TABLE OF CONTENT
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1 - Soft Passage
2 - Present Pieces
3 - Free to Soar
4 - Something Old, Something New
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omething Old, Something NewThe soccer ball flies right into my left foot. I have no trouble catching it, and stride forward with it towards the other's team goal. I spot someone running to intercept me, look around, and see a teammate in a decent enough position to receive the ball. I give it a good kick, and sure enough, it lands close to the fellow. He pushes onwards and, having found a good spot, sends the ball flying in their goal, prompting loud cheers from all the team. We won.
I stop running and catch my breath, hands on my knees. I stare blankly at the snowy ground for a few moments, then take a look around.
The sky is an uniform light grey. The soccer field is covered in pristine snow, in sheer contradiction with the fact that a bunch of people just spent more than an hour running around in it. It is surrounded in all direction by an equally snowy forest of black, naked trees. Their leafless branches move around with the chilly wind in a clatter I recognize all too well.
I quickly move my hand to my chest.
...
Nothing. I'm good. I'm good.
"Hey, Hisao!" one of my teammate calls.
I recognize him. He was a good friend from my old high-school. A bit quirky. I don't recall him playing soccer with us, though.
"You did good mate! C'me on now!" he cheers with a friendly slap on my shoulder.
I stand up and follow him.
I realize I've missed him, as I've missed my old group of friends from before. I'd like to say moved on, but it's good to have them back.
I notice only now that all the people here, myself included, are clad in black mantles complete with black gloves, black jeans and black slippers.
No good. This isn't the kind of stuff you want to wear to play soccer... though I suppose now that it's over, it make sense. It's winter after all.
It's all strangely picturesque, seeing us all in black in an utterly white field, with an utterly grey sky and surrounded by black trees. If it wasn't for our faces, reddened by the cold and the exercice, I wouldn't see any color to speak of here.
On the other side of the field, I catch the sight of a lonely, black-clad figure facing away.
My friend notices.
"You wanna talk to Iwanako? Guess you two have a few things to discuss. We'll go ahead and you catch up with us later, eh?"
I nod, advancing to the girl.
Iwanako...
I honestly don't know what we could discuss, really. But I want to know how she's been doing, at least. How she's really been doing, not the whitewashed version I got in her letter.
"Iwanako!" I call out.
She turns around.
Why is she floating away?
The trees are doing it too.
Oh, she isn't floating away. I'm falling. Through the snow.
She trees, the soccer field, Iwanako, everything, is engulfed by whiteness. I am now surrounded by white.
...
And it's very dull.
Just as I'm pondering how dull falling through white nothingness can be, I land, face first, on something soft, making a muffled sound.
Confused by the rather abrupt landing, I fumble, get on my knees and blink several times.
I'm in the middle of a desert. The vast, yellow expanse goes farther than I can see. The wind is still there, making the sand move in strange, random patterns. Sometimes it picks up and the sand flows like a dry, shallow river on the dunes. Other times, the sand dances in place in a flourished, intricate dance of small whirlwinds. The sky is now pale blue, with rare, thin clouds hovering high above in stark contrast with the previous gray overcast. It must still be early in the morning, as the light is a fresh shade of orange.
That's much better than white everywhere.
The black garments I wore have changed as well. They are now made of something halfway between leather and an insect shell, with various small tubes protuding here and there. It hugs my entire body tightly, leaving no skin uncovered.
I recognize the stillsuit, the suit worn by the Fremen, the desert people of Dune, to retain their body water while on the desert.
Well, good thing I have one.
I stand up and give my surroundings a sweeping gaze.
Dunes, nothing but sand dunes. I shrug and begin to climb up the highest one to see if there's anything else to this desert.
The top of the dune reveals a valley down below, not very large, but so long I can't see its end from here, and walled off by high cliffs on each sides. The valley itself is, surprisingly enough...covered by sand, and goes further down in a gentle slope, with strange finger-like rocks protuding everywhere from the ground. Most of them a few meters tall, with a few bigger ones. The sand of the dune I stand on has overcome the rocky barrier, providing a quick and safe way to get inside. But it'll probably be too steep to climb back.
