Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[Total Destruction]

I wish you good luck in everything, and, well, maybe you could get a job or something that could make you spend less time at home. Go to college in a different city, get a part-time job, etc. Whatever it is, just make sure that you want to do it.

Summed up better than I can manage. Welcome to the HBHC.

[AManWhoWantsToFeel]

I'm afraid at this point moving would be rather out of the question. For one, I have no funds, and finding a job where I live that is willing to hire you with no experience, (18 year old fresh out of high school, going into college,) is exponentially more difficult than I could have ever anticipated. I'm currently using a job placement center and I intend to check the work force center at my college once I get there as resources, but I'm told by the job placement center that newbies are in low demand these days with the economy the way it is, and immigrants willing to do the work full time. Nonetheless I solider forward with an empty pocket and a young man's charm to light my way, gotta stay positive and such.

I've already thrown my eggs in the community college basket, at least for this semester, since It's already past the deadline for me to recoup my tuition and books. Plus, the only friend I know who lives far away is the guy I helped get back on his feet. While he's much healthier emotionally, he's fucked in terms of cash, and as such already has 2 room mates. I don't think he's in a position to start making evictions, and I'm told one of the roomies is an ex. Don't really want to be there when that powder keg goes off.

Right now my plan is to continue my soft workout, (NOT EMI INSPIRED but she added a slight kick in to my ass to keep it up, light jogging, light strength training etc.), get better at my drawing (I've always doodled weird stuff, but I've had problems with realism and copying things,) maybe get a GF, and get my shit together with enough strength left over to brush myself off and carry on to a better life.

I need a fair bit of help with the last part, and a medium amount with the GF part, but I think I can swing it eventually. I have to say that getting all that shit off my chest really took a load off. The feels are gone, and I can actually kinda smile when I see Emi's adorable face. I very much empathize with the rest of you guys here, even if my experience may have been different. I feel really bad about some of the things I've done to hurt other people, and those of you that have been bullied don't deserve any of the shit you get. The worst thing a kid is capable of is being mean to another kid for being different and I can't say I was strong enough to reach out from the crowd and lend a hand.

I thank you for your suggestions, and I have thought about carrying them out, but at this point I think I've got too many commitments to pack up shop in the short term. Maybe I'll stick around after all; after looking at more of your guy's stuff, I think I kinda like the atmosphere here.

SIDE NOTE:

By the way, played the Rin path, holy shit was that some kind of journey. Like 2 slaps to the face, a kick in the stomach, before they melt your heart and offer you a hand off the ground. I didn't get any self revelations like I did with Emi's, but Christ did I get walloped with that one, had to sit in silence for a bit to recollect myself when I thought she was gonna kill herself in act 3 (what with my fantastic and diverse experience with the subject and all). I feel she kinda helped me "get" my brother. My brother has a hard time understanding emotions and other people's intentions; he doesn't have those Rin-esque quips that I found endearing, but in a way I think they're a kind of kindred spirit. He responds to things he doesn't understand with pulling his hair and having temper tantrums, and she paints/draws (I think he needs a hobby ). Are they sure she isn't a little, pardon the expression, autistic?

FINAL NOTE: (Seriously this time.)

I think I should change my name, I think it sounds kinda pathetic and I wasn't coherent when I made it.

[Magnenntae]

Sorry for posting here right after another guy, I just couldn't wait any longer. If you have any more advice for the fellow above me, please don't hesitate to give it to him just because I'm here, even if you don't have any advice for me.


About a month and a half ago, I decided I was going to do this thing my friend found called monk month, basically you don't do a bunch of stuff, like electronics, for a month, and eat healthy, in the hope of attaining enlightenment or something like that. I just thought it would be nice to force myself to take a break from most of my life and stuff. I decided to play KS again, before I started, since I would probably get the feels, and time away from electronics would sort of force me to reflect on what exactly "the feels" were. So, I decided to play Lilly's route, and I loved it, by the way, I beat it within a week, and I was anticipating catching the feels all the way through it, but they never came, by the end of the route, I decided that was something I was sort of glad about, but I was also a little disappointed as well. On the other hand KS got me thinking a lot, about girls, and romance, and personality and all that stuff. So I started stressing out about my personality, and I talked to my mum and sister about it and then I learned that I shouldn't have been worried about it in the first place.

