A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (completed)

[BlackWaltzTheThird]

To elaborate:

Scissorlips wrote:
Previous I First

To super-elaborate: please give the previous two/three chapters one more read-through.

Er, I don't get it. I think maybe one or both of us are misinterpreting the other's words. When I said about the milli-scene and the next chapter, I was referring to the brief Battleship scene at the end of Fly Away (Another Day) in I believe the student council room. "E7" to "...the girl at the other end of the wooden table." It seems disjointed at its present location. It feels like it should be the start of whatever chapter follows after this one. Unless there's some missing chapter that I somehow have not seen. I'm just very confused by your request to reread the previous chapters.

[Catgirl Kleptocracy]

Haven't had time to read this yet (totes excited to get on that!), but from Sciz's comment, I think that the absence of a "Next" link on his normal navigation section implies that that was the last chapter, or if not THE last chapter, at least a "potential end". I think he's implying you should read it as an ending, not a cliffhanger.

[YourFavAnon]

I'm going to go ahead and assume this was the neutral ending to the route. Certainly was resolved in a very odd way...

[Doomish]

To elaborate:

Scissorlips wrote:
Previous I First

To super-elaborate: please give the previous two/three chapters one more read-through.

Er, I don't get it. I think maybe one or both of us are misinterpreting the other's words. When I said about the milli-scene and the next chapter, I was referring to the brief Battleship scene at the end of Fly Away (Another Day) in I believe the student council room. "E7" to "...the girl at the other end of the wooden table." It seems disjointed at its present location. It feels like it should be the start of whatever chapter follows after this one. Unless there's some missing chapter that I somehow have not seen. I'm just very confused by your request to reread the previous chapters.

The last lines of the latest chapter are the opening lines of the very first chapter of the story. That was the neutral end. There being no "Next" just like in the bad end means there's nothing after it.

Which I enjoyed as always, by the way! I don't think a story's length is ever really determinate of its quality, but to be honest I'm kind of glad it's as long as it is. It means more to read through, sure, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

[BlackWaltzTheThird]

The last lines of the latest chapter are the opening lines of the very first chapter of the story. That was the neutral end. There being no "Next" just like in the bad end means there's nothing after it.

Which I enjoyed as always, by the way! I don't think a story's length is ever really determinate of its quality, but to be honest I'm kind of glad it's as long as it is. It means more to read through, sure, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Oh. Ooooooooh. Man, it's been so long since I read that chapter that I had totally forgotten. Also, the lack of a credits sequence makes it harder to notice. The lack of a next link is a rather subtle thing to pick up on. As a whole I'm not being particularly observant today, if I may echo Hisao in A Private Lunch. Also I've been drinking.

[Doomish]

I spoke to Scissorlips about this in private so he's already heard me say this, but one of the hardest parts of writing a route in text format is having multiple endings, because unless you explicity state "this is the end of this branch" there are sure to be people who don't pick up on it and still wonder what's coming next. That's not a problem with the reader per se, just a problem with the format of novel writing compared to VNs in general. The unfortunate part is that there IS no good way to explicitly state "this is the end of this branch" without author notes at the end of the chapter or a specific END OF RINE, RINE ENDS HERE. So, I can sympathize with Scissorlips getting frustrated with the neutral ending not coming across as, y'know, an ending, because there isn't really a way to state that it is one without being too upfront about it.

[YourFavAnon]

The last lines of the latest chapter are the opening lines of the very first chapter of the story. That was the neutral end. There being no "Next" just like in the bad end means there's nothing after it.

Which I enjoyed as always, by the way! I don't think a story's length is ever really determinate of its quality, but to be honest I'm kind of glad it's as long as it is. It means more to read through, sure, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Christ, I had forgotten all about those first few lines. Definitely makes a little bit more sense for a neutral ending though, that's for sure. Sort of just shows that she didn't get any worse with her problems, but none of them were really solved in the end either, resulting in a net change of zero.

Just one big loop, I suppose. Pretty interesting to think of it like that.

[Sev'risk'avina]

That picture is great.

As for the ending, I think I read something the creator of Homestuck said about how a continuous story changes based on how it's read. That is, if it is read from beginning to end as the content is released, or in large chunks. And if I recall correctly his point was things that seem overbearing when read as a large chunk seem less so episodically, because while there is a larger plot at work each release must also be entertaining.

My point is that this also affects stories such as this, because of how they are released (and written). This is a rather poorly formatted argument here, because I didn't feel the need to comment initially after reading the last two updates as they more then satisfied my habit (yuk yuk). After reading the comments post later however this popped into my head. What I'm poorly saying here is that this branch of the story probably looks very different and is easy to discern when read as part of the whole. Catching it episodically (and relying on memory for the rest of the story, and not catching what Doomish pointed out about the last lines) changes our perspective.

I... think that got my point across. This entire post was written between me tabbing furiously between next months bills and how I'm going to pay them, so it may be... disjointed. Especially since there is nothing here actually regarding the story, so, sorry Scissor. One of my wall-of-text-of-thoughts-posts this is not (although it is still pretty long... oops).

[Zaranell]

I TOLD YOU GUYS WE SHOULD HAVE GONE AFTER KENJI
I TOLD YOU, BUT Y'ALL WOULDN'T LISTEN

Joking aside, I like how it turned out, as far as neutral ends go (assuming that's what it was). Having the story basically come full circle, as YFA mentioned, was an interesting way of doing it. I'll admit, since I didn't realize it was just one of the possible endings, my heart sank when Suzu didn't get on the bus. I thought the story was suddenly going to get a lot worse before it got any better. Tone-wise, mind you, not quality-wise.

[Daitengu]

Dat ending. Melancholic, and sadness. It feels very realistic. The battleship ending is quite a good metaphor for the cycles or fear and depression. So much so that I can imagine it being harder to break out of a second time around, as there are other guilts and regrets added on top.

It very much seemed like a 'hero's journey' but with the hero failing at the last moment. Kinda like walking the US from east to west and giving up at the Rocky mountains.

This ending felt like the most likely of the two presented so far. Though it surprised me that she went to Shizune instead of curling up in despair in her room.


