A pseudo-pseudo Suzu route (completed)

[AlchemistR]

Dat Kenji. I cannot wait until the next chapter.

I honestly wish that these weren't uploaded directly after my energy and creativity was sapped, so I could give a coherent review. Every damn time, it's right after I've written an essay or gone to a con or what have you. XD

[Zaranell]

[Go after him.]

As much as I dislike Kenji, he's clearly lost it. Dude needs help. Badly. Even though Hisao is probably still mad at him (I would be too), I think he'll understand when he learns why Suzu didn't go straight to his room. Of course, if I were Suzu, I would just knock on Hisao's door, tell him what I saw, and then we could both go after him - but that's besides the point. Leaving him in a condition like that could end pretty badly, either for him or whoever he runs into first.

[Mirage_GSM]

a paper tiger that eats at me. Mauls at me.

Can you actually maul at someone?

...I honestly have no idea how either of these will turn out. Darn it, no I have to wait for two or more updates to see the results. I'm gonna bet on the latter being the bad end.

I can't think of a way either of those choices could lead to a bad end (that wouldn't feel construed) at this point of the story - except for Kenji of course.

The scene with the letter was done very well. I think it would have made a nice endpoint for the story as a whole, but it seems you intend to continue for a while yet.
Just make sure you don't drag it out too long, now that the main conflict has been resolved.

[Helbereth]

Having the letter arrive this late is a little odd, but 4LS hardly paid any attention to a reasonable timeline, so I'm not gonna hold it against you. The brief scene where Shizune and Misha discover Suzu in Hisao's room was worth the continuity flux, along with the later uncomfortable moment in class. The scene where they read it together and Hisao explains about it seemed to make sense, at least.

That career survey is like a bad penny, or maybe a battleship peg. At least now she's not completely beside herself looking at it, and she's actually listening to someone with experience.

Yuuko offering sage advice always felt weird in the VN, but it works surprisingly well; I like the characterization you used with her wringing her hands and such - it felt authentic.

Lezard comes off a little too emo, but it makes sense, I guess. Some new guy swooped down and stole his crush, and now he's stuck watching her dote over him every day. It doesn't matter that they keep their PDAs to a minimum, his perception is skewed such that he probably sees hand-holding as a crime against decency.

I'm on the fence about this Kenji situation, and not because of the unexpected choice.

While it does seem like he's depressed and probably shouldn't be alone, I'm not sure what bearing he really has on the story at this point. The falling-out with Hisao was quite a long time ago, even in the context of the story (it's been around two months since the 'kidnapping'), and apart from the brief encounter at the convenience store, he just dropped out of the tale. Having him pop back up like this feels strange.

[Barkinson]

I have been reading this fic for a while and it gets better and better every chapter. I really liked that Birthday Extra good job, dear sir. I'm looking forward for the next chapter !

[Mirage_GSM]

his perception is skewed such that he probably sees hand-holding as a crime against decency.

In Japan, hand-holding IS a crime against decency.
At least for many people.

[Helbereth]

his perception is skewed such that he probably sees hand-holding as a crime against decency.

In Japan, hand-holding IS a crime against decency.
At least for many people.

That's completely ridiculous.

[Mirage_GSM]

Well, "crime against decency" might be exaggerating it a bit, but it's true kissing in public is frowned upon by many people, and holding hands is much more uncommon than in western countries.

[Scissorlips]

Well Scissorlips you've done it again, you will now have me hanging on tenterhooks until the next chapter comes out
Brilliant writing as per usual and I like that you've brought Kenji back into the mix, As always I very much look forward to your next chapter!

Thank you! I agree, it's nice to get to inject Kenji's character into things again. I won't keep you waiting much longer, I promise.

Wait, are we really getting a description of Iwanako? Tell me this isn't real!

...Goddamnit, I was being sarcastic.

Ha. Actually, even in the game at points, Hisao mentions that he can't really recall what she looks like, so that's something I wanted to emulate.

Dat Kenji. I cannot wait until the next chapter.

I honestly wish that these weren't uploaded directly after my energy and creativity was sapped, so I could give a coherent review. Every damn time, it's right after I've written an essay or gone to a con or what have you. XD

While I appreciate any and every response, you could always just wait until the next morning to reply, heh.

[Go after him.]

As much as I dislike Kenji, he's clearly lost it. Dude needs help. Badly. Even though Hisao is probably still mad at him (I would be too), I think he'll understand when he learns why Suzu didn't go straight to his room. Of course, if I were Suzu, I would just knock on Hisao's door, tell him what I saw, and then we could both go after him - but that's besides the point. Leaving him in a condition like that could end pretty badly, either for him or whoever he runs into first.

Poker face.

Can you actually maul at someone?

You cannot, but Suzu is confusing the entire concept of what a paper tiger is.

The scene with the letter was done very well. I think it would have made a nice endpoint for the story as a whole, but it seems you intend to continue for a while yet.
Just make sure you don't drag it out too long, now that the main conflict has been resolved.

Thank you. I've actually heard that about several points in the story, which is kind of telling, I guess. I understand what you mean and intend to wrap things up soon.

Having the letter arrive this late is a little odd, but 4LS hardly paid any attention to a reasonable timeline, so I'm not gonna hold it against you.