My family and I ended up going on vacation before I got a chance to start monk month. While I was there I played/read through Hanako's route, Hanako's route didn't give me the feels either, in fact, I didn't really like it all that much compared to the others. While I was playing through it, I started worrying about my feelings towards Lilly, which i kinda talked about a little more in my thread here. (yeah i know it's dumb) But anyway, after I finished Hanako's route I started feeling strange and bad for no discernible reason. (see thread above) After I made the thread I was feeling better, but when I talked to my sister about my reading retention (which i learned is really awful) and we discussed ways I could improve it, I started feeling worse. To quote my journal entry from then (I actually haven't made another one since then) "I'm getting more worked up about my reading problems than I should, maybe it has something to do with the way I've been feeling."

So, it's been something like 40 days since then, it doesn't seem like that long, but it has been, I guess, and if I recall correctly, I haven't been emotionally stable since I was on vacation. The time between my last entry and about four days ago seem like a blur to me. But four days ago I woke up just feeling awful, I still couldn't figure out what was making me feel bad, I've never been able to, not since 40 days ago. I felt really really depressed for no reason that I could figure out, and I was just sobbing and I didn't know why, if my mom hadn't of found me like that and made me go on a walk with her I would have spent the entire day in my bed. After she had me do some activities I felt a lot better, and It was amazing to me that I could have felt like that a few hours ago. Two days ago my father took me out of town, to buy me some clothes and to see a movie, I was generally feeling sort of bad, but I went with him, partially because he wanted me to, and partially because I really needed new clothes. That day strange things were switching my moods around, I would be feeling bad and then notice something insignificant, and then feel better, or vice versa. For example, during the movie, it was actually a documentary, so I didn't need to pay that much attention, I realized that I really needed to read this national geographic article on evolution, and then figure out if i'm christian, or what; and somehow, that made me feel really good. For another example, more insignificant this time, my dad took me into a Dillard's to look at some clothes, and I noticed all of the mannequins were wearing two polos with both collars popped, I decided that was really stupid looking, and then I suddenly felt much worse. That day I felt sort of sad all the way through, if I was feeling happy then it wouldn't take more than an hour for me to feel sad again, and if I was feeling especially sad, then it would take a long while for me to feel "sort of sad" again, unless i thought of something that made me especially happy.

Yesterday I woke up feeling worse than the day before, I went into the livingroom to go do something I don't remember, and then my family decided to watch a movie, I stuck around for a bit, and then I started thinking about friendship or something and started feeling really good. It took me no more than fifteen minutes to return to the way I had been feeling before. I decided that I was kind of tired, and so I went to my room to lay down. I started feeling worse, and then I fell asleep, I think. I woke up, or something, I got out of bed and was feeling good, but quickly returned to feeling bad, and went back to lay down. I rested more, and then woke up again at around nine or ten PM. I felt awful, and at eleven I was holding back tears. Then I felt a lot better for about ten minutes, and then I was back to how I was. I talked to my mum about it, and how I couldn't figure out the reason I was feeling like that, and she told me that I might be depressed, like, chronically, and she's planning on scheduling a trip to the psychologist or something. And that's why I'm writing this at 6:30 in the morning, I can't wait any longer, it's eating me alive.

I don't know what to do, I really don't want it to be chronic depression, and if it is, why would it just come out now? Why can't there just be a reason, that I can figure out and then fix and feel like I did before all of this happened. What if there is a reason, and I just can't figure it out. I feel like there was something else I was going to request help with about this situation, but I can't remember it.

I'm sorry if anything is phrased strangely or if there are grammatical errors or anything else that makes it difficult for you guys to read, after writing that I feel mentally exhausted, and while I want to post it now, I'm much too tired to proof-read the entire thing. I might fix it, or add some more later.

[OtakuNinja]

My last update if nothing sad happens:

I came early to school today. Met an old friend of mine who reminds me a lot of Emi. Went to the cafeteria with her and another girl from our old class. Which basically means... The last 4 days I've dined with the top 3 bishojos from my middle school days. :') The other girl is a lot like Hanako. Whenever she smiles or laughs, I get the feels (That's why she portrays Hanako in my cast list in case I ever get to do a fan movie ^^'). And the girl from my last update is the Rin-ish girl. So I've practically dined with Rin, Emi and Hanako. But sadly no Lilly...

[Walrusfella]

Small story/update thing:

Yesterday I was at a local warhammer tournament and they were giving "Best sportsman" award. And I actually won it. I have always been "the shy/quiet guy" so I was actually really suprised that I won it. Anyway, I was really happy about it so I thought I would share this. It's weird really. Feels weird that people think that im a nice and/or fun guy. But it made me really happy to win this.

