Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[Nyzer]

So today's the day before we All split off and go back to our homes and such. I saw my dad crying over his 90 year old grandma as they were saying goodbye. Was such a sad sight. Makes what I'm about do with his life and everything even harder. You guys have no idea how hard this is for me. I mean I still love my dad, but the right thing has to be done. Jeebus

What you're going to do? He did it. Period. He has no reason to not know the consequences, especially as he's lived through them before. If he wants to keep playing with fire, he's going to get burnt. Better to bring that to light before he brings everyone else down with his blaze.

[Xiious]

I agree with Walrusfella. The joking tone and off-topic happy-go-lucky chat actually turns some people away from this place, at least that's what I find. Sometimes I find myself waiting days to post a little update just cause things go off topic and I am not one to post in the middle of off-topic praddle for fear it may just be lost in the BS. No offense, but some people like the serious tone. Everywhere else on the internet are places that you could go to joke around on pages on end. But this thread is for those serious people who just CAN'T handle the upbeat tone. Some people may be far from the path of healing, at that point where laughter and joking tend to push people away. And here they can feel more comfortable and talk, a place to start healing.

It's like a room in your house. You're talking with some people about some very serious matters, then other people come along inside and start making jokes and being all happy in a place not meant for that kind of thing.

I'm sorry for sounding bitchy, I've slept next to nothing past few days. Everyone is still welcome, I just hope that the off-topic joking around dies to a dull roar instead of shouting on multiple pages. In threads like these, off-topic is the enemy, as it could potentially get the thread locked. Which, would devastate some people who have come to call this little place peace.

I've tried meditating years ago, never worked. I used to be in a martial arts school, so I know the proper technique and everything. But nothing stops the nightmares...

@Nyzer: I've decided to let them off the hook, but that doesn't mean it still didn't hurt tremendously. I just don't have the time in my life at the current moment to worry about what others do. Also, I still have Latias, and will always treasure it.

[Camoufrage]

@Xiious
Yeah I guess I could agree it was out of control. Still was worth it and it certainly helped me out for what its worth

@Nyzer
Yeah I know, he does deserve it. But he's still my dad and I love him, its gonna sick when he finds out I pulled the plug is all.

[Nyzer]

Yeah I know, he does deserve it. But he's still my dad and I love him, its gonna sick when he finds out I pulled the plug is all.

At the risk of being an asshole, I'm just gonna say that I have no sympathy for the guy whatsoever.

If he blames you for blowing the whistle on his utterly immoral actions, maybe he shouldn't have been enough of a complete dumbass to not only record that on an item he keeps around the house, but to then not even put a basic password on it, and then to allow someone else to freely use it.
One could also say that he shouldn't have been cheating in the first place but I think that ship has sailed at this point.

[gragon]

I've tried meditating years ago, never worked. I used to be in a martial arts school, so I know the proper technique and everything. But nothing stops the nightmares..

well then i can only advice one more thing. medication... try and ask your doc. for anti-depressing stuff. it helps tough i have seen the bad effects of it you wil get hungry and i mean HUNGRY! but i think if you dont use it after this then you'll be fine.

update
i think im getting more and more distand from a friend. i just noticed i get pissed about the way he talks about everything. he is getting pretty arrogant i just told him how i started working out again. and he just said ''well i run for 90 min non-stop'' then i said ''yea but keep in mind i rugby too! '' he replies with ''well you dont rugby now do you? and besides running with a layout is for people who do sports beside that too.'' i just cant stand him anymore he always wants to be better then me and the other ones. the most anoying thing is wen i try to walk away from him he always talks me back in. but this time that isnt going to happen. its sad to lose a friend but friends are meant to suport you and not try to push you down and make you feel bad right?

[Pyramid Head]

I've tried meditating years ago, never worked. I used to be in a martial arts school, so I know the proper technique and everything. But nothing stops the nightmares..

well then i can only advice one more thing. medication... try and ask your doc. for anti-depressing stuff. it helps tough i have seen the bad effects of it you wil get hungry and i mean HUNGRY! but i think if you dont use it after this then you'll be fine.

update
i think im getting more and more distand from a friend. i just noticed i get pissed about the way he talks about everything. he is getting pretty arrogant i just told him how i started working out again. and he just said ''well i run for 90 min non-stop'' then i said ''yea but keep in mind i rugby too! '' he replies with ''well you dont rugby now do you? and besides running with a layout is for people who do sports beside that too.'' i just cant stand him anymore he always wants to be better then me and the other ones. the most anoying thing is wen i try to walk away from him he always talks me back in. but this time that isnt going to happen. its sad to lose a friend but friends are meant to suport you and not try to push you down and make you feel bad right?

