Feelings after the game that I find difficult to deal with

[DaBa]

(I tried to avoid making any spoilers, but I couldn't help some and they are blackened out. I still feel obliged to say, that I will be focusing on Emi in this topic. Also, this post may turn out be VERY LONG post, i hope it won't be against any regulations. I just want to talk about it.)

Hello everybody.

I am not really sure why am I writing this. I think it's because i have to get it out of me and that might make me feel better. I can only hope it does...

Recently I was looking for an interesting game to pick up and I have found Katawa Shoujo. I heard about it a couple of times and I decided to play out of boredom. That was my second VN i picked up (I have played Princess Waltz about 2 years ago) and I thought it will serve as a time killer, like it did before. I wasn't really prepared for what was to come.

Before I played it i thought the game will be somehow bold and scandalous about the "disability" theme surrounding it. To my surprise, the game dealt with it in an elegant way, slowly drawing each character very carefuly, without pointing at their... worse side (or so I thought it was at the start). I became to like the theme very much and decided to play through the game. The fact, that i could easly relate to the Hisao (the way he acts and thinks) only made it easier for me to be drawn in into this world. At the end, I have chosen to follow the nurse's advice and began to run. That's how I ended up being on the Emi part of the story. Emi seemed like the person that I would most likely spend my time with. She was energetic, positive, fun and very adorable (Hisao seemed to share this train of thoughts with me). Before long, I found myself engaged in this so much, that I was feeling like it was me who is standing here and talking to her, not the game character. I didn't really mind it, because I get that feeling a lot when I read a really good book, so wasn't anything new to me.

The time it all came to me was the scene in the ACT 2 whenI was in her room and I ended up on the top of her and she gave that beautiful smile of hers. The time that happened I was still so immersed in the game that my brain was failing to realize what was reality and what was fiction. The results were... at least weird for me. I menaged to come to my "senses" and I noticed my hearts was beating a little faster then it should and my whole body felt light. It was the feeling of happiness. I felt happy that someone gave me such a beautiful smile, doesn't matter if it was a fictional character, it felt very real to me at least. My curiosity took best of me and I dived right into the world again. By the timeshe confessed at the rooftop I knew i fell in love with that person. It felt weird for me to do that, having a crush on something that doesn't exists. Still, I felt that this is the kind of a person that I would like to spend my time with, I just know it... somehow. I felt excactly the same way as Hisao did. I was so eager to spend taht time with her I noticed I started to click through some text, like talking to Kenji, as I felt it was all meaningless compared to spending time with Emi.

Not wanting to spoil a story to anybody, I'll just say that I felt every feel Hisao did very directly. I was happy and smiling as he did, My insides were twisting just like he said his did. I felt sorrow and desperation just like he did pursuing Emi near the end. I was so afraid I will scew something up, even when I wasn't making any decisions, I was scared when Hisao carefully formed his words, trying not to break it up into a fight. I refused to check wiki or anything, I felt it was up to me and me alone to chose my path. And... it all ended well. I got the happy ending I wanted. I felt really happy with myself! Then the credits came and I felt like some1 awakened me from a sweet dream by pouring a bucket of cold water on my face. It was a little more sudden then the book ending. You can see how many pages are left and you can predict the climax is coming and the end is at hand. But the credits took me by surprise and pulled me out of the game's world very suddenly.

