Tomorrow's Doom ~ Up: 04/30/16 ~ recommitted to completion.

[Mirage_GSM]

I thought, the dynamic between the girls in the line was captured pretty good, but the thought of a dorm for about 100 girls (assuming 12 classes of about 15 people, 60% of them girls) having only a single two booth shower and not even a toilet besides that struck me as a bit strange... I imagine it must get quite crowded in the mornings when everyone is getting ready for classes
And I probably wouldn't have thrown almost every named female character in that scene...

[LOL WUT]

Oh, looky! A new part!
Only I cant look because my eyes are acting up again.
Jeez insomnia and sudden blurring of the eyes
FUCK YOU WORLD! YOU HEAR ME? FU- Oh right, back to the story.

I have an idea for the next part.
Yoko turns into a monster, and Hisao, being secretly Iron Man, has to sacrifice himself to save the others.

It is a great idea I know.

[Helbereth]

I thought, the dynamic between the girls in the line was captured pretty good, but the thought of a dorm for about 100 girls (assuming 12 classes of about 15 people, 60% of them girls) having only a single two booth shower and not even a toilet besides that struck me as a bit strange... I imagine it must get quite crowded in the mornings when everyone is getting ready for classes
And I probably wouldn't have thrown almost every named female character in that scene...

It's the extra time making the line form, more than anything else. I imagine there are actually two bathrooms on each floor, but the other one likely has a similar line. It isn't a particularly long line in any case; it's drawn out because they're taking more time than they normally would.

The presence of the various girls in line is part personal preference, part introspection triggers, and part fan service. It took a lot more thought figuring out who would be in the line and what they would talk about than anything else in the entire chapter. I literally rewrote the sequence about 6 times, and the only characters that remained the same were Aiko, Yoko, Emi, Rika and Rin. I even considered skipping the whole conversation and just leaping straight to Yoko's fever sequence, but I didn't want to pass up the opportunity to have some post-cafeteria banter with some peripheral characters, as well as a chance to see some of the other characters through Aiko's eyes.

Oh, looky! A new part!
Only I cant look because my eyes are acting up again.
Jeez insomnia and sudden blurring of the eyes
FUCK YOU WORLD! YOU HEAR ME? FU- Oh right, back to the story.

Don't strain yourself on my account. I've been there with the bleary eyes, and I usually can't even watch TV when I get like that.

I have an idea for the next part.
Yoko turns into a monster, and Hisao, being secretly Iron Man, has to sacrifice himself to save the others.

It is a great idea I know.

I'll uh... I'll take that under advisement.

Hisao being Iron Man is actually kind of an awesome idea except he isn't an eccentric billionaire.

[Panthour]

I have an idea for the next part.
Yoko turns into a monster, and Hisao, being secretly Iron Man, has to sacrifice himself to save the others.

It is a great idea I know.

Wow, just wow. This must be written!

[LOL WUT]

I have an idea for the next part.
Yoko turns into a monster, and Hisao, being secretly Iron Man, has to sacrifice himself to save the others.

It is a great idea I know.

Wow, just wow. This must be written!

Would it make you happy if I say I am making that?
Of course I would need Helbereth's permission to borrow Yoko.
I would probably just post it here as an alternate ending.

[Helbereth]

I have an idea for the next part.
Yoko turns into a monster, and Hisao, being secretly Iron Man, has to sacrifice himself to save the others.

It is a great idea I know.

Wow, just wow. This must be written!

Would it make you happy if I say I am making that?
Of course I would need Helbereth's permission to borrow Yoko.
I would probably just post it here as an alternate ending.

Just remember she's the tall French-Canadian with freckles and long, wavy red hair, despite the name. Come to think of it, she might look a little like Gwyneth Paltrow (Pepper Potts) irl.