...
...Might as well do it. There's shadow down there, and it'll probably be more interesting to explore than just sand.
I take the jump and slide down the dune, stumbling a little at end.
I stroll around the strange rock fomation. It feels like walking in a bizarre, static stone forest. The only moving things are me, the sand...and something on my right. I turn to see another stillsuit-clad figure running down toward the rest of the valley.
I call out to draw his attention.
"Ssossoffoorossth!"
...Right, the stuff covers my face too. It still seems to have caught...her attention, as she stops and turns around. The figure is definitely feminine, with a long mane of black hair.
Wait, is she...
As she approaches, I notice her hands are out in the open, and the right one bears the mark of burn scars.
Hanako!
"Thassaffo!"
...Damn it.
She's wearing the same faceless mask as I, but it's still her. No mistakes.
She clasps her hand in mine and starts running down the slope again. I have no choice but to follow.
Despite the rocks, moving in a straight line is rather easy and we rapidly pick up speed, running down like that. At some point she leaves my hand, jumps forward, and, placing one leg in front of the other, slides down, using her arms for balance. She's going much faster that way, somehow. I quickly imitate her to catch up.
The speed rapidly picks up. I learn to mimic her motions, slaloming between the stone fingers when it really gets to fast and bolting straight down when it gets too slow. The sand makes a soft, silky sound as we slide in it, and reflects the morning light, bathing us in a golden gleam. I feel my hair flailing wildly behind me. Hanako's long hair is doing very much the same, only it's much more impressive. It looks like a long, black trail moving behind her, animated of a life of its own.
This is the pristine essence of awesome.
The slope gets steeper as we go. Soon enough, we're moving so fast we're not so much sliding in the sand as hovering over it at high speed. I realize only now that the valley has considerably narrowed, and we have little choice but to follow its thankfully straight path or crash on the cliffs.
I also realize that what I thought was more sand in front of us is, in fact, a sand waterfall backed by solid rock.
There isn't enough room for us to slow down. Uh oh.
Without a care in the world, Hanako slides on, beckoning me to follow with a wave just as she-
...silently passes through the falling sand. I slide right after her, too confused to even blink.
Beyond the sand waterfall is a dark, narrow and roughly circular tunnel of polished stone, curving upward at the end. And beyond the tunnel, a faint, blueish glow is all I can see.
The curve barely slows us down. The blue unkown gets wider and wider as we reach the end of the tunnel.
We are sent flying in a cave of immeasurable proportions. To say it's vast would be an understatement. The cave is about as wide as Yamaku and its gardens combined, with its length stretching to infinity. Its ceiling is still high above us even at the apex of our flight, and supported by massive, natural stone pillars. Round holes in the ceiling carve white columns of light into the darkness, suffusing the entire cave with the same dark blue shade I saw. Sand trickles down some of these natural skylights.
And then comes the falling part. It wasn't a really long flight, but we're still some distance away from the sand-covered floor. Hanako lands gracefully before me, executing a forward roll to cushion her fall and springing right up afterward.
I just crumple on the sand next to her with all the grace of a potato sack. It feels oddly comfortable.
I get on my knee, take the hand she offers and stand up, looking silly. She's removed her mask, and is giving me an amused smile.
Her eyes are blue. As in, her whole eyes are blue. The only distinction between the irises and the rest is their pattern. It's pretty, but I think I'll miss the old purple color. I fitted her so well.
"Let's go, Hisao."
I nod and we begin walking, hands still held.
Going through the cave is an experience on its own. The holes on the ceiling provide sufficient light, and the blue penumbra between them is more than enough to see where we're going. It feels like walking in an old, forgotten sanctuary, but still a welcoming one. I feel safe here.
At some point, I hear the distinct sound of ruffled sand, and turn to see where it comes from.
