Kenji Nukem Forever

[WASSHOI]

Well, I never planned on posting this since it was pretty much just a scribble fic I made when I was bored. I didn't take time to proofread it or anything, because it's just random. This thread made me feel like posting it, so here;


Episode 1
A muscular figure sits on a pile of rubble. Parts of a collapsed building, car frames, trash cans, medical equipment, street lights, tons of other junk were scattered all over the area. The sky was a single shade of crimson, there wasn't a cloud to be seen anywhere. However, there also was no sun to be found anywhere as well. No wind blew in this desolate area, there is not even a sound.

A light comes from the muscular figure shrouded in darkness. He flicks his lighter on and off as he digs around in his pocket.

"Hmm, 1 last pack eh? I should have stocked up before all of this happened. I knew very well the day was coming, but not this soon."

He pulled out a pack of cigarettes, lit one up and pulled it to his lips. Then, he stopped and stared at the cigarette for a few seconds before chucking it as far as he could and crushing the remaining cigarettes under his foot.

"Look at yourself, you're going crazy! To think you almost gave in to that trick, oh boy I know I'm loosing my mind now. It's so obvious that those things are made so that way you get lighters. Lighters which are funded by doctors, who get their income from when you have to go to them for the cigarette you just got. I let my guard down too much, I have to keep moving before its too late."

The man stood up from the pile of rubble, he turned back and tried to grasp his surroundings.

"To think, this use to be my dorm. Shit, why did this have to happen so fast? I didn't have enough time to recruit anyone. Damn you feminist devils, damn you all!"

Kenji smacked himself and took a deep breath.

"There's no sense regretting it now, just keep movi-"

Suddenly, a large crackling laughter is heard from behind him. He turns around sharply to see who was laughing. There, drawing closer, was a giant seagull with an eyepatch and a golden cross around his neck. It was then that Kenji saw the drill formation that its head feathers made.

"URGH, ITS YOU!"

The seagull crackled in laughter more, out of its eyepatch came Misha, hovering with the power of her enhanced drills. Her drills wen't the only modifications made to her though. She now had telescopes for eyes. That must be how she was able to spot Kenji from so far away. Her left leg was wrapped completely in pizza crusts.

"Heh, I knew you'd come back to the school. You shouldn't have come out of hiding Kenken~ You might have lived longer! But now, it's time to face your doughnuts in a battle for the fittest!"

"Fuck you and your doughnuts bitch, I drive a dodge stratus and I'm not afraid of you! I'll take you on any time!"

"It's useless Kenken, all your base are belong to us! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~"

As Misha laughed her signature laugh, the giant seagull synced with her completely. Kenji's ears bleed slightly, though he showed no change in facial expression whatsoever. Instead, he simple raised his hand slowly and closed his eyes.

"Oh? Whats this? Are you trying to surrender!? Hah! That's no fun at all! CRAB WARRIORS, SEIZE HIM AT ONCE!"

With that, the seagull's mouth opened up and shot millions of crabs with bandanas in Kenji's direction. His eyes opened once again.

"WASSABI RUSH!"

A burst of red energy shot from Kenji's hand, the crabs screamed in pain as they diffused into the energy wave. Misha's face quickly changed into one of frustration.

"Wh-what the fuck did you just do!?"

"Don't bother asking, you'll get to experience it in a minute."

Then, a mysterious voice shouted out from behind Kenji once again. It was half metallic and half female. With every word it said, a robotic echo overlapped the human portion;

"Ha! Did you honestly think us females would split up and take you one on one like some kind of comic?"

Kenji looked at the half robotic figure talking to him. It had half the face of Lilly, but the other half of her face was completely metallic. Her body itself was a cardboard box, but her limbs looked like something you'd see from a car assembly line. Her chameleon-like eyes were constantly moving at all angles, scanning the entire area. Kenji shook his fist in anger, he knew it wouldn't be this easy.

"What? How many of you bitches are there?!"

Misha and Lilly both laughed in unison, but the laugh seemed much more sinister coming from Lilly's robotic voice.

"Bitch!? Bitch? Haha, there's only one bitch. I assure you Kenji."

Lilly proclaimed pointing one finger into the air. Suddenly, a dog fell from the sky. No, this wasn't a dog. It looked like one but it was much bigger. Wait, there was something else strange about it. Kenji stared at awe.

"No, it couldn't be, how?"

The dog stared directly at Kenji, it had the head of Hisao but the body of Lilly's dog, except beefed up.

"H-Hisao?! What are you doing on their side!?"

At this point Misha hovered above the creature's head. She crossed her arms gave Kenji a open mouth smile, as if taunting him without saying a word. The creature laughed and stood up on its back legs. It pressed its right paw onto its face, hiding its sinister grin.

