Departure [Phase 1]

[Henry Spencer]

So after a couple weeks of thinking, the beginning of this fic does not fit into the grand scheme of things.

I will eventually post a new phase 1, but for now, I'm taking the original down.

[Oddball]

Well, so far all you've did is rewrite a story we've already been told, except adding in a scene where Hisao gets beat up.

Frankly, that little addition does more to wreck the feeling of the story than it does to add to it. Not only does it stick out like a sore thumb, but it completely changes the focus of the ending and not for the better.

Before, the focus was about Hisao's desperation in trying to overcome his own body's weakness. Now he gets the crap kicked out of him so he can't go on. Before all the fault in the world was his. Now he clearly has somebody to blame for not being able to reach Lilly.

I really hope you're going somewhere with this.

[Plague]

I couldn't say it better than Oddball did.

[pandaphil]

Eh, I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and see where this leads.

[Henry Spencer]

Well, so far all you've did is rewrite a story we've already been told, except adding in a scene where Hisao gets beat up.

Frankly, that little addition does more to wreck the feeling of the story than it does to add to it. Not only does it stick out like a sore thumb, but it completely changes the focus of the ending and not for the better.

Before, the focus was about Hisao's desperation in trying to overcome his own body's weakness. Now he gets the crap kicked out of him so he can't go on. Before all the fault in the world was his. Now he clearly has somebody to blame for not being able to reach Lilly.

I really hope you're going somewhere with this.

I had to rewrite this scene to set up the rest, and since it's not a retelling of the good end or some sort of neutral end continuation, things changed accordingly.

[Plague]

Oh a bad end then. You should really put a warning to the first post for all us Lillybros I mean there is the "all good things must end" but that just made me curious and not warned.

[Helbereth]

Oh a bad end then. You should really put a warning to the first post for all us Lillybros I mean there is the "all good things must end" but that just made me curious and not warned.

The day I have to put a warning on my stories indicating it could, perchance, lead to a feeling of depression or outrage, is the day I quit writing.

/rant
Even seeing 'mature' or 'adult' content warnings on things here feels wrong--it throws any anticipation for what might happen out the window.

"Gee, this chapter has an 'adult' warning... suppose they're gonna fuck?" asked a prospective reader.

"Nah, I bet it's just there to troll us," said nobody, ever.
/endrant

Anyway, I'm still with Oddball on this, honestly. The additions you made to the situation feel completely out of context, and I'm not sure what they'll really contribute to the retelling. Delaying the release of the other parts was probably not the best plan, either.