What I see leaves me speechless.
It's a sandworm. The dark, thick-skinned beast is larger and longer than a train. It rises from the sand to our right and floats in midair, moving silently in slow, slithering motions. Other worms of all sizes emerge everywhere around us. The bigger ones just go fly idly in the wide open space of the cave, or coil around the stone columns. The smaller ones, however, seem to have taken a liking on us, and come circling around us like a school of fish. The boldest among them go as far as looping around our limbs, though they never go as far as touching us.
The ambient light, the white sand and the bright holes in the ceiling make this whole scene feel otherworldly. We come to a stop, transfixed by the beauty of it.
What I remember from the rest is hazy : A thunderous sound, the whole cave getting dark, us walking towards... something, and not much else.
What I do remember is waking up to the sight of Hanako sleeping, with the light of the morning sun shining through the window.
I gaze, rapt, at her peaceful figure. I listen to the sound of her breaths, drawn quietly through her lips curled in a silent, tiny 'o', disturbed only by the distant sound of songbirds chirping.
In the utter peace of this sunday morning, I feel like I belong to this room. The warm bedsheets. The drawing pinned on the wall. The books, manuals and clothes strewn everywhere. Hanako's sleepy face. If this isn't home, it's close enough.
She stirs a bit, and slowly opens her eyes. She leaves her eyelids half-closed, not willing to take in all the light just yet.
"Good morning, Hanako."
Her adorable smile dawns on her face.
"Morning, Hisao."
She pulls me close and nestles her head against my shoulder, brushing the scar on my chest with her right hand.
"Sleep well?" I ask softly.
She nods. "You?"
I nod in turn.
Slowly, naturally, our lips find one another and join in an earnest kiss. Nothing says 'good morning' quite like this. It feels I'm transported from one heaven to another. Though the tingly sensation lingering on my chest makes sure this isn't another dream.
We resume our cuddle after that. It's an unusually fresh Sunday morning, and this bed just feels too good and warm to leave.
...Though, actually, it would feel a lot better if I wasn't so damnably hungry.
...Maybe if I turn around this way...
Sigh
To literally hate one's guts, once again.
"Hey, Hanako?"
"Hmm?"
"Want me to get us some breakfast?"
"Okay."
I get up, put on the yesterday's clothes and head out, stifling a yawn.
"There might be something in the kitchen's fridge," she adds in a still-sleepy voice.
"Alright," I reply.
The corridors are empty and silent. Must still be early in the morning. The dorms' kitchen is just as empty, as I'd hoped. I open the tiny fridge and fish out two small packs of fruit juice, a chocolate pudding and a sweet rice cake. Good enough.
As I make my way back to our room, I hear a distinctive, spring-like sound. One I'm now, funnily enough, used to hear in the morning. It's coming from another corridor just around the corner. I freeze in my tracks.
Please don't come this way Emi, please don't come thi-
Something fast hits me in the chest, knocking me on the floor, leaving a sensation of pain in my ribs and a strong sense of déjà vu. I massage my scar and listen to my heartbeat, looking for signs of an attack.
"Oww...sorry, I didn't hear you com- holy shit, Hisao! Are you alright?" I hear her moving to me. I gesture her to stop. Can't open my eyes just yet. Vision would probably still be blurry, wouldn't solve anything. Can't talk either. Need silence. Listen.
Thu-thu-thump.
Thu-thum-thu-thumpthump.
That doesn't sound good. And it hurts.
"Hisao? Hey, Hisao! Talk to me!"
No can do. Need to listen. Need to breathe. Don't panic. Don't think.
Thumthuthump.
Thump...Thu-thump.
Thu-thump.
Thu-thump.
Thu-thump...thu-thump.
Thu-thump.
I breathe a long sigh of relief, then : "...hi."
"Oh thank god...hi," she replies in a relieved tone. I open my eyes.
Emi is crouched close to me, beaming a smile complete with rosy cheeks. Her wet hair flows freely down her neck.