Well that's the theory, but shit like that seems like a regular occurrence. I've had problems with "Friends" who verbally abused me to boost their own ego throughout most of middle and junior high school. Hell, the only friends i have now that i count as friends were either people i met in high school or the family of someone i hang out with because it's easy to feel better about yourself when you hang out with a socially and culturally retarded recluse, and he did admittedly help me with self esteem problems. Just don't tell my mom or sister that, my sister is still scared to death of acknowledging i might be smarter than her on some subjects. Truth be told, i'm probably the most mentally healthy one in my family just by simply being someone who can acknowledge i have problems and am willing to fix them.
And i post here and have been working months on a Katawa Shoujo fanfic. Kind of sad that we can be counted as relatively mentally healthy, isn't it?

[Xiious]

I'm immune to most medication, perscription or over-the-counter. Doctors don't know why, but my body has an unnatural resistance to meds. Sucks when I get a headache or stomachache, or a cold. There's nothing I can take to help it get better.

[Pyramid Head]

I'm immune to most medication, perscription or over-the-counter. Doctors don't know why, but my body has an unnatural resistance to meds. Sucks when I get a headache or stomachache, or a cold. There's nothing I can take to help it get better.

...weird. I know a couple of other people with drug resistance issues like that and i myself am immune to some NSAIDs and anesthetics. Still, be cautious when taking new drugs anyway, the catch with a condition like that is that there almost always seems to be an exception to the rule that hits you like a brick launched out of a fucking canon.

[Ghotiheads]

Well I'm still reading up on everyone's stories (I'm at page 28 now) but I needed to share mine. Because... Well I'm a bit unsure of the near future.

I wouldn't say I'm depressed. I have pretty positive outlook. And why shouldn't I? I can stand on my own two feet. I can reach out and interact. I can see the world. Take in all the sounds too. I live in the moment, I take a hit from life, I pick myself up, and punch back. I should be by all sound reasoning, a healthy 19 year old college student. But I'm not. I'm damaged just like anyone else here.

I'll start with my family I guess. That's easiest and the problems are far more minor there. I can sum it up in a sentence: My parents hear, but they can't listen. For nineteen years, I was raised by people who don't understand me. Oh sure they know my hobbies, but they don't know what makes me tick. I don't even think they know I had to actually sit down and think about going to art school instead of pursuing psychology. When I was younger they brushed aside my depression. They never tried to understand why their kid was so angry at others, and having thoughts of suicide. Right now things are weird between us. I blew up at them over my break three weeks ago. I told them I was sick and tired of being the one who has to do everything. How my sister, and my brother get to use the same excuses I had just used, but they managed to get away with them. It was bad. I was screaming at them. My mom ended up crying outside, out of earshot. But I knew even before dad told me. The worst thing is, I asked my dad later, if he understood why I blew up them. He had no idea. It made me feel worse. I was growing up, I saw how we had no money, how we were barely getting by. I saw all the things kids don't have to. I saw the adult world, and it was scary. And I learned that, despite my parents supporting me, they didn't know why. I had nobody to talk anymore.

I guess from here on it'd be easier to just dissect life section by section.

I didn't have many friends in elementary school, and there was one I held in higher regard then even myself. His name was Charles. From the outside, we were those two guys. We did all sorts of shit together. Always on the same teams, always hanging out. Did everything together. But we did those things because Charles wanted to. I was scenery, people were there for Charles but I was okay with that. Because I worshiped him. No other way to put it really. See the Queen Bee in those teen movies? I would have been on of the girls supporting her. Just you know, flip the genders.

Then middle school happened. Charles met other "Charles-es". We stopped hanging out, and puberty hit me like a freight train. Suddenly I had body hair, suddenly I looked thuggish. Suddenly I was that guy spoken about in hushed tones. People thought I was a hoodlum, so I was left alone. I just kind of dealt with it. I sat alone for the most part. I drifted through middle school, and nothing really happened. Charles got a new friend, and our names were even the same. This one though? He smoked pot and was actually kind of thuggish. I would be the lookout for the bus while they would light up.