Random thought: I wonder if Lazard would rub salt into Hisao's wound.

[Sev'risk'avina]

Though it surprised me that she went to Shizune instead of curling up in despair in her room.

Now that got me thinking. I would probably say that she felt the need to be around someone (or more than one) but felt that her friends would be too much for her to handle. They would know she wasn't A-okay, and maybe even why, and she didn't want to face their sympathy or sorrow on top of her own feelings. Her recent connection to Shizune/Misha is about the only option left to her outside of room sulking, and she probably would feel suffocated in her room brooding.

Bam, a reason for the trip and some small incite into her character? Or just an explanation for a plot device? YOU DECIDE!

[Daitengu]

Perhaps, but given the context of Shizune in the story I have a hard time seeing Suzu thinking Shizune would put up with her. Desperation is an amazing thing sometimes, so hmmm, maybe.

[Helbereth]

Perhaps, but given the context of Shizune in the story I have a hard time seeing Suzu thinking Shizune would put up with her. Desperation is an amazing thing sometimes, so hmmm, maybe.

If you noticed in the final scene as they're leaving the Student Council room, Suzu is realizing Shizune isn't quite so terrible. That, along with the previously stated fact that her other options would be sympathetic friends or retreating to her room, leaves the option of seeking solace among relatively neutral people seeming perfectly logical.

There's probably a dark corner of Suzu's mind that knows her despair can result in potentially dangerous waking nightmares and being alone would just exacerbate those feelings. If that were to happen, she knows she's better off having someone around to stop her from hurting herself by climbing out a window or falling off the roof. In the earlier ending, she sunk into depression and hid, which led to the Seiji ending. For it to be a truly neutral end, it has to land on ground somewhere between accidental suicide and the as yet unwritten 'good' ending.

Having had time to think about how the story has been proceeding, I think it's safe to say the 'good' ending will probably be one of two things: either a completely amazing, heartfelt end to a very long trial, or a literary disaster that can't live up to the other two endings.

Time will tell.

No pressure, Scissorlips.

[Scissorlips]

That picture is great.

Yeah, it's one of my favorites as well, I wish I could use it more often.

As for the ending, I think I read something the creator of Homestuck said about how a continuous story changes based on how it's read. That is, if it is read from beginning to end as the content is released, or in large chunks. And if I recall correctly his point was things that seem overbearing when read as a large chunk seem less so episodically, because while there is a larger plot at work each release must also be entertaining.

My point is that this also affects stories such as this, because of how they are released (and written). This is a rather poorly formatted argument here, because I didn't feel the need to comment initially after reading the last two updates as they more then satisfied my habit (yuk yuk). After reading the comments post later however this popped into my head. What I'm poorly saying here is that this branch of the story probably looks very different and is easy to discern when read as part of the whole. Catching it episodically (and relying on memory for the rest of the story, and not catching what Doomish pointed out about the last lines) changes our perspective.

I... think that got my point across. This entire post was written between me tabbing furiously between next months bills and how I'm going to pay them, so it may be... disjointed. Especially since there is nothing here actually regarding the story, so, sorry Scissor. One of my wall-of-text-of-thoughts-posts this is not (although it is still pretty long... oops).

I do understand that. There have been many times when the episodic nature of releasing chapters has forced me to do things that wouldn't be necessary in one large story released at one time. That's one of the reasons I waited to release both those chapters at once, because sometimes it's harder to see where the story is going or it just flows better that way. It's just something that can be a little restricting at times.

Time will tell.

No pressure, Scissorlips.

Yep.

I... feel like I should say something here, but I can't quite think of anything to say. With this we round the last corner and begin the last story branch, so... thanks for coming this far with me. It's been a ride.

Ha, I remember what I was going to say. Doomish was kind enough to provide some arts for the last chapter / neutral end, so feel free to go back and look if you're inclined to do so. For now though, the good end awaits in the distance. Probably.

[Scissorlips]

Ask Your Friends


[>Go after him.]


This could. Uh. This could be bad.

I bite my lip, already feeling anxiety begin to simmer or, or bubble in my chest. One of those. Both of those. But I take one more look at Hisao’s door.

I could get him, ask him to help chase after Kenji. But with every moment that passes, our local feminist hunter gets further away, and maybe he has secret tunnels around every corner? Maybe he actually knows I’m here, and he’s planning on bolting for it the moment he gets out of view?

Is he that clever? Or observant? I don’t know. Maybe he knows that I know that he knows. ...That I... don’t know that... he knows.

Well.

Either way. I don’t think I have time to drag Hisao out of his room, and going after Kenji by myself could be dangerous, but...

...Yuuko. Yuuko said I need to have courage. And, and Lezard, I couldn’t fix things with him. I wanted to, I tried, but I just couldn’t.

I want to fix things between Hisao and Kenji. I want to, to give back, for everything Hisao has done for me.

So I’m going to swallow my fear. I’m... I’m going to take a step forward. There. Just like that. Easy as pie, although I don’t know what’s particularly easy about pie. Eating it, I guess? But I can worry about that later. For now, I’m going to put my body in motion. I’m going to take another step.

And then I’m going to do this.


Kenji isn’t moving very fast, and he certainly isn’t going in a straight line. He continues to mutter to himself as he waddles down the hallway, I try to put my spy training to good use before remembering that I don’t technically have any of that. Spy training. I, I dreamed that last week, and for a while it stuck and it was actually pretty cool. Now though, I’m just trying to stay on his tail and find something to duck behind whenever he glances over his shoulder. A corner, an open door, a strategically placed student--hi, Akio--all of these do the trick.

My chase eventually leads me through the doors of the boys’ dorms and out into a cool, windy afternoon. I have no idea where Kenji is headed to now, but I don’t mind the fresh air at all, it’s... it’s helping me wake up. Yeah. I pause for a yawn break, then we’re off again.

If I had to guess, I would have expected Kenji to move towards the main building, or to the front gate and down the hill. But he doesn’t do either, he loops around the side of the dorm building until he reaches the wall behind it, where he staggers through a black iron gate that stands open. There’s a trail and a park back there, students use it all the time to relax or for, um. Other things.

