how much worse it might have been if you
hadn't been there. With all the stress she's been under these past weeks, we should be thankful that it wasn't more serious."
"I...honestly hadn't thought about it like that. Heh...I guess it's possible to help without even realizing it. Still, it would be good if I had some insight into how to deal with future issues like this."
I laugh a bit. "It would, wouldn't it? I'm afraid Hanako isn't very forthcoming about her condition, and what I know I have learned mostly through trial and error."
"Well, that's something I can relate to, at least. A lot of science is trial and error, after all. I'm just worried about something more serious, like what happened over her birthday."
"I've never experienced anything quite that serious since I've known Hanako outside of that time. However, there have been times when I had to...help her to do what she did for herself this time: to get her out of the situation. It's very important to be as calm as possible yourself as well, and not to draw attention to what's happening."
"Yeah, that last part...that's what was going through my head yesterday, even if I was getting twisted up inside. It just seemed like the right thing to do. I guess what I really want to know is, what might have led up to this incident?"
"I think I would have to have been there to answer that, Hisao. It might even be as simple as a change in routine, because you were shopping with her instead of me." I do hope that's not the case. I'll make certain to ask Hanako about it when I talk to her later.
"It's funny, because I was just thinking that I wished you'd told me more about this sort of thing before you left, but...I suppose you never had the chance." Hisao sighs. "That's not the end of it though. I...think I might have made things worse afterwards."
"How so?"
"Well, the morning after you left, I started running again to try to get in better shape. I thought, after all the incidents I'd had lately, I should try and take care of myself better."
I smile inwardly, saying "That's probably a good idea."
I really wish you'd thought that way sooner, though. It would have saved us a lot of trouble, I think.
"I know, but yesterday was only my second day, so I felt really tired and sore on the walk down. Because of that, getting to The Shanghai to rest was probably more for me than it was for Hanako. I guess you could say I stumbled into doing the right thing. Then, trying to get back up the hill...Lilly, I thought I would have another attack, like in Hokkaido."
"You...didn't, did you?" I try to hide my concern, but fail. Even if I'm not sure exactly how I feel about Hisao, I do still care for him deeply.
"Fortunately, no, not even a flutter. Kinda screwed me up today, though. I couldn't even finish my run this morning. I just hope Hanako's all right."
"I had intended to call her after I called you. I...could call you back if I can't reach her."
"Thanks, Lilly, I'd appreciate that. Why don't I let you do that now, then? I should probably try to get some sleep anyway."
"Very well. Good night, Hisao."
"Good night, Lilly."
As I hang up and prepare to call Hanako, I find myself a bit uneasy. It doesn't sound like Hanako's incident was a serious one, but Hisao's own problems may have made her more reticent about trusting him.
As for Hisao himself, while he was tense at times during our conversation, there were also times where I felt some of our familiarity returning. It was enough to give me hope that perhaps that bridge might be repaired after all. It was also a feeling I'd missed, that I even thought might have been lost altogether...
I decide it's best not to ponder this thought further right now. I quickly dial Hanako's number and wait for her to pick up.
"H-hello?"
"Hello, Hanako."
"Lilly! I...didn't recognize this n-number. How was your flight?"
"One of the better ones I've taken. I believe I actually slept, for once."
"That's...good, right?"
I smile a bit. "Well, Akira seems to think so. She says it helps account for the jet lag, but I'm not sure. I must admit, I still feel quite tired, so perhaps it only works for her."
"Well, you...made it there s-safely, at least. How is Akira?"
"Hard at work already. Father didn't waste any time getting her settled into her new position."
"I doubt she's...h-happy about that," Hanako says, and I laugh.
"No, she isn't, but she'll manage, as she always does. So, tell me, how did things go yesterday?"
There's a brief silence from Hanako's end of the phone. "Not...as well as they could have."
"I spoke with Hisao earlier. He told me what happened. He was very concerned about you."
"I know. He...doesn't need to be. Is he...feeling better?"
That question takes me a bit by surprise. "He sounded fine on the phone, if a little tired. Actually, he was also concerned about his own reaction to what happened. I tried to..."