Actually, the letter arrives at pretty much the exact same time as it does in Shizune's route. But yes, it deviates from the norm.

While it does seem like he's depressed and probably shouldn't be alone, I'm not sure what bearing he really has on the story at this point. The falling-out with Hisao was quite a long time ago, even in the context of the story (it's been around two months since the 'kidnapping'), and apart from the brief encounter at the convenience store, he just dropped out of the tale. Having him pop back up like this feels strange.

I completely understand what you mean. I would have liked to have more Kenji in the story, but there simply wasn't room for him with everything else going on, at least in my opinion. Whether his resurfacing now is justified or used effectively is something I'll leave for you to judge, when the story is concluded.

I have been reading this fic for a while and it gets better and better every chapter. I really liked that Birthday Extra good job, dear sir. I'm looking forward for the next chapter !

Thank you very much. It's always fun to be able to step outside of the usual setup and do things a little differently.

Thank you, everyone who has taken the time to respond or even just stay updated, I know it's been a long ride. I hope to have another update finished soonish.

[EclipsiumRasa]

Great read as ever Scissorlips.

Short Cut / Detour

[Go after him.]
[Do not pursue Kenji.]

Hmm.

[x] Do not pursue Kenji.

Perhaps its not the more compassionate choice, and it made come off as retaliatory for Kenji's past misdeeds but the level of help Kenji needs is something beyond anyone who isn't a professional can offer - and even then no guarantees of chance happening. Suzu's easily distracted by her nature, even without how her disability interferes with her keeping to her plans.

If Suzu is going to stop flinching and see what her future holds she'll need to make these calls. She's already taken shown some real promise (both by talking to Yuuko for insight and resolving where she stands with Lezard) but Kenji is a walking embodiment of habits Suzu needs to avoid, not succumb to. I'd like to see her continue to face down her future.

(And yes that means I'm trying to choose "Fill in the paperwork!" over "what Kenji did next" and that makes me sound like the most boring person on the internet... )

[Bagheera]

Forgot most obvious choice:

[X] Get Hisao and go after Kenji together.

Deals with all the issues at once I think.

But anyway another great chapter! Hope Suzu tackles the bear that is career survey soon.

[Scissorlips]

Hmm.

[x] Do not pursue Kenji.

Perhaps its not the more compassionate choice, and it made come off as retaliatory for Kenji's past misdeeds but the level of help Kenji needs is something beyond anyone who isn't a professional can offer - and even then no guarantees of chance happening. Suzu's easily distracted by her nature, even without how her disability interferes with her keeping to her plans.

If Suzu is going to stop flinching and see what her future holds she'll need to make these calls. She's already taken shown some real promise (both by talking to Yuuko for insight and resolving where she stands with Lezard) but Kenji is a walking embodiment of habits Suzu needs to avoid, not succumb to. I'd like to see her continue to face down her future.

(And yes that means I'm trying to choose "Fill in the paperwork!" over "what Kenji did next" and that makes me sound like the most boring person on the internet... )

Interesting choice, and even more interesting interpretation of events.

Forgot most obvious choice:

[X] Get Hisao and go after Kenji together.

Shush, you. Heh.
Thank you both for reading and for responding, every response never fails to brighten my day. Except the "you have completely screwed this part up" ones, but even those are necessary.

Sorry it took me a little while to finish this part. I wanted to release it and the next one together, but I simply don't have the time, and this one seemed to stand by itself well enough. I'm not trying to drag things out, I'm just a little busy with classes and the approaching holiday season. Anyway, thank you again for reading, and as always, feedback is invaluable to me, whether I'm doing things right or wrong--and especially in that last case.

[Scissorlips]

City of One


[>Do not pursue Kenji.]


I stand there, rooted to the spot as Kenji eventually turns a corner and disappears from view.

He didn't... he didn't really look that bad off. I mean, he was clearly drunk, but he was also clearly used to being drunk so maybe this is all in a day's work for him? Go to class--maybe--then come home, knock back a few drinks, and take a nice afternoon stroll? Stranger things have happened. Maybe. I guess.

While he does look worse for wear, I can’t know for sure how much Kenji may or may not have changed since the last time I saw him. All I’m really certain of is that I could fall asleep at almost any time, and even if he’s still mostly harmless, chasing after him might not be. I can probably even catch him later anyway, when he's not quite so... inebriated, and I'm not quite so by myself.

Judging from the way Kenji acted that night at the convenience store, he does want to patch things up with Hisao. And even if he wouldn't admit it, Hisao probably wants that too, considering he doesn't have any other male friends here at the school, not really. But... either way, I just don't think it's worth the risk right now.

Hoping that I've made the right decision, I turn to knock on Hisao's door. A moment later he calls for me to come in, so I do.

Hisao is sitting at his desk, he smiles softly as I step into his room. The mound of homework laid out before him is an unpleasant reminder of how my own desk looks, although mine is much less organized. What's the point of cleaning everything up if it's just going to get messy again? And besides, you learn where to hunt for the usual suspects anyway, you... you learn the lay of the land. Desk. Okay, floor.