We still have a few hours left until sunset, and I guess I have my phone if anything happens and I need to send a distress signal. I keep after Kenji but he veers off the beaten path almost immediately, soon we’re headed into the forest.

I don’t really mind this place. It’s true that I don’t get out much, and my room is a lot comfier and nicer than just about anywhere else on campus. But having grown up closer to the countryside, I know that it’s nice to get some fresh air sometimes.

...I don’t quite think that’s what Kenji’s after, though. He looked pretty intoxicated before but his steps seem to grow lighter as he makes his way through the trees, he stops and raps on a few them with his knuckles as if recalling a secret route. Luckily there’s just enough grass beneath our feet to muffle my footsteps, I remember that much from the ninja training that I never got. Or is that common sense?

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t starting to get nervous again by this point. We’re so far into the woods now that I don’t know if I would be able to find my way out by myself, and getting lost in here and, and fighting off bears does not appeal to me in the least. What would I do if I ran into a bear here? Play dead. Yup, yup that would probably be my only option. Even if my knee is almost healed by now, running for my life through the wilderness does not sound like a good way to spend an evening. Or a morning or, or especially not a night. No. Count me--where’s Kenji?

A quick glance around reveals only trees and other normal, earthy things. Trees and tree accessories. But I can see the sunlight filtering through a thick cluster of greenery ahead, so there must be a clearing or something. I take a few steps, straining my ears to pick up any sign of Kenji or bears. Pushing past the trees reveals a wide, open space, and it’s there that I see the familiar green blazer and pants, the mop of black hair and the unmistakable scarf. Kenji stands with his back to me, arms folded across his chest. The clearing ends in a sheer drop, it’s like a cliff, and Kenji is planted firmly at the edge, staring across the horizon.

The sun is hanging low in the sky now, the space above is tinged with orange and the view before me just opens up, below us I can see the entire town that rests at the bottom of the hill. A few more quiet, careful steps and I can even make out the Shanghai from here.

Kenji stands in front of it all, the whole world laid out before him. Suddenly the wind picks up, it blows his hair back and forth and causes his scarf to trail to one side. He... it’s weird. It’s, it’s dumb, but...

...He kind of looks like a superhero.

I knew it was a good idea to go after him.

As if sensing my presence, Kenji turns. He juts his chin in the air, the sun streams down from behind him and my jaw almost drops open, this is... this is so cool. He opens his mouth...

...then shuts it, shrugs and turns back around.

Just how blind is he?

I don't know if I should call to him or, or shout, what if he freaks out and falls off the cliff? But a few more cautious steps reveal that it's not much of a cliff at all, there's only a drop of a few feet before the ledge turns into a gently sloping hill.

I... I wonder if he even knows that?

“This is my sacred place, fem--hic--feminist.” Kenji calls. I stop in my tracks.

“If you let me go, will you have to kill me again?” I mumble, recalling that day in his room. Kenji starts, he whirls around, leans forward and faces me with a look of complete panic.

“Aaaaaaaaahh!” He shrieks, but I just raise my hands with my palms towards me in a shrug and grit my teeth.

“You didn't think I was here?!” I shout back. “Were you talking to yourself?!”

“It's a necessary precaution! Haven't you ever heard of six sigma techniques?!” He practically screams, one hand firmly clutching his bottle and the other balled into a fist.

Why are we still yelling? “No, but it sounds cool!”

“It is!” He replies, before finally calming down and standing up straight. Kenji pats his jacket in several places as if looking for another drink before remembering that he's still holding one.

“God damn.” He gripes, frowning deeply. “If you're going to kill a man, just do it, don't open your mouth first to blab. The last thing he needs to know is that his assassin is an amateur.”

An... an amateur? He's lucky I'm awake right now, or else he'd be getting a face full of falling spike attack. But still. Either way, I’m not here to fight.

I’m not here to fight at all, I’m... what’s that thing a dove has in its beak? An olive branch, right? And that’s a symbol of peace. But I don’t even know what an olive tree looks like, and I really doubt I’d find one here and, even if I did, Kenji probably wouldn’t even be able to see the gesture.

Somehow, the thought makes me sad.

“Why is this your sacred place?” I ask, trying to pick up where I left off. Where... where did I leave off? Did I even begin in the first place?

“If I told you, I'd have to--” Either Kenji manages to actually see the frown on my face or he remembers himself, but either way, he stops. “Right.”

He hiccups again before turning to gesture toward the cliff that isn't a cliff but still has a nice view.

“This spot isn’t on any maps, not even satellite ones. And the path from the grounds is unpassable to anyone who hasn’t spent months memorizing every detail, every twist and turn. For a single wrong step could lead to...” He trails off dramatically. Nothing happens for several long moments until I realize that he’s waiting for me to finish his thought. Much, much easier said than done.

I shrug. “Death?”

He nods. “That was the plan, but I was hoping for intense discomfort at the very least.” Kenji squints at me. “Are you discomforted?”

“Yes.” I am with him looking at me like that, anyway. He gives a satisfied smile.

“That’ll do for now.” I expect him to be paranoid and scowling again, but Kenji looks positively chipper. Maybe it’s the alcohol?

“This is where I come to remember what’s important!” He says, turning back to the vast horizon. He throws both his arms out as if baring himself to the world, bottle still clutched in one hand. I get the feeling that I'm lucky he's fully clothed for this, but something is, something is clicking with me, somehow. For some reason, I find myself leaning forward, watching him intently.

“This is where I see it all!” Kenji cries. He glances back at me for a moment and his face is actually filled with joy, I have no idea what’s going on but my hands are clasped before my chest now, his excitement is infectious. And also dumb.

“I can see them! There! And there and there!” Kenji shouts, looking back at the horizon. “The survivors are all there, men and women and children and they’re cheering, they’re chanting!”

“Yeah!” I chip in, unable to help myself. Then, “Chanting what?”

“Kenji! Kenji! Kenji!” Kenji screams, pumping his fists in the air. “Hero of the great feminist war! Savior of mankind! Patron saint of... of...”