"Hisao? Hisao? Hahaha, no dude. You're still using my old name? No, I am no longer Hisao. I am now BitchHisao!"

"W-what did you do with him!?"

Lilly put her hand up to her chin and glanced at Kenji from the side of her left eye.

"Ohhhhh? We did nothing to him. He came of his own free will to join us. You shouldn't be so quick to think that no boy could be a feminist. BITCH HISAO, TEACH HIM A LESSON!"

Kenji just now realized what he was up against. He had two feminist leaders and their stands against him. He hadn't imagine he'd ever have to be caught in a situation like this. Bitch Hisao charged at Kenji, he lifted his paw and-

FREEZE FRAME!

End episode 1.

Edit;
Just read my story now, damn I feel like a 5 year old wrote this crap. I found where I saved episode 2 but I'll see the reactions I get from this before posting episode 2.

I originally was going to post the fic in the other thread but didn't want it to get hijacked. Made my own topic for it, but at the same time I feel it shouldn't deserve a topic.

[disturbedthoughts]

Reaction... That was really stupid but very funny. Post the next segment.

[Squirg]

Bitch Hisao made me lol. I think this is rather passable, so feel free to post the next segment.

[SnigendePind]

....Wut? O_O

[TheGuardian]

lol, the most random thing I've read in a while, so funny.

[WASSHOI]

Episode 2
BitchHisao's paw raised up high as he charged at Kenji. Kenji stood there, still shocked at the thought of a guy joining them. Still overwhelmed by the fact that he's facing two commanders at once. But now wasn't the time for him to hesitate, he needed to stop BitchHisao now. He dug into his pocket quickly and threw a rubber ducky at BitchHisa's face.

"Huh!? What the hell is-"

Before BitchHisao could finish, a bright light erupted from the duck. BitchHisao had no time to cover his eyes, and was temporarily stunned from the flash. Lilly was shielding her eyes, apparently her new chameleon-like eyes were more sensitive than Kenji had thought. Misha on the other hand simply stared into the flare with her arms crossed. Her usual smile now looking with a scowl. Her telescopic eyes adjusted a little as she turned her head to Lilly.

"Hey, you okay over there? Don't tell me something like that is too much for you."

Lilly opened her eyes again and looked at Misha slightly aggravated.

"Of course not, it just took me by surprise."

She responded as she rubbed her eyes. The area around BitchHisao and Kenji was covered completely in smoke. Misha stared at Lilly, then cocked her head in the general direction of Kenji, signaling for her to check it out. Lilly's eyes moves erratically around the area, she sighed softly and turned back to Misha to give her the status report.

"Well, BitchHisao seems to have been too close. He's rolling on the floor covering his eyes with his paws, but it's nothing too serious. For now I think it's best if we stopped messing around with him."

"But what about Kenken?"

Lilly looked back into the smoke, her eyes tracing around fasted than before. A puzzled look came across her face.

"Kenji is..."

"Behind you."

Lilly turned her head quickly, only to have her face pounded in by Kenji's fist. Misha grit her teeth and clenched her fists tightly.

"What? How did you get behind her? Between the two of us and our enhanced eyes you shouldn't have been able to slip anywhere past us!"

Misha shouted, her drills hissing as they unwounded and coiled back up as if they themselves were angry as well. Lilly picked herself up from the ground and rubbed her dented robotic cheek. Some black oily substance dripped from her mouth. Kenji cracked his knuckles and glared at both of the girls silently. It was then that Lilly noticed a hole next to where Kenji was standing.

"No way, there's no way you could have possibly burrowed under us!"

Kenji's stare narrowed even more, he then pulled out another rubber duck from his pocket.

"Did you know that ducks can burrow under an entire mountain before getting tired?"

Misha knew where he was getting at. She quickly pounded her fists against a nearby cement block and pointed her finger at Kenji, striking a pose fit for that of a famous attorney.

"OBJECTION! THAT'S CLEARLY BULLSHIT! DUCKS DON'T BURROW, THEY SWIM AND FLY! Arg, enough of this! Lilly get over here now. Penos can take care of him while BitchHisao is recovering. We need to get the others and inform them that we've found Kenji."

"No, I won't let you get away!"

Kenji shouted, running at full speed to Lilly who was still getting up from the floor. Suddely, Kenji felt something pull on his leg. He stumbled slightly before catching his balance. When he looked at his foot he saw a pink rope coming out the ground and constricting his leg. Wait, pink rope? He quickly averted his attention to Misha. Just as he had thought, one of her drills were uncoiled and borrowed into the ground. Kenji tried to free his leg, but it only constricted tighter the more he struggled.