But I don't think I'm here because Hisao wants to talk about my organizational skills. And I hope he doesn't want to talk about homework either, I mean, yeah we've all pretty much accepted that our study brigade is going to need to be reformed soon, but...

“Hey.” Hisao is suddenly standing in front of me, when... when did he get up? Did I space out for a minute there?

Even if I did, I'm here now. I shake it off, giving him a tired smile. “You summoned me?”

“Verily.” He replies, smiling back. Hisao reaches for his uniform jacket, draped over the back of his chair. “Can we get something to eat?”

“But I just got here.” I moan halfheartedly, glancing at his bed. It's not as comfy as mine, but I'm, um, kind of getting used to it. And I have to blink a lot now, I don't know how much longer I'll be up. I guess it was a good idea not to run off after all.

“We can come back later, don't worry. Coffee's on me.” He says with a wink.

The last person to buy me coffee was a jerk. But I guess I wouldn’t mind some food, we haven't really had time to go out since school started up again. We've been too busy getting back into the swing of things. I was... I was never very good at swinging.

“Fine, but you're paying for more than just the coffee.” I reply, wishing I had brought a coat or something. Luckily, Hisao walks over to his wardrobe and retrieves a second uniform jacket. He tosses it to me and then quickly shuts the closet again before I can get a good look.

“I only have two sweatervests.” He says smugly, as if reading my mind.

I narrow my eyes. “You're lying.”

He shrugs, moving towards the door. “You'll never know.”

I sling the jacket over my shoulders. It's a little big of course, but it's warm, and it... it smells like him and it's nice and I like it. I'm blushing a little as I do the buttons, but just before we walk out into the hall, I steal one more glance at his wardrobe, where I'm certain that an army of sweaters lie in wait.

“I'll be back.” I mumble before taking the hand that Hisao offers and stepping through the door.



We emerge from the boys' dorms into a cool, windy afternoon. I can smell change on the breeze, I can see it in the way the branches above us are just barely starting to show hints of red and gold. Fall will be here soon, and after that, winter. I like the colder seasons, they’re the perfect time to curl up next to a heater with a good book, and all the layers you have to throw on when going out just make for good padding in case of falls.

As we make our way across the grounds, I can't help but glance left, right, and even over my shoulder, I wonder if you-know-who is--

“Looking for someone?” Hisao asks, raising an eyebrow at me. I shake my head, I wouldn't put it past Kenji to pop out of some bush or around a corner, but I don’t see any scarfs or, or sunlight reflecting sinisterly off of thick glasses. In fact, I don't see any sign of him at all, all I see is... what catches my eye is...

There, that’s the tree where I sat next to Hisao, the day he first asked about my narcolepsy. Just a little further past is the trail down to the track, where we cheered on Miki, and I fell asleep on his shoulder.

After that, we went to the Beijing for the first time, and I, I was sneaky and overheard him planning to confess. It still didn’t really sink in though, not until, ha, not until we were standing there in that hallway. I can’t help but grin like an idiot at the memory, I look at the boy walking next to me and he stares back.

“What’s that look for?”

“I was just thinking...” I turn back towards the dorms, that's the spot where he stood underneath the moonlight, ready and willing to take me out of this place, take me away from my dreams. All the evenings we spent together in the library or different classrooms, studying for tests and going over things in class that I had slept through. All the times Hisao struggled to open up about his heart condition, struggled to accept who he was.

The trip home... the power lines, coming back. Exams. Summer vacation, and, and Seiji's room.

All the times I struggled to open up, about a lot of things. What I'd been through, who I was, or... or who I thought I was. But I was wrong, Hisao showed me that. I'm not the same person as back then, neither of us are.

“You do that.” Hisao says, what was...? Oh. Thinking. Yeah, I, I guess he’s right. I realize that at some point my legs have stopped moving. We’re standing here on the path through the grounds, and Hisao is just here with me, just watching and waiting. But he doesn’t seem irritated, he’s looking at me fondly now. Well, two can play at that game.

The breeze is chilly but his jacket is warm, his hand in mine is warm too. And it feels normal to be with him like this, it feels natural by now. I've actually gotten used to having someone here, having someone who cares so much about me, and that's... it's kind of amazing, I think. I'm really lucky.

“We’ve been through a lot, huh?” I ask, smiling up at him even though my eyelids are heavy with fatigue.

Hisao looks like he wants to spin some joke out of it, but decides not to. He just kind of shrugs and tilts his head to one side. “Yeah.” He says softly. “It was quite a year.”

“Please don’t use past tense.” I mumble, my smile beginning to falter. But he gives my hand a squeeze.

“I’m not throwing in the towel just yet.”

I think that’s a sports phrase, and I think I know what it means. But I’m not entirely sure, I don’t really... I don’t really do sports. “Where would you throw it?”

“Good point.” He says, pretending to mull it over. “Maybe I can trade it for some food. C’mon.”

He gives me a gentle tug in the direction of the gates and I will my heavy legs back into action, I’m... I’m slumping now. I guess he’s right, I really could use something to eat.

Memories continue to resurface as we walk. Thinking about the past, about how all those times seem to have just slipped away from me somehow, it makes me even more nervous about where things are going from here. Hisao even still has something he wants to talk to me about, but I’m glad that this isn’t awkward. This isn’t tense. I’m just happy to be around him right now, I’m just happy to have him here with me.