“Microwave dinners?” I offer weakly, walking up to stand next to him.

“Why the fuck not MICROWAVE DINNERS!” He resumes with full force. “I come here to gather my strength, to clear my head and tell those feminist bitches to go to hell!”

Oh my god yes. This is so stupid but I can’t help it, I’m getting pumped up. I... I can get motivated to this.

“GO TO HELL, FEMINISTS!” Kenji screams to the world. Then he glances at me. He’s wearing an expectant smile, he’s bobbing his head up and down.

“Oh no.” I shake my head, there’s no way. I mean what if someone--

Kenji wilts, his expression beginning to crack and crumble. He doesn't look hurt or betrayed or suspicious, instead he just looks tired, as tired as I feel, and I...

...I can’t believe I’m doing this.

I close my eyes, feeling my face begin to burn as I turn back to the cliff, hill, whatever. “Go to hell, feminists!”

I open one eye to see Kenji beaming at me, somehow the sight feels... good. Great. Inspiring.

“GO TO HELL, FEMINISTS!” He repeats, hurling his bottle for good measure.

“Well I don’t think that was necessarGO TO HELL FEMINISTS!”

Someone could hear me. Hell, someone could SEE me, what if some of the old people down the hill have telescopes or, or, or binoculars? But...

Kenji can’t see very much at all. How does he know there aren’t snipers watching him right now? How does he do anything with eyes like that, much less his crazy antics?

I would be terrified if I was blind, or close to it.

“ADRIIIIIAAAAAAAN!” Kenji screams, and then he falls backwards. He falls right on his butt, laughing and grinning and... and looking at me, or in my direction anyway.

The look on his face...

I sink down to the grass as well, my body is exhausted but my soul is on fire! Or... or something like that.

“You said, you said there were both men and women in the crowd?” I ask, resisting the urge to flop down on my back. Manly shouting is not my forte but I don’t think he would hold that against me, being a girl and all.

“That’s goddamn right.” Kenji pants, his face red and flushed and joyful. “They’ll all be there. Wait till you see the statue.”

“I thought you hated women, though?”

“What?” He’s back to scowling at me again. “Who told you that? Who's been feeding you misinformation?”

I open my mouth to reply but he goes on before I can.

“There's a difference between feminists and women. Feminists are evil. Women are the second most important people in the world, right after men! If we didn't have women, where would reinforcements come from?!”

I... what? I dunno. “Storks?” I ask limply, unsure if I want him to see my uneasy expression or not. Kenji continues to frown.

“That's the backup plan.” He says. “Have you ever met a stork? I knew one once and he was a total bastard. Or maybe a duck.”

“Still. Where would we be without women? Up shit-creek without a paddle! Dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!”

Hysteria is... hysteria is right. But still, I’m glad to see that I’ve misjudged him, about some things at least. Some other things though, I was right. I was spot on.

“Kenji, let’s go back.” I stagger to my feet. “It will be dark before too much longer. And, uh... and what if your secret trail stands out with night vision goggles?”

“I tried that.” He mutters, but he gets up with only a little difficulty. “I wore my goggles last week and they didn’t do a goddamn--”

My phone is ringing in my pocket. I usually keep the volume up pretty high in case what I’m receiving actually is a wake-up call, so it silences the boy next to me right away. One glance at the number and I’m tempted to hand the phone to Kenji, but I decide to hold out just a little bit longer and press the button to receive the call myself.

“I’m fine.” I say, trying to keep my voice bright even though I feel so worn out by now.

“Hey Suzu, are you--oh.”

Kenji is peering around like a horse just waiting for a reason to spook, so I decide to keep this quick. I’ll need the patron saint of microwave dinners to help me get through the woods and back to the dorms in one piece.

“Sorry, something um. Something happened. Nothing bad though! I’ll be there soon.”

“Okay.” Hisao replies. I can tell he’s frowning on the other end, but his tone says ‘I’m trusting you on this’. I maybe... I mean, I might kind of know that tone pretty well by now.

“See you in a bit.”

“Smoke me a kipper, I’ll be back for breakfast.” Kenji adds, leaning towards the receiver.

“Who was that? Was that Kenj--”

“See you in a bit!”

Beep.



“This won’t work.” Kenji mutters as we walk through the halls of the boys' dorms. He’s still stumbling a little, it turns out that Kenji sucks at throwing and I was able to retrieve his bottle. When I told him about my plan he'd pleaded for some liquid courage, and the last time I laid sight on alcohol before today had been... well. It had been Miki's idea. That's the story I'm sticking with.

“It will, it will.” I reply, continuing to walk next to him as we head towards Hisao’s room. Making up with someone can be hard, I know it can be scary, but...

Hisao isn't angry anymore, even if he won't admit it. Hisao will accept his apology, he'll have a friend again and he’ll go back to griping and complaining about his floormate but he won’t mean it. Most of it. And Kenji, Kenji will have someone to talk to, a shoulder to lean on, even if he’s only going to use it to rant about his theories and suspicions. And he won’t look at me like that, he won’t look at anyone like that, so overjoyed and grateful, just to have someone to talk with. Just to have someone who will listen.

No. No, I know Hisao is going to be happy to see us, to see both of us. We’re at his door, Kenji looks like he wants to bolt but I reach up and knock before stepping back and out of sight.

“Go to hell, feminists.” I whisper.

The door swings open.

“There you...” Hisao trails off. He doesn’t pick back up.

“Hey dude.” Kenji flashes a nervous, toothy grin. He glances left and right but isn’t able to give away my position, he doesn’t see me even though I’m pressed to the wall right beside Hisao’s door frame.

Kenji hiccups. His face is red and his bottle is empty by now, tucked into the inside pocket of his jacket. He begins before Hisao can say something to stop him, he launches into a speech and it involves puppets and globes and maps but somewhere along the line he says that he was wrong. He says that he’s sorry he called me a feminist and he’s sorry he kidnapped me and that he’s just really damn sorry.

“So what do you say?” He finishes at last, resting one hand in his pocket but still wearing an uncomfortable, uneasy smile. “Allies? Comrades?”