After I closed the game, I got the same feeling of emptiness you get after finishing a good book (I know book lovers know excactly what I am talking about). So, I ignored it and decided to do something else. But... I couldn't make myself to do anything to my surprise. I tried to read a book I bought last week, but it wasn't as interesting as before. I tried to play my favourite games, but that didn't work as well. The feeling of emptiness was so strong It felt like it was some kind of black hole inside me that sucked all the will to do anything. I got an idea to play Katawa Shoujo for the second time, but as I was truing to get some different results for a new story I had a sudden feel of guilt in my stomach. It felt like before you confront someone and expect scolding. I couldn't play it with that terrible feel and abbondoned the idea. It was evening already so I went to sleep. Then I had a dream about Emi and me having lunch and some other stuff (that are personal for me, sorry). I woke up in the morning and I got the same feeling as the day before. Emptiness. I tried to someone about those feeling and the game, but I don't have such a person. My mom doesn't like me playing games at all, she talks about them like they are a waste of time and saying I am an idiot to play them (literally), she doesn't even care to look into them anyhow, despite sitting in from of TV and watching those meaningless shows. She would probably laught me off when hearing about me falling in love with fictional character. My dad is always bussy and he is not a type of a person you share concerns with. My sister is too young for those matters and all my friends aren't interested in Visual Novels.
In my environement it is considered almost taboo to watch anime or play games like that. You are ofted laughted of and accused of being childlish. I haven't really got a friend that would hear me out and share my concerns. I feel alenated from everyone, because everybody seems so... plain. They are generic: playing football, eating pizza, drinking beer and playing CoD and moba games. Without any perspectives, I am stuck in here with no ability to share my "weird" hobbies. I learnt english just so I can go on the internet and talk with people that (maybe) understand me.

The second day was the one I realized, that the reason I got into the game so much was, that the main character was that simmilar to me. We both ended up in a place that we didn't want to be and were not given a choice in that matter. We both felt different from others: Hisao didn't look sick at all, which was bothering him for some times, just as I have different hobbies and thoughts about the world. We both felt alienated and wanted to make some connection. But, it was Emi that made me come to a really painful conclusion about my life.

All the time I tried to izolate myself from everybody, telling myself that I can only depent on myself and depending or being the person that someone depends on is just a pain. I stopped carrying about school (I got okay marks without studying. It was always enough for me to just listen to the teacher and what was left in my head was enough to pass the exams) and a month ago, after I heard I got into the collage I wanted I felt satisfied with myself and didn't have to worry about my future for some time. I focused on reading books and playing games for the last 7 years or so, because they felt more interesting then my present life. I even gained some unnecessary weight lately, because I took my asthma as an excuse not to work out, since running for more then a mile was making me go out of breath since I remember. All the simmilarities to the Hisao were so shocking to me, that I realized what I really wanted.

I always wanted to have someone to care about. Somebody like Emi. Somebody energetic, to make up for my lack of enthusiasm. Someone to cheer me up with a smile everyday. I felt that it is the only thing that would get me out of my booring routine. And I realized how I really want to break that routine, to have someone to hang out with that would like me for who I am. But I never met that person and gave up on it too early and too easly. I really would her to become a reality and make my life feel like it means something.

This happened once before and it was also done by a video game. It was Persona 3, the first jRPG game that I have ever played, and just like this one, it made me think about my life. That game changed myself in a way, that I became more open to people. I used to be really closed up in myself, like Hanako, but not so extreme. But Katawa Shoujo really touched the deapest and the darkest parts of myself, some of then I didn't really know existed.

I wrote the last few lines with tears in my eyes. I really can overreact things really quickly and I sometimes hate myself for it. I realize, that the whole post turned out to be more like my lifestory then a conversation about the game itself, but I feel like I really needed to share this with somebody. Somebody that won't judge me by stereotypes and social beliefs.

If you menaged to get to the end of it, I sincerly thank you for reading this. I took a lot of courage for me to do this, even knowing that I am pretty much anonymous 20 years old boy on the internet. I must say, I feel a lot less weight on my chest now and I am happy about it.
....

I really want to do something with my life, but I feel so helpless and unable to change the flow of it. I made myself believe that no girl would like to hang out with me, due to my strange hobbies, still being shy aroud the girls and my generic looks. But maybe I will try to change that. I don't really know yet. I feel compeled to do so but also afraid, that I will never find this one and only person. The person that I hope to find.

The real life Emi



Thank you again for hearing me out and I apologize for any mistakes made in the post, I wasn't paying attention to in and I don't think I could in that state.

