Ride [Miki]

[DaGarver]

A Miki one-shot I wrote today. I had a fit of inspiration. I'm not really a fan of either the ending or the transition into said ending, so I'm open to feedback on that end especially. It's also incredibly short. I'm a concise writer, so sue me.

Ride: A Miki Short

A chilling draft blows across my legs. Despite the summer weather, mornings at Miki's house have been startlingly cold. The altitude definitely wouldn't help things, but neither does my bedmate's tendency to steal the sheets. I remember waking up once or twice during the night to pull back the covers from her frequent tossing. Maybe the alcohol made her restless.

Speaking of which, my head feels like it's splitting open. Consequences for the rambunctious teenager in me. I don't think I would've been so frivolous at my old school to consider getting wasted at dinner with my girlfriend. Guess Miki has changed me, in that way, or I'm at least partial to her influence.

As I reach to massage my temples, hoping to soothe the ache behind my eyes, Sleeping Beauty stirs. Her eyes flutter open, and she smiles at the sight of me. "Morning, handsome." She seems unaffected by last night's antics. I'm not so lucky, and it's written all over my face. "Headache," I groan at her. "Never felt one this bad before."

She sits up and slaps me on the back. I wince a bit at the sudden jolt. "A real first-timer, huh? You weren't kidding." She sits up and walks out of her room, my eyes drawn to her swinging hips. Nothing quite like a morning show, I suppose.

I fall back into my pillow and squint my eyes shut. The light is actually painful. I make a mental note that getting absolutely hammered is not worth this level of penance. Miki returns to the bedside and sits beside me, holding a glass of ice water. "Drink this, it'll help."

"I prefer coffee, but sure." She laughs and assures me that would not be a good idea. "You need to rehydrate. Caffeine won't help that." I sit up with her help and accept the drink, downing it quickly. "You certainly seem unaffected," I remark. She shrugs. "Experience. When you drink as much as I did in my early high school days, you get used to the hangover."

"Not exactly fair, you know," I butt back. She laughs before responding. "Hang out with me enough and you'll get there. I remember my first time. Just have to suck it up and muscle through." A snap of her fingers rings in my ears. Not exactly helpful, Miki.

"Tell ya what, let me take you for a ride. Some fresh air will help clear the migraine, at least."

"That doesn't make sense. The sun hurts my eyes." She reaches into her bedside drawer and retrieves a pair of sunglasses. Guess I don't have a choice.

I crawl out of bed and throw some light clothes on before we head out to her garage. Next to what I assume is the spot for the family car is a tarp-covered mound. Miki pulls the tarp away and throws it aside, revealing a rather sporty red motorcycle. She stands next to it facing me, hands on her hips and a look of pride in her eyes. "A real beauty, isn't she?" I don't know a damned thing about motorcycles, so her explanation of the schematics might as well be gibberish to me. She catches this in the middle of discussing the engine displacement and glares at me. "You getting any of this?"

I come out of my half-sleeping state. Smile and nod, Hisao, smile and nod. She laughs and shakes her head. "Honestly, Nakai, who wears the pants in this relationship again?"

"Hey, just because you can chug more, run faster, know more about cars..."

"And you cook and clean and never take the lead in bed." Damn, she's got me. "Hey, I can't help that last one. Heart condition, you know."

"Excuses, excuses. I'm still twice the man you are."

"I'll make sure to pick up an apron skirt and take housewife classes, then." A slight giggle. Despite the boyish attitude, she's still a teenage girl. She rewards my playfulness with a peck on the lips and shoves a helmet into my chest.

"Time for you to man up a bit."

* * *

Miki proves pretty adept at riding her motorcycle, even with one hand. That must have been one of the first things she re-learned how to do, given that gleam in her eyes when she first showed it to me. After a couple rounds on the mountainside, she started trying to teach me. "It's just like riding a bike, only faster and without the pedaling." I tried to suit up in something safer in case I crashed, but she was insistent I wouldn't need it. Too cowardly of a thing to do anyway, she claimed.

True to her word, it was easy to pick up just treating it like a regular bike. The handling was a bit different, but manageable after getting used to it. She also proved to be right on the fresh air being good for my hangover-induced migraine.

I came to a rolling stop in front of her. "Manned up enough for you?" She rubs her chin for a moment. "I give you a thumbs up."

"Why not two?" She pouts a bit as I laugh at her expense. "Sorry, couldn't resist."

"Sounds like someone doesn't care if he gets laid tonight or not," she snaps with a devilish grin on her face. I give her a pout of my own. "Pulling that punch already? I thought you were above that." She responds with a wink. "You obviously don't know me very well then." I suppose I don't. I should work on that.

As I extend the kickstand and place my helmet on the handlebars, I hear the thud of Miki falling back into the grass. I stand over, gazing at her splayed out hair and the curves of her body, oddly accentuated by her loose-fitting shirt. She squints at me. "Little to the left there, macho."

"So that's all I am to you? Shade?" She laughs and nods. I take a spot next to her. "You're out of luck, then." As expected, another pout. She quickly gets over it, though, and I find her resting her head on my chest.

