Clarity: (Complete)

[Mirage_GSM]

It's well written and all, but...
I can't decide whether you're trying to rationalize Lilly's behaviour or whether you're trying to make her seem even more wretched and pathetic.

[Hoitash]

It's well written and all, but...
I can't decide whether you're trying to rationalize Lilly's behaviour or whether you're trying to make her seem even more wretched and pathetic.

Seems like both to me. Well, both are coming across pretty strong, at least.

[Kayo12]

[Kyvos]

Thank you very much! I'm glad you're enjoying it.
I may have something else in the works. I really liked exploring Lilly's family in the first section and I may work on something that happens after Lilly's route either as a follow up to this fic or maybe an epilogue of some sort.

[LOL WHUT]

I will fist fight you, broseph!
I liked writing Akira's part. I wanted to find a reason she pulls Hisao aside in the park and is the one to break the news to him instead of Lilly.

[Mirage_GSM/ Hoitash]

Wretched and pathetic? How do you mean?
When I wrote this, I wanted to try and put Lilly's perspective in mind, the idea that she's resigned to leaving and feels like she has no other choice, maybe even a little afraid of her family's reaction to the idea.

[Mirage_GSM]

Well she does come across as an indecisive, self-absorbed bitch who doesn't give a damn about Hisao's feelings.
To be fair, it would be hard to write this story from Lilly's perspective in any other way...

[LOL WUT]

Well she does come across as an indecisive, self-absorbed bitch who doesn't give a damn about Hisao's feelings.
To be fair, it would be hard to write this story from Lilly's perspective in any other way...

*Gasp*

Holy Shit!

Sorry. I was just a bit tired and that woke me up to some extent.

[Kayo12]

[Mirage_GSM]

That...really wasn't what I was trying to do.
Lilly's reasons for keeping the secret from Hisao are never really explained, something I was disappointed about after playing the route. I wanted to get into her head and explore the situation from her perspective, that she was afraid to open up to Hisao and it was him all along who was open and honest. at least in the Good End Even so, Hisao just coasted and let Lilly handle things and just trusted that she was being honest or she knew what she was doing, kind of rolling over at the first sign of trouble and not even realizing Lilly actually wanted to stay but was afraid of asking.

Lilly likes to be independent, she doesn't like to rely on others. I always thought that was because she didn't want to be a bother to people because not even her parents stuck around to help her, so why wouldn't other people leave her if she was a nuisance?

[M4rked0ne]

First of all, a great fanfic so far. We finally get an insight in Lilly's reasoning why she decided to go to Scotland, it's a shame that the game doesn't explain it in detail. I hope there will be a update soon, I can't wait to read more!

Funny, I noticed that Lilly does exactly that, what she never wanted to happen: Losing Hisao. She "begged" to him during their confession that he should never go away but then she decides to live with her family in Scotland.....fuckin' Hypocrite. A long-distance relationship wouldn't work out, she isn't good with computers and even more important, her most important her sense of feeling would be left out.
When I had a chance to talk to her about her departure, I would probably say something like "Check yourself before you wreck yourself! Explore your true feelings and then decide. To leave your small, misshapen family would be something you would regret forever. You doesn't want to lose your "family" again and more important, this time you would also lose Hisao, your love."

[Kayo12]

[M4rked0ne]

I thought the exact same thing after learning she was leaving. The thought is, 'but she's the one who begged me to stay. Why is she the one leaving?'

After to hospital scene, I realized just how much Lilly wants to belong in a family. In the wheat field scene, she may as well have been saying, 'don't let me leave'.

A lot of people have a hard time reconciling her lie, but I think it's just as bad as Emi losing her shit at Hisao after dinner at her house, or Rin shutting Hisao down when he says he likes her in the atelier or Shizune ignoring Hisao to help Misha. Both Hisao and the girls in every route pull some bad moves, but they forgive each other because they're in love. Lilly's lie was admittedly a much bigger sin than what happens in the other routes, but I couldn't help but feel sorry for her. I know what it's like to have to make sacrifices for your family, and with her own family being so (implied) controlling, I can imagine how hard it was for her and how much she just wanted to stay with the people she loved.

