Former Sisterhood thread

[Guest Poster]

Thanks.

[nemz]

>You will never have a skullgun installed
>You will never kill someone without so much as raising a finger
>You will never have orange; you will be stuck forever with lemon-lime

Better to go down fighting than end up a sad iron golem sold in flee markets to scare children. I ain't mad, Gunther.

[hanakoikezawalover]

I had to make an account to express my gratitude to you for writing this amazing piece of KS fanfic. This provided me with more closure and now my feels aren't as bad!:D

[Guest Poster]

Thanks. Glad to hear you enjoyed it and I'm flattered you made an account to post that.

[Spry]

This is golden, and I still wonder why I haven't read this when it first came out. You did a great job writing this story.

[Guest Poster]

Thanks. Good to hear you enjoyed reading it.

[Juonkiku]

Just finished reading this. I actually had to double-take from the fact that its 'Fan Fiction'. The story feels genuine and blends well into the canon of Katawa Shoujo, so much so that its surprising (hence the double-take). I'd have loved to have gone through the various chapters of the story in the game itself, it would have been the utmost pleasure to do so. If you do decide to write more to this (regardless of you tagging it as completed), I will look forward to it.

[precurser]

So, I just made an account so I could post on this thread. I just read this, and it's definitely one of the best fanfics I've read, if not the best. Don't know what else to say to get this point across. It's actually almost unfortunate, because it's the first KS fanfic I've read, and it's setting a high bar for anything else I read here.

[Guest Poster]

Thanks for the kind words guys. Hearing people say it feels like a natural extension of Hanako's route is pretty much the highest praise an epilogue fanfic can get.

If you do decide to write more to this (regardless of you tagging it as completed), I will look forward to it.

I haven't really decided yet. I'd need to have a clear and accurate idea of where I'd want to take the story... (and obviously I'd need to feel like spending another two and a half months or so worth of writing on it...I probably wouldn't post it chapter for chapter)

[BlackWaltzTheThird]

Okay, I meant to go to bed a while ago, but I decided to finish this instead of stopping at the end of the first page. What can I say that hasn't been said already? To channel Richie Benaud; marrrvelous. I very much liked the parallels your fic drew to other routes, Lilly's in particular. There was one person who summed it up quite nicely as being "a Hanako bad end and a Lilly good end inside a Hanako good end." And best of all, it felt like it fit perfectly within the mould of Katawa Shoujo; a natural extension to the story as if it had been written by cpl_crud himself. Okay, maybe that's going a bit too far. I'll leave that to the man himself to decide.

In spite of all the wonderful things your fic has brought me this night, there a a few issues I have with it. There are a great number of times wherein you randomly switch between present and past tense, and personally I think the "recount everything that happened offscreen" trope is a bit too heavily ustilised here. In addition, at times it was hard to follow conversations or trains of thought, due to the formatting. While I understand your rationale for the use of the parentheses, I object to their purpose. You're writing from the point of view of a character; the narration is their thoughts and vice versa. If they think something and it sounds spoken, perhaps it ought to be rephrased such that it fits as prose instead. Oh and there were some typos and such as well but they're really a non-issue in this scale.

Wow, long post. Uh, yeah. Great work. 10/10 would read again. Also Brogurt, if you see this, I'll get to yours soon. Maybe on the weekend. I'm kind swamped with Uni at the moment.
Cheers, BlackWaltz.

[Brogurt]

Also Brogurt, if you see this, I'll get to yours soon. Maybe on the weekend. I'm kind swamped with Uni at the moment.

You know me way to well. I've been trying to find a reason to read this 18 chapter monster, but so far I haven't been able to convince myself. So I've been checking the comments, and two things have come up.

"A Hanako bad end and a Lilly good end"

If this means that Hanako doesn't get her happily ever after and Lilly does instead, I'd have a right to be upset. And it's hard to imagine criticism being so positive if this only refers to a meltdown over whiteknighting and an airport chase. My evidence being that the immediate response to my own rooftop dash was "lel ripoff". Which it was, but still.

Also there's the aimless praise I've been seeing. I won't deny that some of it seems legit, but I subscibe to a guy on youtube who commented with the single word "good" on nearly every single Sonic the Hedgehog "It's My Life" by Bon Jovi AMV on the site.