[Mirage_GSM]

The presence of the various girls in line is part personal preference, part introspection triggers, and part fan service. It took a lot more thought figuring out who would be in the line and what they would talk about than anything else in the entire chapter. I literally rewrote the sequence about 6 times, and the only characters that remained the same were Aiko, Yoko, Emi, Rika and Rin. I even considered skipping the whole conversation and just leaping straight to Yoko's fever sequence, but I didn't want to pass up the opportunity to have some post-cafeteria banter with some peripheral characters, as well as a chance to see some of the other characters through Aiko's eyes.

At least to me it seemed as if it was mainly the fanservice part. It also had me wondering if Yamaku doesn't have any students other than the named ones and if so, where they are all the time. Until Yoko comes there are seven people and six of them are named characters from the VN and one is your OC. Do they all live next to each other?
Don't get me wrong, the scene was very good, and all characters were spot on - my brain just has that nasty habit of asking awkward questions while I'm reading...

So if I had written a scene like that I would probably have used only half the characters and thrown in a few stand-ins for variety.

[Helbereth]

So if I had written a scene like that I would probably have used only half the characters and thrown in a few stand-ins for variety.

I have an odd rule about throw-away characters -- I hate them with a burning passion. I'd rather have people think only the named characters exist than fill the world with faceless bystanders who contribute nothing but wall-dressing. A crowd is fine, that's just part of the world description; a shopkeeper or a waitress fall under that description. Even saying there are 17 pairs of eyes on Aiko during a classroom scene is fine because we expect all those eyes to be there, even if we don't interact directly. However, having people standing in that line in the hallway, hearing the conversation and never saying anything would just feel wrong - unless they're shy like Hanako or mute like Shizune; which would be copping out on a different level.

I could easily have described an ever-growing line if I so desired, and an early draft included something like that, but it would have just served to add length to the scene with very little depth in return. Also, if I bothered to add descriptions for any of the said, mute bystanders, which would be natural given the amount of time Aiko spends waiting there, I would feel obligated to reuse them later to validate their existence. I already have Aiko, Amaya, Tadao, Yoko, Naoko*, Miyoto, Ito**, Shizune, Misha and Hisao pulling parts of the story around, and I have plans for a few others as well -- I don't want to end up too swamped with characters. I've already passed 80,000 words with this chapter.

Wow, that sounds like a lot... I started this less than a month ago...

* Naoko isn't wall-dressing in my outline - though her time doesn't come up for a bit.

** Ito is kinda Aiko's mentor on the Yamaku staff, so he becomes more important soon.

[LOL WUT]

Hehehe.
Guess what I have here guys.
Before I start this I wou- Why is my computer so slow? Oh yeah, maybe because of the 8,000 pages open for reference.
Anyways I would like to thank Helbereth for making an awesome story so far.
I would also like to thank Doomish for making such a horrible disgusting monster that I can imagine while making and reading this, in his With Apologies To Harlan Ellison series.
Twice.
You should check it out. Unless you plan on sleeping for the next week without nightmares.
But without further ado, here is my Hisao is Iron Man and Yoko turns into a monster story. (Great Title Right?)
Also I based this Iron Man on the one in the movies such as Iron Man 1, Iron Man 2, and The Avengers
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Sleep.

Sleep is nice. I thought to myself, just before the alarm woke me from it.

Remembering why I had that alarm I groggily make my way to the showers.
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Walking back to my room, still tired, I put on one of my sweater vests and khaki.

Suddenly I hear some extremely loud crashing and screaming. Running outside I see something I never would have expected to see.

A monster.

A particularly large one as well. With long red hair and freckles. Where ever it’s mouth is supposed to be is a gaping hole with six or seven rows of razor sharp teeth.

“The Fuck.” I mumble to myself, while the creature brings it’s arm crashing down on the school.
If I had not been in a fight with a giant robot, a giant robot that shoots lightning and an alien invasion, then I am pretty sure I would have had a heart attack.

Knowing what I have to do I quickly ran back to my dorm.

“Now where is that stupid button?” I ask no one, checking underneath my desk.

“Ah, there it is.” I push it and here the all to familiar sound of gears and metal.

I open my closet and enter the newly made doorway inside. I look around the wall at the end of the room finding the Hulk buster armor, the Crossing armor, Mark I, II, III, V, and finally the Mark IV armor.