So many good things have happened, in the time that we’ve been together. A lot of bad things happened too though, and I really... I mean, I don’t know if that’s going to change anytime soon, not with our classwork beginning to ramp up again. For the second time today I remember Yuuko’s advice, I try to see this as the hard part and, and maybe I’ll look back on all this and laugh, some day. If I make it. If I get that far.

Right now, it’s... it’s just not very funny, though.


We pass through the gates of Yamaku and begin our descent down the hill. My grip on Hisao's hand tightens the whole time but he doesn’t even raise an eyebrow, he’s so used to it by now. I manage to stay awake and the rest of the trip is mercifully short, before I know it we're standing in the lobby of the Shanghai and being greeted by Yuuko.

She gives me something of a knowing smile, but I feel a little guilty, on top of just feeling tired. I had wanted to go to the Beijing at first, it would be nice to see how Taro is doing. But Lezard is probably working there too, and I guess that if I walked through the door hand in hand with my boyfriend, that would sort of be shoving things in his face.

I'll have to find out what days he doesn't work. I'm not giving up my favorite restaurant just because my friend... former friend... just because my classmate is a jerk.

Maybe I can ask Taro about that later, but for now the Shanghai is almost deserted, and Hisao was oddly insistent on coming here anyway. Yuuko leads us to a booth, Hisao slides in first to sit next to the window and I lower myself down beside him, grateful for the chance to finally get some well-deserved rest. So... so very well deserved... I think...

“Suzu, hey, don’t go to sleep on me.” Hisao is shaking me, I guess I had started to drift off.

“Hm?” I moan, reluctantly opening my eyes. I’m awake but blinking heavily now, it feels like the clouds are always a little slower to retreat than they are to set in.

He pokes me in the shoulder and I slowly turn my head to look at him, he’s smiling, but his expression is serious for some reason. No... no wait, right. We came here talk, not to nap. Argh...

I sit up, cover my mouth with one hand as I fail to stave off a yawn and then meet his gaze. Time to talk, I guess. I’m sure I can sleep later. That’s a pretty safe bet, I think. Hisao takes his cue.

“Hey... you were right, you know?” He begins, a little unsteadily. He’s nervous and that means I should probably be nervous too, and as, as soon as I finish waking up, I will get right on that.

“We really have been through a lot. But we’ve made it this far, right?” He continues. I nod.

“Present tense.” I point out, and he smiles.

“Yeah.”

Hisao fidgets a little in his seat, looking like he didn’t quite plan this out as well as he had thought. I’m pretty sure he’s better at plans than me, but he’s not... he’s not a schemer or anything. I think. Unless he’s so good at it that it looks like he’s not. But that’s probably overthinking things.

The boy next to me frowns in concentration, he stares down at the table for a moment and folds his hands in front of him.

“Just one more thing, Suzu.” He says quietly, glancing back up at me. “I need to ask for just one more--“

“Sorry I’m late.”

Now I’m the one looking up. A man is walking towards our booth, and, and then he’s taking a seat, and now he’s plopped down across from us. Mutou gives the two of us a cursory nod.

“Suzuki.” He says flatly. “Nakai. Good afternoon.”

“Well this was fun.” I mumble, rising from the table and turning to take my leave, but Hisao is already grabbing me.

“No no. No you don’t.” He pulls me back down and I don’t resist, I was... I was kidding anyway. Mostly. Yuuko finally appears to take our orders, so even if I was serious she’s blocking my escape route now.

Her timely arrival suggests that Mutou’s presence here was expected, planned even. My teacher chooses not to take offense at my antics, he just asks Yuuko for a cup of black coffee while I turn to shoot a glare at Hisao.

Schemer. “You tricked me.” I whisper. He grins, it’s an improvement over his earlier hesitation at least.

“Sorry.” He replies, but now it’s our turn to order. The lack of menus surprises no one. Hisao makes a vague request for a sandwich and a drink and I ask for some coffee of my own along with something delicious and sweet. Something... something resembling cake. And if it just so happens to actually be cake, I make it clear that I'm okay with that. I get the feeling that I'm going to need some sugar for this.

Even our only slightly unspecific order seems a little daunting to our librarian turned waitress, but she bobs her head up and down before disappearing into the kitchen. Mutou clears his throat. Somehow seeing him like this is completely different from during the school day. His voice has a habit of--well. I guess that everything has a habit of putting me to sleep. But here and now, Mutou manages to command my full attention, even if he's just sitting there and looking somewhat uncomfortable.

The feeling is mutual, sir, I assure you.

It seems Mutou is waiting for Hisao to say something, I turn to glance at him. The afternoon sun drifts through the window next to us, it toys with his features, lighting up those deep brown eyes and almost seeming to set his hair aglow. His expression grows serious again as he gazes back at me.

Got to... got to defuse this tension somehow. I’m getting tired again, someone say something before I go dark. Think, come on, wake up. Um. Let's see.

“So, did you bring me out here because you thought I needed the exercise, or...?” I bump Hisao with my shoulder, feeling so drained that he doesn't budge an inch.

