Hideaki: A Tale of Manliness

[OtakuNinja]

Well, every rose has its thorn. I hope next chapter is better/more understandable.

[epicmuffin18]

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

[DanjaDoom]

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

[neio]

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

yes.gif

I watched that for a disturbingly long time

[hawkeye77th]

I love Jigoro so much. He is such an over-the-top character than I can do nothing but find him hilarious. Your stories have seriously had me laughing out loud since I started reading them yesterday.

[DanjaDoom]

I love Jigoro so much. He is such an over-the-top character than I can do nothing but find him hilarious. Your stories have seriously had me laughing out loud since I started reading them yesterday.

Appreciate that, Hawk.

On an unrelated note, my dad would probably really like your choice of avatar...

[DanjaDoom]

That moment when you're just like "What am I doing with my life?"

This is it in story form.

Please enjoy this little slice of crack~

The Gang Steals Cable: Part 2
“Pssst, Coo Coo Bird, you awake in there?”

“Let him sleep, Madcap, he just got in a few days ago!”

“Mind your business, Santa Claus! No one wants to hear what you have to say up in the nosebleeds!”

“Man, if I were five rows down and three cells to the left I’d whoop your scrawny ass and then hug you afterward, just like my pa did!”

“I heard Sweet T’s daddy got thrown in here for trying to get Logo for free!”

A resounding chorus of “oooh’s” echoes around our block, and all of a sudden we’ve stepped back into the third grade.

“YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH, THAT IS VICIOUS SLANDER!”

“Man, shut the fuck up, you’re too stupid to even spell vicious!”

“Oh yeah, Delirious? Well yo mama’s so stupid, she got fired from a blowjob!”

“MY MAMA IS AN EXTREMELY INTELLIGENT AND TALENTED INDIVIDUAL--”

“At giving blow jobs!”

“COME OVER TO THIS CELL AND SAY THAT, BITCH!”

A few more inmates decide to join in on the mud slinging, until it escalates into a full on verbal riot. It gets to the point that even Shizune, fully engrossed in her copy of the New York Times, can feel the vibrations from their shouts.

[What are the neanderthals going on about now?]

[The usual,] I reply back to her. [They’re still using those weird nicknames for each other. I doubt they can remember all of them, though. I think some of the guys are getting new ones daily.]

[What do they call you?]

[Well, they started calling me Snowflake yesterday. I haven’t answered them since then. I’m hoping they just think I’m dead and stop trying to talk to me.]
[An admirable goal. Let’s see how it plays--what is dad doing?]

What, indeed. He has his gorilla-like back turned away from us, but from what I can tell, he appears to be moving his arm back and forth really, really... fast? Oh, God.

“Dad, for Christ’s sake, it’s only been a few days, show some decency!”

“Would you shut up and let me concentrate?! I don’t even know how many feet of concrete I have left on this damnable wall, and I don’t want any distractions!”

“Oh... you’re digging?”

“Well of course I’m digging, what did you think I was doing?”

“Nothing in particular. What are you digging with, anyway?”

“I took out seven of my fillings and made them into a miniature pickax. Oh, and three of Misha’s.”

“Is that why she’s laying over there on the bed, all quiet like?”

Misha stirs a bit and smiles weakly at me with bleary eyes. “I’m glad I can be of use. Waha-oww...”

“Well, it’s good that you’re doing something, I suppose. But, you know they have cameras around here, right?”

Jigoro scoffs. “That’s just an urban legend!”

A red bulb snaps to life up above us, accompanied by a sharp crackling.

“No it isn’t. Also, we’ve installed an intense electrified security field another meter or so into the wall. It can bring down a bull elephant. We know, we tried it. We here at A.N.U.B.I.S spare no expense to make sure that you remain as miserable as possible during your stay. Good day. And fuck you.”

“Goddammit!” my father screams, about to kick the wall before backing out at the last second for fear of going the way of the bull elephant.

“Don’t we even get a trial?” Misha ponders. At least I think that’s what she said, it sounded more like “Don weder gebba trele?”

Without warning, all chatter in the cell block ceases instantaneously, like somebody hitting a light switch. The only sounds to be heard now are the dull thud of combat boots against concrete flooring, growing louder and louder with each passing second.

A great shadow envelops our entire cell, courtesy of the three black, tree like militants taking up the entire front wall of our cell.