I suit up and fly out through the secret exit. Right when I exit the building I see the military already trying, and failing, to subdue the monster.

“Iron Man! You have to help us!” I hear an all too familiar voice shout. I look down and see Aiko waving her arms to get my attention.

“Already on it.” I shout back, a bit of pride seeping into my voice.

I suddenly boost towards the creature charging up my Repulsor Beams, but just before I fire I feel an extreme force on my side, pushing me to the ground.

I fly in the opposite direction in the attempt to stop, but it is too strong. Suddenly I feel like an Elephant just fell thirty feet and landed on my chest.

“Sir, the systems are over acting from the sudden force.” Jarvis informs me.

“Thanks for the heads up.” I wheeze out. Then it all goes black and I am forced to switch to manual control.

“Hisao!?” someone screams in the back round as I toss my helmet away. I fly up, pissed, and boost at what ever that thing is using as an eye.

“You want some of this!?” I shout as my metallic fist makes contact with the cornea. It wails and hisses in agony. I fire the Repulsor Beam while my hand is still inside its eye.

I fire again.

And again.

And one last time.

Finally I pull out my hand. A green fluid covers it.

Yet it does not even seemed fazed. Instead the hole I created is repairing itself.

“Y-YOU ARE- NOT STRO-NG ENOUGH TO DEF-EAT ME!” It warbles and croaks.

Realization hits me like a baseball bat. I know what I have to do.

I focus almost all the suits power to my chest, dodging it’s attacks while doing so. Until finally I release.

The laser shoots out of my chest in a three feet wide cone. My heart beat accelerates faster and faster.

If I don’t die from a heart attack I am going to die from that shrapnel that is going to enter it.
THUMP THUMP
God dammit, No!
THUMP THUMP
Come on just a few more seconds!
THUMP THUMP

“Agggggh!”I shout, just as I fall to the ground, my suit powering down.

I look up and see the creature falling down as well. Without a head, none the less.

I smirk.
Got the job done.
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Now You are probably thinking:
"The Fuck did I just read!?"
Good.
That was the plan.

[Helbereth]

Now You are probably thinking:
"The Fuck did I just read!?"
Good.
That was the plan.

What have I done...?

[LOL WUT]

Now You are probably thinking:
"The Fuck did I just read!?"
Good.
That was the plan.

What have I done...?

Oh Nothing.

MWAHAHAHAHAHA

[griffon8]

Ahem, if we can get back on topic? Thank you.

What's Aiko going to do when she figures out that her shift isn't covered anymore?

[Helbereth]

Ahem, if we can get back on topic? Thank you.

What's Aiko going to do when she figures out that her shift isn't covered anymore?

I'm leaving that up to Shizune.

Oh hey, if anyone's interested, I'm starting a new Horde Druid on Madoran US (WoW), named Moriya for giggles as a distraction.

[JTemby]

Now You are probably thinking:
"The Fuck did I just read!?"
Good.
That was the plan.

Oh gawd!
You atmosphere was brilliant however the pacing of your plot left something to be desired.
Your one flaw was not writing Kenji in as the Hulk, and with that considered, I give "I am Haiso-man" a 3/10

(Please.... PLEASE!... Don't consider writing as a career ._.)

AAAANNNNYWAY... Once again, fantastic chapter Helbereth.
Your use of the characters as well as the references to the other popular fanfics made me smile with an absolute representation of glee.
"THEY'RE ALL JUST SO CUTE!"
-Sigh-
You struck an emotional cord with how you represented Emi though, for the sake of intrigue, I hope she shows up more often now.
...I seem to be rambling rather than giving praise/criticism so I'mma just stop here.

Edit: 25th post, and I'm feelin' good.

[LOL WUT]

(Please.... PLEASE!... Don't consider writing as a career ._.)

Oh Lord I can picture the book.

"How To Write Terrible Stories"

Ugh.
The thought makes me shudder.

But no worries as I plan on being a doctor.