High school Freshmen year. Some creepy Sophomore, kind of collected me into his group, and I make some friends with other people. These friendships lasted through the rest of high school, the creepy Sophomore didn't thankfully.

In Sophomore year I was in biology with Charles again. We were even seated next to each other. As we sat down I nodded towards him, and much to my surprise, he went to the front of the classroom. He explained how he could sit next to that kid. I was stunned. The teacher was beginning to tell him he'd just have to deal, but I got up and cut him off. I said it shouldn't be a problem, we were best friends in elementary school. He says people change. I retorted that some people start doing drugs. We nearly exchanged fists, barely stopped by the teacher. He pulled us apart and chewed me out, but it felt so DAMNED good.

I also started dating a girl I was friends with, but didn't know too well. My other friends were supportive, saying we made a cute couple (My friends were mostly girls). We dated all through out October to February but things grinded to a halt a little after Valentine's day. As a couple, we never did too much together. We went on one big date before hand(A hilarious disaster), but for the most we just spent time together at each other's houses, or in the area. I wanted to pull out all the stops since it was her birthday as well. Flowers, candy, fancy Italian Dinner. I paid for it all. An easy hundred dollars out of my pocket in one night. I thought it was worth it, I really liked this girl. Or so I thought. I'm not sure when it happened, but soon afterwards people asked if Brooke and I were still going out. I assured them that yes, we were still a thing, but people kept giving me these sad looks. I should have caught on sooner. In biology she gets thing guy Dustin, a grade A douchebag, to announce that me and her had broken up. Big gestures everything. I don't remember anything else. I apparently started interrogating people that asked me how we were doing, and they told me she had been dating a friend of mine for three weeks. It was barely a week past Valentine's Day. I approached her with this, and she didn't try to defend herself.

Next year, after a trip from New York, I got a pretty bad hit from life. I had a seizure in a parking lot. Describing the seizure is easy. One minute I'm holding a door open, the next dad is cradling me with a terrified look on his face. Then, the pain kicks in. It's like a wave and it hurts like hell. We go to the hospital they do CAT scans, they find nothing wrong. One of the doctors recommends a Spinal Tap. It's where they get a long needle, and stick it into your back to take out spinal fluid. They dope you up on pain killers until you're numb, and it still feels like a sharp kick to the back. They go test my fluid and I'm laying in bed drained. The whole day has passed with me wondering what the hell is wrong. They come back.... Asking to do another tap. All I want to do is yell. The first one was bad enough, but a second? OH NO. Not me, no way. I do what anyone else would do in the situation, I nod dumbly and get another dose of Kick-square-in-the-back-via-needle. I'm allowed to go home, but once the meds wore off, I couldn't move. There wasn't an inch of me that didn't hurt. It was like lactic Acid, but everywhere and more painful still. And they never found out what was wrong. To this day we just assume low sodium level, but my back? It hasn't been the same since. It hurts all the time, and I had to quit Martial Arts. The one outlet I really had since all the moves gave me terrible pain.

In senior year I briefly dated again with a friend again, let's call her Mouse. My best friend sort of hooked us up and I was all for it, since the only thing holding me back was that Mouse had dated a friend of mine. It didn't last long. Mouse was jealous of me and my friend. She shouldn't have been, but she was. Maybe there were other reasons, but my friend? She was a lesbian. We all knew too. I couldn't believe Mouse. I didn't make a show of it, but I cut things off. A week later, I get stupid. I don't try crawling back to Mouse, but avoid my friend. I blamed her. Stupid of me, but I did. After a week of feeling shitty, and I gave myself a good hard look in the mirror at school. I gritted my teeth, and I asked my self where I got the nerve to blame my friend before breaking the mirror. Thankfully I didn't get in trouble, but man my fist hurt for few minutes. Mirrors are also actually incredibly fragile. The more you know I guess.

That was most of High school I guess. Some other stuff happened. One instance I'd like to forget included, but for the most part that was it. I thought that was the extent of my damage. Terrible back, and some bad decisions. But things are never simple. Something happened recently, over break. The one where I exploded.

