Hanako's Story (COMPLETED 18/08/2014)

[Shail]

*checks thread in terror, sees it's unfinished *sigh of relief* sees the last update date *cries*"

[Minion of Chaos]

*checks thread in terror, sees it's unfinished *sigh of relief* sees the last update date *cries*"

If you're talking about the last time it was updated and not the content, the date in the title is listen in the European fashion (date/month/year)- so it's only been 10 days. But yeah, anxiety all around for the first ending (here's hoping for the good one!)...

[Shail]

Endings are bad, I don't like them. I prefer sequels :\

[Trivun]

This is the shortest chapter of the whole thing so far now. The next chapter is forthcoming, so expect it within the next couple of days.

Act 3 – Chapter Ten, First Branch: Dissonant Serenity

“So, what do you want to do?”

Hisao's question catches me off guard. I answer as honestly as I can - “I... don't know.” I pause, waiting his response, hoping against hope that maybe he'll...

“I don't know about you, but I think I'm going to try and take a nap. My head is killing me.”

Oh.

I don't know what he thinks I'm feeling, but I can't speak. I honestly thought he might... No. I was stupid. I can't have ever really hoped that he would see me the way I see him...

I turn on my heel and walk away, as calmly as I can. Hisao comes with me and I try to keep my eyes as dry as possible. I won't let him see my tears. We stop outside the dormitories. “Well then, g-goodbye.” I stop short, cutting off any more words that might escape from my parted lips.

“Do you want to have some tea or something, later? How about a game?”

How dare he? After what just happened, how dare he try and fix this so soon, and so abruptly? It's all I can do to keep my disappointment, my anger, my guilt, my embarrasment from shining through. I just want to part from him with no further ado and move forward. “I... I'm tired. Maybe tomorrow? I've got homework...”

Take the bait, please take it. Don't drag this out any longer. My heart is already breaking, don't force the wound to open wider. Please.

“Ah, homework. Thanks for reminding me; I've got a stack to do as well. I guess I'll see you tomorrow.”

Maybe. “See you, Hisao.” I don't give him a chance to reply, to hurt me any more than he already has. Maybe it would have been better if he'd never come to the library that day, if we'd never met. I turn again and continue walking, refusing to look back. Maybe tomorrow will be better. It definitely doesn't look like it, though.

[Sea]

[Words]

Only cats can sufficiently communicate the depression that I've entered after seeing this. It's not even a chapter, it's a punch to the face. Why must all writers be evil?

[Trivun]

[Words]

Only cats can sufficiently communicate the depression that I've entered after seeing this. It's not even a chapter, it's a punch to the face. Why must all writers be evil?

The good news is that it's only a short path to the bad ending, a slightly longer one to the neutral, and then the good ending is much longer and has plenty of good moments to fill it! It's a hard path to take, but the sorrow now will make the eventual victory all that much sweeter . I don't mean to be cruel but at least getting the bad end out of the way now means there's no shock or misery to face further down the line. It'll be out of the way soon!

[AntonSlavik020]

[Words]

Only cats can sufficiently communicate the depression that I've entered after seeing this. It's not even a chapter, it's a punch to the face. Why must all writers be evil?

The good news is that it's only a short path to the bad ending, a slightly longer one to the neutral, and then the good ending is much longer and has plenty of good moments to fill it! It's a hard path to take, but the sorrow now will make the eventual victory all that much sweeter . I don't mean to be cruel but at least getting the bad end out of the way now means there's no shock or misery to face further down the line. It'll be out of the way soon!

That makes sense. I'm actually looking forward to her neutral ending. The more middle ground nature of it will make what Hanako was thinking as it happened interesting.

[Trivun]

I know it's heartbreaking, but it has to be done...

Act 4 – Chapter One, First Branch: Nothing Left To Say

I can't be there. I just can't.

We're one day away now, I'm one day away from it and I just can't be around anybody, but he's the last person I want to see. I never said anything to him about how I feel and I don't know now if that was a good thing or a bad one. Damn it all, I can't even bring myself to say his name. I put everything of myself on him, allowed myself to finally believe that for once, just once in my life I could rely on someone and finally let myself feel as if I deserved help. And whether or not he meant to, he threw it back in my face. I opened myself up to him and got absolutely nothing in return. Nothing. Just as he made me feel.

Just as I should feel.

Could I have ever really thought that I was worthy of the help and support that was being offered to me by those I thought of as friends? I like Yuuko, I like Akira, but I was never close to them, not really. Lilly may as well have abandoned me to fly across the world. I understand why she did it, and I forgive her, but I can never avoid that feeling of betrayal. Still, she isn't the one who hurt me. He came along and made me feel as if I could be worth something, as if I could finally stop rebutting every attempt made to help me. Then when we were finally alone he broke me into nothing but fragments, and made everything worse.