[Kayo12]

Part Seven

Akira drops Hisao, Hanako and myself off at Yamaku's front gate before bidding us goodbye. I'm disappointed she has to leave so quickly and I ask if she'd like to join us in my room for some tea despite the lateness of the hour.

"Sorry, Lilly. I got work in the morning. I probably shouldn't have stayed out this late anyways. I'll keep in touch, okay? We'll talk later."

"All right. I'll talk to you later. I love you."

"Love ya' too, Sis. Later!"

Akira puts a hand on my shoulder and kisses my cheek, whispering as she does.
"Tell him."

I nod hesitantly, knowing she's right. I just wish I was as strong as she was and was capable of doing it fairly.

Hisao and I, with Hanako next to us, enter Yamaku's gate and walk slowly towards the girl's dormitories. The night is very cool and it's late enough that no one is out and about, but not late enough that we're concerned about being caught after hours. A few bugs buzz through the air and I can hear the humming whine of the lamps flickering on and off as we walk under them.

Despite a few rocky bumps, overall, I must say that today turned out to be a very eventful day. Despite the problems and difficulties ahead, I'm left with a very satisfied feeling, having spent nearly all day with Hisao and Hanako. I don't have much more time with them and I want to make sure that every minute we spend together is as enjoyable as it can be for all of us.

"Th-that was a lot of f-fun! We should d-do that again real s-soon!" Hanako exclaims.

"Yeah," Hisao says in agreement. "It was fun. I was a little unsure of Akira at first, Lilly, but she seems pretty cool."

"Yes," I say, "my sister is quite the individual. She's a good person."

"You and her are really close, huh?"

"Yes. She's been the only family I've known in a long time. She's always been the one to look out for me."

"It must have been hard to be away from your parents all these years."

I swallow a lump in my throat. "Yes, it has been."

We enter the dorms and find our way to Hanako's room where we part company. We say our farewells, but there is a moment where Hanako hesitates at the door.

"What's wrong? Is everything all right?" Hisao asks.

There is a quick step and a small gasp of air from Hisao. I'm a little caught off guard as Hanako must practically throw her arms around him and from the sound of straining, hug him extremely tightly.

"Th-thank you!" she says in a tight whisper. "Thank you, thank y-you, thank you!"

Hisao laughs. "You're welcome, Hanako. It wasn't a big deal."

Hanako steps back and gives me as equally tight a hug which I eagerly return.

Hanako opens her door, the lock clicking as she does. "It was f-for me. G-goodnight, Lilly. Goodnight, Hisao."

"Goodnight, Hanako," we say.

There's a moment of silence, the three of us standing there together before the door shuts. Hisao and I walk away, and I can swear I hear a delighted giggle come from the other side of Hanako's door.

We reach my own room and I unlock it with my key, turning towards Hisao afterwards "I had a wonderful time tonight, Hisao."

"I had a lot of fun too, Lilly. Thank you for dancing with me."

"The pleasure was all mine."

I listen intently for anyone around before I pout my lips and hold my chin out. Hisao gives me a kiss, gentle at first, but I pull him in and wrap my fingers in his hair, holding him in the lock until I'm completely satisfied, never wanting this feeling to end.

I wish and pray I could have this kiss last forever so tomorrow never comes to interrupt our happy state of being. That the next day never destroys the delicate life around me. The taste of wine is still strong in his mouth even as I pull away and he takes a deep breath of air.

"Goodnight," I whisper as I close the door behind me, leaving him, I hope, a little dazed.

I lean with my back against the door, silent, with my ear against the wood until I hear Hisao walk away a few moments later. I take a long and ragged breath, realizing that another day of my lie of omission has come and gone, dragging out the unknown torment I've been putting him through.