And she's wearing absolutely nothing but her prosthetics. A discarded towel lies next to her.
Bad. I close back my eyes and resume clutching my chest.
"S-sorry," I blurt out, feeling the blood flushing my cheeks. And somewhere else. Very bad.
I focus on my heartbeat once again. This can actually be dangerous, Hisao. Dangerous is not arousing, Hisao.
Thuthump.
Thuthump.
Thuthump.
Thu-thump.
Thu-thump.
I risk a glance after a short while. Emi's put the towel back on, but her cheeks are blushing almost as hard as mine.
"Erm, I...I didn't see anything," I mumble. That's not exactly true, but I would never admit that.
"T-that's alright, it's kinda my fault anyway," she mutters sheepishly.
"...though I'm glad to see you there. That must mean your date yesterday was 'successful', eh?" she winks knowingly, emphasizing on the 'successful' part. If my cheeks could get any redder, they probably would. Though this is a welcome change of topic.
"...It was."
Her smile widens.
"Good." Another wink. "I'm glad...Especially considering what happened in the afternoon..."
Oh, so something did happen after all? This is new.
"What happened?" I frown.
She blinks, surprised, and her look becomes concerned.
"Hanako hasn't told you?"
"Told me about what?"
Her brow furrows for a second, then arches up in a sorry expression.
"I see... Hisao, could you follow me into my room? It's not far from here." There's no trace of humor in there. Emi is entirely serious.
"...Alright."
...I just accepted to come into the room of an almost-naked friend who is a girl, but is not my girlfriend, while my actual girlfriend is awaiting my return in her own room. Not to mention this is the girl's dorms, and I'm a man. And it's early in the morning.
If anyone catches us here, there's going to be a lot of explaining to do.
Emi's room is very different from Hanako's. Every bit of it looks inviting and girly, from the ambient mess, the warm colors of the walls and bedsheets to the legion of stuffed animals and plushies. It's a painful reminder that even with the two of us living happily together, the room we now share is still rather impersonal. I guess neither of us really bothered to make it look homey, and it shows.
In order to make the situation less awkward for everyone concerned, Emi jumps in her gym outfit while I stare at the ceiling.
"So what was it that happened yesterday?" I ask when she's done.
"I'll tell you, dont worry...but I want something in exchange," she replies with a sly look.
"Say what now?"
She gazes intently at the packaged rice cake I'm carrying.
"You haven't had breakfast?" I sigh.
She shakes her head.
"...fine. Here it is."
She snatches the thing from my hands before I can think of changing my mind. Bye rice cake. I'll miss you...and I'll have to get another one.
"Scho..." she makes, wolfing down the cake like it insulted her ancestors. "...letch me exshplain."
"I'm all ears."
She gulps her breakfast and continues :
"You know we went shopping yesterday afternoon..."
I nod. This isn't particularly new.
"Well, uhm, you see, while we were inside a store..." she lets out a frustrated sigh.
"Alright, I was in a changing room, okay? Hanako was wandering around the aisle waiting for me so she could see me in the outfit I picked. That's how we did the whole time. Only when I got out, she was with two boys I never met and I'm pretty sure aren't in Yamaku. She didn't look comfortable with them. Like, at all. So I walk up to them and ask what the hell's going on. And these two look at me with smirks that made me want to punch them on the spot, and tell me they're 'just hanging out with an old middle school friend'.
If these goons were friends with Hanako, then I'm a goddamn pro at footjobs. I begin to scream at them so loud people turn around, and they get out gritting their teeth and flipping me the finger, calling Hanako names and threatening her. By that time, she was shaking like nothing else."
"What did you do?" I ask in a voice coarsed by anger.
"I pulled her in a hug and we went back to Yamaku, what else? She couldn't stand being in the city anymore... When we were back, I told her I was gonna tell you, but she said she would be okay, that she'd tell your herself, so I let it go."
She breathe another sigh.
