"It's big post time!"
"No Flutist no!"
So I've read all of your feedback, and it was indeed very useful. Of all the ideas you suggested, I've chosen to
1-Stop the dream at the the school of worms scene, as Helbereth suggested. It's true that the rest is pretty much a slow transition to Hisao waking up with a half-assed attempt at being relevant.
2-Let Hisao get a bit angry at Hanako during the walk scene. It's believable, easy to implement, and while the essence of the dialogue is pretty much the same, it gives off a different vibe. Hopefully.
Additionally, I've added an extra line to the snowy soccer scene, which helps in making it actually relevant and foreshadowing of things to come.
The chapter proper has been altered, here is the older version for those interested :
Old dream sequence
The soccer ball flies right into my left foot. I have no trouble catching it, and stride forward with it towards the other's team goal. I spot someone running to intercept me, look around, and see a teammate in a decent enough position to receive the ball. I give it a good kick, and sure enough, it lands close to the fellow. He pushes onwards and, having found a good spot, sends the ball flying in their goal, prompting loud cheers from all the team. We won.
I stop running and catch my breath, hands on my knees. I stare blankly at the snowy ground for a few moments, then take a look around.
The sky is an uniform light grey. The soccer field is covered in pristine snow, in sheer contradiction with the fact that a bunch of people just spent more than an hour running around in it. It is surrounded in all direction by an equally snowy forest of black, naked trees. Their leafless branches move around with the chilly wind in a clatter I recognize all too well.
I quickly move my hand to my chest.
...
Nothing. I'm good. I'm good.
"Hey, Hisao!" one of my teammate calls.
I recognize him. He was a good friend from my old high-school. A bit quirky. I don't recall him playing soccer with us, though.
"You did good mate! C'me on now!" he cheers with a friendly slap on my shoulder.
I stand up and follow him.
I notice only now that all the people here, myself included, are clad in black mantles complete with black gloves, black jeans and black slippers.
No good. This isn't the kind of stuff you want to wear to play soccer... though I suppose now that it's over, it make sense. It's winter after all.
It's all strangely picturesque, seeing us all in black in an utterly white field, with an utterly grey sky and surrounded by black trees. If it wasn't for our faces, reddened by the cold and the exercice, I wouldn't see any color to speak of here.
On the other side of the field, I catch the sight of a lonely, black-clad figure facing away.
My friend notices.
"You wanna talk to Iwanako? Guess you two have a few things to discuss. We'll go ahead and you catch up with us later, eh?"
I nod, advancing to the girl.
Iwanako...
I honestly don't know what we could discuss, really. But I want to know how she's been doing, at least. How she's really been doing, not the whitewashed version I got in her letter.
"Iwanako!" I call out.
She turns around.
Why is she floating away?
The trees are doing it too.
Oh, she isn't floating away. I'm falling. Through the snow.
She trees, the soccer field, Iwanako, everything, is engulfed by whiteness. I am now surrounded by white.
...
And it's very dull.
Just as I'm pondering how dull falling through white nothingness can be, I land, face first, on something soft, making a muffled sound.
Confused by the rather abrupt landing, I fumble, get on my knees and blink several times.
I'm in the middle of a desert. The vast, yellow expanse goes farther than I can see. The wind is still there, making the sand move in strange, random patterns. Sometimes it picks up and the sand flows like a dry, shallow river on the dunes. Other times, the sand dances in place in a flourished, intricate dance of small whirlwinds. The sky is now pale blue, with rare, thin clouds hovering high above in stark contrast with the previous gray overcast. It must still be early in the morning, as the light is a fresh shade of orange.
That's much better than white everywhere.
The black garments I wore have changed as well. They are now made of something halfway between leather and an insect shell, with various small tubes protuding here and there. It hugs my entire body tightly, leaving no skin uncovered.
I recognize the stillsuit, the suit worn by the Fremen, the desert people of Dune, to retain their body water while on the desert.
Well, good thing I have one.