As I prepare for bed, my thoughts keep running on their own, telling me I know what I should do and that I know what I'm doing is wrong. They battle for space, telling me what is right and threatening me with the idea that one little bit of truth could end everything I have with Hisao.

If I told him, would he stay with me until I left or would he end our relationship? Would he be angry with me that I didn't tell him? Would he understand I was only afraid he would reject me? Could we try to continue being together through long distance?
I shake my head.
He and I would both know that would never work. I know nothing about computers and phone calls would only add to the torment of being apart. Hisao would become nothing more than a voice on the end end of the line, so close, but never satisfying. Maybe I would manage pining for him, but I couldn't force Hisao to spend his life wanting someone he can't have on the other side of the world.

I have to be willing to let him go, to set him free of me.

I want every minute I can spend with Hisao and I just can't bring myself to risk that by telling the truth, no matter how much it hurts me to keep this secret from him.

I change and brush my hair, remembering the feeling of his fingers running through it this morning. I sit on the edge of my bed and take my cross off, holding it in the palm of my hand for a long time, the weight reassuring and heavy. It reminds me of Father and a moment we had when I was in Scotland.

We had been driving home from the airport, Father, Mother, Akira and myself all in the back of the limousine, the first time we had been together as a family in years. Akira and Mother were talking and laughing and I sat next to Father, my head resting on his shoulder. He tugged lightly on the cross and seemed surprised I was still wearing it. I hugged him and told him that I never break a promise. He laughed, that purring sound that he makes, the whole car rumbling with his humor and he hugged me back, tight enough to almost hurt.

I didn't care.
I was home.

I do something that I don't often do, perhaps too little in recent years.
Just like I did with Mother when I was very young, I kneel on the side of my bed and I pray. Not a long one, but a very important one. The words this time are silent, but I remember them very well from so many times spoken when I was little.

I pray for Father and Mother and Akira as I always have.

Over the last year, I've prayed for Hanako, that she would learn her own strength and she would be able to open up more to the people around her and that she would find peace and happiness.

Just beginning very recently, I pray for Hisao, that he would be safe and I pray for how grateful I am that he's in my life, how happy I am that I met him.

This time though, I do something I have never done before. I pray for myself, asking for the strength to do what I know I have to, to be fair to the people I love.

I end my prayer and climb into bed, wrapping the sheets around me, sighing deeply as I sink into the pillow. It takes me a while, but eventually the thoughts in my head begin to slow down, the what-ifs beginning to die away. Slowly the ticking seconds begin to slip into one another and my breathing begins to slow. Sleep begins to overtake me as my body relaxes....

A hesitant knocking jars me awake. At first I think I simply heard things, but then it happens again.

I climb out of bed and walk to my door.

"Who is it?" I whisper.

"It's me, Hisao."

Something half way between a thrill and a shudder runs up my back as I open the door a crack and cling to it. "Hisao, what's wrong? Did you forget something?"

Hisao hesitates before answering. "Yeah, I did. Can I come in?"

"Of course," I say, making way for him in the doorway.

He enters and I shut the door. Hisao takes me by the hand and we sit on the edge of my bed.

"Hisao, what's wrong?" I ask.

Hisao takes a couple seconds before answering. "Remember what I said this afternoon? After I had the argument with Shizune? You asked me if everything was all right and I said it was."

"Yes."

"Well, that was a lie. Everything wasn't okay."

I begin to feel a little sick to my stomach. "What...what's wrong?"

Hisao sighs and wraps his arms around me, surprising me a little. "I just," he starts, "I just want you to know how thankful I am for you."

My cheeks grow warm and my eyes start to burn.

