find their way into that girls life for the long run, I'm glad it ended up being as good of a
There should be an apostrophe in girl's, and each of those clauses is independent, so that comma should be a period or a semicolon.
Also, Hisao seems pretty nonreactive in all this. It is true that such a thing makes him easier to relate to, since a reader might inject their own reactions to fill in the blanks, but it also makes the writing less interesting. It's like he's just sitting down and having stories read to him, instead of him acting like it's a real party.
For instance, I thought it would have been cute if, in response to the Shizune/Misha thing, Hisao wrote some stuff about how "he's happy to see that Shizune found someone who can really be there for her, since he knows that feeling as well thanks to Hanako" and then Shizune intentionally took the notepad and left it in a place where Hana would find it, as a kind of game/blackmail for later.
On a more analytic note, Emi gives Hisao a bunch of exposition about her job and her marital status, to which Hisao says "aww that's nice", and then Hisao tells Emi that he and Hana are engaged (not a whole lot compared to the infodump Emi produced), to which she says "aww that's nice", and then Shizoon time.
Anyway, prose-wise, this is a lot better than all that Buckley I remember from the first oneshot I criticized.
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Last edited by Brogurt on Mon Sep 03, 2012 12:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
More or less, his non-reactive nature was sort of intended with Emi, because I truly had no idea how I could really do much with her. I mean really, all there doing is just catching up and not trying to hog up all of the time at the party, as after the next part where he speaks with Rin and Lilly a bit, things will begin getting more fun. It's just supposed to be a quick part to catch up on what happened with the person over four years, more or less, which I'm eventually planning to extend on with some one-shots after I finish the series I hinted that with the phone number dropping, etc.
I do agree with Shizune though, so I may change that up.
OtakuNinja wrote:I waited and this was worth it.
I really hope you'll continue with this fic soon.
Sometime this week it'll be continued. Not quite sure which day yet, might not be until Friday.
I had to write what actually happened in that Shizune scene as a one-shot. It was bugging me so bad that I just had to write it before Wednesday, when I would have my next opportunity to write.
The night has continued to fly forward. There's been a lot of catching up, billiard games, hugs and laughs...
Oh, and drinks.
Lots and lots of drinks.
That being said, I haven't drank too much. Enough to get a buzz, but not enough to get drunk like the others: Misha, Hanako and Lilly look have all gotten progressively more 'bubbly' as the night has worn on. I quit about half way through my third glass of whiskey, as I figure I'll have to be the designated driver for the evening.
Surprisingly, Kenji and Miki are completely sober. The two people who run a bar for a living are the only sober people in the room other than myself. I'm not quite sure whether or not Shizune has managed to get herself tipsy or not, though I guess I should bet that she is if she drank half of the amount Misha has this evening.
The sound in the room has gotten much louder, the soft music being turned up a bit as our voices have all gained in volume with every drink downed. I managed to catch up a bit with Rin a bit before she took an early exit, not all too shocking in the end. She said she lives about two blocks away with her friend, which certainly flew right out of left field, but reassured me in her monotone voice that she'd be perfectly fine getting herself home.
The conversation, much like our ones back at Yamaku, really had no further progress than that information. Something about clouds and white managed to pop up at random points, but those were some of the least odd portions of our 'conversation'.
I figure I'll wait to talk with Lilly until tomorrow morning. Hanako asked me earlier if it was alright for Lilly to come spend the night at our place, which I really didn't mind at all. Will just give us some time to talk to her before she heads back north to her university, a good four hour train ride from here away from here.
I think that would be the most reasonable idea in the end, as her burning red cheeks seem to be a solid indication of her sobriety level at the moment. The same might as well go for Hanako, too, as hers are flushed an even darker shade.
She really has never been one to hold her drinks well. We've had occasions where we'll crack open a bottle of wine, and by the end of it she'll be quite drunk. I guess I shouldn't really be complaining though, as she really does seem to be enjoying herself with Lilly and the rest of the girls.
I lean back in my chair, in a zone as the recap of the night long events roll through my head two, maybe even three times over.
It really has been one hell of a great night, and a shame that it'll be coming to a close soon.
At the same time though, will it be coming to a close?
I feel so much more connected to these people again. I've always heard stories of how friends don't stick together after high school, and was partially scared to get close to others as a result. In the end though, these people were the ones he dragged me out of that shell of solitude - and by dragged, I literally mean just that.