"No! He shouldn't think that! I w-was the one who...who ruined things..."
I'm surprised at the vehemence of Hanako's reply, and I can hear that she's on the verge of tears. "I...don't think he thinks that at all, Hanako. Have you...talked with Hisao today?"
"No, I...didn't. He w-was with Emi. But I'm...making lunch for us tomorrow."
"Emi...Ibarazaki? Ah, right, he mentioned he'd been running in the mornings."
"Yes, since...Sunday. But th-they were together...all day yesterday."
Hanako's voice sounds odd as she says this. She sounds almost...resentful, perhaps? Whatever it is, she doesn't like the idea that Hisao is spending time with Emi.
If that's the case...how would I feel about it?
"Do you think...they were on a date?"
Hanako's voice gets a bit quieter. "I'm...not sure."
"But...it...
matters to you if they were, doesn't it?"
Another brief silence. "D-does it matter...to you?"
"Even if it did, there's nothing I can do about it, nor would I try. Hisao and I have our own lives to lead now, after all."
"So...if H-Hisao was...seeing someone...it w-wouldn't...bother you?"
Hanako, I love you dearly, but I do wish you would be a bit less cautious sometimes. That's why I'm not going to let you off the hook so easily.
"It might depend on whom it was he was seeing. If it was someone I knew would make him happy, I don't think it would bother me in the least."
I know it's teasing, but if she does have feelings for Hisao, as I am now almost certain she does, I want her to be able to tell me. If nothing else, perhaps it would help her tell Hisao a bit more easily.
When Hanako responds, her voice is even softer than it was before. "D-do you think...I could?"
I smile, and feel...oddly content. Whether it's because a piece of what we all shared might yet be carried forward, or because it allows me to repay what I now feel is a debt to Hanako, I know what I need to do now.
In some ways, I think this is what I should have done all along. When I thought I was going to lose Hisao, I rushed into my confession without thinking it through. I had an idea that Hanako was developing feelings for him, and didn't want to stand in her way at first.
I should have listened to my instincts.
My sister might call it being a martyr, and she's not altogether wrong, I suppose. Still, if there was ever a time when putting others above myself was appropriate, it's when failing to do so was what led to this point in the first place.
"Hanako, I have no doubts in my mind that you could, if that is what you want. Please, don't worry about my feelings any further. My relationship with Hisao is over."
Hanako doesn't say anything for a bit. "Are you s-sure?" she asks tentatively.
I smile despite the tears that are fighting to burst forth from my eyes. "Hanako...if you find that you have feelings for Hisao, by all means do something about them. I can think of no two people who deserve to be happy more than you." I do my best to control my voice as I say this. It must be enough.
"Thanks...Lilly, but I-I can think of...one other person."
"That's very nice of you to say, Hanako." I need to hang up before I lose what control I have left. "I should go now. I wish you and Hisao all the best. I'll call again soon."
"Good night...Lilly. And...thank you."
"Good night, Hanako."
As I hang up, I think back once more to the weekend the three of us spent in Hokkaido. If I'm right, and Hanako has had feelings for Hisao all along, then I wonder what pain could have been spared for everyone if I had simply never confessed to Hisao at all. Most of all, I would have spared myself the pain I feel right now, knowing that I've closed that door permanently.
I've never sought to spare myself pain before...but this...is different.
Perhaps...I didn't need as much time as I thought.
I sit on the edge of the bed, composing myself as always before facing my family.
Hanako...please...make Hisao happy, because it's no longer my place. No matter how much I may wish it still was.
I move my hand along the still-unfamiliar surface of my nightstand until it finds another item that has been there since my arrival. I pick up the small wooden box and open it, allowing myself one last smile at the soft, tinny music before closing it again. I move across the room to the large bureau, placing the music box in the bottom drawer before leaving the room.
I raise my voice enough to be heard downstairs, calling "I'm on my way down, Mother."
~~~~
Previous |
Next
.
and the quality may have suffered. I will re-read it after finishing 16 and decide then.
.