“Are you enjoying your stay?” asks the largest man in the center, instantly recognizable as the General we met when we first arrived.

None of us work up the nerve to say or do anything, so he continues on.

“Now, I know being shipped off to our facility must have been an exhausting experience. I understand if you’re still anxious, or even a little frightened. So, I would like to cordially invite the four of you up to my private quarters later for... a buffet. My treat.”

Just the way he says that last sentence leads me to believe he has a very “creepy-uncle” like smile beneath that iron mask.

The three of them uniformly turn to leave, letting light back into our 8 by 10 foot concrete hell. Chatter slowly begins to pick up after everyone’s is completely confident that they’ve vacated the premises. It’s noticeably more hushed this time around, the voices of the inmates shaken and disturbed, as if they were all discussing a very depressing ghost story.

“Psst, hey, kid...”

“Dad,” I groan. “I thought we got out of the phase where you pretended to be a creepy drug peddler to teach me a lesson because I bought a Snickers bar from some ‘weird’ lady who smelled like lint when I was eight.”

“Son, that never happened! Unless it coincided with my alternative medicine phase I picked up after I was banned from my doctor for snipping coupons out of their magazines. Then I just don’t remember it.”

“No, dammit, down here! See that loose brick in the back left corner? Pull it.”

I do as the mysterious MacGruff impersonator tells me, and discover a chiseled out section of the wall that apparently has remained undiscovered for quite some time.

“Hidecchan, wait! You don’t know what may be down there!” Misha whispers harshly, her voice as shaky as the rest of the block’s occupants.

“What, you think a giant spider may crawl out and try to drag me in?”

“Oh my God, I didn’t even think about that! Put the brick back before they pick up our scent!”

“Misha, it’s not--OH SHIT A GIANT SPIDER!”

The four of us huddle in fear at the top of the bench as a bony, coal black creature emerges from the hole and begins spazzing wildly on the cell floor.

“I-It’s as big as a hand!” Misha points out, threatening to cut off circulation from my brain with every second she holds me in her hug of death. I’m concentrating too much on breathing to be scared.

“That’s because it is a hand, you idiots!” the raspy voice says angrily. “Come over here so I can talk to you, kid!”

Seeing as how nobody else has made a move towards the deceptively spider-like hand, I guess the task falls to me. I get down on all fours and peer keenly into the decidedly non glorious hole, overcome by the strong smell of what I suspect is urine, old magazines, and shame. A glassy, bloodshot eye snaps into my line of sight after a few seconds, surrounded by wrinkled folds reminiscent of a wet paper bag. The eye begins to blink rapidly.

“Who are you?” I ask.

“Not important.”

“Well, I’d like to know who I’m--”

“I couldn’t tell you even if I wanted to! I’ve been here so long, I can hardly remember a time when they called me something other than a stupid nickname.”

“How the hell long have these people been around?” I ask, both fearful and curious.

“Far longer than you think. I don’t remember much about anything before I came to this hellhole, but I remember when they first got me. Thought I was hot stuff, tried to set up my own satellite dish on top of my trailer. I was tired of having to pay to watch Big Valley! That should be a God-given right!”

“Uhh, yeah. So what happened?”

“They came by nightfall. All I remember was waking up in my bed, red eyes surrounding me, guns pointed at my head! Not a pleasant thing to wake up to, let me tell you...”

“I’ll bet. So they hauled you off here?”

“You bet your ass they did, kid. I suppose you could call me part of the first class. Back when I got here, people were more goodie two-shoes ‘bout paying their cable bill. Over time though, everyone got that attitude about them, same that I had. Why should I pay for shows I could easily watch online? Believe you me, this place started to fill up real quick...”

“So you’re telling me they just pick guys up in the middle of the night, and nobody notices? How? Don’t the families start to get suspicious?”

“They just tell them that they had outstanding warrants. You’d be surprised how easy people buy into shiny badges and a couple of smooth tongues.”

“I still don’t think I quite understand all of this,” I admit to him.

“It ain’t an easy thing to understand, kid. I still haven’t wrapped my head around what these guys are doing, and I’ve been here... well, I’ve been here a long time. But listen, and listen good. That big guy who struts around here? Acts like his balls swing two inches off the fuckin’ concrete? That ain’t just an act, kid. He’s the real deal, and he’s real dangerous.”