I smirk and shoot a glare at Shizune who's sitting close by, her hand intertwining with Misha's as her booming laugh cracks through the air. Shizune raises her eyebrow at me, and I simply just offer her a wave, attempting to hide my little moment of reminiscence by cramming it to the latter portion of my current train of thought.
Alas, it was to no avail. She gets herself up from her seat and takes a few steps to close the gap between us, giving me a curious glance and scribbling onto her notepad.
[What's so funny, Mister Nakai?]
She impatiently taps her foot as my grin begins to gain strength, and before long, I find myself laughing out loud. Not to keep her waiting long, I write back, hoping I've managed to save myself from the risk of death by her brutal temper.
[Was just remember the good old days of Yamaku, what else would I be laughing at you for?]
She crosses her arms across her chest, giving me an evil stare. I attempt to zip my mouth and rid it of a smile, but I fail miserably. The thought of the two girls, once best friends and now something more, pulling me in various directions while attempting to get me to join student council are hilarious, yet horrifying memories.
Her anger finally gives way to an embarrassed look as I continue to smile and lean back in my chair. She gives me an awkwardly shy smile as she writes me another message.
[I like to think that those days are in the past, thank you very much. Other than my love for kicking everyone's ass at Risk and chess remaining with me, I'd like to think I'm an all around nicer person now.]
Yeah, she had quite a few moments that drove me nuts back at Yamaku. That being said, she was still one of my closest friends by the end of our time there, as was Misha. It was always a package deal with those two; you either accepted them both or neither of them.
I'm glad I chose the former of those two options.
Without writing another note, I pass her the notepad back and wave her off, giving her a smile. She deserves some time with her girlfriend, as well as time to catch up with Emi, who appears to be sitting and having a laughter abundant conversation with Misha.
Lord knows how busy those two are with university, anyways.
She returns the favor, shooting me a somewhat competitive grin as she turns her back and heads back to her seat only a few steps away.
Oh how I've missed that competitive spirit.
Finally, I stand up from my seat for the first time in what feels like an eternity. Across the room stands Hanako, having a conversation with Miki and Lilly. I swear, she hasn't left Lilly's side once tonight, which I guess should have been expected.
Then again, I didn't expect to be here with all of these people tonight, so maybe it shouldn't.
Putting on a thin smile, I head over to the three of them, taking the open space beside Hanako and wrapping my arm around her shoulder. She giggles at my touch, leaning her head onto my shoulder. I lean down and give her a peck on the lips, but decide that'll be the last one of those for a bit.
Her breath smells and tastes distinctly of alcohol, as she is quite apparently drunk. Trying to not worry about it too much, I turn my attention to Miki and Lilly.
"Having a good time tonight, Hisao?" Miki grins and shoots me a sly wink. "You really didn't drink much at all tonight."
"Yeah Hisao, join the fun!" Lilly is uncharacteristically informal with her statement, which actually manages to bother me a bit.
"I'm sorry, Lilly, I have to drive Hanako and you home tonight, remember?" She frowns, looking a bit disappointed in herself. That wasn't exactly what I was going for with what I said, but I guess I can say I am a bit upset about it. If anything, I should have been the one getting wasted with Hanako being the designated driver, but that obviously went out the window rather quickly.
I give a quick look to Hanako, who is still leaning on my shoulder. Her face has retracted from its drunken pleasure into a look of sadness, as if I had just dropped a harsh realization onto her. Her lips twist into a frown, and the effect has fully spread to the two of them.
"S-sorry, Hisao..." She trails off for a moment, her brain processing the situation slower than normal. "I d-didn't think it would b-be a prob-"
I cut her off, shooting down that insinuation fairly fast.
"It's not a problem. I'm just glad you're enjoying yourself." She smiles at me and her eyes plead for another kiss. I grin and settle for her forehead rather than her lips. Miki has remained silent, and just as she's about to speak up, Kenji pops up by her side.
"If you ladies wouldn't mind, could I borrow Hisao for a bit? We need to go for a walk to talk about... erm, manly things." I shoot him a confused glance and Miki giggles in an usually girly manner, drawing all attention to herself.
"Kenji, if you're going to talk about problems in bed, why don't you just-"
"It's not about that! Shit, woman, get your head out of the gutter!" My face feels hot at the topic of conversation, but I'm saved by Kenji heading out of the room, beckoning to come with him.