I'm supposed to see Miss Yumi today but I can't bring myself to go. I haven't felt so low since I... I don't want to go into it. I was a danger to myself then, in the most literal sense of the term, and I don't want to fall back into that pattern, something that I know will happen if I leave this room, this bed. I have to be strong, but it's so hard...

The pillow is stained and soaking wet. I alternate between waking and sleep. I can't be comfortable but I don't feel as if I deserve to be. I have to push him out of my mind, to undergo my usual ritual and wallow in my own grief and self-loathing until all this passes and I can finally return to my semblance of normality. Even then, I know that I can't avoid the thoughts forcing their way into my head, of a life where he would be a part of it, such an important part that one day we... we....

I can't even cry now. I have water to sustain me, a lesson hard learned over years of mourning and misery, but even as I drink my body is purged and I cry again until whatever was taken in is completely gone. My mind races through so many possibilities of how and who and why. How I could have allowed myself to be taken in so deeply and so thoroughly, to fall for such a boy, such a man, and how I let myself lower all the defences I had spent so many years building even against the likes of Lilly. Who he could be, to let me trust him and then destroy that trust so cruelly. Why he would do this, and why I didn't see through him after everything else I've faced in my life so far.

I was blind. I realise the utter irony, but that's what I was. I was so in awe of the new and strange feelings that I didn't consider all sides to the story, and now it's too late.

Does he even care? I can't imagine he does. My life means nothing to someone like him.

As it should be. Why should I deserve to be treated like a person? Why should anybody see me as more than I am, as someone to respect, or talk to, or laugh with? Or love?

I don't know how long I lie there, fighting the impulse to drift away into the land of nightmares, so much worse than they have ever been before. Last night I saw him merged into the usual dreams, waiting as I watched my family burn. Never speaking, not even looking at me, just watching the destruction and the carnage as my life fell apart for the first, but nowhere near last, time.

My thoughts are everywhere and I can't even maintain my own consistency. Did he know how much I would break, like one of the fragile dolls on my shelf, when he said those words to me yesterday? It would have been nothing, no effort at all, to at least spend some time with me! Instead he callously left me to my own devices, expecting me to be at his beck and call yet showing no sign of interest in my own wants or desires, however few they may be. When Lilly bought me that doll for the day I dread, she couldn't have known just how much my life would come to resemble the gift.

Fragile.

They say that in many fragile things there is a level of strength, but whatever strength I had has been sucked away by him. I can't eat, I can't sleep, though I can't stay awake, and whatever I do I find myself reminded of him.

It's not even that I wanted the support that he was originally offering. I don't want that, I don't need it. Help, people doing everything for me and smothering me like some kind of needy child, that's never been what I wanted! But surely everyone needs some kind of company, someone to share their darkest secrets with, someone who can be a crutch when needed yet never expects that their help is vital. Lilly was never that for me. She tried, oh yes, but she couldn't be there all the time when I needed her, and she was there too much when I didn't, when I was trying to show my inner strength.

I still have that. I know it, I just buried it so far down that I don't know if I could recover it again. Maybe in my darkest moments, because this isn't my darkest moment, not by a long shot. It's been a long time since I felt this low, but I know that I can go even lower. As for the trigger, well, I won't know that until it hits me.

I realise I wasn't lying to him when I mentioned my homework yesterday. I don't have any drive now to finish it. It will have to wait, indefinitely. The day passes. Nothing happens save my ongoing hatred of the world, and one small part of it in particular.

Can I really blame him, though? I'm tough to deal with, I know that. Some people come with baggage, but who else has dealt with the kind of thing I have had to live with most of my life? If he was scared off by that, if he considered all the possibilities and decided it wasn't worth the trauma or the stress... but then he could have been honest! I'd have understood. Did he ever even consider how I might have felt about him? Or are his thoughts elsewhere, perhaps halfway across the world, with someone else...?

I'm startled from my reverie by a gentle knocking on the door. No, please, don't let it be...

Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock.

“Hanako, it's just me. Mutou said to give you some stuff.” No. I didn't want this, I didn't want this! However, if he's been sent here by Mutou-sensei then I have little choice. I wait as long as I can before emerging from the damp cocoon and checking that my nightgown covers everything. I slowly walk towards the door and unlock it, opening it just a fraction so I can see his face through the gap. I don't look at his eyes, in fact I deliberately avoid his gaze. I don't want to know what he might be thinking now.