“That fact that he calls himself ‘The Devil’ kind of tipped me off.”

“If those screams we hear sometimes are any indication, that ain't just a fancy nickname. But, here’s what I called you over to tell you! Keep your ears pricked, ‘cause I can’t afford to repeat myself!”

I do as he requests, bringing my right ear closer to the opening. Meanwhile, my left eye watches carefully for any stray shadows that may wander in front of our cell.

“That shindig they just invited you to? The boys around here got another name for it. The Buffet of Cruelty.”

“Buffet?” I repeat back.

“Yeah, of cruelty.”

“Why do they--”

“Shh! Don't interrupt me! I told you, this is important! Now look, when some guys first arrive to this place, they ain’t as scared as A.N.U.B.I.S wants them to be. So, to straighten them out, the General takes them down to his ‘private chambers’ for a dinner party. Just replace ‘dinner’ with ‘horrific torture’ and party with whatever gory sound effect you’d like to think up.”

“Horrific torture Whargbleghbleghblegh?”

“... What was that?”

“Chainsaw going into a guy’s throat. From the cult classic Chainsaw Throat Man 2: Shut Your Mouth With A Chainsaw.”

“Must’ve missed that one. Anyway, what I need you to do, is--”

A shrill horn drowns us both out. I can hear footsteps approaching once again, echoing menacingly in tune with the ear-splitting noise.

“Kid, just remember! Look to the sky! Look to the sky!”

The eye disappears from my sight before I can ask him what he means. Shizune grabs me by the shoulder, pulling me onto the bench with only a second to spare.

“We heard talking in here? Do we need to get our lobotomy hooks out?”

We all shake our heads emphatically at the two guards. One of them opens the door remotely using some unseen device on his person.

“I hope you lot haven’t forgotten about that dinner date. Hope you’re hungry...”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[What did he tell you down there?]

Thankfully, our guards can’t appear to read sign language.

[He told me that this buffet is one final test to make us fall into place. I don’t want to worry you, but I think there’s a slight chance we may get tortured here...]

[Tch, these guys think they know about torture? I’ll school these fools, just watch me!]

[Oh my God, we’re about to be power drilled in the oculars and all you can think about is one-upsmanship, you fucking loon!]

[It’s what keeps the nerves in check. Now listen, I’ve been formulating a plan to get us out of this place.]

[Well hurry up and tell me, I think we’re almost there!]

[Stop looking at me all angrily and stuff, you’re--oh, peachy.]

[What?]

[I forgot my plan.]

[WHY THE--]

I slam into the back of one of our escorts, who has stopped abruptly in front of a grand wooden door. There are some gargoyles perched at each end. Charming.

“We’ve arrived, folks. Have a pleasant meal,” our guard tells us, with all the enthusiasm of a grave shift custodian at the local asylum.

The room’s interior stands in stark contrast to the rest of the cold and foreboding institution. It looks more like something Jackie Kennedy would show you on a tour of the White House.

The walls are a pleasant eggshell white, and finely polished antique furniture that would make Grandma Hakamichi scream in glee lay around the room. A obscenely long table acts as the centerpiece of this grand ballroom, with a delectable buffet dotting it from one end to the other. And at the front of this table, of course, is our host for the evening.

“Well, well. The newest members of our family, come to join us for a feast,” says the Admiral with his sharp intone.

He’s the only person in this room, so I’m not sure who “us” is. On an unrelated note, how is even going to eat with that mask on?

“Won’t you take a seat?” he asks us. We waste no time taking him up on his offer, making sure to keep at least three chairs between us so as to avoid blood spray.

“You’re excused, gentleman,” the Admiral tells the escort guards. On cue, they turn on their heels and exit the room, leaving just us and two foot soldiers stationed near the door.

“I would recommend the grilled shrimp, personally. It’s delectable... Are you not hungry? You haven’t even touched your utensils!”

Jigoro slams his fists onto the table, sending the unbolted items in the room all a’rattle. If that’s not a word, it should be.

“We’re not touching any of this food until you put us on the first plane back to Japan, you goddamn psychopath!”

His delivery would be much more poignant if not for the fact that Misha’s happily digging into her second bowl of Greek yogurt. Goddammit, Misha.

