My Personal Reaction to KS and the Decision I Need to Make

[Zezin]

So I have recently become a fan of KS.
I want to speak about the Hanako route. See I relate to her a LOT the only differences are: I am a guy, I have never been burned, I have my parents.
I know about the betrayal by my friends, I know what it's like to feel as if you life is on hold, when I was done. I broke down and started crying. Which is rare for me I haven't cried in years.

Let me start from the top. For three years of my life I was in a "special school" called Hawthorne. It was kind of the opposite of Yamaku though. They accept mentally challenged students but not physically disabled students.That's mostly because that place was dangerous because of the students and when they lose control of themselves (I was one of them) also I don't exactly like talking about my disorder like I used to, so don't ask.
Anyway those three years there was my "life on hold". They made the ultimate objective to get into a public school, and the longer you stayed at Hawthorne the more you felt like human trash.
But that wasn't the part that hurt me. The part of Hanako's story that hurt me was when she talked about kids teasing her. I knew that too much. When I finally was allowed to leave Hawthorne and enter a Public School kids I knew found out about how easy it was to abuse the fact of how long I was kept out of society. I was comepletely incapable of socializing. So those kids I called friends would tease me and torment me, they would trick me and make every other hour a living hell. After those three years of work I put into achieving the ultimate goal of entering public school, and this new horrible life was my reward for all my effort.
Those memories were repressed until playing the Hanako route.

During my breakdown my parents called my therapist he said the game brought back repressed memories. Things my brain was forcing me to forget. He said I would likely become emotionally stronger from this. In a way he was right, in a different way he was wrong.

While I do love KS, playing it has put me into a depression I have never felt before. All those memories made me begin to question who exactly I was. But on the otherside I am focused, calm and capable of things I couldn't understand until now. It feels like a wall in my mind has been removed.

Now in current time I have recently returned to school from summer break. I am a Junior now. The SSD teachers took note of my new and improved behavior. They assigned me a Freshman who has the same disorder I do, and they asked me to help him out and teach him how to socialize. Even though normal behavior is still new to me. I am the only other guy in the school who has his disorder and I am the only one who understands his thought process.
To make sure I can help him I need to keep this depressed state of mind KS has given me. So I am usually listening to the soundtrack or replaying the game. When i do that though it makes my stomach uneasy. But I feel like I need to help this kid, so I am really stuck between a rock and a hard-place here.
This game is eating at me from the inside, yet at the same time this kid needs me if he doesn't want to be emotionally wrecked by high-school life.

I've been talking to other KS fans on other sites and one of them convinced me to share my story on the forums so that's why I am writing this in the first place.

Anyway that's my story, I know it's sappy but it is true. I wanted to see what other KS fans thought about it and what I should do.

[ojamamask]

Eventually you might get used to the soundtrack or the game so don't make that you're main source of your depression. What you should consider doing is keeping that state of mind instead of pumping these 'reminders' into you (that is, if you want to stay like that forever). You should try and find how you get into that state and what it feels like. Maybe meditation would help. Consult your therapist about this and he might help you as well. What you really need to help you with your socialization skills are people you can rely on, not just KS.
It doesn't mean you have to forget about KS entirely though, you can still do what you do. Just don't try to rely on it.

[Potato]

Why do you need to be depressed to help people? That just sounds stupid...

[ojamamask]

Why do you need to be depressed to help people? That just sounds stupid...

Maybe he means a reflective state of mind. Sometimes people think I'm sad when I'm reflecting on things.

[yummines]

Its alright, but dont rely on KS as a crutch. That defeats the whole message of Hanako's route.

Also 2 things:

1. The past is the past for a reason. Remember it so you can learn from mistakes, but do not let it interfere
2. You dont have to be depressed to be introspective. I listen to Nujabes a lot which makes me calm and full of thoughts

[Hanako Scars]

Yeah, I believe you mean reflective as opposed to sad because to be fair being sad to help someone does sound a tad silly.

[Loonie]

You know...I wish I could tell you something that'd make everything click into place for you, but the truth is that ain't gonna happen in this thread, no matter how helpful myself or the others might or might not turn out to be.