I think I had a heart attack.

I had been jogging, sprinting when I had the energy, and suddenly it happened under an overpass. My chest was throbbing, I grabbed my sides and fell to the side. It felt terrible, and I could see a steady painful pounding through my shirt my breath was short, I couldn't focus. I laid there for what felt like an eternity. Eventually, the pain dwindled to a numb feeling. It still hurt, but I could move. I was drenched in sweat. and I had trouble focusing. I more or less crawled home, but since then? Since then my chest has been on fire. A sharp breath is all it takes for the pain to fluctuate. And it's always there. I can move around, but when it hits, it can take me down. I'm getting checked up on in a couple of days. I can't afford a hospital, so I'm going to the free clinic. But I can't sleep. I'm too worried, not to mention it feels like my chest in a vice. I don't know if I can get back up from this hit. Everything just feels so unsure right now. The only thing I know is my chest pain isn't getting any better. Today was bad. I tried some breathing exercises, but I had to stop. It even hurts to laugh. I'll figure this out, but I'm not sure I want to know the answer.

There was another thing, but I've never told anyone. It's pretty bad, but how do I even go about saying something like that? I'm not even sure people would believe me.

[Pyramid Head]

Sorry to say, but the realization that your parents aren't quite as all knowing as you once thought they were or they try to make themselves out to be is a common occurrence. A lot of people who have kids rarely know how to properly deal with them, and it gets pretty bad for the black sheep among siblings. My experience was a little different from yours since both me and my sister are far from normal, i'm autistic and while i am socially awkward and certain societal norms have no meaning to me i am still smart and have a very good memory, but still had some school subjects i struggled with. My sister was my polar opposite in some ways, she's obsessive compulsive but somehow, and please try not to ask how this is possible, is even more socially ignorant than i am. Someone with no developmental disorders who lived a relatively healthy life knew less about people and society than an autistic who was predisposed to be a slow learner about that matter. Despite doing well in school, i think my sister may have to be among the dumbest people i know.
My parents... well that's an unusual story. Both of them had their own problems and while my mom has improved a lot lately thanks to some medications, she and my sister had a tendency to fight all the time because they are both extremely stubborn and magnets for trouble but neither have the spine to try and fix the problem, and people with similar negative traits tend to have tension between them. But while my mom understood my sister too well, she knew nothing about autistics and to this day still thinks i have a serious mental condition (It's really an extremely mild behavioral disorder with negative effects i got over when i was 17 thanks to a school counselor) brought on by a dental procedure gone wrong. She has a lot of problems understanding where i come from, but despite our...
*Ahem* colorful past, these days our real problem and the source of most of our arguments is her steadfast refusal to see that i've grown up and do know about the way society works, but at the same time she herself is deeply paranoid and just as socially ignorant as my sister. My sister though is even worse and while i can act civil at times the gaps in our intelligences (She is far dumber than me on a lot of subjects) does create tension, though her weirdest habit that creates the most problems is her bizarre phobia of acknowledging i might be smarter than her. She has some pretty unusual self esteem issues (Which contrary to what my mom thinks exists with my sister alone) and while we haven't fought recently because she's moved out of town and we see a lot less of each other, it's hard for us to spend a lot of time together without fighting because of her unusual issues.
My dad though is the weirdest. He's also autistic though it went undiagnosed because of his age but his condition is worse than mine, he does need prescription treatment for it and while he's not the dumbest one in our family (That remains to be my sister) he may be the least mature. He's got a lot of health problems made worse by a diet that makes Morgan Spurlock's McDonalds binge seem healthy and made even worse by a physical handicap that keeps him from exercising properly. He COULD improve his situation but the process would be arduous and painful so he doesn't.
As far as our interactions while right now things are mostly fine, we tend to have varying ideas on when it's time to tell a person to fuck off and change services, around the time i was 16 and i began to mature into an adult he had the hardest time acknowledging who i was becoming. He thought my sense of humor darkening and me becoming more cynical was just a phase (Far FAR from the truth because it's probably the only consistency in my personality since those annoying teen years) and he also had a tendency not to speak up when a problem was arising. He also tends to act surprised when i do argue with my mom even though he knows i get pissed off when my mom suggests something i already turned down. I mean c'mon dad i know you have a bad memory but when have you ever seen me react positively to my mom's stupid suggestions before repetition #132?