“You’re a rowdy one, aren’t you?” asks the Admiral.

“NEVER call me rowdy!” barks Jigoro. “This is the civil fury of a man, not some punk kid’s angsty bitching! Now, I don’t know what you’re the Admiral of, but--”

“Oh, Admiral isn't my title.”

“It isn't?”

“No, actually, it’s my name. Admiral Captain Brigadier General, Jr. My parents had... high expectations.”

“... Like I was saying, you’d have to be on crack or any similarly addictive drugs to think that I’m just going to sit here and take this!”

The admiral is now on his feet, his powered armored right hand hovering over a teacup on the table.

“Oh, believe me, you won’t be sitting for very long.”

At this convenient ad lib, he pushes aside the teacup and reveals a stark red button, which he wastes zero time pushing.

“Was that supposed to--AAAAAHHHHHHH!”

“OH SHIT, JIGORO!” Misha and I exclaim, while Shizune stares on wordlessly in shock.

There’s a spring under his seat. A spring that went off while he was in mid-monologue, sending him careening through the roof and off into the atmosphere. There’s some Scooby Doo shit going on in this place, and flying through the roof could just be the beginning of the end. What’s next, they hire inmates to dress as ghosts and break into our cells to beat us with tire irons? We need to escape, is what I’m getting at here.

“You know, I’ve done that at least a hundred times since I took over this place. Never gets old. Especially when it comes to loudmouths like that.”

I admit, I’ve sometimes fantasized about catapulting my father through a ceiling on occasion. Especially when he told me that “video game tester” wasn’t a viable career choice, and they usually get paid less than the fast food workers hired to clean up after the homeless guys shooting up in the bathroom.

“Jigocchan wasn't a loudmouth!” blurts Misha. “He was a gentle, kind soul who just happened to express himself through antagonistic outbursts and a false sense of machismo put up to shield his feelings from an abrasive and judgmental society! Now bring him back, you doo doo head!”

“Barring the fact that it would be physically impossible, I simply don’t want to. In fact, I find that I can’t eat unless I see at least one person fall for my traps! It helps my digestion.”

“Then you’ll have to send me flying through the air, because--!’

“Yeah, sure, if you want.”

“Wait, you didn’t let me FIIIINIIIIIIIIISSSHH!!”

A second hole appears in the ceiling seconds later, distinguished from the first one next to it by the drill shaped appendages on the side.

“Does anyone else want to test out my springs? I must warn you, I’ll probably just steal your dad’s credit card to pay for the ceiling repairs.”

[But that’s my Neiman Marcus money! That gaudy son a bitch isn't getting his hands on my Jimmy Choo suede pumps!]

[Actually, I am. They’ll look much better on me, quite frankly.]

[You speak sign?!]

[I speak everything.]

[Then you must know the sacred language... of the White Turtle Fist.]

An eerie silence encapsulates the entire room, the snowfall from up above adding a great deal of dramatic flair to the whole atmosphere. Well, it’s really just torn plaster from those two holes, but it looks like snow.

[White Turtle Fist... now there’s a name I have not heard in a while.]

[Then you’re a practitioner?]

[I’m a master.]

Shizune scoffs. [I think you’re all talk. I still don’t understand entirely what kind of operation you’re running, but trust me when I say, I’ve seen plenty of men like you.]

It’s the Admiral’s turn to scoff. [Oh really?]

[Indeed. You grew up inadequate, overshadowed by your peers. It left you with a complex; a small one at first, but it began to grow. Fester. Pretty soon you began to overcompensate for anything and everything. It’s not enough that you should succeed. Others should fail. It’s a trait I would admire, were it not coming from such a small, pathetic little man like you.]

“ENOUGH!”

Admiral tosses aside the entirety of the dining table, sending food and silverware flying to the walls. Ripping away his trenchcoat, he reveals a hardened physique with scars dotting along his bare chest and arms.

Shizune, for her part, looks to be unfazed by his display. In fact, she appears downright jovial.

[Did I hit a nerve?]

[... I may have overreacted. But don’t think this was a victory for you, girl. True, my father may have never given me the recognition I deserved, but I won in the end. I proved him wrong. When I began on my path to dominance, he was the first to witness my newfound strength and power. I brought his reign to and end... and began mine.]

[Ok,] I butt in. [Are we still talking about the cable business here?]