“Friends!” I whisper, just loud enough not to fool anyone. From his doorway, I hear Hisao snort. He lets out a long and weary sigh--come on Hisao, I know you want to see the puppets just as much as I do--but then I see him extend his hand forward.

“Friends.” He says, sounding like he hopes he won’t regret it.

Kenji squints for a moment before smiling widely, he takes the hand and pumps it up and down with force. And then he blacks out, teetering sideways and collapsing onto the floor. With force.

“So that’s what too much whiskey will do.” I mumble, stepping sideways and into view. “Do I look like that when I pass out?”

“This was your idea, was it?” Hisao raises an eyebrow at me, but he’s smiling. And I’m smiling back, I nod, a blush creeping into my face.

I open my mouth but don’t quite know what to say. Things are getting stressful these days, Hisao. I’m, I’m uneasy and things are keeping me uneasy but I did it. I did something for you, I fixed this. Even if the body burns, the heart never dies, right? Or something along those lines?

“Here.” Hisao is still smiling--that smile, that smile--as he reaches back and produces a uniform jacket. It must be a spare because he’s already wearing his, I guess he’s kind of in a hurry. And I, uh, I guess I was supposed to be here an hour ago.

“Are we going somewhere?” I ask as I slip my arms into the jacket. It's a little big, but it’s thick and warm. Plus, it smells like him and and that’s, that’s nice. He smells nice.

“We were.” He replies teasingly, flipping off his light and stepping through the door to close it behind him. He glances over and down at Kenji, then back at me.

I shrug. “You’re supposed to turn them on their side. I think.”

“Do I want to know why?” He grimaces, but he kneels down to flip the unconscious student over, positioning his arms so he'll stay that way.

“No sir, you do not.” I wink. Hisao doesn’t look even remotely reassured, but he decides not to inquire any further, at least for now. I guess he really does want to be somewhere. We check Kenji one more time to make sure he’ll be okay and then we’re walking, we’re outside. And then we’re slumping and tripping and crumbling, or, no, that’s... that’s just me. We’re barely past the dorms but I feel myself pitching forward, suddenly completely exhausted and far too tired to care.

“Hey, hey.” I feel a pair of arms grab me just in time, pull me back and hold me close and upright. “I’ve got you.”

When I don’t manage a response, I feel Hisao shift, he puts one hand under my knees and the other around my back, scooping me up in his arms before continuing forward. I try to crack my eyes open to resist, to tell him that he doesn’t need to carry me or at least make sure I don’t look like Kenji right now but every time I open my mouth he shushes me. I'm only able to make a few attempts at it anyway, I'm gone before we even reach the gates, and the next thing I know, Hisao is setting me down again and gently shaking me awake. The... the first thing that comes to mind is how I can think of better ways to wake up, like maybe to a kiss or, or something like that. But that will have to wait I guess, I can hear other people, it sounds like we’re inside and there’s a familiar voice asking us to follow her, hello, Yuuko.

I’m blinking and wiping my eyes but Hisao is taking my hand, leading me past tables and chairs, we’re in the Shanghai all right. We reach a booth, and it’s... it’s one that’s already occupied.

“Sorry we’re late.” Hisao says to the man who sits nursing a mug of coffee. Mutou looks up and gives him, gives us one of his crooked smiles, although there’s a flash of annoyance thrown in there as well. Hisao moves to sit across from him and then reaches to tug on my sleeve until I do the same. My body still feels heavy as I comply but I'm... I'm awake now. I think.

“Nakai. Suzuki.” Our teacher says flatly, giving each of us a nod. “Good evening.”

I guess it really is evening by now. I respond with an uneasy wave before turning to look out the window, the sun has dropped out of view and the sky is murky, it's growing dark and cloudy. That’s totally not an omen or anything.

This sounds like an ambush. This looks like an ambush. But my gaze flickers to Hisao, to his careful expression and the real, heartfelt smile that still lingers on his face. This was his idea, I know it, but I manage to smile back before Yuuko arrives to take our order.

The lack of menus surprises no one, but Hisao makes a vague request for a sandwich and a drink and I ask for some coffee along with something delicious and sweet. Something cake-ish. Maybe even cake itself, that sounds like the most cake-ly thing I can imagine right now and I get the feeling that I'm going to need some sugar for this. Mutou asks for another refill on his coffee.

Even our only slightly unspecific order seems a little daunting to our librarian turned waitress, but she bobs her head up and down before disappearing into the kitchen. Mutou clears his throat. He’s clearly a little impatient, I have to wonder just how long he’s been waiting for us. For me? Why, why am I here?

“Did I do something?” I mumble. This is the weirdest parent-teacher conference I’ve ever sat in on. No parents, for one. Unless they’re hiding behind something. I bite my lip and steal a peek over my shoulder but Mutou clears his throat again.

This is totally an ambush.

Our teacher looks like he desperately needs a cigarette, but he trades glances with the boy next to me before beginning.

“Suzuki.” He says, controlling his expression and tone a little too obviously. “You're the only third year left who hasn't turned in their career survey by now. And the school knows that deciding on a path for your future is easier for some students than others.”

So that’s what this is about. I guess I, I did do something. Or I didn’t, and that’s the problem.

The career survey. It was waiting for me when I got back from summer break, but Mutou either forgot to hound me about it or was too busy getting us back into the swing of things. Until now, I guess.

“Right.” I say quietly, trying hard not to let my gaze sink to the table. I’m really not good with things like this, talk like this.

I manage to look Mutou in the eye as he continues, wearing one of his awkward but well-meaning smiles. “Graduation is on the horizon, Suzuki, and you need to start thinking seriously about things like this. But there are options. There are things you can do to help you prepare.”

I nod but I’m, I’m not really feeling it. I’ve heard this speech before, I’ve heard it all before and it doesn’t help me, it doesn’t make me feel any less nervous. It doesn’t stop my gut from beginning to tense and twist and sink. I am, I’m already sinking, but...

Underneath the table and out of sight, I move my hand until it bumps against Hisao’s leg. A few more bumps and he reaches to take my hand in his, he gives me a gentle squeeze and I squeeze back. Solid ground.