“Hi, Hanako. Mutou wanted me to give you these since you weren't in class today.” My shoulders slumped, I take the papers from his outstretched hand, barely glancing at them before my own hand moves away. I already know that this work won't be done for a while, I have no mood nor desire to study right now. He moves his head to look at me better but I look away, not wanting him to see me like this.

How pathetic of me, to still care what he thinks of me, of my appearance, after everything I've been through...

“Are you... okay? If you're feeling sick or anything, I could go get a nurse.” This is the first time I look at him, the first time I can bring myself to say how I feel.

“I'm fine.” The lie is so obvious but he doesn't question it. I honestly don't know if I even want him to, or if I'd rather he leave. At least he isn't trying to get into the room, to comfort me like some kind of hypocrite.

“I see.” He accepts my words without question. Then... “Would you like me to stay? I don't have anything urgent to do at the moment, so it wouldn't be any trouble.”

I look away again, determined not to let him see my eyes any more. “Hanako...?” I shake my head, the only response I dare give. I dread to imagine what words will burst from my lips if I open them, I can already feel them wobbling. “Okay. Um... good night, then.” I close the door before he can continue speaking, and retreat to my bed. I remove the nightgown and try to sleep, dreading the dreams to come.

I wonder if he can dream well...?

[BestTerribleApe]

I can't eat, I can't sleep, though I can't stay awake, and whatever I do I find myself reminded of him.

He keeps her under his spell, he keeps her under his spell...

*last two chapters*

Well, that escalated quickly. Not to say it's bad, but you seems determined to quickly get this out of the way. Not that anybody can blame you.

[Negativedarke]

Arrgh. And it's going to get worse before it gets better. Because you're going to have to tackle the point where Hanako's self loathing turns to hatred for Hisao. Yeah these last few chapters have been short, and a bit frantic, but I think that works. It helps drive home the chaotic state Hanako's emotions are in.

[sidorak26]

You lost me a bit there. Why did Hanako get so mad so fast? Why does "I don't want to go out" equal "I have no feeling for you" to her? And so suddenly too.

[Bad Apple]

You lost me a bit there. Why did Hanako get so mad so fast? Why does "I don't want to go out" equal "I have no feeling for you" to her? And so suddenly too.

I don't wish for my own humble interpretation to be mistaken for whatever the author intends, but it is my opinion that Hanako's self-esteem issues and general mental instability have been repeatedly shown and built up during the course of this story. I do agree it feels sudden if you read this in a vacuum, as most of us do—an unfortunate side-effect of serialized fiction, since it is not readily available to read in one go. I'm sure the author can provide a better answer, since it's his work.

So I've finally caught up to this again. Good work and kudos to you, Trivun.

I like the balance you strike between portraying Hanako not as someone who needs to be treated as a traumatized child, but as a severely lonely girl that desires true love and companionship, despite her obvious baggage and deep insecurities. While you could say this almost, but not quite, justifies her friends' behavior from where they stand, that isn't the case when you see things her way. All her fears and insecurities, as varied and fleeting as they may be, play out realistically to me—something I can attest to, mostly from second-hand experience—which is a bonus as well.

If I may, the editor in me is shamelessly telling me to nitpick on a few things:

“Okay then.” We wait in silence for a few seconds before Hisao speaks again. “So how long is the flight to Scotland?” I realise it's a long journey, and will take a lot of time, but I'm not quite prepared for Lilly's answer. It seems amazingly far, and drives home just how great the distance will be between us. One less crutch to support me in my hardest moments. Both a blessing, and a curse.

“About sixteen hours, if I remember correctly.” As I say, a very long time. “It's a bit hard to tell with the changing time zones.”

“So long...” I hear myself say quietly. I'd forgotten about the time zones too, it'll make phoning each other a bit more awkward when it's night here and morning there. I keep running through my head just how I'll manage to cope without Lilly here for me. I hate myself for it, but I depend on her, and although I don't feel I deserve the support she gives me I can't deny I'm grateful for it. That is, I'm grateful when I want it. I suppose it's a good thing that she's leaving just at the time when I want to shut the world out, when I want to be alone, but I can't avoid feeling tense and wanting to find some way to cope and wondering how Hisao will deal with everything and how I can keep him away and...

Wouldn't Hanako's reaction be more poignant if it was factually backed by Lilly's answer, rather than mere speculations based on Hisao's question?

To whit, observe my hasty and crude cut-and-paste switcheroo:

“Okay then.” We wait in silence for a few seconds before Hisao speaks again. “So how long is the flight to Scotland?” I realise it's a long journey, and will take a lot of time, but I'm not quite prepared for Lilly's answer.