On parenthesis, I'm inclined to agree that () these kind of parenthesis are bad. But take a look at this.

He (at least it looks like a he) offers me his hand.

He -at least it looks like a he- offers me his hand.

He, at least it looks like a he, offers me his hand.

"at least it looks like a he" is a parenthetical statement in all of these, and all of them work, some being less obtrusive than others in different scenarios. Now, I don't know which ones were in the prose, but I think I remember Guest Poster saying he hadn't written in a while, so maybe this is helpful.

As for my own changes, I havent done them yet, and won't for a while. So don't feel any obligations.

[Dawnstorm]

"A Hanako bad end and a Lilly good end"

If this means that Hanako doesn't get her happily ever after and Lilly does instead, I'd have a right to be upset. And it's hard to imagine criticism being so positive if this only refers to a meltdown over whiteknighting and an airport chase.

Don't cling to that phrase. You'll likely get the wrong idea (though it sort-of makes sense after you read it).

The story:

- is a Hanako good end, and remains a Hanako good end
- introduces us to her Therapist
- picks up on a lot of issues that come up now and then in Hanako/Lilly threads and handles them in character

Guest poster went through both Hanako's and Lilly's routes with fine comb to identify the lose threads and wove them into a coherent whole. In this sense, it's a continuation of the VN. It isn't really a continuation of the VN, because of focus and narrative method. We get multiple first person (Hisao, Hanako and Lilly); Hanako's the centre here, with Hisao and Lilly being equally important relationships (with maybe a slight emphasis on Lilly, considering the title, though I don't remember it like that). Each of them do have their own issues (as addressed in the VN).

It's been a while since I read this story, so I may have misrepresented one or two elements. But this should describe what you get without spoiling the story.

Finally, if I'm not mistaken, this fanfic contains a reference to the 80ies arcade game Pooyan. Decide for yourself if you want to read it.

On parenthesis, I'm inclined to agree that () these kind of parenthesis are bad. But take a look at this.

He (at least it looks like a he) offers me his hand.

He -at least it looks like a he- offers me his hand.

He, at least it looks like a he, offers me his hand.

"at least it looks like a he" is a parenthetical statement in all of these, and all of them work, some being less obtrusive than others in different scenarios.

The parenthesis aren't used like that. They're used a bit like most people today use italics: to indicate direct thought. And, no, they didn't work for me either. But there aren't too many of them, so that's little more than an occasional distraction.

The problem here isn't typography, but point of view. Take this:

I hear a whoosh from my sister’s direction, followed by several short splashes in the distance.

(Is she skipping rocks?)

I can't tell what difference the brackets are supposed to make. They might indicate that Lilly (= narrator and point-of-view character) actually had that very thought back then, formulated in her mind, rather than that story-telling Lilly is imposing the question. But the difference seems academic, to me. If you delete the brackets, you get the same effect, IMO, especially since it's present tense narration anyway (which has that in-the-moment feel anyway). The brackets (or - more conventionally - italics) might make more sense in past tense narration (though I doubt it).

Mostly, I just think the brackets are redundant. You get the same effect without them. (There may be exceptions; it's a huge story.)

Were I an editor, I'd suggest the following edit:

I hear a whoosh from my sister's direction, followed by several short splashes in the distance. Is she skipping rocks?

I get no different feeling from that and it's easier to read.

[Guest Poster]

Okay, I meant to go to bed a while ago, but I decided to finish this instead of stopping at the end of the first page. What can I say that hasn't been said already? To channel Richie Benaud; marrrvelous. I very much liked the parallels your fic drew to other routes, Lilly's in particular. There was one person who summed it up quite nicely as being "a Hanako bad end and a Lilly good end inside a Hanako good end." And best of all, it felt like it fit perfectly within the mould of Katawa Shoujo; a natural extension to the story as if it had been written by cpl_crud himself. Okay, maybe that's going a bit too far. I'll leave that to the man himself to decide.

Thanks. Glad to hear you enjoyed it.