Mutou produces a folded piece of paper from his pocket just as Yuuko arrives with our drinks, we mutter our thanks but then it’s back to business. Ambush business.

“There's a school nearby that administers practice college entrance exams.” My teacher says, pushing the flier across the table and towards me. I blink and pick it up with my free hand, there’s... so this isn’t just another college brochure? Just another “you need to prepare for your future” talk? And is that better, or worse?

“The next test is coming up in a few weeks.” Hisao adds. I turn, he’s watching me closely, still holding my hand. I blink at him too.

Mutou’s voice causes me to tear my gaze away. “The school is very highly rated.” He says. “Yamaku students can register for a special price, and the test is a good way to see how you'll measure up to the real thing. Nakai here has already signed up.”

“He... he has, has he?” I steal one more glance at the boy sitting next to me, Hisao’s mouth is smiling, but his eyes aren’t. They’re narrowed. In concern? In apprehension?

What’s wrong?

Now seems like a good time to look at the brochure that I’m holding so I peer at the cover and begin to read. The name of the school rings a bell, something about this is familiar. I was nervous before but now my heart is thumping in my chest, even Mutou is watching me like he’s waiting for something to happen, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I swallow hard as I continue to look over the first page of the pamphlet. It's just the usual stuff about “academic excellence” and “integrity” until I get to the address printed at the bottom. Then, then it happens. Then the other shoe drops.

I gently set the brochure down. My hand may or... may not be shaking a little but I pick up my coffee and take a long and loud sip. They're still looking at me. Another sip, a gulp, suddenly my coffee is gone.

I blink, glance around once or twice at everything but the boy next to me and the man sitting across the table. I slowly reach over, pursing my lips as I grasp Hisao's cup and pull it towards me. I take a long sip from this one too, tea or, or something.

So that’s it.

That’s what they were afraid of or waiting for, and that’s why the school sounded familiar. It’s in a city nearby, it's in a place that’s only a bus ride away.

The last place I ever went with my brother.

“Suzu?” I feel the hand holding mine give another squeeze.

“G-go...” I mumble under my breath, my eyes glued to murky surface of the drink in front of me.

I haven’t been back there since that day. I’ve been to other places, other cities and that was always... always hard, always difficult. Just the thought, the possibility of going back and reliving or repeating that day terrifies me, but I remember earlier today. I remember standing on a ledge that wasn’t a ledge, shouting to the whole world that stretched before me. Standing next to someone who couldn’t see much of anything at all, and he wasn’t afraid.

There, at the very edge of the horizon and just barely visible, the sunlight was reflecting off the windows of skyscrapers. Office buildings, shopping centers and below them there was hard concrete. The city. That city. The place I saw in my nightmares, every night for months.

Kenji couldn’t even see it, but he wasn’t afraid. The boy sitting next to me could die with a single stroke of bad luck, but he... he isn’t afraid.

“Suzu.” Hisao is letting go of my hand.

“Go to hell, feminists.” I whisper.

I look up, I look at Hisao. He’d been reaching to touch my shoulder but he stops as I stare right into his eyes.

Hisao, you know I'm scared of that place.

You know I'm scared of graduation, of whatever comes after that. I still can't see much of anything in my future and that’s, that’s paralyzing, it’s daunting. I don't know what I want or what to expect or what to do and how to do it.

But I know one thing.

I know one thing that I want to be there. I know one thing I don't want to lose, never want to lose, and I'm looking right at it.

I'm looking right at you.

“It's just a practice test, right?” I ask, managing the smallest, the tiniest smile even though my body feels cold, even though my back is tensing up.

“That’s right.” He replies, a warm, relieved smile spreading across his face. “It's not a big deal if you do badly. Nothing will happen if you fail.”

“And you’ll be--”

“I’ll be right there. I’ll be with you every step of the way.” He says softly, his gaze locked into mine.

“Good.” My smile widens, but my lips are trembling a little, my eyes are burning, just a little.

Hisao you, you think this will help me? You think doing this will give me an idea what to expect, it will show me that it’s doable and that I can do this, that--

Ignoring our teacher on the other side of the table, Hisao slides closer to me. He links his arm in mine, he takes my hand again and I don’t resist for a single moment, the thought doesn’t even cross my mind.

“I know this is asking a lot, Suzu.” He whispers, now right beside me, his presence warm and comforting against the cold that still sits inside my chest. “And I know this won't be easy for you. But please come with me.”

You want to show me that we can do this, Hisao?

Together?

I look up at him, I stare into those warm brown eyes. By now the world beyond the window is dark and cold but he’s not. I don’t want to go back to that place. If something happens, if, if something goes wrong...

I don’t want to go back there. But I... I don’t want to be afraid for the rest of my life, either.

“Okay.” The word comes out as only a whisper, as barely anything at all so I try one more time. I remember suns setting over power lines and Hisao’s arms around me, I remember paintings and a weight, a seemingly endless weight lifting from my chest.

“Okay.” I say again, and this time it’s loud and clear and I mean it. I mean it. Hisao smiles back at me and I manage to return the favor, although my own smile is a little shaky. Although I’m a little shaky. I turn to look at Mutou and he seems pleased, almost a little proud, even.

Yuuko arrives with our food and we thank her, but neither I nor Hisao move to let go of the other's hand. Our teacher starts telling us about what subjects and kinds of questions will be on the test, the books in the library that will help us get ready and things like that, but all the while I keep stealing sidelong glances at Hisao, and I keep catching him doing the same thing at me.

I’ll do this Hisao, I’ll do this for you and for me and for, for both of us. But I’m still scared. I don’t want to lose you.

Don’t lose me.



The conversation takes a lighter turn as Mutou segues into talking about his own time at university. He... he kind of needs to work on his joke telling skills, but at least Hisao seems to get a kick out of them. I guess science humor isn’t really my thing, and I forget sometimes that my boyfriend can be a bit of a nerd. Still, it’s nice to see him bonding with someone, just like it was nice to help him rejoin the resistance, or whatever Kenji had called it. It’s a marked departure from how he was, who he was when he first limped into my classroom and into my life, those months ago.