I stand up and give my surroundings a sweeping gaze.
Dunes, nothing but sand dunes. I shrug and begin to climb up the highest one to see if there's anything else to this desert.
The top of the dune reveals a valley down below, not very large, but so long I can't see its end from here, and walled off by high cliffs on each sides. The valley itself is, surprisingly enough...covered by sand, and goes further down in a gentle slope, with strange finger-like rocks protuding everywhere from the ground. Most of them a few meters tall, with a few bigger ones. The sand of the dune I stand on has overcome the rocky barrier, providing a quick and safe way to get inside. But it'll probably be too steep to climb back.
...
...Might as well do it. There's shadow down there, and it'll probably be more interesting to explore than just sand.
I take the jump and slide down the dune, stumbling a little at end.
I stroll around the strange rock fomation. It feels like walking in a bizarre, static stone forest. The only moving things are me, the sand...and something on my right. I turn to see another stillsuit-clad figure running down toward the rest of the valley.
I call out to draw his attention.
"Ssossoffoorossth!"
...Right, the stuff covers my face too. It still seems to have caught...her attention, as she stops and turns around. The figure is definitely feminine, with a long mane of black hair.
Wait, is she...
As she approaches, I notice her hands are out in the open, and the right one bears the mark of burn scars.
Hanako!
"Thassaffo!"
...Damn it.
She's wearing the same faceless mask as I, but it's still her. No mistakes.
She clasps her hand in mine and starts running down the slope again. I have no choice but to follow.
Despite the rocks, moving in a straight line is rather easy and we rapidly pick up speed, running down like that. At some point she leaves my hand, jumps forward, and, placing one leg in front of the other, slides down, using her arms for balance. She's going much faster that way, somehow. I quickly imitate her to catch up.
The speed rapidly picks up. I learn to mimic her motions, slaloming between the stone fingers when it really gets to fast and bolting straight down when it gets too slow. The sand makes a soft, silky sound as we slide in it, and reflects the morning light, bathing us in a golden gleam. I feel my hair flailing wildly behind me. Hanako's long hair is doing very much the same, only it's much more impressive. It looks like a long, black trail moving behind her, animated of a life of its own.
This is the pristine essence of awesome.
The slope gets steeper as we go. Soon enough, we're moving so fast we're not so much sliding in the sand as hovering over it at high speed. I realize only now that the valley has considerably narrowed, and we have little choice but to follow its thankfully straight path or crash on the cliffs.
I also realize that what I thought was more sand in front of us is, in fact, a sand waterfall backed by solid rock.
There isn't enough room for us to slow down. Uh oh.
Without a care in the world, Hanako slides on, beckoning me to follow with a wave just as she-
...silently passes through the falling sand. I slide right after her, too confused to even blink.
Beyond the sand waterfall is a dark, narrow and roughly circular tunnel of polished stone, curving upward at the end. And beyond the tunnel, a faint, blueish glow is all I can see.
The curve barely slows us down. The blue unkown gets wider and wider as we reach the end of the tunnel.
We are sent flying in a cave of immeasurable proportions. To say it's vast would be an understatement. The cave is about as wide as Yamaku and its gardens combined, with its length stretching to infinity. Its ceiling is still high above us even at the apex of our flight, and supported by massive, natural stone pillars. Round holes in the ceiling carve white columns of light into the darkness, suffusing the entire cave with the same dark blue shade I saw. Sand trickles down some of these natural skylights.
And then comes the falling part. It wasn't a really long flight, but we're still some distance away from the sand-covered floor. Hanako lands gracefully before me, executing a forward roll to cushion her fall and springing right up afterward.
I just crumple on the sand next to her with all the grace of a potato sack. It feels oddly comfortable.
I get on my knee, take the hand she offers and stand up, looking silly. She's removed her mask, and is giving me an amused smile.
Her eyes are blue. As in, her whole eyes are blue. The only distinction between the irises and the rest is their pattern. It's pretty, but I think I'll miss the old purple color. I fitted her so well.
