Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[Walrusfella]

Good to know you, Helbereth. I've read each installment. I had some similar experiences (graduated highschool in 2001, and was happy to see the back of that place), though my circumstances were different. You write very well.

I can understand why you hesitated to attatch your "name" to your tale at first. The internet has a very accurate memory. I've been using variations on "Walrusfella" for about as long, and if someone I knew read all my posts on the KS forums they could probably figure out who I am exactly. Taking ownership of your story was a cool thing for you to do.

[Erenussocrates]

Anyone who tries to persecute you on internet one way or another, should go to hell, Mr. Helbereth. You got our respect here, and nothing else matters in my opinion.

[Kouryuu]

Just want to update, I am going to see a counsellor soon. I have been before and while that time it made me worse, this time I am going for a completely different reason. I need advise and I think they can give it, plus its a free service. ^^

Also random tidbit - I had a bit of a breakdown today but I managed to recover in around 40mins, usually it takes days. The last one before that took about 18ish hours. Feels good . What I did was put all my worry into a plan, might sound odd but it helps me. Instead of worrying over something, I can know I have a plan to follow to fix what I am worried about and that seems to settle me down.

I still havent managed to apply for a job yet, I been learning how to write a cover letter/email. I write 2 lines in the last few days but I have no idea what to put even when I read sites that tell me exactly what to do :s. I asked my mum for help but she said "not tonight" last night and then I havent spoken to her since. Once I write something up that I like then I should be able to apply for jobs and also send mails to random companies. Then the next step is calling people and agencies.

[Pseudogenesis]

The amount of familiar stories here has been overwhelming. And that's just me reading the last three or four pages. I'll have to delve deeper a different time.


I think "Bullying" isn't a decent word. It's seems childish, almost comical, certainly unfit to describe the hell a person can go through when people turn on them. People who I thought were my friends treated me like shit through elementary and junior high, and it's only served to make me less trusting. I think I may have a very minor form of Asperger's, although I was never diagnosed with it. My brother was, and we tend to share the same issues. I'm not entirely comfortable with making eye contact, and don't open up at all around people that I don't know. My social senses are lacking, I guess you could say. I've got no intuitive sense for the way a conversation should flow, and I stumble through interactions repeatedly around those I'm not comfortable with, which is basically all but my closest friends. This is why, I guess, that I was placed on a fringe when I was younger. I didn't care so much back then how I acted around people, and they tended to treat me like shit for it. This other kid and I were the outcasts in elementary, and I was lucky enough to be accepted into the social circle. He wasn't.

In middle school, I made a few enemies by being a general idiot with a disregard for the way things are supposed to be. The mistreatment I received was largely verbal, although I remember being punched in the face when I was standing in a crowd. I did nothing, because that's the way I dealt with things like that.

I entered high school as a shadow of my former, personable self. It's miserable to have memories of doing idiotic things that provoke nothing but derision from those around you, and I went over these far too often, almost on a daily basis. I was hollow, and refused to let myself relax around anyone that I didn't already trust. Solitary lunches, dreading group projects, all the familiar cliches. I've been lucky enough to have a few good friends, though. I've been shrugging off some of the fear that accompanies meeting people I don't know, and I've been getting better by the year. I'll be entering senior year in a few months as merely a slightly shy kid. I can't see myself making many close friends after high school, but as long as I can keep the ones I have, I'll be wholly grateful.

That being said, it's helped to see others with similar problems. I've always pitied myself for what I'd become, but that seems selfish now that I've seen how much worse it could have been, and how inconsequential many of my problems are. KS, more than anything, has inspired me to realize how well off I am, after all these years of thinking that there's something inherently wrong with me.

Sorry about all the "I"s. I don't often get the opportunity to voice these thoughts, and it's good to have a place of understanding and anonymity to deposit them in.

[Kouryuu]

@Pseudogenesis - Its always nice to get some perspective ^^.

[Tomate]

. I think I may have a very minor form of Asperger's, although I was never diagnosed with it.

I'm sure you are just awkward and not with a very minor aspergers. Its pretty normal, you know. I remember being really awkward when i was a teen.

[Helbereth]

. I think I may have a very minor form of Asperger's, although I was never diagnosed with it.

I'm sure you are just awkward and not with a very minor aspergers. Its pretty normal, you know. I remember being really awkward when i was a teen.

It's completely possible, though. Asperger's seems to have varying degrees of diagnosis.

My brother, for instance, was diagnosed as Schizophrenic with mild Aspergers. Now, the schizophrenia is fairly obvious. When he's not on his meds (which is pretty much never now, he's careful like that), he becomes increasingly manic and can reach a state of catatonia. During his 'first break' when he was 21, before they had diagnosed him, he was a complete mess.