"I was in a bad place when I first came to Yamaku and you really helped me move on. I was a wreck and you gave me the chance to stop and collect myself, to get my head on straight. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't been there for me. "
"I was really confused when we started hanging out together, confused about what I was feeling. And when we were in Hokaido, I couldn't believe how lucky I was that a girl like you could actually have feelings for a guy like me."
"When I overheard Shizune at lunch, I lost my temper because she was threatening what we have. I just...I don't want anything to come between you and me, you know? I couldn't stand it. I couldn't tolerate it."

I lay there in Hisao's arm, not knowing what to do.

Now's your chance, a little voice tells me, you wanted strength, well, here's your opportunity to use it. Time to take that chance. Tell the truth and trust what happens next.

"Hisao, I love you very much. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone or anything ever before! I'm so sorry for this, but I haven't been completely honest with you."

"While I was in Scotland, my parents asked me to move there with them permanently. I was so excited, I accepted. But when I came back and we were at Hokaido, I realized just how important you are to me and how much it would hurt me if I couldn't be with you every day, how much I would miss you and Hanako and the life I have here! I'm scared and I don't know what to do!"

"I don't want to disappoint my family. I've missed them so much and I just want to be with them, but I love you and this life we have together and I want to know where you and I go from here! I want to stay, but even more, I want you to want me to stay."

"Please Hisao, please! Just tell me you want me to stay and I will. Tell me that this isn't just a fling between us, tell me how much I mean to you. Tell me you'll never leave me and I'll stay and never leave you, that's all I need, please! You say it and I'll stay, please! Anything! Just beg me to stay!"

Hisao laughs. "I just had to get that off my mind. I felt bad about it all day and I needed to let you know what I felt, that I hadn't been honest with you."

I bury my head into Hisao's chest and grit my teeth.

"Lilly, are you all right?"

I nod, my face in his shirt. "Yes, Hisao. I'm all right."

My heart sinks in my chest.

I'm so sorry....

I lie there in Hisao's arm, one of his hands stroking my hair, the other possessively on the small of my back. I sink into the embrace, addicted to the touch. I want every second I have with him to be memorable, perfect.

I can't do it. I can't bring myself to ruin what we have.
He'd leave, I know he would.
My parents left me. If Hisao left me, I wouldn't survive it. I'd die if someone left me again.

I'm so sorry, Hisao.

I lift my head and gently bump into his chin. He laughs and kisses me and holds me a little longer before he speaks.

"Well, I should get to my room then, it is getting late."

I feel a little prickle in my chest at his words. I don't want him to go. I don't want to be alone again. "You don't have to...rush off, you know."

There's a moment of silence before he chuckles, his chest rumbling against my cheek. "Didn't we almost get in trouble for this exact sort of thing?"

I lift myself off his chest and put both of my hands on either side of his face. "I don't care."

I kiss him without restraint, I force myself on him and push him back onto my bed. He gasps in surprise as I shimmy atop him.

I don't have much time, so I have to make every second worthwhile.

I climb on top of Hisao and straddle him, my fingers working the first few buttons of my pajamas. I'm pleased he takes his cue, because soon enough he rips the buttons for me, my nightshirt hanging open, the cold air tickling my chest.

Hisao takes a few moments and I can feel his eyes roaming my body before he grabs my shoulders, flips me onto the bed and buries his face into my neck.

I can't ruin a perfect moment like this, I tell myself.

I'll find a way to tell him tomorrow.

That's what I'll do, I think as I gasp for air beneath him.

Tomorrow....

-End-

[Yellow 13]

dat cliffhanger

[Mirage_GSM]

Well, since the title says "completed" I guess there won't be another chapter. Tomorrow Akira will tell him, and the original story will kick back in.
Good job bringing out the bitch in Lilly

[nemz]

Even so, Hisao just coasted and let Lilly handle things and just trusted that she was being honest or she knew what she was doing, kind of rolling over at the first sign of trouble and not even realizing Lilly actually wanted to stay but was afraid of asking.