"Let's go, Hisao."
I nod and we begin walking, hands still held.
Going through the cave is an experience on its own. The holes on the ceiling provide sufficient light, and the blue penumbra between them is more than enough to see where we're going. It feels like walking in an old, forgotten sanctuary, but still a welcoming one. I feel safe here.
At some point, I hear the distinct sound of ruffled sand, and turn to see where it comes from.
What I see leaves me speechless.
It's a sandworm. The dark, thick-skinned beast is larger and longer than a train. It rises from the sand to our right and floats in midair, moving silently in slow, slithering motions. Other worms of all sizes emerge everywhere around us. The bigger ones just go fly idly in the wide open space of the cave, or coil around the stone columns. The smaller ones, however, seem to have taken a liking on us, and come circling around us like a school of fish. The boldest among them go as far as looping around our limbs, though they never go as far as touching us.
The ambient light, the white sand and the bright holes in the ceiling make this whole scene feel otherworldly. We come to a stop, transfixed by the beauty of it.
Until a low, loud rumble echoes throughout the cave. It scares the sandworms away, making them either plunge back into the sand or fly through the holes, blocking out the light.
Only when they're gone, the light doesn't come back. The ceiling remains pitch black. The serene blue glow is replaced by an oppressive darkness.
We walk onward, wary and silent. I only hear the sounds of our footsteps in the sand.
swish-swish
swish-swish
swish-swish
swish-swish
swish-swish
swish-swish
swish-swish
tap-tap
'Tap-tap'? I look at the ground.
The sand ends abruptly, replaced by a chequered floor. The white tiles reflect a new, faint white shimmer in the distance. We move in its direction, drawn by the light.
The wind picks up again as we get closer, this time much more strongly. It pushes us toward the brightening and widening light, nearly making us trip with every gust. We're able to see better now. We're able to see slender man-shaped shadows creeping on us, and black clouds circling wildly around what now looks like a bright version of the moon.
The shadows sway around us, closing in on us. I hear them whisper what some people in the crowds said yesterday. I freeze a moment as I recognize the words. But still we go on.
The wind roars and bellows, covering their hisses. the tiles around us are sent flying and disappear in the darkness, revealing more black nothingness underneath. We trip and fall, managing to grasp a piece of the tile we stood on right before we're swallowed by the shadow.
Then, in a last thunderous howl, the wind tosses us away from our last anchor.
We are carried straight toward the light. The clouds coil around us, forming a mad whirlpool menacing to engulf us. But the wind roars on, making sure we cannot drift away.
And finally, we reach the white shimmer.
What I remember from the rest is hazy : clouds shaped like airy peaks and vales, us flying merrily around them and...not much else.
Old "why me?" scene
"Hisao?" she voices softly.
"Hmm?"
"I'm sorry... about how I was yesterday... before the restaurant... I... I wasn't just tired..."
Well that came quickly. But this time, I know what to do. I give her my warmest smile. Honesty is there once again, freed from the cage it lay in all day long.
"It's alright, Hanako. I know. Emi told me."
"She...she told you?" She blinks, looking at me with a mixture of sadness and confusion.
"Yeah...don't sweat it, it's fine."
She looks absolutely bewildered by what I just told her, and lets out a shaky breath.
"Hey, Come here," I murmur.
I pull her in a warm embrace. Her breath steadies after a short while. She shifts her head around, letting it rest on my chest.
And then, after five minutes spent warm and snug in my arms, she whispers, almost inaudibly : "...why me?"
"Uh?"
She breaks the embrace and looks into my eyes.
"Why me, Hisao? I'm just... a scarred shut-in who panics whenever she's in a room with more than two people... I push away those who try to protect me, claiming I don't want their help, and when I try to stand on my own, I eventually break down into the broken mess I really am. No matter how much you love me, I know... I know some day you'll get tired of dealing with my weakness. One day you'll have your fill of the worthless, self-conscious bag of tears that I am, and you'll walk away...and...I'll have only myself to blame."