Nice! Congratulations. Good competitors appreciate a gentlemanly opponent, someone who can win humbly and lose graciously. They obviously thought well of you. The Emperor protects!

Cut for space only

Thanks for posting your story Magnenntae. What you describe unfortunately sounds a lot like depression, though not necessarily chronic. There are a lot of people who have one episode of it, get treatment, and it never troubles them again. The unexplained mood shifts, listlessness, memory problems, and the other things you describe definitely rate at least an initial visit to a doctor, which I urge you to go do. It could at least rule it out, or it could set your mind more at ease by knowing what the problem is.

Bear in mind that I'm not a doctor, a nurse, or anything medical at all. I do have a lot of experience with depression, however. I've never suffered from it in particular but my wife, my best friend, my father, and my sister all have it to varying degrees.

There is a lot of stigma surrounding depression. The key thing to remember is that it is an illness like any other. It's not a weakness or some sort of moral failing; it's something people can come down sick with. It needs treatment and time to heal, and is not something one can "snap out" of. If (BIG if) depression is indeed the source of your problem, it is not your fault or something you did wrong. As for why it surfaced now, well, people can get sick at any time.

One theme in your story does bode well - you seem to have good and supportive parents, and a sister that you can talk about important things with. That will help immensely.

[Keyalha]

I wanted to drop back into this thread just to leave a little thanks to people who read and responded to my earlier posting after geting a bit of distraction and playing another VN i finally got back up on my feet due to some encouragment and now im doing a neat little fanfic soon! I can write again! Thanks everyone for listingening and keep hanging in there whatever you may suffer now im the prove that things can get better *waves*

[Beoran]

Magnenntae, thank you for your story. It sound like you're having some mood swings as of lately, but those could be caused by many things. It could be the impact of playing KS, but if you're worried, first visit a doctor about it, get your blood checked, etc. The brain is also part of the body and can also become ill at times, so take care of yourself. I hope things will start to go better with you.

Today, I started my new job. The work is interesting enough, the colleagues are fine, but I already worked overtime and 45 minutes by train is quite far away. Thn again I did manage to do some programming for my Eruta game project on the train in the morning, so that was OK at least.

[Magnenntae]

Thank you both for your responses.

You said that a lot of people get treatment and never have trouble with it again, but what exactly is treatment?
The only opening to the doctor's if a few weeks from now, they said they're going to try to work me in sooner though. But in the meantime, what should I do? I mean, should I just sleep and do whatever I feel like, or should I try to force myself to do more active and social stuff?

[Tomate]

Thank you both for your responses.

You said that a lot of people get treatment and never have trouble with it again, but what exactly is treatment?
The only opening to the doctor's if a few weeks from now, they said they're going to try to work me in sooner though. But in the meantime, what should I do? I mean, should I just sleep and do whatever I feel like, or should I try to force myself to do more active and social stuff?

If you want to be more social you can try to, if you feel uncomfortable being social then you should stop. Its not healthy to let people decide how socially inclined you are. We live in a society that encourages people to be outgoing and sees the loner and the introvert as freakish but at the same time exalts the loner as a unsung hero. Its messed up.

[Total Destruction]

storytime

Gonna second a visit to the doc, just 'cause. (I oughta practice what I preach, even though aside from muscle cramps from constant walking and jogging, I'm surprisingly fine.) That said, sometimes funks just happen. I dunno, man, maybe there is some underlying cause for just feeling mentally and physically down, but brief moments of "Man, this SUCKS" are a legit thing and you just gotta ride it out.

You seem like you've got a pretty boss family, though, so that's definitely a plus.

Like I said, hang in there, get a physical maybe, talk to someone about mental hangups if ya gotta. Savvy?

[Gandara]

'Allo ladies and gents. I'm hoping this is a safe haven here, but I must keep this vague simply due to paranoia.

So... there's a girl I've met at a place I go to often. She is incredibly cute, has a great personality, and is, somewhat surprisingly, into a lot of the same hobbies as me. She's a nerd, and she's pretty dang awesome from what I can tell so far.

She's also single, according to ye olde Facebook.

So, I've started to talk with her and, while I wouldn't call us "friends" yet, I'd say we're acquaintances moving in a good direction towards eventual friendship. I would most certainly like to take a risk at making it something more than that, but the ever-present concern of making things awkward pries at the back of my mind. If unsuccessful, I doubt she'd even want to even be friends anymore.