He just coasted because he had no idea whatsoever that anything was wrong. Just as in Hanako's route, it's completely unfair to expect people to address a situation about which they are being kept ignorant. If he did constantly prod her with nagging little questions as if he was paranoid about the relationship or had no faith in her to deal with her own problems that would be a major turn-off.

It's also unfair to say he rolls over at the first sign of trouble. He's direct and confrontational about it, but Lilly makes it clear that the decision has been made for some time now and the only thing she's been thinking about is how (or if?) to break the news. He doesn't fight it because he feels betrayed (and rightfully so) and is creating emotional distance in the short time left to ease her departure.

And did she actually want to stay? If so she could have without him having to nearly kill himself, which frankly makes the whole good ending feel like a pity party, much like the ending to the blindfold scene. It decidedly feels like she's staying for his sake, not for her own.

[Kayo12]

[nemz]

>had no faith in her to deal with her own problems that would be a major turn-off

That the precise point of the Good Ending, though. Hisao thought Lilly was right, that she could handle things herself, that she knew best. He thought her independence was a good thing and it wasn't until after she left and he remembered the paper crane that he realized just how important she was to him and that he couldn't let her just walk away.

As for saying he had no idea about Lilly's problem, let's be honest, this is Hisao 'lie in the grave' Nakai we're talking about here.

As for rolling over, Hisao is anything but direct and confrontational. He never asks why she didn't tell him, he doesn't question her on her reasons, all he says is, 'so you're leaving then?" Total surrender, as if her leaving was a forgone conclusion. Saying he doesn't fight because he feels betrayed is a far stretch. As I remember it, Hisao had almost no strong emotions on the subject except being sad. He just kind of sulked about it until it was too late and he finally kicked himself in the ass for being such a loser about the situation, for not realizing that Lilly needed him.

As for wanting to stay, what an absurd statement! Of course she wanted to stay! They were in love! That's like saying Emi only wanted a running partner or Shizune only wanted a drone to do her work for her. Lilly says herself she didn't confess to Hisao because she pitied him, remember that? She confessed because she loves him and never wants to leave, but Hisao didn't give her any reason to stay. His attitude about her leaving gave her the impression that he was okay with her going, that it didn't bother him and that he was okay with the relationship being over.

Lilly's ending, unfortunately, doesn't spell out exactly the reasons for Lilly's state of mind. Her family is never explored, just hinted at. If you pick up the clues, her family is extremely domineering, she desperately wanted to belong and she's afraid of being abandoned just as her parents did before.
What kind of a person begs you not to leave them when they're the ones who will be going? That shows a lot of self esteem issues.
The way I saw the ending, she thought Hisao's attitude was a sign that their relationship was just a high school romance, so she thought that it would be better to end it now on good terms than drag it out and have it slowly die.
His actions at the end proved to her that he takes their relationship seriously and that he does lover her, that he isn't complacent about the two of them like his reaction to the news made it seem.

Lilly was wrong not to tell Hisao the truth sooner. I wrote this story because I wanted to explore what Lilly was thinking, or at least what I thought she was thinking at the end of the route. She was selfish, filled with doubt and resigned to the idea that she absolutely had to leave to follow her family's commands. This wasn't an invitation to join them, it was a summons, practically a demand. More than likely, her parents left Japan because they didn't have the time or wish to help a blind daughter. That realization must have been devastating to Lilly and now she can be a 'Good Daughter' and follow their wishes.

Lots of implying in this post, but that's the impression that I got from Lilly's Route.

[M4rked0ne]

[Kayo12]


I totally agree with that. Now it looks very clear to me.....wait a minute......Clarity? I see what you did there, my friend.
Finally I understand why Lilly decided to leave Japan. Thank you very much Kayo12.

[Total Destruction]

Not all endings are good ones. Sometimes it's better that way.

I haven't really been following this story too much, but I'm glad I took the time to knock the rest of it out in one whack. It's a good one.

Congrats on finishing. I'm looking forward to seeing what you'll do next.