Maybe the most frightening was that she said all this in a calm, composed tone... Could this be...what she'd been wanting to tell me, all along?
When I answer, my voice manages to be just as even-tempered as hers :
"Remember what I said yesterday? Everyone screws up, but dealing with it is what redeems them. You're not weak, Hanako, you-"
"But I am! I pretend I'm not, but I-"
"You keep facing your fears until your very mind breaks from the stress. You soldiered on yesterday, even tough you were probably swimming in renewed terror because of these assholes... Hell, your whole life was about soldiering on, holding on to the faint hope that maybe it'd get better one day. That's not being weak.
But that day has come. I love you, Hanako. I want to be here with you when your will wavers from the hardships we're put through. I want to be here with you to remind you how strong you really are. I'll do that, because I know you wouldn't do anything less for me. Because you're the kindest and most innocent soul I've ever met despite everything life already threw at you; and I want to cherish that."
How I managed to keep calm through all this, I will never know. My whole body feels cold, and it's not just the weather.
"...you...you're just...saying that." I can see her eyes gleaming behind the bangs.
"I'm not! I mean all of it, I swear it on...on...
...on Kitty," I finish.
A smile lights up her face in recognition.
"...you do mean it, don't you?"
I nod.
"...we'll always have each other?" she murmurs in a pleading voice.
Another nod. A promise. A hand passed through her beautiful hair. A reciprocated smile. A heartfelt, needed kiss. Another embrace, more honest. One of shared happiness, not one-sided comfort.
lolawesome wrote:
Also, I'm disappointed that 'music' thing didn't appear in this chapter
Just for you, here's a version of the newer dream sequence with music tracks involved. Hope that it sates your hunger for harmonically pleasant sounds for now :
First Confluence
Just as I'm pondering how dull falling through white nothingness can be, I land, face first, on something soft, making a muffled sound.
Confused by the rather abrupt landing, I fumble, get on my knees and blink several times.
I'm in the middle of a desert. The vast, yellow expanse goes farther than I can see. The wind is still there, making the sand move in strange, random patterns. Sometimes it picks up and the sand flows like a dry, shallow river on the dunes. Other times, the sand dances in place in a flourished, intricate dance of small whirlwinds. The sky is now pale blue, with rare, thin clouds hovering high above in stark contrast with the previous gray overcast. It must still be early in the morning, as the light is a fresh shade of orange.
That's much better than white everywhere.
The black garments I wore have changed as well. They are now made of something halfway between leather and an insect shell, with various small tubes protuding here and there. It hugs my entire body tightly, leaving no skin uncovered.
I recognize the stillsuit, the suit worn by the Fremen, the desert people of Dune, to retain their body water while on the desert.
Well, good thing I have one.
I stand up and give my surroundings a sweeping gaze.
Dunes, nothing but sand dunes. I shrug and begin to climb up the highest one to see if there's anything else to this desert.
The top of the dune reveals a valley down below, not very large, but so long I can't see its end from here, and walled off by high cliffs on each sides. The valley itself is, surprisingly enough...covered by sand, and goes further down in a gentle slope, with strange finger-like rocks protuding everywhere from the ground. Most of them a few meters tall, with a few bigger ones. The sand of the dune I stand on has overcome the rocky barrier, providing a quick and safe way to get inside. But it'll probably be too steep to climb back.
...
...Might as well do it. There's shadow down there, and it'll probably be more interesting to explore than just sand.
I take the jump and slide down the dune, stumbling a little at end.
Third Confluence
I stroll around the strange rock fomation. It feels like walking in a bizarre, static stone forest. The only moving things are me, the sand...and something on my right. I turn to see another stillsuit-clad figure running down toward the rest of the valley.
I call out to draw his attention.
"Ssossoffoorossth!"
...Right, the stuff covers my face too. It still seems to have caught...her attention, as she stops and turns around. The figure is definitely feminine, with a long mane of black hair.