Still, i can offer you advice on that. People are entirely wrong when they try to paint the miracle of family bonds, take a moment to evaluate your parents personalities and approach them as strangers to know who they really are instead of what they wanted their naive little cum sprout to think. Not always going to be pleasant but sometimes it's better to just think of them as friends or acquaitences or bitter enemies than to continue to think there is some unconditional magical relationship between parent and offspring. Hell, if i didn't take the time to learn about my mom's past and get context for her behavior we'd never get along.
Of course that's why i don't often get along with my sister. I've known her since we were little and her growth was fucking baffling. Taking a step back and looking at this strange little woman i've known since i was two, i can't figure out what the fuck is going on. Okay, obsessive compulsive, whoop-dee-fucking-doo i'm fairly certain my best friend is also a little obsessive, in fact some claim all Asperger's patients are, but devoutly religious? Where did that come from? Supports the idea of teen abstinence? Wait, she isn't dumb enough to actually buy into the underlying message of the first few Twilight books, is she? Engaged to be married but she and her fiance are too young to drink.
...what in fucks name possessed her to do that? Okay the wedding isn't set until they graduate but it still seems like adding a pointless gimmick to their relationship. Though she is a casual gamer with a smart phone and a Wii, she seems to have an unhealthy obsession with stupid gimmicky bullshit. Still though, your siblings can be a source of undue stress unless you get to know them like an outsider and determine whether or not you should give up on them.



Anyway onto the more serious matter, at your age and with your history of severe medical problems i'd see a doctor about your chest. It doesn't sound like a heart attack but there are plenty of things i can think of that would cause pain like that, and it's not something that should be taken lightly. Easier typed than done, but the fear of what the answer might be is something that you should ignore, it's always better to find out what is going on with your body because letting the problem linger could lead to you having a medical emergency that would leave you in massive debt if your family doesn't have insurance. If you are concerned about the doctor just remember they are ethically obligated to keep your medical reports confidential and to take care of you, they'd get sued for every penny otherwise.

[Kouryuu]

@Ghotiheads - Thanks for your story. I too have issues with my parents, they really failed when it came to raising me. The simple way to say it is my mum spoiled me and my dad was overly strict which then devolved into him hating/ignoring me. Neither of them knew how to raise me at all, I look back and they are a failure and I hate them for that. It's why I dont want kids, I dont know how to raise them and I dont want to be as shit a parent as both of mine. Sure they tried but they have no idea, I just feel sorry for my sister. Why the fuck would my parents have a second kid?? Long story short they never help me and I feel like they gave up on me (my dad gave up on me when I was around 12-13 and my mum probably when I was 17-18, I am 21 now). I have to do everything myself which is hard considering I have no confidence and until the last year had no will to live. It's like I'm climbing out of a giant hole I been digging since I was 12-13.

I hope that you can get help for your chest/heart. Better to stay calm and positive even though that probably sounds impossible right now. You better come back here and keep us updated!!

[Pyramid Head]

@Ghotiheads - Thanks for your story. I too have issues with my parents, they really failed when it came to raising me. The simple way to say it is my mum spoiled me and my dad was overly strict which then devolved into him hating/ignoring me. Neither of them knew how to raise me at all, I look back and they are a failure and I hate them for that. It's why I dont want kids, I dont know how to raise them and I dont want to be as shit a parent as both of mine. Sure they tried but they have no idea, I just feel sorry for my sister. Why the fuck would my parents have a second kid?? Long story short they never help me and I feel like they gave up on me (my dad gave up on me when I was around 12-13 and my mum probably when I was 17-18, I am 21 now). I have to do everything myself which is hard considering I have no confidence and until the last year had no will to live. It's like I'm climbing out of a giant hole I been digging since I was 12-13.

I hope that you can get help for your chest/heart. Better to stay calm and positive even though that probably sounds impossible right now. You better come back here and keep us updated!!