There's a short silence as she struggles to make herself comfortable. It's a chilly day as far as mid-July goes, but summer humidity combined with a pair of close-contact bodies still makes for high temperatures. The ground can't be much help, either. She finds something suitable and stays there. "Did I ever tell you how I lost it?" she asks, lifting her bandaged stump.

I shake my head. "No, I don't think so. Rika mentioned it once, but I don't remember."

"It was a shop accident. We were cutting lumber for a mid-term project on the table saws. I wasn't paying attention and got my hand caught in the blade cover." She winces a bit as she stares at her wrist. "My hand was torn to pieces. Mangled as shit. They tried to fix it at first, but decided amp'ing it was easier in the end."

"I'm sorry. Must have been some hell you went through."

She nods weakly. "I can still feel it every now and then. Phantom limb pains, reminders of just how fucking bad it hurt." I connect a pair of dots in my head. "Is that why you toss so much at night?"

"Sometimes," she mutters. I stroke her cheek, and she moves her face to kiss my knuckles. "You make it easier, though." I'm surprised to hear this; maybe Miki is capable of this kind of commitment. Whatever the risk, I think she's worth it.

"The rhythm is weird," she whispers, head still on my chest, "but soothing." I run my hand through her hair and plant a kiss on top of her head. "It's not perfect," I tell her. "I'm not perfect."

"I don't expect you to be." She reaches up and brings our lips together. "Just be Hisao."

"But I thought you wanted me to man up." She laughs.

"You're good to me. That's man enough."

The sun is a little past its halfway point in the sky. Several hours have passed with us out here, enjoying the company. Without a word, Miki sits forward and stands up. She picks her helmet up off the ground and straps it on. I take it as my cue to do the same and take my place on the motorcycle. She climbs onto the seat behind me, wrapping her arms around my waist and resting her head on my back. "C'mon, handsome," she says, "take us home."

[DanjaDoom]

Definitely a good start! Lookin' forward to seeing more Miki

[Ascended Flutist]

I liked it through and through. No gripes with the concision or how it begun/ended. In my opinion that's just you being overly harsh on your own work, but that's a good thing. Don't change that.

[Spry]

Hey, that was pretty good. Do you have any other works? That was a very entertaining read.

[DaGarver]

I liked it through and through. No gripes with the concision or how it begun/ended. In my opinion that's just you being overly harsh on your own work, but that's a good thing. Don't change that.

I've always been my biggest critic. My Lit and Lang professors always loved what I wrote, I was never convinced it was good enough. Author's curse, I suppose.

Hey, that was pretty good. Do you have any other works? That was a very entertaining read.

I tried doing an Emi v. Shizune story at one point, but never got anywhere with it. Not even sure I still have the drafts and revisions, I basically just dropped the project in its entirety. I'm focusing on some one-shots right now, might do a larger project at some point after that. Part of the problem was trying to dive into two characters at once with no previous experience, so it might get picked up again at some point if I can find all my stuff.

[Mirage_GSM]

I have to admit this story surprised me a bit... By not being surprising at all.
The way you were avoiding any hints as to the narrator's gender for the first half of the story had me thinking you were building up to some elaborate reveal or other, but then you just casually mentioned Hisao's name...
I probably read too many of Kosher's fics...

[DaGarver]

I have to admit this story surprised me a bit... By not being surprising at all.
The way you were avoiding any hints as to the narrator's gender for the first half of the story had me thinking you were building up to some elaborate reveal or other, but then you just casually mentioned Hisao's name...
I probably read too many of Kosher's fics...

...I'm not sure how to take that comment. I think lack of tone is a problem here. I don't know if you'te being condescending or just making an honest remark.

It's a short one shot; I definitely wasn't going for anything fancy. Should I make it clear that this is from Hisao's perspective in the earlier paragraphs?

[Oddball]

There's only one thing you need to change around. When a different person starts speaking, it needs to be in a different paragraph. I had to reread a few lines in that to figure out who was talking at times.

[Episcia]

Short, well-written, and sweet. I like it.

[Mirage_GSM]

.I'm not sure how to take that comment. I think lack of tone is a problem here. I don't know if you'te being condescending or just making an honest remark.

It's a short one shot; I definitely wasn't going for anything fancy. Should I make it clear that this is from Hisao's perspective in the earlier paragraphs?

Sorry, no condescension was intended - just my impression when reading the story.
Your story does stand well on its own, you just - intentionally or nor - built up my expectations for a clever plot twist that didn't happen. My problem, not yours

[DaGarver]

There's only one thing you need to change around. When a different person starts speaking, it needs to be in a different paragraph. I had to reread a few lines in that to figure out who was talking at times.

I thought I caught all those. Isn't the rule that you can't have dialogue from different speakers directly adjacent? The additional breaks would make it easier to figure out who is talking sometimes, but I think it messes with the overall flow a bit, as well.

Sorry, no condescension was intended - just my impression when reading the story.
Your story does stand well on its own, you just - intentionally or nor - built up my expectations for a clever plot twist that didn't happen. My problem, not yours

Thanks for the clarification there, much appreciated. I might work with the beginning to make Hisao's role as the narrator a bit more clear.

[Scissorlips]

I enjoyed this scene a lot, even with this tiny bit we still got a great look at Miki's character, and it's a believable and likable one. Really looking forward to reading more from you.