Wait...is she...
As she approaches, I notice her hands are out in the open, and the right one bears the mark of burn scars.
Hanako!
"Thassaffo!"
...Damn it.
She's wearing the same faceless mask as I, but it's still her. No mistakes.
She clasps her hand in mine and starts running down the slope again. I have no choice but to follow.
Road of Trials
Despite the rocks, moving in a straight line is rather easy and we rapidly pick up speed, running down like that. At some point she leaves my hand, jumps forward, and, placing one leg in front of the other, slides down, using her arms for balance. She's going much faster that way, somehow. I quickly imitate her to catch up.
The speed rapidly picks up. I learn to mimic her motions, slaloming between the stone fingers when it really gets to fast and bolting straight down when it gets too slow. The sand makes a soft, silky sound as we slide in it, and reflects the morning light, bathing us in a golden gleam. I feel my hair flailing wildly behind me. Hanako's long hair is doing very much the same, only it's much more impressive. It looks like a long, black trail moving behind her, animated of a life of its own.
This is the pristine essence of awesome.
The slope gets steeper as we go. Soon enough, we're moving so fast we're not so much sliding in the sand as hovering over it at high speed. I realize only now that the valley has considerably narrowed, and we have little choice but to follow its thankfully straight path or crash on the cliffs.
I also realize that what I thought was more sand in front of us is, in fact, a sand waterfall backed by solid rock.
There isn't enough room for us to slow down. Uh oh.
Without a care in the world, Hanako slides on, beckoning me to follow with a wave just as she-
...silently passes through the falling sand. I slide right after her, too confused to even blink.
Beyond the sand waterfall is a dark, narrow and roughly circular tunnel of polished stone, curving upward at the end. And beyond the tunnel, a faint, blueish glow is all I can see.
The curve barely slows us down. The blue unkown gets wider and wider as we reach the end of the tunnel.
We are sent flying in a cave of immeasurable proportions. To say it's vast would be an understatement. The cave is about as wide as Yamaku and its gardens combined, with its length stretching to infinity. Its ceiling is still high above us even at the apex of our flight, and supported by massive, natural stone pillars. Round holes in the ceiling carve white columns of light into the darkness, suffusing the entire cave with the same dark blue shade I saw. Sand trickles down some of these natural skylights.
And then comes the falling part. It wasn't a really long flight, but we're still some distance away from the sand-covered floor. Hanako lands gracefully before me, executing a forward roll to cushion her fall and springing right up afterward.
I just crumple on the sand next to her with the grace of a potato sack. It feels oddly comfortable.
Temptations
I get on my knee, take the hand she offers and stand up, looking silly. She's removed her mask, and is giving me an amused smile.
Her eyes are blue. As in, her whole eyes are blue. The only distinction between the irises and the rest is their pattern. It's pretty, but I think I'll miss the old purple color. I fitted her so well.
"Let's go, Hisao."
I nod and we begin walking, hands still held.
Going through the cave is an experience on its own. The holes on the ceiling provide sufficient light, and the blue penumbra between them is more than enough to see where we're going. It feels like walking in an old, forgotten sanctuary, but still a welcoming one. I feel safe here.
At some point, I hear the distinct sound of ruffled sand, and turn to see where it comes from.
What I see leaves me speechless.
It's a sandworm. The dark, thick-skinned beast is larger and longer than a train. It rises from the sand to our right and floats in midair, moving silently in slow, slithering motions. Other worms of all sizes emerge everywhere around us. The bigger ones just go fly idly in the wide open space of the cave, or coil around the stone columns. The smaller ones, however, seem to have taken a liking on us, and come circling around us like a school of fish. The boldest among them go as far as looping around our limbs, though they never go as far as touching us.
The ambient light, the white sand and the bright holes in the ceiling make this whole scene feel otherworldly. We come to a stop, transfixed by the beauty of it.
Revealing of Source Material ahoy!