Eventually Mutou departs, saying that he has some things to take care of. Again, he forgets to remind me to do my career survey but I will soon, I promise. By now it’s starting to get late, curfew isn’t too far off so we finish eating and then make our way back up the hill. I’m glad I was asleep for the trip down, I know I’d be a mess without that bit of shut-eye. I’m still tired though, I’m stumbling and leaning a little heavily on Hisao as we pass through the gate and head towards the dorms. I need to go back to his room to, um, return his jacket. And maybe he’ll want me to spend the night? It’s... it’s been a day, such a long day and with this talk of cities and graduation, and this two-week deadli... I mean with only two weeks to prepare for the practice test, to prepare to go back to the city, I can’t think of a better place to start then in Hisao’s room, and then in his bed, and then, then in his arms.

The, um, the owner of all those things who walks next to me makes no objection when we go right past the spot where the paths split and keep heading towards the boys’ dorms. My vision is blurring by this point, but in the low light I can just make out someone standing by the doors. Maybe Kenji regained consciousness, and hopefully cleaned himself up a bit and now he’s waiting for us?

...No such... no such luck, unless he’s suddenly taken to wearing a skirt and a wicked expression, which would be interesting, I guess. That would be one word for it. But upon closer inspection and a few more steps, the figure waiting in front of the entrance is revealed to be none other than our... our beloved student council president. Hooray.

“Ramming speed.” I mumble, but Hisao just laughs nervously. I, I wasn’t kidding Hisao, or at least, not really. Please don’t stop. On top of everything else we’ve talked about today, I don’t want to be yelled at by... I mean, I mean I don’t want to spend the night in Shizune’s dungeon. And besides, she’s a feminist. Maybe.

Don’t... don’t slow down. Why are you... why are we... oh. Oh, Shizune’s right in front of us, she stepped forward to block our path.

Even knowing that she can’t hear it, or maybe because of the fact, I let out a long, weary sigh. I just hope there’s room for two in one of those things they have in torture chambers, what are they called, iron maidens? The maiden standing before us certainly looks like she could be made out of iron, she might as well be waving a sign that says “busted” from the look on her face.

Shizune raises her hands, looking like she would fire off a barrage of sign language if either of us had any chance of understanding it. But even if it wasn’t late and dark and I wasn’t so tired, it would still be hopeless. I guess she's not one to give up though, because she traces some simple, slow motions in the air, peering at us the entire time.

Shizune gestures to herself, makes a somewhat rueful expression, then points to Hisao. She traces a small box in the space before her, then acts like she’s grabbing it and slowly moves the shape to one side. I glance at Hisao, he just shrugs uneasily but... but no, okay, wait. This has got to be some sort of layman’s or even baby’s-first-sign-language stuff. It’s certainly not a stretch to think that Shizune expects anyone to be able to understand what she’s doing, but, well...

It’s just that...

With some reluctance, I let go of Hisao’s hand and take a step forward. Shizune’s eyes lock onto me, I feel like I’m walking into a tiger’s den, geez, how exhausting. I give her a smile but I know it’s awkward, I have no idea how to ask her to repeat herself in sign, and if I motioned for her to come towards me or something she might think I’m trying to start a fight. Why is this even happening, where is Misha, anyway?

Actually.

Still smiling through grit teeth, I motion towards the sides of my head with both hands, spinning my fingers in slow, circular pattern and moving them downwards. Shizune watches with something between keen interest and exasperation, like she finds me to be an exotic annoyance. After making my best attempt to imitate drills next to my hair, I lower my hands in a kind of shrug and glance around before looking back at the student council president. I half expect her to raise an eyebrow or frown at me, but instead she leans forward excitedly, as if she’d just found life on a planet she’d previously thought deserted.

Well, no, not quite like that. I hope not quite like that. Shizune raises her hands, puts her palms together and then lays them on one side of her head, leaning her face towards them. That... uh... it looks kind of like... oh!

“Shizune says Misha is sleeping.” I translate, glancing back at Hisao. He seems impressed, but I think I have a newfound respect for our pink-haired classmate. Even this caveman sign is slow and cumbersome, so her day job must be brutal. Still, I wish it was her doing it now instead of me.

I return my attention to Shizune, who’s wearing a smile that actually looks friendly. I guess she really doesn’t get to... communicate with anyone other than Misha very often. I’m smiling back, I give her a nod that hopefully says her message was received and that she can continue, and she does. She repeats the signs from before at a snail’s pace, putting a hand on her chest and frowning apologetically before motioning towards Hisao.

“And she’s... sorry for...” I squint while trying to hold off a yawn, she’d probably think that was rude even if she knew I can’t help it.

Shizune traces a small, rectangular shape in the air, then acts as if she’s grabbing it and sloooooowly pushes it towards Hisao. Wait, uh... that shape, and she’s giving it to him? Oh I, I’ve got it. I think.

“She’s sorry it took so long to deliver your letter?” I announce, although I wish I could do it with a little more certainty.

“Oh.” Hisao looks thoughtful for a few moments. I wonder what would have happened if his letter had arrived earlier? Would he have come to the same conclusion, would he... would he have told me about it? Did I need to know about his almost ex-girlfriend, about Iwanako?

I think I could have lived without it. I think that’s something he wasn’t really obligated to tell me. But I’m glad he told me about his heart attack, about his time in the hospital and how lonely and hard that was for him. It explains some things, and I... I kind of know what that’s like. So it brought us closer together, and who knows if that would be true if it gotten here before summer vacation, during the stress of exam season? Not me, and not Hisao either, it’s impossible to know.

Maybe he comes to the same conclusion, because he gives Shizune a nod. “It’s okay.” He says, although his words fall on... yeah. She seems to get the message, her expression brightening again before growing serious. She turns to me, looks at me and her gaze is searching for a few moments. Then she gives me a grateful smile and reaches into her pocket, producing a now familiar pad of paper and a pen. Maybe she’d like to continue talking like this, but she knows what’s about to come is beyond my meager, sleepy abilities. That’s probably not a good sign.