“Well you are kind of a shut-in.” He smirks. “But no. I just want to show you something. Ask you something.”

I decide to ignore his remark, as true as it... as it may or may not be. The warm sunlight threatens to dull my senses, but the smells of the restaurant and the sounds of the other guests are waking me up. Having him here, next to me, it's waking me up. And... and the fact that my teacher is sitting just a few feet away is doing a pretty good job of that too. So I'm awake. And I want to know what this is about.

“Then show me.” I manage to smile, fighting back the nervousness that still lingers. “Ask me.”

“You don't want to wait for your coffee?” He tilts his head. I can't tell if he's stalling or, or if he really wants me to relax before going any further, and I'm not sure which of those is more worrying. But Yuuko appears with our drinks as if on cue. She sets them on the table before departing again, promising that Hisao's sandwich and my cake--I totally knew it was going to be cake--will be ready soon.

I make a habit not to turn down caffeine when it's readily available, so I take a few sips of my coffee. I glance up and see that Mutou is doing the exact same thing, we... we even blow on it the same way. Several short bursts, not one long stream of air. I quickly look away, this is so awkward and why is he here it's after class why am I hanging out with my boyfriend and our teacher. Doesn't he have papers to grade, lessons to plan? Um... science to do?

Mutou looks like he wouldn't mind a cigarette to go with his drink, but he sets down his mug. I guess even he's had enough of waiting by now.

“Suzuki.” He grunts, before pausing to chew on his words a bit. Despite being a teacher, he's not really all that good with people, and I guess he's figured that out.

It looks like he's the one who's going to be talking to me anyway, so maybe he just wanted Hisao to calm me down a little first? Or was that Hisao's idea? I, I don't know, but I guess I'm calm. I think I'm calm. So I just listen, I sit there and take comfort in the fact that Hisao is right next to me.

“You're the only third year left who hasn't turned in their career survey by now.” Mutou picks up again, but he's adjusted his tone, he makes an effort to soften his expression. “And the school knows that deciding on a path for your future is easier for some students than others.”

So that's what this is about. I have to wonder why we're doing this here and not in his office or something. I mean, he does have an office, right?

I can feel myself already beginning to detach from the conversation, already closing up. But he's just getting started, and Hisao set this up, he arranged this, and I... I trust him. So I nod, making an effort not to go into automatic mode and just agree with whatever my teacher says until I can escape again.

Mutou continues, wearing one of his crooked but well-meaning smiles. “Graduation is on the horizon, Suzuki, and you need to start thinking seriously about things like this. But there are options. There are things you can do to help you prepare.”

Another nod. This just sounds like any of the speeches I've heard in class before, it sounds like the things my parents used to tell me. He reaches into his coat and produces a folded piece of paper... a brochure. I try not to frown, but I don't know what another pamphlet is supposed to do, supposed to tell me. Like I said though, it's too late to run now, and Hisao planned this, and...

Teacher, I don't feel well. I'm going to see the nurse.

Teacher, I'm scared. I don't know how to graduate.

“There's a school nearby that administers practice college entrance exams.” Mutou says.

I blink. He hands me the flier and I take it, so this... it's not just another college brochure?

“The next test is coming up in few weeks.” Hisao adds, watching me closely. I force a smile, I know he's trying to help but it almost feels like they're ganging up on me now. Just, just slow down. Please.

Mutou speaks again. “The school is very highly rated. Yamaku students can register for a special price, and the test is a good way to see how you'll measure up to the real thing. Nakai here has already signed up.”

I glance at Hisao, normally he would be smiling at me or giving me a thumbs up or something, but he's just... he's just staring. Why? I look back at the brochure, I read the cover. The name of the school is familiar. In fact, I'm sure I've heard it before, where have I--

I get to the address printed at the bottom. And then everything just stops.

The only sound is the quiet clinking of dishes and distant murmurs of conversation from the other people in the restaurant. Hisao and Mutou, neither of them say anything. I can feel their eyes on me, but I don't look up, I just keep staring at the paper in front of me, even though I'm not really looking at it now.

Seconds tick by, nothing. A bell jingles as a group of students walk through the doors of the Shanghai. They laugh and chatter and probably give us curious glances as Yuuko leads them past our table.

They're out of earshot now, they're gone. Mutou takes a sip of his coffee. I still don't look up.

“Suzu?”

A few moments later, Hisao is resting a hand on my shoulder. “Suzu?” He asks again.

Well this was... this was fun. But I don’t want to be here anymore, it’s suddenly so cold in here and what, what were we talking about?

“Come back, Suzu.” Hisao says, giving me a gentle shake.

“I’m here.” I mumble blankly.

“No.” He sounds pained now. “You’re not.”

I finally look up, I slowly raise my head and Hisao is staring right back at me, he's staring right into my eyes.

He... he’s right. I ran away again. I’m here for the moment but I don’t want to be, I want to leave.

Hisao, I want to go home.

But I can't say that. I can't fall apart, not here in the Shanghai in broad daylight. So all I can do is, all I know how to do is just shut up and eventually they’ll keep talking. I’ll nod and this will go away. This will go away.

Mutou has stayed quiet this entire time but Hisao is frowning, he’s wincing almost. “You don't have to do this.” He says softly.