“About sixteen hours, if I remember correctly. It's a bit hard to tell with the changing time zones.”

It seems amazingly far, and drives home just how great the distance will be between us. One less crutch to support me in my hardest moments. Both a blessing, and a curse.

“So long...” I hear myself say quietly. I'd forgotten about the time zones too, it'll make phoning each other a bit more awkward when it's night here and morning there. I keep running through my head just how I'll manage to cope without Lilly here for me. I hate myself for it, but I depend on her, and although I don't feel I deserve the support she gives me I can't deny I'm grateful for it. That is, I'm grateful when I want it. I suppose it's a good thing that she's leaving just at the time when I want to shut the world out, when I want to be alone, but I can't avoid feeling tense and wanting to find some way to cope and wondering how Hisao will deal with everything and how I can keep him away and...

And while I'm in shameless nitpicking editor mode, here's one more:

I realise I wasn't lying to him when I mentioned my homework yesterday. I don't have any drive now to finish it. It will have to wait, indefinitely. The day passes. Nothing happens save my ongoing hatred of the world, and one small part of it in particular.

In my opinion, there should be a paragraph break whenever there is a timeskip of any sort, since it denotes a "change in scenery", in this case being "The day passes." And I do consider it a "change in scenery" as it preludes Hisao's visit. But again, I'm just nitpicking and it's up to you.

Other than that, there is nothing I really found worth nitpicking. Well done as always!

Additionally, I was going to ask as to how you'll handle the endings, but your choice is exactly what I had in mind as it makes the most sense to me. No problems here, provided the Bad End isn't too short or rushed (although we'll understand if you need to make an emergency appointment with Miss Yumi right afterward. ) But hey, no pain, no gain, right?

I'm looking forward to that horrible, ghastly ending. Don't you worry if you've found a way to make computer screens melt with words. I think I need a new laptop anyway.

[sidorak26]

I don't wish for my own humble interpretation to be mistaken for whatever the author intends, but it is my opinion that Hanako's self-esteem issues and general mental instability have been repeatedly shown and built up during the course of this story. I do agree it feels sudden if you read this in a vacuum, as most of us do—an unfortunate side-effect of serialized fiction, since it is not readily available to read in one go. I'm sure the author can provide a better answer, since it's his work.

I did see her go into "hate all the things including myself" mode slowly due to the time nearing her birthday and Lilly leaving but I still don't understand how not going to the city means that "he will never see me the way I do".

[Atario]

I did see her go into "hate all the things including myself" mode slowly due to the time nearing her birthday and Lilly leaving but I still don't understand how not going to the city means that "he will never see me the way I do".

I'm not the author, but I think: She sees his apparent lack of interest in her (possibly as anything but an object of pity) as confirmation of the validity of her own self-loathing.

[Trivun]

I don't wish for my own humble interpretation to be mistaken for whatever the author intends, but it is my opinion that Hanako's self-esteem issues and general mental instability have been repeatedly shown and built up during the course of this story. I do agree it feels sudden if you read this in a vacuum, as most of us do—an unfortunate side-effect of serialized fiction, since it is not readily available to read in one go. I'm sure the author can provide a better answer, since it's his work.

I did see her go into "hate all the things including myself" mode slowly due to the time nearing her birthday and Lilly leaving but I still don't understand how not going to the city means that "he will never see me the way I do".

I'll give a proper response to all the reviews so far later, as I'm at work at the moment on break so don't have much time to go into detail on things. However, in this case I think really it's more an instance of Hanako feeling rejected by Hisao when he chooses not to spend time with her, and that's what brings those thoughts on. As Atario just said, it confirms (in her eyes) her own worthlessness, something she already believes anyway as shown repeatedly through the story and through the game.

That being said, when I came to write the chapters I did look ahead in the original game to see what happens after both choices are made, to refresh my memory, so I'd have an idea of how Hanako would react in all cases (and thus understand what was going through her head before the choice is made). If you choose to stay at Yamaku and not go out, then Hanako's responses are very short and abrupt, more so than usual (I did lift the dialogue verbatim from the game so you can see those responses above anyway). It's very subtle, but if you know what to look for then it is there in the original VN transcript. However, if Hisao chooses to go with her to the city, then she very clearly and visibly brightens up, becoming very eager to go with Hisao and spend time with him. I used those reactions to decide how to deal with the situation in the bad ending.

When I come to write the other endings I will be writing this chapter again, as the events are the same regardless of whether or not Hisao and Hanako go to the city. However, Hanako's thoughts will of course be somewhat different, especially regarding Hisao, so the rewrite will be very different to the existing chapter so far...