While i feel the same way you do about the whole reproducing thing, i feel obligated to bring up something a friend of mine taught me. My friend had negligent parents who were never around, he fell in love with the daughter of an abusive prick and an alcoholic, and so far is doing a good job raising a family with her because they know how NOT to do it. And really, how not to do it is all you need to know since with kids you need to be able to adapt. One of the plus sides to getting through an abusive childhood relatively sane is that you never wish your fate on someone else and aren't too likely to do it to your own cum sprouts.
...or that's the theory anyway. If for some reason you do have kids, be sure to keep a stress relief ball handy and have a room where you can play BioShock in peace.

[Kouryuu]

While i feel the same way you do about the whole reproducing thing, i feel obligated to bring up something a friend of mine taught me. My friend had negligent parents who were never around, he fell in love with the daughter of an abusive prick and an alcoholic, and so far is doing a good job raising a family with her because they know how NOT to do it. And really, how not to do it is all you need to know since with kids you need to be able to adapt. One of the plus sides to getting through an abusive childhood relatively sane is that you never wish your fate on someone else and aren't too likely to do it to your own cum sprouts.
...or that's the theory anyway. If for some reason you do have kids, be sure to keep a stress relief ball handy and have a room where you can play BioShock in peace.

Good point but its not as simple as that as I'm sure your aware. Way too complex to raise someone, just knowing what you didnt like about your own upbringing doesnt mean you know anything or at least thats what I think. I am steering clear of having kids, it has bad idea written all over it.

[Pyramid Head]

While i feel the same way you do about the whole reproducing thing, i feel obligated to bring up something a friend of mine taught me. My friend had negligent parents who were never around, he fell in love with the daughter of an abusive prick and an alcoholic, and so far is doing a good job raising a family with her because they know how NOT to do it. And really, how not to do it is all you need to know since with kids you need to be able to adapt. One of the plus sides to getting through an abusive childhood relatively sane is that you never wish your fate on someone else and aren't too likely to do it to your own cum sprouts.
...or that's the theory anyway. If for some reason you do have kids, be sure to keep a stress relief ball handy and have a room where you can play BioShock in peace.

Good point but its not as simple as that as I'm sure your aware. Way too complex to raise someone, just knowing what you didnt like about your own upbringing doesnt mean you know anything or at least thats what I think. I am steering clear of having kids, it has bad idea written all over it.

Tell me about it. Furthering the existence of the human race? Bad idea.

[Kutagh]

I think that I can safely say that almost all parents don't know how to be parents. Everyone has their own interpretations of being parents and in the end we can only hope for them to try their best.

As for my parents, I count myself lucky. They're not strict and do listen to me. They do not assume to truly know me, as there are still things about my past or feelings that they didn't know and that is why they try to listen to me.
I can't say that they were flawless parents (and neither do they think they were) but overall I think they ended up being good parents. Keep in mind that nobody in my family is deaf or has experience with the Deaf. Yet they tried to bring out the best in me. They admit that if they knew early enough that I was deaf, as opposed to finding out that I was hearing impaired, sending me to a special school (for light hearing impairments and language problems) and then finding out that I was deaf, they'd have sent me to a Deaf school. But on a Deaf school I don't know if I would've been in my current position right now, being able to easily socialize with my classmates and such, I don't even know if I would've been able to follow the lectures (due to being used to Sign Language as primary language in class and suddenly having to use an interpreter instead of having used an interpreter for over 8 years by now). I might've ended up like Shizune, isolated. So due to a chain of minor mistakes due to circumstances, IMO I ended up in a relatively good situation.

I agree though that bad parents can be an example for what to avoid. For example with religion, my mother was baptized and was forced to go to church until she moved out (well, I wouldn't call her parents bad, but I do disagree with certain decisions). She decided that she didn't want to force us anything like that, opting to give us the choice of religion and of going to the church/whatever (not that my sister nor I became religious). I think part of that also affected how I react to certain methods of convincing me to do things: Being really pushy, repeating multiple times and so on, doesn't work with me while telling me once and giving me the choice then, has a higher success rate.

@Kouryuu: True, you only know one of the bad ways but not the good way. Nor is there an universal good way to raise your kids. As for not having kids, I'm not going that far. I do have doubts about raising them early on, as you need to be a lot more aware for/about them since they cannot communicate as well with you and really depend on you. But I think I wouldn't worry too much about raising a teenager (I'll probably really regret saying that in 20 years when I have a teenager lol).