In spite of all the wonderful things your fic has brought me this night, there a a few issues I have with it. There are a great number of times wherein you randomly switch between present and past tense,

Well noted. Truth is, I'm not a native english speaker and this was probably one thing that spelling and grammar checkers don't filter out. Still, good point and point taken.

and personally I think the "recount everything that happened offscreen" trope is a bit too heavily ustilised here.

Any specifics? There were a few things that were written out (like Hisao and Hanako playing specific games and commenting shortly on each and, more prominently, the whole thursday that took place in the hospital) and I decided to scrap them because the chapter they were part of was already running long enough as it was. Some things were "told, not shown" with brevity in mind. And I realize I'm in a weird position to say this, given the fact the story's rather large. Other things (a large part of the Hokkaido trip) I considered writing but I left them out because they pretty much mirrored the events in Lilly's route and I figured too large a part of it would feel like "seen that already" to the reader. I skipped over the first date because I couldn't really find a way to make what Hisao himself admitted was a rather run-of-the-mill experience sound like an exciting read. There was already another date planned as part of the story after all.

In addition, at times it was hard to follow conversations or trains of thought, due to the formatting. While I understand your rationale for the use of the parentheses, I object to their purpose. You're writing from the point of view of a character; the narration is their thoughts and vice versa. If they think something and it sounds spoken, perhaps it ought to be rephrased such that it fits as prose instead.

By the formatting, do you strictly mean the parentheses? (It was brought to my attention some of the chapters exceeded the length the forum software could display them without problems for all users, but I'm not one of the users affected by this supposed glitch, so I failed to notice it) If so, point taken.

Anyway, thanks for the comments.


And erm...

"at least it looks like a he" is a parenthetical statement in all of these, and all of them work, some being less obtrusive than others in different scenarios. Now, I don't know which ones were in the prose, but I think I remember Guest Poster saying he hadn't written in a while, so maybe this is helpful.

That's not what they were referring to, I think. The parentheses are used to enclose entire sentences that are direct thoughts. (as in, spoken lines that simply aren't spoken) They're a stylistic choice that some of the readers ended up disagreeing with.

Also there's the aimless praise I've been seeing. I won't deny that some of it seems legit, but

I assume you're not going to point out which posts are legit and which ones aren't?

If this means that Hanako doesn't get her happily ever after and Lilly does instead, I'd have a right to be upset.

Maybe, maybe not. I'm not gonna say whether you're warm or cold.

No offense, but your post baffles me a bit. I get the impression that you'd like to come up with an opinion, since you are a very frequent commenter on Hanako-related fanfics, but since you mentioned the story is too large for you to read, you're instead trying to base it on other people's posts here...which hasn't been succesful since most are not extremely specific and boil down to "I enjoyed reading this". Isn't it better, if you're not gonna read it, to simply say "I'm not gonna attempt to discuss something I haven't experienced myself" and leave it at that? Because trying to piece together an opinion on the bits and pieces of other people's posts, in addition to being a very convoluted way of going about something, leaves you in a somewhat poor position to comment on the legitimacy of other people's statements here.

Edit:

The skipping rocks part you bring up is actually an exception. Most of them are more direct thoughts. Eh, it's kinda to point out.

[Dawnstorm]

The skipping rocks part you bring up is actually an exception. Most of them are more direct thoughts. Eh, it's kinda to point out.

I'm not sure whether you're actually talking to me, or whether you've drawn together Brogurt's and my post, but:

Maybe. If you're interested I can go through a couple of brackets in the text and tell you how I reacted to them. Not sure how useful that would be, though. I might just not get it.

For the record: I did read all of your story, and I liked it a lot (one of the best I've read, and certainly the one closest to the original source). I remember stumbling over quite a few brackets, but it's been quite a while, and also I can't tell you over how many brackets I did not stumble (since you tend not to notice things that work, while reading). I simply took the first eligible bracket I found. (There's an earlier one, but it's in a paragraph that's also got tense shifts, so it's more complex and less suited to be an example.) In any case, the bracket thing is a real minor distraction for me. Doesn't hurt the story at all.

[Guest Poster]

That last part was adressed to you, you posted a few seconds before I clicked my submit button.

Anyway, dunno about usefulness. Most people who pointed it out considered it a relatively minor thing, so I'm unlikely to go through the whole story to remove them or so.