Prior to that, for all his life, really, there were signs of him being abnormal that we simply never identified as such. The schizophrenia wasn't part of it - he hadn't had his first break yet, and those symptoms weren't even part of the equasion. He was a thumb-sucker from early on and remained as such until he was in High School, for instance. He also wore a path in the back yard - about 30 feet in length - continually pacing back and forth while talking out ideas with himself. He loves writing, and we always thought the thumb-sucking and pacing were just ways he'd use to think. As it turns out, it's completely possible they were indicative of Asperger's. He still keeps that path worn down in the back yard whenever he's at the house.

I said before he was a bit gullible, too. That was probably another sign. He's quite terrible at understanding sarcasm, and has said that he's unable to distinguish tone of voice. This also makes it difficult for him to tell when someone is 'laughing with' versus 'laughing at' him, unless someone points out the difference. When he was younger, he tended to simply laugh along with regardless of whether he was actually being laughed at. Later in life (well, really since middle-school), he's become a bit jaded and usually assumes he's being laughed at even though that's usually not the case - it can make joking around with him strenuous. It also resulted in some violent outbursts when he was in school.

I say the condition is mild because it hasn't crippled him socially. Far from it, really. He's the most socially active of the three of us, honestly. Even though he tends to miss things like tone of voice, he's gotten better at reading expressions to indicate the context. Phone conversations are hard for him, though. He goes out of his way to visit people rather than calling them as a result.

In any case, Aspergers is more of a cognitive disorder that makes it difficult to pick up on social cues. It can be mild like my brother, who misses tone of voice. It can also be much more severe, though. According to what I've read, it can cause someone to lack empathy and mimic symptoms of sociopathy.

What I still don't know is if it might eventually degenerate as such.

[Total Destruction]

Asperger's stfu

I feel crazy 'cuz I can't really identify with a lot of you guys and gals on the HBHC. You all have really crazy damage, but keep on kickin', and it makes me feel like a punk because all that's wrong with me is a predilection for things that kill me, hahah. So I'm content to draw from a bottomless well of positivity and bad decisions and be everyone's cheerleader, their hype-man from the sidelines. I don't KNOW an awful lot.

But I DO know all about Asperger's.

You don't have it. Nobody really does, and like Mr. Helbereth stated before, is often a complete misdiagnosis, either actually being legit autism or scizophrenia OR simply being the result of spending more time with Mario, Ryu, and Cloud instead of other kids and trees and sticks and stuff. (I'm in that weird generational gap where kids spent a roughly equal time playing outside, getting into trouble and brushing with death as well as sitting in front of the idiot box for just FIVE MORE MINUTES stuck on that fucking pipe level.)

Asperger's is the new ADHD. It's a complete misnomer and an absolute fallacy, existing only to pump more drugs into our kids and give maladjusted kids and their parents justification for being a tad awkward and an imaginary free pass for the bullshit that comes out of it.

Why am I so vehement about this? I've been diagnosed since I was a teenager, and I've been trying to live down that stigma ever since.

So you can relax about that. You're a little off. Nothing wrong. You're not some mentally deficient person, nor are you a serial killer. You're just weird.



/rant

[Pseudogenesis]

Asperger's stfu

I feel crazy 'cuz I can't really identify with a lot of you guys and gals on the HBHC. You all have really crazy damage, but keep on kickin', and it makes me feel like a punk because all that's wrong with me is a predilection for things that kill me, hahah. So I'm content to draw from a bottomless well of positivity and bad decisions and be everyone's cheerleader, their hype-man from the sidelines. I don't KNOW an awful lot.

But I DO know all about Asperger's.

You don't have it. Nobody really does, and like Mr. Helbereth stated before, is often a complete misdiagnosis, either actually being legit autism or scizophrenia OR simply being the result of spending more time with Mario, Ryu, and Cloud instead of other kids and trees and sticks and stuff. (I'm in that weird generational gap where kids spent a roughly equal time playing outside, getting into trouble and brushing with death as well as sitting in front of the idiot box for just FIVE MORE MINUTES stuck on that fucking pipe level.)

Asperger's is the new ADHD. It's a complete misnomer and an absolute fallacy, existing only to pump more drugs into our kids and give maladjusted kids and their parents justification for being a tad awkward and an imaginary free pass for the bullshit that comes out of it.

Why am I so vehement about this? I've been diagnosed since I was a teenager, and I've been trying to live down that stigma ever since.

So you can relax about that. You're a little off. Nothing wrong. You're not some mentally deficient person, nor are you a serial killer. You're just weird.



/rant

Well that's entirely fair. I only said so because my little brother was diagnosed with a very minor form of Asperger's, and we tend to share the same neuroses. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid as well, but fortunately I didn't have to undergo medication or being treated too differently by others. Can't say anything about it being a scapegoat diagnosis designed to drain parents of their funds, but I guess I'll keep my eyes open.

I wasn't trying to self-diagnose based on a limited understanding of abnormal psychology or anything like that. We've got a fair amount of diagnoses like this in our immediate family, so I just assumed I'd been grazed by a bullet. Thanks for not being a dick about it, though.

