OC Zaida Tanaka/Natsume Ooe Fan Fic(Long)

[Badstoryteller]

Surprisingly, This Fan Fic of mine is Still on-going and is at no point going to stop, until the tenth chapter. It is only posted on DeviantArt, because i am used to the system there. It is written in Script format, because that is what works well for me. It may be "hard to read" because of the persons emotions/way of speaking are not fully understood. Sorry, but after 4 chapters and 42 parts, there is no way I could even try and change it to a "normal" setting. If you are interested in this tale of love, heartbreak and a rather stuck-up American teen, then look for my dA page, link on my profile here.

Otherwise, a mod should just delete this post.

[Episcia]

Writing and dialogue are okay. However, the script format for dialogue doesn't fit this kind of story - please, turn it to normal prose dialogue. See this thread - should give you some well-needed tips. Also, I quote-

Right then. First, I'd like to make something clear. I am not pointing fingers at any specific writers here. This is more of a general message for those who enjoy writing.

In this community in particular, I can understand why the format is appealing. It mimics the style of a visual novel, which is what KS is. Plus, it's a lot easier to write than prose, which is why you sometimes see it elsewhere among less-experienced writers.

However, unless you're writing something that's actually designed to be a script (such as Goldilurks' excellent Katawa Haha), there's no real reason to do so. Written prose is not the same as a visual novel.

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that most of you do not have a lot of writing experience. Hey, that's fine! Budding writers should be encouraged and nurtured, and that is what I hope to achieve with this post. But in order to grow as a writer, you need to be willing to learn, and furthermore, you need to challenge yourself.

Yeah, writing isn't easy, and the script format simplifies things a bit. But it also looks lazy, and when it's mixed in with narrative, it rather breaks up the flow of the story. People do things when they talk. They pace, they fidget, sometimes they mumble or change their tone or other such things. Is something like this happening here? Describe it. Writing dialogue can take some getting used to, but it also makes for much better reading.

You'd do well to follow that advice.

[Oddball]

Educational writing lesson time!

The way you do dialogue is a bit distracting and comes across as somewhat lazy.

Rather than just putting the characters names above the next, if you work in what they're saying and doing it flows more naturally and gives you a better idea what's going on.

Let's just look at a quick comparison.

Suzu
Do you want some nachos?

It tells you who is talking, but the dialogue feels detached from the person that's speaking it.

Alternativly, you could have written it as something like.

""Do you want to go get nachos?" asked Suzu.

You still get the same meaning from the dialogue, but now it's directly attached to the character and you know how she is delivering her lines. She's asking. You can change the word "asked" and you can alter the mood tremendously.

"Do you want to go get nachos?" screamed Suzu.
"Do you want to go get nachos?" yawned Suzu.
"Do you want to go get nachos?" bitched Suzu.
"Do you want to go get nachos?" whispered Suzu.

The dialogue stays the same, but you attach more meaning to it that way.

For even more atmosphere in the story, you can add some description of what she's doing. People tend to move when they talk. They fidget, they look around, they gesture, use some of that.

"Do you want to go get nachos?" asked Suzu as she ran her hand through her hair.
"Do you want to go get nachos?" asked Suzu as she cocked her head to the side and raised a single eyebrow.
"Do you want to go get nachos?" asked Suzu, drumming her fingers on the table in boredom.
"Do you want to go get nachos?" asked Suzu and she fixed and put on an over sized fake mustache and her sombrero.

Now, you not only get the dialogue, but you know how the person is delivering the dialogue and what they're doing when they do so. It helps them come alive to the reader.

Also, the titles. The title shows me you either have no confidence in your ability or that you just don't care. You don't have to put a lot of effort into a title, just give us something that would make it stick out.

Nobody is really going to get excited about "OC Story Fan fic thing ..."
You know what would be a better title for it? Meet Mr Smith, the other new Guy. The Man with a One-of-a-kind Arm, or absolutely ANYTHING other that what you called it.

_______________
Using lines like that to break up your scenes aren't necessary.
You've already shown a passage or time or change in location in your descriptions.

I don't want you to get upset or anything. We all had to start somewhere and some of my early stuff was much worse than this.

[Badstoryteller]

I will admit that it dose come off as a bit lazy, in the way i wrote it, But when i posted this on dA and the 10+ parts following it i said that it would be how it was in the game.

Name
"And how they spoke."

yeah its Lazy But i wanted it to follow that same feel as of in game cause it worked well. Granted that is not the best way to write a story,it just made sense to me.

also yeah the title isn't what i wanted to put up, there is a fill title, just when i posted it i had to run out and do something so i threw that on there and haven't changed it yet...

[Oddball]

yeah its Lazy But i wanted it to follow that same feel as of in game cause it worked well. Granted that is not the best way to write a story,it just made sense to me.

It works well in the game because you can see pictures to show you what the characters are doing and how they're reacting and you can hear music to help set the emotional mood.

In stories we don't get the visual and audio information. All we have to set the scenes are what the writer gives us.

[Badstoryteller]

Yeah. well i understand that this post sucked, it was my first one so i kind of figured it would end up being bad.

ill probably delete this post and then put Everything(all 12 parts) into a collective story. it'd be a long post, the parts on deviantArt range form 600 words to 2,000.

just means i need to re-write Everything. Honestly this should have just stand in my head, it was So much better.

[Episcia]

Not really! Writers aren't born, dear. They are trained.

At least you had a better story than my first fanfics. Oh boy were they terribad

[Mirage_GSM]

The script format thing was already adressed. Otherwise, the story is pretty good so far. Two things:

"I'm aloud to smile..." -> allowed
Also one then/than mixup in there.