I follow him through the opening into the main room and out into the crisp night air. As we head off down the sidewalk, silent for a brief moment, he begins to talk.
"I think I got some shit to explain to you, man." Our pace is at the pace of a casual stroll, giving me ample time to shoot him a curious glance.
"What about?" I'm really confused. I mean-
Oh. Now I know why.
"You know damn well what about, bro. I just stopped talking to you and all of that stuff out of the blue, and I need to explain myself." He releases a hefty sigh, rubbing the back of his head out of apparent embarrassment. Without giving me a chance to talk any more, he starts off.
"Shit got real really quick, man. You were off in university as I was living on my own, no steady job or anything. You had and still have a girl in your life, which took me a long time to accept when I was in my hardcore feminist resistance stage - not saying I don't still believe feminists exist, I've just grown to accept them a bit."
"To be honest, I was jealous as hell. My shit was just spiraling down, and trying to actually do something good for our friendship for the first time ever, I decided to not bring you down with me. So, I cut off contact. I stopped answering your calls and all of that because I didn't want you to try and keep me straight - I wanted to try and learn how to get myself out of the shit I was getting into."
He pulls his glasses off and halts, rubbing forehead with his hand. This must be hard for him, as I doubt he really put any thought into what he was going to say.
"I hit rock bottom, man. Drinking every night, running out of money, getting evicted from my apartment - I was fucking living on the streets here for almost an entire week. I tried to stake out some bullshit plan to steal or raid some feminist hideout as a starting point for some money, but that all went down the drain when I stumbled into her."
His eyes don't make contact with me, not like it would matter too much. He stares off into the distance, stars abundant in the night sky. He inhales harshly, sounding as if he's faltering under the pressure of the topic.
Wait a minute.
Kenji?
Crying?
What the hell happened here?
His voice cracks through my line of thought once more.
"I remembered her face, for whatever reason, from back at Yamaku. Couldn't remember the name, but the face was there in my memory. Sitting at the bar, she talked to me late into the night, hearing out my pathetic story and all of that stupid shit. After closing, she offered to let me crash at her place for a few nights. I asked her how I could repay her, and all she smiled and said was 'work for me and you'll be set.'"
An apparent smile is lighting up his face, a couple of tears streaming down his cheeks, only visible by the street lamps along the sidewalk. As I go to speak, he continues his story, apparently not done yet, laughing a bit as he starts.
"I feel so weak right now man. But that fucking woman is an angel if I've ever seen one. She saved me, man. Whatever in her head said it was a smart idea to bring home a drunk, crazy, poor fuck like me I'll never be able to tell you. But, I can tell you one thing, and that's that I am damn glad she did."
"I've been straight ever since. Making decent money and all of that, we hit off. Not long until we're getting married, and god damn I can tell you I'm nervous, bro. All of this has been leading up to the main reason why I brought you out here, though. I know you deserved an explanation, so I gave you that first, but I've got a serious question for you. You can say no if you want, and I'll still be perfectly fine with it."
I grin.
"Kenji, if you're asking if we can start hanging out again, I'd be more than happy to. You were my best friend, you know that right?"
My words apparently take him by surprise.
"Even after all of that shit I put you through? You bailed me out with money more than once, even though you only work part time with school and all of that."
"Would I have given you that money if you weren't someone important to me?"
He pauses for a minute, letting my words sink in. A geniune smile forms on his face - something far different from the devious ones formed during our time at Yamaku.
"I guess not. But, look here man, that's not what I was going to ask about."
I raise my eyebrow. If that's not what he wanted to ask about, then why did he bother explaining all of that to me?
"I need a best man for my wedding, bro. Will you be my best man?"
Oh, that's why.
I step forward and wrap him in the tightest, manliest hug I've given in my life. He returns the favor, patting me on the back as I begin to laugh.
"Of course I will, but on one condition."
"Name it."
"You return the favor for me."
His grin widens even further, looking almost painful.
"Hell yeah, man!"
With that, we grip hands, just like old times when we would go an make some crazy promise or something stupid like that. My mood is the highest it's gone in a long time, and it's generally always good as it is.
"Let's get back to the party. Don't want to keep the ladies waiting to head home, you know?"
I swing around on my heels and begin to head back to the bar, the sidewalk feeling like clouds underneath my feet.
--------------------
The bittersweet good-byes to my old, now reconnected friends are finally finished as I close the car door, an already passed out Hanako and Lilly in the back seat.