[dwarduk]

You don't have it. Nobody really does, and like Mr. Helbereth stated before, is often a complete misdiagnosis, either actually being legit autism or scizophrenia OR simply being the result of spending more time with Mario, Ryu, and Cloud instead of other kids and trees and sticks and stuff.

Technically correct. Asperger's is 'legit' autism, just (generally) at the less severe end, with higher function. As for its features, it isn't just social problems; the most notable in my opinion is the obsessive and limited interests. I suppose you'd try to call that some sort of obsessive disorder. The overly formal and eloquent speech in adolescence? Oh, that's clearly narcissism, using it to show themselves as better than the rest...

Look, I agree that many mental health diagnoses are flawed, but Asperger's is a pretty good descriptor for this demographic.

Asperger's is the new ADHD. It's a complete misnomer and an absolute fallacy, existing only to pump more drugs into our kids and give maladjusted kids and their parents justification for being a tad awkward and an imaginary free pass for the bullshit that comes out of it.

Drugs? For Asperger's? I've never heard of any of this... As for the maladjusted bit, that's just plain harsh! In my experience, it's a hell of a lot closer to yangire than 'maladjusted'...

Why am I so vehement about this? I've been diagnosed since I was a teenager, and I've been trying to live down that stigma ever since.

I was diagnosed when I was 10. It helped with the stigma, bringing a new understanding of my clumsiness; episodes of fury with no control; seeming idiocy with inability to understand anything not spoken literally...

In short, the diagnosis made those aware of it stop seeing me as a 'problem child' to be corrected, and more of a 'child with a problem' that needs some additional help and support. While I now want to shake off that support, I can't deny how useful its availability has been to me. There was no difference between that and Lilly's requiring guidance to navigate, or Emi's copious time spent with the nurse checking on her prostheses. </rant>

[Total Destruction]

@Pseudogenesis: Parry.

@dwarduk: Riposte.



Good counterpoints here. My feelings on the subject don't change, but yeah, I know what you mean. I've got this cousin that's like full-blown Rain Man autistic, and while similarities in temperament and obsession exist, there's clearly a line drawn. He's nuts, hahah.

So yeah, no trying to be a dick on my part at all. Just someone REALLY disillusioned with that particular strain of mental nonsense and, you know, T.D. being T.D. Chicks and booze, go.

[Pseudogenesis]

@Pseudogenesis: Parry.

@dwarduk: Riposte.

Between us we're fencing champions

[dwarduk]

Between us we're fencing champions

Just wait until you see my mad palisade skills

So yeah, no trying to be a dick on my part at all. Just someone REALLY disillusioned with that particular strain of mental nonsense and, you know, T.D. being T.D. Chicks and booze, go.

I can really understand that. If you'd known me 5 years ago, you'd probably have thought the same as about your brother; I certainly think of my past self that way. I guess I'm mostly relieved this didn't turn into a flame war (which would have been totally my fault -.-)

[ewok40k]

Just hopping in "Misha style" to say had my party with friends of old, reminiscing some brighter memories and generally having fun. Also been going to the local beach lately, while being alone amongst groups of people having fun stung a little bit, the sights made up for it. 3D swimsuits have its merits

[Erenussocrates]

Well, my psychiatrist had diagnosed me with Asperger's one or two years ago. I don't think that it's hereditary or genetics or anything. Because according to my psychiatrist, usually the main issues of Asperger's was being too obsessive about some particular subject, while being a little more careless about anything else. As our childhood pasts influence our overall personality, I could say that the events happened in one's childhood or one's excessive personal interests in his childhood could inevitably render him socially unexperienced over time.
But ofcourse it has not a certain specific definition, like you guys said.

Thus, my psychiatrist has added that I may or may not had Asperger's. I told before that I was really socially awkward and deppressive throughout highschool, especially around my freshman years. My only interests and distraction were anime and some video games. Though I was not much open to new games nor new series and I would continually watch the same anime series and play the same video games. And I was very, very defensive about myself. I couldn't even imagine myself talking about these stuff while I was in my freshman year. Things like these may or may not be the excuse for diagnosing one with Asperger's.

But what I know is, I've shaken off from that state after I returned to my hometown while I was at highschool 3rd grade. Spending time with friends, getting to know new people and doing some different activities helps big time, really. I've gained new pursuits and all the stuff as well, as my psychiatrist noted all the differences when I visited him next.

Though after reading your posts my main concern now is, are certain rituals or routines might be the signal for schizophrenia in the future? Because, I noticed that usually when I'm alone in home, and when I'm thinking over something hard, I leave my seat and start wandering around in home while I'm thinking. I also just suddenly laugh all by myself when I remember something funny or think of something funny that's in the past, and I also do it when there are other people around me too. And sometimes it causes really awkward situations leading people asking me why I laught. I don't know if these things are normal or not, but I had even weirder rituals as well, in the past.
So now I'm really afraid of having schizophrenia some time in future, as generally people at my age are diagnosed with it. Schizophrenia comes suddenly, you know..