“DON’T BUTT IN!”

Grabbing a nearby china cabinet, he flings in my direction like a frisbee. Thinking quickly, my sister intercepts the flying decor and roundhouse kicks it into back at him. He deflects it in turn, shattering it with a powerful strike.

[Stay away from my brother! I’ll bring your precious reign to an end right now! Your White Turtle Fist is nothing compared to mine!]

[If it helped me to beat Clinton, it’ll help me to take you down, girl.]

The two opponents, a small deaf girl and a Killzone ripoff, extend their arms in gesture of defiance and begin their charge.

It’s a test of speed versus power. Shizune, knowing a single grab could mean a quick and still painful death, dances around her larger opponent like a leaf, landing in quick chops and kicks when the opportunity presents itself. Admiral, meanwhile, shatters the ground beneath him with bone-jarring punches and kicks with his tree trunk limbs. I’d pick up some food as a snack for the event, but it’s surely been on the floor for much longer than five seconds.

“You won’t be able to run forever!”

My sister ducks yet another blow and attempts to sweep at his legs. Unfortunately, her kick proves wholly ineffective against her much larger opponent. Taking the opening, Admiral grabs at both of her legs and brings her up to him, upside down and at arm’s length.

“SHIZUNE!” I cry.

“Unless you want the Hakamichi lineage to die out tonight, I suggest standing back!”

Shizune nods to me in confirmation, and manages one quick sign. [I’m alright. Stay back.]

As much as I want to help my sister, I know that meeting this monster of a man face to face would end horribly, for both of us. Swallowing my pride, I fall to my knees and avert my eyes.

“There’s a good boy... now how far do you think I can throw your sister from here?”

I snap my eyes back up to him. “But you said--!”

“When I said Hakamichi lineage, I meant you. Your sister, on the other hand, is an unruly one. Hard to break. More trouble than she’s worth. But you... I know you’ll be a good little prisoner.”

“I’ll be a good little FUCK YOU!”

“... What?”

“I-I don’t know, I’m under pressure right now, and I don’t know what to SNEAKATTACK!!”

Taking advantage of his momentary lapse in attention I rush in and begin swinging away with all my might. I don’t have any might, but it’s certainly proving a point right now, I’m sure.

“This is getting ridiculous,” sighs Admiral. With a swoop, he hoists me up like a caught rabbit, until I’m eye to eye with my sister.

[Are you FUCKING serious?]

[I tried to help you!]

[I EXPLICITLY told you--!]

[Yeah, well, sometimes you just have to do things on your own, alright sis?! For once, I finally stood up for myself, and damn if they weren’t the best five seconds of my life!]

[We're Both going to die now. You realize this, yes?]

[Probably... but I’m gonna die knowing I went out fighting. That’s pretty cool, right?]

[I... guess it is. Well, no, not really, but--]

[Shh, shh, don’t harsh my mellow.]

“Alright, you two, time to make another few holes in the--GAAAHH!!”

A hailstorm of gunfire and smoke erupts from behind us. Admiral tosses us to the floor and staggers forward, disoriented and vulnerable.

“WHO BROUGHT THAT ATTACK HELICOPTER IN HERE?!”

The aforementioned chopper hovers over the blown out wall, machine guns poised and ready to strike again.

“It’s just me... KENJI SATOU!”

Aww, shit!

The Pale Warrior flashes the two of us a thumbs up, throwing up a west side salute for good measure.

“DAMN YOU!” the Admiral roars. “WE'VE BEEN HUNTING YOU DOWN FOR SIX YEARS AND YOU JUST WALTZ IN HERE?! HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN?!”

“Kitchen entrance.”

“WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE KITCHEN ENTRANCE?!”

“Shit, man, I don’t know. That’s just the way it is. Things will never be the same...”

“ARE YOU SINGING THAT TUPAC SONG?!”

“Don’t judge me if you don’t even know me, homie! Now EAT MISSIIIIIILE!”

A rocket launches from beneath the chopper, targeted straight for Admiral’s chest. Rather than exploding and turning everything within a fifty radius into dust, however, it gets grabbed mere inches from it’s impact point. As he struggles to hold back the rocket,

“YOU THINK I’LL FALL TO YOU?! TO A MERE CABLE THIEF?!”

“I think you’ll fall to D.”

“D WHAT?”