"I guess that's it. I'm really glad it turned out okay for you two."
The light outside becomes progressively more gray, reflecting nicely my more somber mood. I do my best to rid myself of the anger that filled me before I speak to her again.
"...I see. Thank you for telling me this, Emi," I let out after a while spent in silence.
"You're not mad at either of us, are you?" she pouts.
My lips curl up into a feeble smile.
"No, how could I be? It's not your fault."
"I'll be going now," I continue. "Hanako's still waiting for her breakfast."
I wave her goodbye, make sure there's no one around and head out, taking a quick detour to the kitchen. The walk through the empty corridors provides a much appreciated thinking time.
Why didn't Hanako tell me about that before we went to the city? I ponder this for a while. The only reasonable explaination I come up with is that she didn't want me to cancel the date based on that. Even then, doesn't she trust me with that kind of thing? I've showed her I'm above pitying her, haven't I?
...
What the hell am I thinking. I have no idea how it feels to confront an old bully, let alone two. I should esteem her for just showing up. That and I nearly freaked out when Emi told me, and I can't imagine what would have happened if Hanako did.
She'll tell me herself eventually. I know she will, I have faith in her.
...
So why can't I shake off this feeling of...I don't really know what it is. A strange mixture of sorrow, melancholy and disappointment. Even as I try to force it out of my mind, it always seeps back in.
Maybe it's the gloomy weather.
A push of our room's door reveals Hanako standing up, gazing thoughtfully out the window. Her eyes shift to me as I enter, and a smile dawns on her face after a few seconds.
"Sorry about the delay. I bumped into some problems...literally. Nothing serious though," I utter, stepping into the room and handing her the chocolate pudding and a pack of juice.
"I-it's alright." She takes the food and we eat together.
Eating with Hanako in her room has become a routine lately, although it's usually for dinner. It always felt good, eating the food we cooked together with her, even when the food itself isn't actually exquisite. In this overcast morning, however, something's not there. It should be the same as usual. We eat in silence next to each other. A rice grain gets stuck on my chin and she kisses it, trailing up her mouth to my lips afterward. Her kiss tastes of chocolate.
I should be overwhelmed by love, yet I have to force these feelings out. I want to feel that way, yet I...don't. Hanako's smile is sheepish as well, like she wants to tell me something.
It continues when we go to the boy's dorms to take my pills and shower. It's our first shower together, in the large, empty shower next to my room. We should be delighted. We should be loving this relaxed moment together, washing each other's back, caressing each other and doing everything lovers do in a shower. Yet it feels stilted as well.
Waking up next to her was perfect. This whole day had the potential to be perfect. The day after a date that ended up in a high note. A Sunday, with a fresh breeze and clouds cooling of yesterday's heat. And here we are, back in her room, her impersonal room, our impersonal room, dulled even further by the gray light, reading a book which plot escaped me the moment we picked it up, trying so hard to be happy it's getting depressing.
"w..." a faint whisper, almost inaudible, coming from Hanako.
"Did you say something?"
"N-no...it's nothing," she says softly, and turns the page.
At some point, I have enough. Enough of the fake joy we try so hard to feel today. I take us to a walk in the gardens, hoping the fresh air will clear our minds and set things right again.
It seems to work. The walk feels genuinely good, with the gardens exhaling the scent of humus and wet plants, and I'm enjoying the warmth of Hanako next to me without having to consciously think about it. Her face brightens up as well, and seeing her that way makes me happy.
I still can't explain what this day was all about, but now things seem to have gone back to normal, and I feel relieved.
"Hisao?" she voices softly.
"Hmm?"
"I'm sorry... about how I was yesterday... before the restaurant... I... I wasn't just tired..."
Well that came quickly. But this time, I know what to do. I give her my warmest smile. Honesty is there once again, freed from the cage it lay in all day long.
"It's alright, Hanako. I know. Emi told me."
"She...she told you?" She blinks, looking at me with a mixture of sadness and confusion.