It doesn't matter whether I have to or not. “I can't.”

He manages to keep his frown from deepening, but Hisao, I can tell. You wanted this to go better. You, you thought I would put up some resistance, sure, but you were hoping this wouldn't happen. You were hoping I wouldn't run and hide inside myself but I did, I have, and I'm sorry.

I know he’s disappointed but he still doesn’t show it. He forces a smile, he gives me a comforting smile and somehow it just makes me feel worse.

“You can.” Hisao says gently. “But no one's forcing you to.”

I can't meet his gaze anymore, choosing instead to stare into the swirling depths of my coffee. I give a tiny nod, feeling myself go blank again, the path of least resistance. Okay. All right. Sure. I'll think about it, mom. I promise I'll look into it, dad.

“Suzu, you don't have to take the test at all. But I want to, and I wanted to know if you'd come with me.”

I shrug, the bare minimum required in order to respond. I can't help it, none of this is getting through. Yuuko, you, you said to be brave but you didn't say anything about this. That's not fair.

You didn't say anything about this.

Hisao reaches to take my hand, I don't resist. “This is just a practice test.” He says. “It's not a big deal if you do badly. Nothing will happen if you fail.”

There's the sound of fabric shifting as Mutou rises from his seat. This clearly isn't going like they'd planned and I would feel bad, if I wasn't trying hard not to feel anything at all by this point.

“You're under no obligation, Suzuki, and no one will blame you for being hesitant.” Our teacher adds, doing his best to sound soothing. “But please think about it.”

I just nod one more time. I don't look up at him, even as he deposits some money on the table to pay for his coffee and walks away. The door opens and closes. A few more moments pass. Even when Hisao takes my hand in both of his, I don't look up again.

“Suzu.” He says carefully. “If you don't want to take this test, if that’s too much, it really is okay. I just thought that... I thought, if you came with me. If you saw it for yourself, then maybe...”

I keep my eyes on my drink, grimacing down at the dark liquid below me. What, Hisao? If I just tagged along, then maybe I would see that it's doable? Maybe I would be able to handle it, when the time comes and it's the real thing?

Well... he's right. Maybe I will. I'm, I'm scared of the unknown and if I went with him, maybe it wouldn't be so scary, I’d have an idea of what to expect. I don't even want to think about whether I'll have him there with me for the actual exams. I can’t think about it, not right now, I won’t.

It's just like Mutou, to think that this would help me. This is, it’s kind of just like Hisao, too. It’s logical, and it makes sense. It’s a good idea, it’s just... it’s just that...

Finally, I look up again. Hisao is still right next to me, still watching me with that gentle, patient gaze, still holding my hand. I look into those warm brown eyes.

“I don’t like cities.” I whimper, staring back at him and feeling my own eyes begin to burn.

“I know.” Hisao says softly. “But maybe they’ll turn the lights up extra bright for us.”

I... I doubt it, but before I can protest he lets go of my hand for a moment only so he can link arms with me, he moves a little closer. Again, I don't resist. I don't want to, he can... he can stay close like this. I hope he stays close like this.

I almost wish that I had insisted on talking in his room, but I think I know that if I had, I wouldn't be sitting down, next to him. If we were alone I'd be, I'd be crying now, I'd be breaking down again. And I don't want to do that, I don't want to be always crying and, and needing to be reassured and patched up. But in this case...

“I know this is asking a lot, Suzu.” Hisao whispers, his hand finding mine again. “And I know this won't be easy for you. But please come with me.”

With my free hand, I take a sip of my drink, I let the coffee drift past my trembling lips. The liquid is hot, my hands are still cold and now the rest of me is cold and my insides, my stomach is just clenching up.

“You need me there to cheer you on?” The sound of my cup returning to the table puts my voice to shame. “For emotional support?”

Hisao laughs softly, he nods. He knows how hard this is for me. He knows I'm trying. “Yeah.” He says. “Something like that.”

Yuuko arrives with our food, we thank her a little quietly but neither of us move to let go of the other's hand. Suddenly, I'm not hungry, and neither is he. I want to clench my eyes shut but instead I just stare ahead at nothing.

I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to go back. The, the last time I went into the city, the last time I went to that place I lost something, and I’m never going to get it back.

Hisao, what if things go wrong again? Something could happen to me. Something could happen to you. The thought of reliving, repeating that day in the city terrifies me more than any sheet of paper, more than any blank, empty future or crushing darkness.

“You really want me to come?” I mumble, staring into space and trying desperately not to think anymore.

“I do.”

“These, these tests are hard right? And we’ve got classwork and things are getting tough again and--“

“You don’t have to take the test.” He says gently. “Just help me study. Just come with me. I promise that I won’t let anything happen to you.”

To... to me. But that’s only the half of it. “What about you?” I ask, turning back to him. He chuckles again, his features still bathed in the glow of the afternoon light.

“That’s exactly why I want you there, to watch my back. So please, Suzu.” His tone softens again. “Please do this. For me.”

If... if only it was that simple. Or is it? Could it be? I try so hard not to frown back at him, I open my mouth to reply, to say anything at all but I don’t know the right words and everything just catches in my throat. My heart is still pounding.