All I can tell you is that, while not really having a mental disability myself, I too have gone through that period of my life when, as you quite aptly put it, a 'wall' broke down in my mind - one I too had imposed upon myself because of previously poor treatment at the hands of my peers.

What I can tell you with something like a decade of perspective, after that wall went down for me, is this: No matter how shitty or uncertain of yourself you might feel now - believe me this was a good thing to happen to you. Maybe even the best of things. That wall had to come down sooner or later. If it came later (like when you were studying at university or even just out there on your own doing work others had a hard time even fathoming), I assure you the feelings you feel now would have to be dealt with then...and your livelihood being paralyzed by the feelings you feel now would be even worse than having to deal with them here in school.

As to what I think you should do it's hard for me to give you a definitive answer. Even after you wrote this, there's still so much I don't know about you and I wouldn't know that much more even if you decided to be moreso descriptive about yourself in this thread. For example, since I won't ask about your disability I'm honestly uncertain if my advice here won't accidentally push you into a situation where it will manifest itself in a bad way. But...here goes anyway.

The only things I know for certain are this. That person, you were assigned to? Stick with them. And don't worry too much about how to be a 'mentor' or 'teacher' to them. Just be their friend and be honest with them about what your experiences were. If you see something you don't think they're wise to do, tell them why you think it's a bad idea, but let them decide for themselves. And be sure to listen what they say in return. Who knows, perhaps they've even got an answer that you never thought of and might turn out to be a good thing.

Above all else don't be too hard on yourself. I mean this. The opportunities I've missed out on because I treated myself the way I did in high school are staggering and the only reason I missed them was because I thought I wasn't 'worthy' of taking them. So don't let your failures get you down too much and know this: Your wall going down has paved the way for you to be who you genuinely want to be. Most people never get to this point, not even in their 'grown-up' stages of life - they accept whatever BS life throws their way as 'just the way it is'. You, on the other hand, actually have a chance to find out what you really want to do in life and never let go of it. And you actually have a chance to be exactly who you are most of the time. You never have to apologize for these things to anyone.

So no matter what else happens, endure. And know that if you endure, there will be a day when you will look back on these times and realize you got so much more out of them than most people do. Even if you didn't do the things that regular students do. Or perhaps *especially* because you didn't do the things that regular students do.

I hope this helped. Something else helped me along that I never expected, but hopefully...this advice will just get you started to finding your own 'something else' for yourself.

[Zezin]

Yeah, I believe you mean reflective as opposed to sad because to be fair being sad to help someone does sound a tad silly.

That is more accurate.

Its alright, but dont rely on KS as a crutch. That defeats the whole message of Hanako's route.

1. The past is the past for a reason. Remember it so you can learn from mistakes, but do not let it interfere

Easier said than done my friend.
Also I have never felt so "in control" before until I played KS I feel like I need it at times.

2. You dont have to be depressed to be introspective. I listen to Nujabes a lot which makes me calm and full of thoughts

It certainly helps. Also what the heck is Nujabes?

What you really need to help you with your socialization skills are people you can rely on, not just KS.

Well there is this girl at my school she's in the same grade as me she helps me in the same way I'm helping this Freshman. I'm an only child so she's the closest thing to a big sister I have.
Also I am a "I go with what works" kind of guy. KS works and I will stick on it for now.

You know...I wish I could tell you something that'd make everything click into place for you, but the truth is that ain't gonna happen in this thread, no matter how helpful myself or the others might or might not turn out to be.

Everything helps a little.

The only things I know for certain are this. That person, you were assigned to? Stick with them. And don't worry too much about how to be a 'mentor' or 'teacher' to them. Just be their friend and be honest with them about what your experiences were. If you see something you don't think they're wise to do, tell them why you think it's a bad idea, but let them decide for themselves. And be sure to listen what they say in return. Who knows, perhaps they've even got an answer that you never thought of and might turn out to be a good thing.

I've been staying up late just thinking about just that. Thinking over what works and what won't. Like I said I am the only one who can see things through his perspective. The late nights are mostly because everyone makes it seem like every decision I make with helping him is supposed to be like defusing a bomb. "Pick a wire! But be careful!"