My older brother, a much more experienced veteran of the dating game, tells me that I should ask her out by the third time I see her or else I'm in the friendzone. I've seen her twice, and lucky number three is coming up soon.

So I ask my brothers and sisters of the Club of Broken Hearts, wat do? Should I just throw caution to the wind, fuck the consequences and ask her out? Or should I continue doing things the normal friend-like way?

[Magnenntae]

snip

I've got no experience with dating, and I'm pretty bad with people in general, but I suppose I could give my two cents. I think that three meetings is really too soon, but it all depends on how long the meeting have been, and how well you think you know each other. I think getting to know a person before you ask them out is the better way to go, because if you start going out with someone, and then, as you learn more about them, you realize that you don't really like them all that much from a romantic point of view, then you're going to have to break up eventually, and that'll just cause heartbreak if she doesn't feel the same way.
Of course, take everything I've said with a grain of salt, I really don't know what i'm talking about.


They were able to work me in today at the medical center near here. But there's a bit I have to explain before I go any further, so that it'll make sense:
I've had social anxiety since I was about 7, and so I've been on a low dosage of a medication called prozac for about three years, I think. Prozac is an anti-depressant, but it's also used to treat social anxiety disorders. My mother has clinical depression, and is on multiple anti-depressants because of that, her mother, and her mother's two brothers are also on anti-depressants, from what I understand.

Anyway, today we went to the children's services area of the medical center, we spoke to a nurse who asked me about my symptoms and then told me that hereditary depression tends to start up around age 15, and my 15th birthday is two months, so that might be a reason. Then she told me that depression isn't an illness that can be diagnosed through bloodwork or cat-scans or anything else like that, and that you just have to pay attention to the symptoms and all that. After a brief wait, we went to go see my actual doctor, ( he might be a psychologist or something, i'm not entirely sure.) when we entered he was reading over my information on the computer, we sat down and he asked about the schedule that I was taking my medication on and other bits about my medication, and then he prescribed thirty milligrams of prozac a day instead of my usual twenty, that means three pills instead of two. And then requested that I try to take my pills on a regular schedule, preferably in the mornings, instead of just whenever I remember to take them, which is what i've been doing lately. And I guess that's supposed to get me out of this depression slump or something? Anyway, the nurse reccomended I start seeing a counselor, though it's my decision whether I want to actually go through with it and start seeing a counselor regularly. I'm not sure about it, I'm not very comfortable around people I don't know well, especially people in the medical profession, it's like their overly-friendly demeanor is unsettling, sometimes I feel like it's more of a pre-rehearsed routine instead of actual friendliness.

I'm really wondering what caused this and if I might be able to get off medication, but I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to get an answer for either of those questions.
Whereas before I spent most of my time hanging out with my best friend, lurking forums, playing videogames, listening to music and occasionally watching anime all I feel like doing now is sleeping and watching cr1tikal's videos. I was hoping i'd finally be able to finish watching K-ON! or something but thinking about watching it makes me feel this strange sort of anxiety, same thing with more character-based RPG games. I don't know what the deal is, hopefully it will stop or I'll be able to figure it out and resolve it soon.

If you want to be more social you can try to, if you feel uncomfortable being social then you should stop. Its not healthy to let people decide how socially inclined you are. We live in a society that encourages people to be outgoing and sees the loner and the introvert as freakish but at the same time exalts the loner as a unsung hero. Its messed up.

I just meant like talking to my friend and going to the store and the sort of things I would usually do but don't feel like doing as of recently.

And thank you for your input as well, Total Destruction. Speaking of hang-ups, if and when I do have mental hangups or whatever, you guys wouldn't mind if I sort of come here to vent or tell what's getting me especially down or whatever, would you?

[Nyzer]

My older brother, a much more experienced veteran of the dating game, tells me that I should ask her out by the third time I see her or else I'm in the friendzone. I've seen her twice, and lucky number three is coming up soon.

Mn. Well, I don't know that the "friend zone" exists in that manner as a universal rule. If she's someone who would share interests with you and who might be interested in you, I don't think it'd matter if you and she were friends for a while at first as you got to know each other. Honestly, I'd probably consider that to be ideal, really. Someone who would "friend zone" someone probably isn't worth pursuing, really - wouldn't it just make more sense to be interested in the people you know you have a fair bit in common with, as opposed to someone you barely know? It doesn't make any sense to me, really. There's, y'know, the physical attraction aspect, but unless you're someone who's not interested in having a relationship at this time, that's kind of a stupid thing to have as your main priority for being interested in someone.