Can I do this? Can I go back there? Take another bus ride into that city, walk on those, those same hard streets? Cars rushing by, it’s so easy to get lost, and people everywhere, except when you need them? Except when things go wrong?

I don’t know. I don’t know about that, but I... Hisao probably isn’t really concerned about his own safety at all, he’s from a place like that. But he’s done so much for me. Can I do this, for his sake if nothing else?

I can try. I, I will, I’ll try. I look at Hisao, he’s watching me and wearing a pensive expression on his face. But I manage a weak smile.

I remember all times he’s been there for me, and I nod.



The sun has begun to set by the time we finally feel like eating. When we pass through the gates of the school, the sky has grown dark. We don’t say much as we walk towards the dorms. I need to go back to his room, to... to return his jacket and maybe, just maybe ask if I can spend the night. I don’t want to be alone right now, I don’t want to lie down and have all these thoughts swimming through my head until sleep decides to take me. I’d rather be with him, I’d... I’d rather find other things to do. Better things to do.

We don’t even stop when we hit the point where the paths split, we just keep heading towards the boys’ dorms. My vision is getting a little blurry, but in the low light I can just make out someone standing by the doors. Kenji? No, no, unless he’s suddenly taken to wearing a skirt and a wicked expression--which would be interesting I guess--the figure waiting in front of the entrance is none other than... than our student council president, great.

“Ramming speed.” I mumble to the boy next to me, but he just laughs nervously. I, I wasn’t kidding Hisao, or at least, not really. Please don’t stop. On top of everything else we’ve talked about today, I really, really don’t want to spend the night in Shizune’s dungeon.

Don’t... don’t slow down. Why are you... why are we... oh. Oh, Shizune’s right in front of us, she stepped forward to block our path.

Even knowing that she can’t hear it, or maybe because of the fact, I let out a long, weary sigh. Goodbye, Hisao’s nice, warm bed. The feeling of his skin on mine. His lips, his comforting touch.

Hello, dungeon.

Shizune raises her hands in front of her, looking like she would fire off a barrage of sign if either of us had any chance of understanding it. But even if the lighting wasn’t low at best, it would still be hopeless. I guess she's not one to give up though, because she traces some simple, slow motions in the air, peering at us the entire time. Shizune gestures to herself, makes a somewhat rueful expression, then points to Hisao. She traces a small box in the space before her, then acts like she’s grabbing it and slowly moves the shape to one side. The entire time, Hisao and I just kind of stand and watch, thank god we’re probably being chewed out instead of being directed to the nearest bomb shelter because Kenji really was up to no good.

Shizune seemed to have started off with a glimmer of hope, but her expression sours when she realizes that we're not following in the least. Is this, is this baby sign language, or is she intent on becoming a mime after high school and just wanted to show off her skills?

I trade glances with Hisao, who looks just as stumped as me. When I turn back to Shizune, her pout has turned into a glare. She repeats the last gesture again, even slower this time.

This is... well, I don't know how you react to mimes. Do you clap? Do you give them invisible money? Do you call the police?

“Can we pass?” I just end up groaning. “It’s late and I’m tired, please Shiz--I mean, oh glorious leader.” I remember to throw in some honorifics befo--wait, what, what am I doing? She can’t hear me anyway. I’m too sleepy for this...

Maybe she can read lips or maybe accidentally speaking to deaf people is the gravest insult possible, I hope not because I would feel bad and, and dungeon. But either way, Shizune huffs silently and reaches into her pocket, producing a now familiar pad of paper and a pen. Still fuming, she scribbles on the first page for a few moments before thrusting it towards us, tilting it towards Hisao to indicate that the message is intended for him.

[I am sorry that your letter took so long to reach you.] It says, in Shizune’s typical, neat handwriting. [It actually arrived some time ago but was misplaced and only found again recently.]

Hisao nods when he finishes reading, he doesn’t look particularly upset. Instead of handing him the pen so he can reply, Shizune pulls the pad back and begins writing again. I half expect her next message to be some kind of subtle remark about how things like mail getting lost wouldn’t happen if the student council had a little extra help. But as she turns the notepad towards us again and I squint to read it, I find that I couldn’t be more wrong.

[However, I must inform the two of you that female students are strictly forbidden from staying overnight in the male students’ dorms. And vice versa.]

Well. “Actually, that’s... never mind.” I mutter, unable to keep from frowning. There actually are exceptions to that rule, but they’re... usually only in the case of siblings. And that doesn’t matter now. That... it doesn’t apply to me anymore.

Hisao thrusts his hands in his pockets, he’s frowning too, although he looks more embarrassed by getting caught than upset. Shizune’s eyes hold a measure of satisfaction as she watches him squirm, but I’m not blushing. I didn't even notice but I've wrapped my arms around myself, just trying not to remember anything about last year. The bad parts, the worst parts, even the good parts are things that I don’t want to think about right now.

It feels like there’s been too much digging in the past today, and it's funny how the little things are the ones that hurt, sometimes. Just something like a change in classification. I don't care if I'm disabled, I don't care if people label me as a cripple, or they think I'm defective. I just wish I wasn't considered an only child now.