[Drummodino]

Mate... You are describing me. You are legitimately describing my experience with this game and life. For me it was Lily. I fell in love with Lilly. I can't share this experience with any of my friends, my parents don't approve of video games. Anime and especially hentai are considered disgusting in my environment. Hell I'm an anonymous 20 year old boy on the internet studying at university! Everything felt shallow to me after finishing her story. At uni the next day I walked down to the river nearby and cried. I was depressed, I despaired thinking that I would never find my Lily. It took me two weeks to relaunch Katawa and play through the rest of the stories. If you need to talk with someone experiencing the same thing, I'm here. I could use it just as much as you I think.

[Firewind]

Wow, that was a really long post. I've read it all, nonetheless and of course, welcome aboard! I really enjoy reading other people's thoughts on the game after playing it. Maybe because it reminds me of myself when I played it a few months ago, and the way it made me feel.

In my environement it is considered almost taboo to watch anime or play games like that. You are ofted laughted of and accused of being childlish. I haven't really got a friend that would hear me out and share my concerns. I feel alenated from everyone, because everybody seems so... plain. They are generic: playing football, eating pizza, drinking beer and playing CoD and moba games. Without any perspectives, I am stuck in here with no ability to share my "weird" hobbies.

This just described my point of view about telling other people about KS better than I could've ever said. I have a few friends (or maybe, more like pals) but they're too generic for stuff like this. I've told my best friend who I thought would give it a try to play KS but it seems like he's not that far from being "plain"...he's pretty much underestimating it and says that it'll be boring.

We all want KS to be real, the stories are well written, the characters are very interesting to say the least, and the music, just brilliant. I'm 20 years old, too, and I think that most of us here are somewhere between 18-25 years old.


Your post was, at least for me, worth the read, trust me. I'd suggest playing all the routes (if you hadn't yet) before visiting this forum because of the spoilers.

[Drummodino]

This just described my point of view about telling other people about KS better than I could've ever said. I have a few friends (or maybe, more like pals) but they're too generic for stuff like this. I've told my best friend who I thought would give it a try to play KS but it seems like he's not that far from being "plain"...he's pretty much underestimating it and says that it'll be boring.

We all want KS to be real, the stories are well written, the characters are very interesting to say the least, and the music, just brilliant. I'm 20 years old, too, and I think that most of us here are somewhere between 18-25 years old.

It seems like a lot of use ~20 year olds come here to discuss this since we have no one IRL to talk to about it. It makes me a little sad, but also happy knowing that there are people out there like me

[Comrade]

I had very similar feelings when I played the game for the first time, although it took me more then a month to play all of it, so I had time to deal with them on my own between reading sessions.
I tried to get some of my friends to play it, but they weren't interested at the time, so I decided to take a look at the forums, and then I started reading ait of fan fics and stuff, and eventually I didn't feel that emptiness anymore. Maybe it will be the same for you.

[wazuzu]

It seems like a lot of use ~20 year olds come here to discuss this since we have no one IRL to talk to about it. It makes me a little sad, but also happy knowing that there are people out there like me

Dude, this is downright depressing to think of it.

[Drummodino]

It seems like a lot of use ~20 year olds come here to discuss this since we have no one IRL to talk to about it. It makes me a little sad, but also happy knowing that there are people out there like me

Dude, this is downright depressing to think of it.

Depends on how you look at it I guess. I'm trying to stay positive.

[wazuzu]

Depends on how you look at it I guess. I'm trying to stay positive.

This is trying to keep a good face on a bad game. Dreaming is okay, but you gonna get a bad ending if you prefer dreaming to real life.
Katawa Shoujo actually is an inspiring piece of work, which influenced lots of people to get their shit together and to start living a real life. I think the general idea is okay.

[Drummodino]

Depends on how you look at it I guess. I'm trying to stay positive.

This is trying to keep a good face on a bad game. Dreaming is okay, but you gonna get a bad ending if you prefer dreaming to real life.
Katawa Shoujo actually is an inspiring piece of work, which influenced lots of people to get their shit together and to start living a real life. I think the general idea is okay.

