Flowers in Your Hair [Original Characters] 5/28

[Kinetic115]

I have little experience in writing, but for whatever reason, my family & friends seem to think I have a natural talent for it. I'm giving fanfiction a shot here by writing a story that's been bouncing around in my head for a long time. It wasn't a KS story at first; it was an old love story I thought up when I was twelve, set in 1850's England. As my life progressed, and high school went by, it evolved into this. Heavily inspired by music, many of your writings on this forum, and my own life, this story comes forward.

With no prior experience, I welcome the harshest of criticism.

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Act I - An Even Number of Petals
Scene 1 - Hangovers and a Russian Girl (this post)
Scene 2 - A Pleasant Lunch with an English Girl (Soon (tm))
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Having a hangover on a school day is the last thing I thought I'd be doing after my first week at Yamaku. Kenji is such a bastard. Why did I let him talk me into that shit? I nearly fell off the roof! Thank god I missed that hole in the fence.

A cold shower wakes and sobers me up a small amount, but not enough to make me not want to go back to bed. My head is pounding, and I feel really dry. I've never been hungover before, and I don't like it one bit.

It's better than having spent the festival day alone, right?... Right?

Halfway through the first class, I seriously consider going back to my room and sleeping the rest of the day away. My pride tells me to tough it out, but honestly, I would strangle it right now if it were a tangible thing. I'm struggling to keep my attention pointed at the teacher, and I can't read what's on the board at this point because of the spots dancing though my vision.

The bell brings sweet relief and we shuffle out to lunch; maybe some food in my stomach would help me out. The sudden noise and motion are confusing to say the least. I'm pretty disoriented, and end up using a wall as my guidance.

But, alas, even with my faithful drywall guide, I end up running into somebody. Books and papers fall to the ground, while I try to keep myself from following suit. A wave of dizzyness renders my attempts vain, as my grip on the windowsill weakens, and gravity delivers its final blow. The people around the site of the incident take a moment to slow down and see what happened, before returning to their business.

"Oh man, I'm so sorry, let me just..." I mumble and trail off as I pull myself up and begin helping pick up the papers and supplies, scattered across the hall.

"You should really watch where you're going, you know," the girl says.

"Yeah I know I just-"

Another sudden wave of dizzyness cutts me off, and I'm not sure wether or not my stomach is going to be feeling cooperative very much longer.

Hangovers are annoying, I conclude.

"Woah, hey kid, are you okay?" the girl next to me asks. I'm trying to keep from throwing up. Leaning up against the wall now, I suck air to hopefully alleviate some of the sick feelings. The girl crouches down so that we're level, and looks me in the eyes. Her eyes are a frosty blue, in contrast to her brilliant red hair.

"Yo, kid, you need to go to the nurse or something?" She asks in an oddly casual tone.

"No I-" You know what? I think I could stand to lay down for a bit. "Yeah, actually, I think that would do me some good."

"C'mon," She offers me a hand to help me up, "I'll make sure you don't die on the way."

How very kind of you, I think as I hand her the papers I picked up.

My eyes feel tight in their sockets as we come out of the school and into the sun's view. As I'm trailing behind the girl, I notice that she has an odd hair style. It's straight and a bit messy on one side, while curly and wavy on the other. It's a strange combo, but it works.

"Sorry for knocking you over back there," I say,"I'm not feeling very well today."

She spins around on one foot, the tie on her uniform spinning outwards. She starts walking backwards, her glasses glinting in the sun. She walks lazily, but seems to be at least a little nimble. "No problem. I probably would've dropped 'em anyway," she responds. "My name is Sasha Petrikov. What's yours.?"

"Hisao Nakai," I respond.

"Nice to meet you Hisao," She says as she extends her hand at me, "As awkward as our meeting was," she adds, with a light chuckle at the end.

"Nice to meet you too," I return, shaking her extended hand.

"So Mr. Nakai, is there any reason you're walking around school hungover?"

"I- eh... Um..." I sputter, as the cogs in my mind seize up as the try to procure an excuse. How could she tell? Is it really that obvious? And, most importantly, will the nurse notice?

"You were drunk. maybe?" She says sarcastically, as if to make fun of my inability to lie on the spot.

"Er... Yeah." I finally choke it out.

"Here, use this," she says as she tosses me some eye drops, "And tell the nurse that you think you got food poisoning. It is the day after the festival, so it's not an unlikely story."

I look down at the bottle of Visine. Good thing she's the helpful type and not the nark type.