Suddenly, there’s a piece of paper being thrust in my face. [However.]

Huh.

[The student council just might be willing to overlook these “occurrences”, if you can provide a convincing argument as to why we should do something so blatantly irresponsible.]

I look up from the pad to the girl holding It, Shizune is adjusting her glasses with her free hand. Her expression still has a playful tinge to it, but there’s no malice behind her eyes. In fact, I don’t think she wants to debate at all, even though... even though debating through Misha would probably be effortless for Shizune, her interpreter’s booming voice would just blast her opponent out of the room to begin with.

No, Shizune doesn’t look like she wants me to present a report on why I should be allowed to crash in my boyfriend’s room. In fact, she looks like she wants a challenge. I’ve heard about the stacks of board games that the student council has lying around, there was that one time the literature club drew straws for who had to go to their room and ask to borrow some for an event. Maybe she’s been itching for a chance to put them to use?

Well I... guess I’ve had some experience with things like that, and it’s better than being flat out shut down, so... so okay. I make a strong effort to keep my eyes open as I look into hers. My hand is trembling a bit, so tired, but I give her a thumbs up.

Shizune smiles widely, I don’t know if I like the look of that. She writes down a few more lines before turning the pad around, displaying her words to both me and Hisao.

[Come to the student council room tomorrow after school.]

I nod and Hisao does too, scratching the back of his head as if he doesn’t quite know what he’s getting into either. But he glances at me. He’s probably thinking back to what happened today, remembering what we talked about. And he knows it would help me a lot if, if I had him there at night, at least once in a while. So he looks like he’s willing to give this a shot.

With things settled, or more, set, Shizune returns the pad to her pocket and then begins walking towards the girls’ dorms--but not before making a pointed gesture for me to come with her. I wasn’t really expecting anything else, with her confidence, there’s no way Shizune would... would let me savor the spoils of victory before actually winning anything. I want to say something in protest, but... yeah. So I take off Hisao’s jacket and hand it to him, here you go spoils. Now I feel like a prisoner condemned to a comfy but empty bed.

His fingers brush against mine as he takes the coat, he gives me a small smile. “I’ll see you tomorrow?” He asks.

“Yeah.” I nod hazily, glancing back at Shizune to make sure she hasn’t left without me. She hasn’t.

“Okay.” Hisao says. “And Suzu? Thanks.”

Thanks? For agreeing to go to the student council room and, and probably stand over a trap door as Shizune and Misha throw darts at us?

No, no he means earlier. At the Shanghai. He means the practice test, and the city.

“Yeah.” I whisper, stealing one more glimpse of his smile, one last look into his eyes before turning to leave.


The walk back to our rooms is silent. Well, of course it is. Shizune doesn’t follow me to my door or anything, maybe she knows that I’m not likely to try to go back across the grounds this late by myself. I stumble into my room, slip out of my clothes and collapse into my bed, completely and utterly exhausted after today.

It doesn’t take long for me to drift off to sleep but I almost wish it did, my dreams are quiet, and dark and cold.

But at least it’s familiar.


Next I Previous I First

[Mirage_GSM]

First of all - smaller chunks of story are fine! You don't have to churn out 20K words at once. That makes it easier with those of us with less free time to keep up.

And then... Why do you have to keep having her regress into depression all the time? I thought that problem had been resolved after the holidays. It's like the story is going in circles again and again...

[Sev'risk'avina]

H'okay, so, the timing of this is perfect for me. I'll start with my response to the newest post (eeeee!) then do a little catch up.

I'm very happy Kenji and Shizune (Mutou too I guess) are popping back up in the story, makes it feel like this is a part (a pseudo-part if you will) of the VN. Since Hisao never really escapes from Misha and Shizune, and considers them friends in a few of the lines (more on that later). And Kenji is Kenji. Don't think I could handle him myself, but he's a great character. Lots of humor potential, even if he is hitting the sauce pretty hard.... maybe even more so.

As to Mirages' words on Suzu slipping into depression, while I have never lost a sibling like that (I have two) one of my childhood friends took his own life a few years back. Every now and then when I find myself doing an activity he particularly liked and I get a little morose. Magic the Gathering is basically ruined for me, so I can extrapolate that kind of feeling to a sibling with out too much effort.

Okay, soap box time. In my last rant I left off with some details regarding my living situation etc. Turns out I got moved in a day late, but fine. In a pretty bang up apartment now, going to university. Or rather I was, for all of one day, before thanksgiving break hit. So I finished the VN (here is the more, the later is now!) more or less. 95% done, but I don't really have the heart to go back and do Rins' other endings. Her story is probably my third favorite now, still behind the Shizune(VN and alpha)/Suzu(this thing right hur) tie. So, yeah, soap box over.

Hope things are going well with your classes. I'm always happy to see an update round these parts, but it obviously has to take a back seat to the real world. So don't burn yourself out going too far one way or another, eh. Some of us users might just find you and lock ya in Shizunes' dungeon till ya finish this if ya do.

No poetry this time, but perhaps a shameless plug for a band I like. I usually can listen to this either when I'm upbeat or feeling down, so it's kind of dynamic. At least for me.

So Long Sentiment - Celldweller
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rszEi81v6Ts