"Yeah...don't sweat it, it's fine."
She looks absolutely bewildered by what I just told her, and lets out a shaky breath.
"Hey, Come here," I murmur.
I pull her in a warm embrace. Her breath steadies after a short while. She shifts her head around, letting it rest on my chest.
And then, after five minutes spent warm and snug in my arms, she whispers, almost inaudibly : "...why me?"
"Uh?"
She breaks the embrace and looks into my eyes.
"Why me, Hisao? I'm just... a scarred shut-in who panics whenever she's in a room with more than two people... I push away those who try to protect me, claiming I don't want their help, and when I try to stand on my own, I eventually break down into the broken mess I really am. No matter how much you love me, I know... I know some day you'll get tired of dealing with my weakness. One day you'll have your fill of the worthless, self-conscious bag of tears that I am, and you'll walk away...and...I'll have only myself to blame."
Maybe the most frightening was that she said all this in a calm, composed tone... Could this be...what she'd been wanting to tell me, all along?
I realize something is growing inside me. Anger. Her words have turned the pent-up frustration of today into a wild beast that is menacing to savage my mind.
When I answer, my voice manages to only let out some of my exasperation.
"What are my intentions, Hanako?"
"W-what are you-"
"Remember what I said yesterday?" I cut her off. "Everyone screws up, but dealing with it is what redeems them. You are not weak, Hanako, you-"
"But I am! I pretend I'm not, but I-"
"You keep facing your fears until your mind breaks from the stress. You soldiered on yesterday, even tough you were probably swimming in renewed terror because of these assholes... Hell, your whole life was about soldiering on, holding on to the faint hope that maybe it'd get better one day. You think that's being weak?" My voice is sharp, almost hissing. She remains silent.
"Listen to me!" I shout, grabbing her arm. She gasps and turns her head away, shivering slightly. All anger vanishes in an instant at the sight.
I went too far. Way too far.
I continue after a while in a much softer tone, letting my hand trail down her arm to hold hers :
"But that day... that day has come. I love you, Hanako. I want to be here with you when your will wavers from the hardships we're put through. I'll do that, because I know you wouldn't do anything less for me. Because you're the kindest and most innocent soul I've ever met despite everything life already threw at you; and I want to cherish that."
My whole body feels cold now, and it's not just the weather.
"...you...you're just...saying that." I can see her eyes gleaming behind the bangs.
"I'm not! I mean everything I said. I swear it on...on...
...on Kitty," I finish.
A smile lights up her face in recognition.
"...you do mean it, don't you?"
I nod.
"...we'll always have each other?" she murmurs in a pleading voice.
Another nod. A promise. A hand passed through her beautiful hair. A reciprocated smile. A heartfelt, needed kiss. Another embrace, more honest. One of shared happiness, not one-sided comfort.
We continue our stroll through the gardens, holding hands. The utter quiet and the dewy freshness are soothing, invigorating. That's exactly what we need.
When we're back in front of the dorms, Hanako speaks again, and her voice bears a newfound confidence.
"I think...I can improve. I've become attached our new life... and I made it this far with you. I can't let this go, and I won't.
You've showed me what it's like to love and be loved, and to live in peace. I won't ever forget this," she adds, warping her arms around my back.
"I love you, Hisao, and I'll cherish you too," she whispers into my ear.
My whole face turns scarlet. I hold her tightly against me, feeling her chest slowly heaving against mine, burying my face in her long hair, closing my eyes, taking in its scent.
It smells of apples.
People walk by us. It's the dorms, after all. This is bound to happen.
I'm sure some of them blink, or smile, or smirk, or blush at the sight of us hugging. At some point, I even think I hear a distinct "Wahahaha~!"
But none of it really matters.
After a long while, we break the embrace. It's getting darker, and downright cold now that we no longer share our warmth.
"Want to go make dinner?" she asks. Her cheeks are rosy. She's smiling.
"Sure. Do you have anything in mind?"
She winks.
"Something new."
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