I begin my attempt to put the eye drops in. I always had a hard time keeping my eyes open for these things because I always blink before it got into my eye. It's a bit embarrassing that I don't know how to properly put eye drops in, and she's watching me fail on top of that. Eventually, they do get in, with my face looking like a light rainstorm had passed. I mumble under my breath, something about Russians and vodka. Sasha notices and a light smirk crosses her face as she silently teases me.

"Thanks," I say. It seems a little thin for how grateful I am, but I don't want to seem too serious; especially when she seems so laid back.

"Always a pleasure to help out an aspiring alcoholic. By the way, not all Russians drink. Try to mumble quieter, or you'll end up pissing someone off."

"How do I look?" I ask.

"Like a crybaby," she retorts, as I hand her back her eye drops and continue on to the nurses office.

"I'm gonna go, okay?" she starts as she turns around and begins walking the other way, "I do have a social life to attend to, after all."

"Alright, then," I tell her, wiping away the drops and pseudo-tears.

"Bye."

"Bye."

I watch her walk away, she jumps over and curb, railing, or rock that she crosses. In between, she seems to use as little energy or focus as possible to walk.

Lazy, but nimble.

I wish that I had a social life to attend to, but that died when I transferred here. A plant can't live if it doesn't have roots.

A guilty feeling bugs me for bothering that girl with my hungover antics. She really helped me out though, because without her, the nurse would know that I was drinking last night as soon I got to his office. I'm terrible at fabricating lies, and I most likely would've spilled the beans in an instant. He bought the food poisoning thing, though, and sent me to my dorm to get some rest.

At least I tried to make it though the day right?
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Act 1 Scene 1 - Revised Edition! Please hold you applause!

In all seriousness, though, I do feel like this one is better. But, that's up for you guys to decide.

The old version, for reference:

[aidz]

Sasha

>Sacha

ITZ NAAICE

its a nice start, but that's all I can say from reading that wee bit, hope there's more on the way;D

[LegyPlegy]

It's decent, although the writing style was kind of jarring. It didn't really ~flow~, it was more like "This happened. Then this happened. Now i feel this way. And then suddenly". You should try to "connect" the sentences more, maybe add some new vocab to it as well. Other than that small nuisance, it was pretty good for a first time fic!

[Kinetic115]

It's decent, although the writing style was kind of jarring. It didn't really ~flow~, it was more like "This happened. Then this happened. Now i feel this way. And then suddenly". You should try to "connect" the sentences more, maybe add some new vocab to it as well. Other than that small nuisance, it was pretty good for a first time fic!

Just you watch, the next chapter will be much better. It was midnight on a school night when a majority of this was written.

>Sacha

Is that how it's spelled?

[aidz]

>Sacha

Is that how it's spelled?

hahah nonono it's how Sacha Baron Cohen spells it and ive been desperate to use that picture and I couldn't resist with the similar sounding names, sorray

[Helbereth]

I sent a PM with a series of unfortunate suggestions.

Overall, it's not bad. Someone else commented that your sentence structure is a little jarring and needs some finesse, plus you need to be mindful of how an established character reacts to stimulus versus one of your own creations. Your vocabulary probably indicates your age more than your ability--you just haven't learned as many words yet.

My only real complaint is that this Sasha character isn't particularly well described. Even in his addled state, Hisao should be able to notice hair color, height, basic physical attributes, and other such things you left out completely. Since it's someone he hasn't met before, you can take the time to offer a more thorough description.

[Kinetic115]

Scene One as been revised, hopefully for the better.

[Oddball]

I didn't read the first version, so I don't know how that looked.

Many of your sentences, especially towards the beginning seem rather abrupt and jump from topic to topic without giving the reader a chance to gain a feel fro what's happening.

My eyes feel tight in their sockets as we come out of the school and into the sun's view. As I'm trailing behind the girl, I notice that she has an odd hair style. It's straight and a bit messy on one side, while curly and wavy on the other. It's a strange combo, but it works.

I'm having a hard time picturing this. Also, having Hisao mention it works right away seems rushed. Something closer to "It's a strange hairdo, but I've seen stranger here," or "It's a strange hairdo, not horrible or anything, just unusual."

Good thing she's the helpful type and not the nark type.

I was actually going to point out this being an error, but apparently some place do spell narc with a K. This is just the first time I've ever seen anyone write it that way.

One last thing, for being in such a horrible mood the day of the festival and hungover today, Hisao sure seems sociable.