Shizune’s hands move back and forth across the paper for a moment before she turns the pad around and offers it to me. I know it’s going to be bad news but we can’t really make a break for it now, and besides, it’s just that... Shizune, without your interpreter here, it’s pretty difficult and...

...What’s it like to need someone? To rely on someone?

That’s another feeling that I know pretty well.

[I regret to inform the two of you,] it says, in Shizune’s typical, neat handwriting, [that female students are strictly forbidden from staying overnight in the male students’ dorms. And vice versa.]

While she had resembled a cat about to pounce on a pair of mice in the beginning, Shizune looks almost apologetic now. Maybe I look a little worse off than I thought, or maybe my ability to discern the meaning of a box drawn in the air has impressed her. Either way, her attitude has changed just enough to go from “you’re burnt toast” to “you’re toast”.

Well... I guess I appreciate the effort to soften the blow, but I would still rather not be having this conversation to begin with. I mean I’m, I’m not a rebel or a delinquent or anything, I just... want to lie down next to Hisao and, and feel his warmth and know that everything will be all right. That’s all I want right now, although I certainly can’t write that down for her. I don’t think I would even be able to say something like that out loud, I might die first. And actually, as far as that rule goes, there are exceptions. But those are... I remember, they’re usually only in the case of siblings. And that doesn’t matter now. That... it doesn’t apply to me anymore.

Hisao thrusts his hands in his pockets, he’s frowning just like me, although he looks embarrassed by getting caught rather than upset. Shizune’s eyes still hold a tiny measure of satisfaction as she watches him squirm, but I’m not blushing anymore. I catch myself pulling my arms closer, I was unconsciously moving to wrap my arms around myself as my mind went elsewhere, went back to last year and all the bad times, the worst times. Old fears that have been made new only very recently, but... Shizune?

What’s it like to lose someone?

I’ve heard the rumors and the whispers, and I remember something about a man-bear wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a robotic looking little girl visiting around the end of summer vacation, but that’s it. I don’t know anything for sure but they say that you... they say that you and I have something else in common. That you lost someone important to you too.

I wonder, if I could, what would I ask her? If the pain ever fully goes away, if the small things ever stop bringing you back and reminding you, if the big things ever stop weighing on you? But I guess I know the answer to some of those by now, or at least, I think I do. It’s only been a year. It still hurts, a lot of things still hurt, sometimes. But I’m getting better. I’m getting there. So--

Suddenly, there’s a piece of paper being thrust in my face. [However.]

How... what?

[The student council just might be willing to overlook these “occurrences”, if you can provide a convincing argument as to why we should do something so blatantly irresponsible.]

I look up from the pad to the girl holding It, Shizune is adjusting her glasses with her free hand. Her expression has a playful tinge to it, I might not be able to gauge any tone from the written text, but there’s no malice behind her eyes. From the look of it, it doesn’t seem like Shizune wants me to present a report on why I should be allowed to crash in my boyfriend’s room. She looks like she wants a challenge, she looks like she wants to play. I... I guess I’ve gone from mouse to toast to toy? Supposedly the student council has stacks of board games lying around, there was that one time the literature club drew straws for who had to go to their room and ask to borrow some for an event. Maybe she’s been itching for a chance to put them to use?

Well I... guess I’ve had some experience with things like that, and it’s better than being flat out shut down, so... so okay. I’m tired, I’m so tired by now but I look Shizune in the eyes and I give her a thumbs up.

Shizune smiles widely, I don’t really know if I like the look of that. She writes down a few more lines before turning the pad around, displaying the words to both me and Hisao.

[Come to the student council room tomorrow after school.]

I nod and Hisao does too, scratching the back of his head as if he doesn’t quite know what he’s getting into. But he glances at me. He’s probably thinking back to what happened today, remembering what we talked about, what we’ll be going through soon enough. And he knows it would help me a lot if, if I had him there at night, at least once in a while. So he looks like he’s willing to give this a shot.

With things settled, or more, set, Shizune returns the pad to her pocket and then begins walking towards the girls’ dorms. She gestures for me to come with her, maybe she thinks we’re sneakier than we are. We aren’t really that sneaky. Are we? Either way, I guess it makes sense that she has to ensure we’re obeying the rules, at least when she’s around. Um... plausible deniability and all that, right?

Even if I did protest, I don’t really think I have the strength for much more signing or reading signs or... no, no I’m not up to that right now. So instead I take off Hisao’s jacket and hand it to him.

His fingers brush against mine as he takes the coat, he gives me a smile, looking pretty worn out too. “I’ll see you tomorrow?” He asks.

“Yeah.” I nod hazily, glancing back at Shizune to make sure she hasn’t left without me. She hasn’t. I bite my lip and she rolls her eyes, crossing her arms in a pout before turning to look the other way. That’s... that’s neat.

I seize the opportunity to step closer to Hisao, until I’m right in front of him, until I’m looking up into his eyes. A lot has happened today, it feels like a lot has changed and now, even more is going to be changing soon. But Hisao, please take a hint. Please show me one thing that’s not going to change.

The boy before me smiles wider, his eyes are heavy with fatigue but he closes them and leans his head down, I close my own eyes and lean up and then, yeah. He takes the hint.

I savor the warm sensation of his lips on mine for as long as I can, but I know I need to go. I need to get back to my room and crash, even if I’m alone, even if I have to go without him for a little while longer. We pull away and I give him one more awkward, blushing smile before taking a step back.

“Thanks.” I whisper. He doesn’t say anything back, just nods and continues giving me that smile, the one that that outshines all the lights around us, the one that outshines the sun.


The walk back to our rooms is silent, but that’s... that’s to be expected I guess. When we reach my room Shizune and I part ways, she actually gives me a kind-of-weird, kind-of-friendly wave as she departs. I manage to return it and mine probably looks just as good, but that’s because my hand weighs like a thousand pounds and oh god, oh god I need to sleep. I stumble into my room, slip out of my clothes and collapse into my bed, completely and utterly exhausted after today. I’m asleep the moment my head hits the pillow, and I dream a hazy jumble of superheroes and feminists, cityscapes and boys with messy brown hair, faulty hearts and warm, soft lips.


Next I Previous I First