Evangelium [Hanako x Lilly's Bad End]

[Mirage_GSM]

I'm beginning to suspect that my initial diagnosis of "troll" was correct after all...

[Florentine]

LOL
Sorry, that is just the considered humor in the sites that I frequent to. Its natural for me to drag it with me. But thanks for making me realize that this language is unacceptable here before a misunderstanding can manifest

[BlackWaltzTheThird]

Look, I'll admit I was somewhat averse to reading this, after the nonsense that was that last topic of yours. However, I figured I'd give you the benefit of the doubt and read it anyway. I stopped after only a few lines. You said you only spent an hour on it, and it shows. Something of this quality might be appropriate for warming up to write a bigger piece, but at present that is not the case, and thus there is no excuse for submitting it unedited (or badly edited, if my presumption about the lack of proofreading is incorrect).

You ask for positive feedback, and yet that is all you have been given. One need not praise every second thing to be considered to be giving positive feedback. As was suggested to you in the last thread, you really need to work on your grammar, spelling and punctuation. I suspect English is not your first language (I do not recall whether you stated as such previously), so one cannot expect your writing to be god-tier right off the bat, but you should not expect to be given special consideration based on that.

All I can suggest to you is thus:

• -Write, and write often; you can't improve without practice. You need not submit everything, but you should at least analyse everything you do write.
  -Check, double check, and check again; you won't always pick up mistakes on the first pass. Put it away for a while and check again, and get another person to check it as well.
  -Read it out loud! Often the easiest way to tell if you have a poorly constructed sentence is to speak it aloud.
  -Do your research! Anything that you didn't invent should be researched in peer-reviewed journals before you write about it (and I stress the peer-reviewed part; Wikipedia and such is not a source!). No matter what it is. I was once pinged for referring to a shotgun as a rifle w/slug, which led to confusion about the goins on of the scene.
  -And for the love of god, don't rush it! It's much better to have something short, sweet, and well-thought-out than something lengthy and hastily put together.

That should be sufficient for now. I will expect to see great improvement by your next story post. Don't let me down, man.

[griffon8]

You have demonstrated improvement over your first story here. Please take the comments here to heart, and keep improving. Grammar, spelling, tenses, etc. are all important, even if you're doing a timed writing exercise.

My major issue with your take on the characters is that they are not at all supported by the VN. You say this is post Lilly's Bad End. In Lilly's path, Hanako became extremely independent, joining the Newspaper club and planning on going on a trip around Japan. Along with what we find out about Hanako in her own bad end, suicide is waaaaaay OOC.

The title reads kinda like Helium

For some reason when I read the title I thought this was a Katawa Shoujo x Neon Genesis Evangalion crossover.

That's what I thought too.

[Silentcook]

...this is my training for a writting contest a few months from now. Like any contests, it will be timed, and no one can use a dictionary. So...

Bold font added by me. I'm sorry to say that were I the judge of that contest, you'd be screwed. Your English would not keep me reading beyond the first line. If your contest requires that you write in English, you're in desperate need to use the few months you have to polish your mastery of it, never mind your style or content. Good luck.

[LordDarknus]

The title reads kinda like Helium

For some reason when I read the title I thought this was a Katawa Shoujo x Neon Genesis Evangalion crossover.

That's what I thought too.

...yeah

http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t=7262

[Dream]

But that isn't evangelion fanfiction either...