Emi put the offer out there once again to Hanako and I to get together and have dinner with her and her husband, leaving me with her phone number and email. With a bit of trouble, she headed out of the bar and flagged down a cab, waving to us all as she headed off down the road.
Shizune gave me a surprisingly tight hug and slipped a note into my hand before saying her good-byes to the rest of the party.
[Remember: Email me or call Misha soon. I want to set up a dinner date sometime. We're only thirty minutes away, so feel free to make plans whenever!]
I gave her a nod and smile, as well as a handshake that she graciously accepted.
Misha bounced up and gave me one large embrace and grin, wishing me happy birthday once more as Shizune and her headed from out the door, hand in hand out to their vehicle on the street.
All that left was Miki and Kenji. Miki gave me an awkward kiss on the cheek and a very tight hug, reminding me that Hanako and I were always welcome to come chill at the bar whenever we wanted. After a big final embrace between Kenji and I was nice, and I made damn sure that he had my number and email so that we could start hanging out again. At this point, Hanako and Lilly had already walked outside to the car, so I make my final exit with a wave and smile, returned by the two of them.
I shake myself from reflecting on the good-byes, knowing that they're the start of something great once again. Smiling, I turn on the ignition and the car kicks to life, and before long we're headed out of town and back down the highway once more.
After an uneventful car ride, and the unfortunate situation of having to wake up a cranky Hanako and Lilly, we all head into the apartment, Lilly passing out nearly at the exact moment that she hits the couch. Hanako stumbles off into the bedroom, kissing me good night and asking me to not be long.
I turn into the kitchen for a moment and fumble in my pocket, taking out a piece of paper that was neatly folded up inside. I unfold it and pin it underneath a magnet onto the side of a fridge, heading back out of the kitchen with careful steps out of worry that I'll wake Lilly up.
A picture of the nine friends from Yamaku, all reunited in one place now hangs on the side of our fridge, a fond reminder of a memory that will stick around with me for the rest of my life.
(end of series)
Last edited by YourFavAnon on Thu Sep 13, 2012 6:19 am, edited 3 times in total.
I know writing dialogue for Rin is hard, but I'd prefer if you actually have it a try. Plus, it looks like it's all trying to be way too saccharine with all the other girls finding love. I don't want to pretend that Hisao is a superhero, and THE ONLY ONE who can be there for these girls, but maybe if Rin just found a friend that could understand her, it would sit better with me. Besides, Emi herself says that Rin doesn't differentiate between "friend" and "boyfriend" or "girlfriend".
>her hand intertwining with Misha's as her booming laugh cracks through the air
Pronoun usage. There's no way Shizune has a booming laugh
>[Was just remember
-ing
>these peopel tonight, so maybe it shouldnt't.
Are these drunk thoughts or something?
He stares off into the distance, stars abundant in the night sky tonight. He inhales harshly, sounding as if he's faltering under the pressure of the topic.
Wait a minute.
Kenji?
Crying?
I'm impressed by how real this scene became with so few words. But I gotta point out that "the night sky tonight"... is a problem.
>No Lilly dialogue either
I know she's boring but the catching up could have been interesting, and we could have been given a look at how she views lol relationships; particularly, the one between the best girl and the master of romance.
It wasn't really the whole fact of not liking writing Rin or Lilly here, it was actually thinking about how to write them without being redundant and overly linear in the story. The idea that he bounces around from talking to one girl, to the next, to the next, to the next was actually the original idea when I thought out how to write this part generally, and I scrapped it literally as I began writing today.
I may write up a quick epilogue or extra about the next day where Hisao and Lilly have a bit of a talk while Hanako is still passed the fuck out, but that won't be written for a little.
Glad you enjoyed the Kenji scene though, wrote that one on the fly. I had the general idea that I wanted a portion of this to be like that, and it ended much better than I was expecting.
Brogurt wrote:>her hand intertwining with Misha's as her booming laugh cracks through the air
Pronoun usage. There's no way Shizune has a booming laugh
And she doesn't. When you use a pronoun, it automatically refers back to the most recently used noun—in this case, Misha. But that does mean that the next sentence should specify that it's still Shizune being referred to.
I found out about Katawa Shoujo through the forums of Misfile. There, I am the editor of Misfiled Dreams.
Completed: 100%, including bonus picture. Shizune>Emi>Lilly>Hanako>Rin