On the other hand, dropping a hint that you're interested in her might get her thinking about it if she's not already, or it might give her some confidence if she is.

So... I might not suggest outright asking her out, unless you feel comfortable enough around her to do so, but maybe drop some hints somehow? Ask your brother for advice on that one, maybe, because my experience... pfft. Man, don't go there.

(What I know of that particular theory of the friend zone is that it's the "two ladders" theory. Basically, if you ever want to have any hope in dating someone, you need to tell/show them you're interested from the very first day you meet them, or real close to it. Otherwise, you start to climb up the "friendship" ladder instead of the "potential romance" one, and there's no going down and no jumping to the other ladder. While asking someone out early on might speed up the process for someone who's interested in you from the first day as well, it might also come across as a little creepy for them. Really, it almost has the feeling of a blind date, if you ask me. So is that girl someone who's open to dating people she's just met, or blind dating? If so, she might go for it. If not? You've probably made things awkward. Personally, I'd rather get to know someone first before getting into a relationship, and while dating is part of getting to know someone... eh, I'd rather have some foundation before going to that, myself.)

Speaking of hang-ups, if and when I do have mental hangups or whatever, you guys wouldn't mind if I sort of come here to vent or tell what's getting me especially down or whatever, would you?

What? No, you can't do this. The only thing you're allowed to discuss in the HBHC are cat videos on Youtube, and any deviance from this policy results in beatings with plastic bags.

[Auratus]

Well. It quite satisfying to see one who needs help end up helping other. Me included.

Magnenntae: For some reasons I experienced some sleepy-headache while playing KS and shiver and crying for no reason after finished it. I past that period partly because of this thread especially crying. But I think you do have depression, and it might sound cold but it is in your gene. I might have to compare you with Rin. Rin isn't made to draw like normal people, like you aren't made to happy, like man aren't made to fly. But human can "fly" now. So having depression like that doesn't mean you can't happy again. You should be more optimistic about life. I don't know how depression can affect moods. But I used to sad without reason. So I can only suggest that you should keep getting treatment. Whatever it is.

[Juonkiku]

Hello everyone, this will be a first to me, speaking in a public forum about my own problems etc... I won't go too much into details, but after reading a few other posts here, I felt obligated to share atleast a little of my own experience and 'woes'

The past few years of my life, 4 and a half to be exact, have honestly felt like I was living in a dream. Everything felt perfect. I attended university for a year, met people who actually liked me (something that I had struggled with throughout my secondary school and sixth form years, I was a social outcast) and changed from this quiet person who avoids people to actually enjoying being around groups of people (small groups of people, 3-4 at most, but it was a start). The second year of my university course was turned on its head when the course head changed the layout of the course. A lot of people adapted easily, a lot also had to put in a lot of hard work to get back on track, I was one of the people that didn't cope. However, that did not affect me. I'd found myself someone who made me happy. Someone who I could spend my life with in enjoyment, regardless of whether or not I struggled with university. With my struggles at the course becoming worse, I left half way through the second year. The stress lifted and things felt like they were better.

The time after leaving University until six months ago felt like something out of a dream. I didn't have a job, a lot of money, but I had someone who I could share happiness with. It felt like it would never end.

At the start of this year, we had become friends with someone while playing games (we were both online gamers), we got to know him well and trusted each other a lot. At least, I thought I knew him, just as I thought I knew her, something that came back to bite me. As I said, until six months ago, it was like a dream. After that point, I finally got a job, which I still have luckily. During which time, she began cheating on me with him, and slowly talking/interacting with me less and less. She planned to leave me while I was at work, the plan which I had managed to pry out of her after insisting her to tell me what was wrong, which was the same time that I found out about them.

With her gone, and me pushing away all of those in contact with her and him, I secluded myself away from company again, for about two months. To be honest, I no longer feel self worth, have no confidence around people, and no longer trust people that I meet. I have no wish to become committed to people again, nor to actually try becoming close to anyone. At least at the end of the day, I have not ever considered doing something rash, but I do wonder why I didn't and still don't.

I don't want people to have pity for me, as I said, after reading what others have wrote, it felt like I should at least give people a little insight to another's life.

Random note: Also this week I had a bike accident on my way home from work and have torn the muscles in my right fore-arm, so can't even go to work atm .