I'm not saying neglect the outside world for this if that's what you're implying. It's just nice that there is a place here where we can talk about Katawa. This VN has definitely inspired me to take actions IRL.

[wazuzu]

This VN has definitely inspired me to take actions IRL.

That's great. I was quite inspired too. And I feel lack of inspiration now, so I think I'd go and re-read some route, probably Emi's.

[DaBa]

Thank you.

It's really nice to see people that have a simmilar point of view. I greatly appreciate your replies. And thank you for a warm welcome.

[Weird Heather]

In my environement it is considered almost taboo to watch anime or play games like that. You are ofted laughted of and accused of being childlish. I haven't really got a friend that would hear me out and share my concerns. I feel alenated from everyone, because everybody seems so... plain. They are generic: playing football, eating pizza, drinking beer and playing CoD and moba games. Without any perspectives, I am stuck in here with no ability to share my "weird" hobbies. I learnt english just so I can go on the internet and talk with people that (maybe) understand me.

A lot of people have "weird" hobbies. I certainly do, and I embrace them without worrying about what other people think. The anime taboo that you mention is a curious phenomenon. I have never quite been able to figure out why so many people have such a strong aversion to anime and manga, which mostly seem to be little more than harmless entertainment, and at their best can be excellent works of art. (Maybe some people mistakenly think that all anime consists of tentacle porn involving underage girls.) I'm not obsessed with anime, but I have encountered it off and on since the late 1970s, and I have never seen anything wrong with it. In fact, "Katawa Shoujo" reminded me of it, and I've been watching a few anime series lately. Perhaps since visual novels share many characteristics with manga and anime, they are subject to the same taboo.

It is possible to become obsessed with any hobby to the point of becoming detached from real life, and we must all guard against that, but there is nothing wrong with unusual hobbies. They add diversity to the world. If the people around you don't share your interests, the internet is a good place to look. Also, college is a very different environment from high school (or whatever the equivalent is in your country). At the university I attended, I found plenty of intellectually inclined people, many of whom had weird hobbies. Any decent-sized college or university is likely to have a number of people who are interested in anime and computer games; you only need to find them.

It seems like a lot of use ~20 year olds come here to discuss this since we have no one IRL to talk to about it. It makes me a little sad, but also happy knowing that there are people out there like me

I'm over 40 now, but I remember feeling very alone and isolated when I was your age. You are fortunate that the internet has grown so much in the last two decades or so. It was a very different place in 1990, when I first got internet access, in the pre-world wide web days. It was a lot harder to connect with people back then, and the learning curve was steep.

If you find "Katawa Shoujo" meaningful, it doesn't matter that other people find visual novels "icky," or that they violate arbitrary taboos. Many people fall in love with characters from novels, and this is no different. The writers are talented and imaginative, and they have created some very rich and complex characters, so it is only natural that readers will fall in love with their creations.

[ewx]

Don't go looking for love.

You'll be so busy looking for Mrs. Perfect (change name prefixes according to sexuality and gender) that when you meet her, you might not be her Mr. Perfect.
You could spend a whole lifetime looking for her but then how do you tell her when you meet her that you've just been looking for her for the past few years instead of living your life as you want to do.

Don't go looking for love because it'll find you when you least expect it.

[hitman555z]

It seems like a lot of use ~20 year olds come here to discuss this since we have no one IRL to talk to about it. It makes me a little sad, but also happy knowing that there are people out there like me

Dude, this is downright depressing to think of it.

depressing in which sense, that you have no one to talk to about feels or that the world around us is too stupid to appreciate something amazing such as KS?

i also have no on to talk to about the feels from this game, in real life i mean. it makes me appreciate the people i do talk to about the feels though, even if they are just random strangers online.

[pandaphil]

I really enjoyed reading your post DaBa, because yes, it described my reaction as well. For a long time I couldn't really read a story, play a game, or anything because it just didn't measure up to KS. It's a feeling that does fade in time, but never really quite goes away.

My girl of course, was Hanako. I'd give a lot to be with someone like her.

And yes, a lot of us have sad lives, but at least we have places like this where we can support each other.