"Your resistance only makes my hair harder! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~"

Said Misha, who was now helping Lilly up with her other drill. Her laughter continued to fill the area, echoing far in this silent world. Kenji sucked his teeth and tried to think of his options. He didn't have anything to break free of Misha's hair, but he was certain that he'd heard somewhere how to handle this sort of situation. It was then that he remembered reading something about Cleopatra's downfall being caused by someone insulting her hair. That's it!

"Oh man, what is this pubic hair? It's so uncared for and has so many split ends!."

"HAHAHAHAHAH-what? What did you just say?"

Misha immediately stopped what she was doing. Lilly was already up by this point but still looked a bit dazed. Kenji grinned and looked Misha directly in her eyes (or rather, telescope lenses). A fire seemed to be burning deep within his pupils.

"I said, this hair looks like the hair on my uncle's back!"

Misha's face grew red in furry, her hair's grip over Kenji gradually loosened as she became engulfed with rage. Kenji took the opportunity to break his foot free from the pink grasp. Feeling triumphant he laughed at Shizune and pointed a finger to her. But before he could say anything he felt a piercing pain shoot through his back and into his abdomen. He looked down at his body, a cane stuck through him. He looked back to see that Lilly was now standing on her own. His knees weakened as he fell to the ground and coughed up a considerable amount of blood.

"Hehe, you souldn't get too cocky Kenji. You may be the last opposing force left, but that doesn't mean that you're strong enough to take us on. Penos, make sure he doesn't move."

The large seagull spread its wings and let out a loud screech as it flew over Kenji. 3 beams of light shot from the bird's underside and formed a pyramid around Kenji.

"What is this!?"

"BWAHAHAHAHAHA! It's Penos's Penos Sundae! As long as he's flying above you, you're imprisoned in that pyramid case. Lilly, you watch him, there's a change of plans. He's too dangerous to leave alone with Penos and BitchHisao."

"Right, I was thinking the same thing. Hurry up and get the others, it's time to end this pitiful resistance."

Lilly and Misha both smiled at each other. Kenji stared weakly from inside his pyramid, his eyes opened wide as he witnessed a sight that he'd surely wished he didn't. Before Misha left, her and Lilly embraced each other and passionately kissed. Lilly's claws stroked Misha's thigh and gradually moved up under Misha's skirt. Kenji couldn't stand the sight anymore, he almost threw up in his mouth.

Girls? Together? Argh, this is horrible! Just imagine what other evil these girls are planning! And if they don't need us males anymore for reproduction then we REALLY have no chance of a comeback! They've no reason to keep any of us alive! STOP KISSING HER DAMMIT, YOU'LL GET HER PREGNANT! FUCK I DON'T WANT TO SEE WHAT KINDA BABY TWO WOMEN MAKE TOGETHER!

Kenji averted his eyes and pounded the ground in anger. He no longer felt the pain of the cane that was still in his body. Misha and Lilly stopped kissing and both blushed.

"D-don't tell Shizune or anything okay? She still doesn't know about...us..."

"Likewise...Hanako can't know I'm cheating like this. I know I shouldn't betray her but...I need you, your drills are so wonderful!"

Misha's tongue stretched out of her moth and elongated more than 5 feet. It wrapped around Lilly's torso and constricted her playfully.

"Hehehe, stop ittttt, not in front of our prisoner~"

Misha's seductive smile grew even wider. Her tongue shot back into her own mouth and she laughed another signature "Bwahahahaha" before saluting Lilly and turning around.

"Yeah, I know. Just felt like teasing you. I should hurry up and get the others. See you later Lilly."

With that Misha's drills dropped down to the floor. Then, like springs, she pressed her weight down on them and bounced up at an amazing speed when she released her weight. Within a few seconds she had bounced so far she was out of sight. Lilly shot a glance at Kenji, who was laying in fetal position sucking his thumb.

"...Filthy men..."

she said faintly under her breath. She looked at BitchHisao, who had finally regained his composure, and gestured for him to "get over here". BitchHisao slowly made his way over to his master, who wore a look of disappointment.

"BitchHisao...I am disappoint."

Lilly said shaking her head, BitchHisao did nothing but look at the floor knowing he had displeased Lilly.

Kenji stared at BitchHisao.

No, why do you keep listening to her? Come on Hisao, fight her back! She's wounded, you could take her on! Ughh, I don't have the strength to even talk to him right now. Don't stand there and take that Hisao! HISAO!

Episode 2 -end-

I never continued it from here. I guess I could continue it more if you guys still want more, I've plenty of free time where I randomly make crap like this. Just give it a day or so.
By the way, this wasn't proofread or edited either since it was just a scribble work. So any errors in it that are obvious are there because I'm not going to edit this. I'm preserving my random scribbles just as they are. The only amendments made are the BBcodes added.