“DEES... fuck, I forgot how it goes. Ah well. HEY, you two! You should probably get inside right about now!”

Taking each other by the shoulder, Shizune and I quickly limp to the waiting chopper, watching as Kenji produces an abnormally large magnum with matching sunglasses.

“This is for not bringing back Firefly,” he says coldly, before firing off a single round in the direction of the rocket.

The next moment, we’re ducking low behind the helicopter’s seats as the force of the rocket’s explosion shakes it.

“KENJI SATOU, KING OF ALL--”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“--THE WORLD!!”

Kenji remains still in our living room, blissfully unaware of the terribly awkward silence between us.

“Well, Kenji,” I begin. “When you said you wrote a fan fiction about us, I certainly didn't expect... that.”

“It was fuckin’ rad, right?! I showed it to some publishers earlier, but they just didn't understand the artistic flame that burns inside of me. I told them so when they were dragging me out.”

[We are never letting him inside of our house again,] Shizune signs to me. She’s actually only a few feet away from Kenji, but it’s doubtful he can even see her. He probably thinks she’s a lamp or something.

“Hey, btw, where’s Big J? I really want his opinion!”

“He, uh, had some stomach problems,” I tell him. In actuality, he left to go see if Kenji had smuggled any drugs into the house once he got to the part about a secret government base for cable thieves.

“Aww, real shame. I get the same thing whenever I drink dairy. Whoooaaa, speak of the devil, I feel something stirring around in there! If you’ll excuse me, I’ll be using your bathroom!”

He runs off before we can say anything. I’m secretly hoping he just climbs out through the bathroom window so nobody sees him leaving through the front door.

“Does anyone else feel... trapped?”

Even Misha is uncomfortable. That takes a special kind of weird.

“OK, new plan,” I tell everyone. “We leave the house, go around the block to that new Mexican food place that just opened up, hide there for a bit, and let Jigoro deal with Kenji. Sound good?”

With nary a moment's hesitation we grab our jackets and hustle out the door, visions of fajita nachos dancing though our heads. And so end’s the first, and last, time Kenji Satou visits the Hakamichi household.

[Mirage_GSM]

You know what the most unbelievable thing about this story is?

“It’s just me... KENJI SATOU!”

That Kenji married Akira

[OtakuNinja]

You know what the most unbelievable thing about this story is?

“It’s just me... KENJI SATOU!”

That Kenji married Akira

That's the only part about this chapter that I like.

[DanjaDoom]

You know what the most unbelievable thing about this story is?

“It’s just me... KENJI SATOU!”

That Kenji married Akira

I think that was the only part of the story that wasn't intentional, but since everyone so kindly pointed it out, I guess we'll just leave it there.

[Hoitash]

Well, that was awesome.

At Kenji's entrance, my shit, it was lost .

Oh and:

“This is for not bringing back Firefly,”

Excellent one-liner. Although now I feel bad for Kenji.

Guess he can always play cards with Hisao, or something.

...Wait, why are we assuming he married Akira in his fic? Isn't there another Satou sister?

[AntonSlavik020]

...Wait, why are we assuming he married Akira in his fic? Isn't there another Satou sister?

Yeah, but I can't imagine Lilly making the guy take her last name. She is too proper for that.

[DanjaDoom]

...Wait, why are we assuming he married Akira in his fic? Isn't there another Satou sister?

Yeah, but I can't imagine Lilly making the guy take her last name. She is too proper for that.

It's because Kenji has a hate boner for the blonde feminazi and secretly wants to wife her badly. Even if it means changing his last name This story will end with a three chapter battle between Kenji and Hideaki for mating rights. Maybe.

[Hoitash]

...Wait, why are we assuming he married Akira in his fic? Isn't there another Satou sister?

Yeah, but I can't imagine Lilly making the guy take her last name. She is too proper for that.

It's because Kenji has a hate boner for the blonde feminazi and secretly wants to wife her badly. Even if it means changing his last name This story will end with a three chapter battle between Kenji and Hideaki for mating rights. Maybe.

That... would be one of the best things to ever happen on whatever day it was posted.

[Silentcook]

"But it was all a dream fanfic!"

Oh come on. HONESTLY? That's really, really cheap. Extra penalty points for your leaving the fourth wall in such a sorry state (and possibly the first as well).