Design your character!

[Axelownz]

did one real quick, kind of combined a character idea i had with a little bit of my own personality, i can not draw though sadly, so i doubt you will get to see him.

Name: Naoki Kurosawa
Birthday: December 25th
Height: 177 cm
Weight: 145 lbs
Hair: blonde
Eyes: white/bluish, used to be blue
Disability: Blind

Bio:
Naoki looks like an exchange student but is actually a citizen of Japan and has lived their all his life. He was adopted by a Japanese couple visiting Sweden, and was brought back to Japan when he was only a couple years old, meaning he speaks perfect Japanese and does not appear foreign except for his looks. He led a pretty average life at his school, but was unforgettably was a passenger in a car accident caused by an oncoming drunk driver. The force of the impact caused him to hit his head on on the inside of the car, and blinded him. This all happened in his 2nd year of highschool. He was in the hospital for about a month, but his parents did not want him to fall behind in his education so they enrolled him in Yamuku almost immediately. Overall this made him very nevous as he had not had a chance to cope or get used to his disability. He was put into class 3-2 and was helped by the students there very much to be able to function with his newfound disablity, even though it frustrated him greatly and annoyed him that he needed another student with him at all times wherever he went to get around. The one thing he always carries around with him is his MP3 Player, since Music calms him down and he can still enjoy it.

Personality:
Before his accident Naoki was somewhat quite and withdrawn with people he didnt know, but once he warmed up to them, he was very sociable, and he was known as the fun one of the group. He always got attention due to his looks, but until he got to know someone he found conversation difficult. After his accident his personality became much more withdrawn and distant even with his friends, and it depressed him quite a bit too. Slowly his original personality started to come back as he comes to terms with his disablity.

Appearance:
He wears the normal school uniform, on casual days he wears a black Ramones Tshirt and greenish/brown cargo pants. Never without his MP3 Player.

Skills:
Even with his lack of sight, he has always been an incredibly fast runner, though has very little stamina, and probably shouldnt run not being able to see where he is going

[bronko]

I have been reading theses and have been enjoying them very much and makes me want to make my own...

Now that's great.

I'm not sure if the school has students with mental or learning difficulties, but if so i could make a character who is kind of like me, if anyone would like to read it?

As far as I know, Yamaku doesn't accept students with mental conditions. However I think learning difficulties are something different.

BTW, I didn't wrote my character to expect any feedback (but it's always nice to get some though). No matter whether we want to read it our not, you should just write something down if you feel to. I mean, that's the purpose of this thread.

[galoomojo]

666

[bronko]

Now that you made me curious, I will at least.

[galoomojo]

555

[BigBenClockTower]

This topic seems interesting. I guess I'll contribute.

Kyatto Ai
Birthday: April 1
Zodiac: Aries
Blood Type: A
Height: 160 cm (5'3")
Weight: 50 kg (110 lbs)
Bust/Waist/Hips: 84/57/86 (33.9"/22.4"33.1")
Hair: Dark Brown (Wavy Shoulder Length)
Eyes: Hazel
Disabilities: Cataplexy, Epilepsy, Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo
Quote: Can you show your emotions?

[Kyatto is a very average girl of almost non-importance in her features. She as a whole always smells nicely of lavender for reasons unknown to most (it's assumed to be a possible body wash of choice). Her eyes gleam oddly in light, and she is very expressive despite her neutral nature.]

Kyatto has never been entirely right in her mind, but it took a tense experience of complete consciousness with no control to get her parents to wake up and realize her problems. After transferring through many schools and experiencing many hospital visits from repeated strokes, she finally landed at Yamaku, where she's been since then. Everyone mostly gives her a wide berth, and generally try their best to not get her too riled up, as her Cataplexy acts up in those situations. She is said to have Epilepsy as well, but no one can recall ever seeing her have an attack. It is possible people confuse it with her bouts of immense vertigo and unbalance when she makes too many sudden movements.

Mostly avoided by most of the school, she hides her loneliness under a state of total neutrality in all affairs. She is not a member of any student council, not since Shizune provoked a particularly severe Cataplexy attack, but still somehow retains the best grades in the school in all areas. Her opinions towards others are mixed at best, but perhaps she needs to open up. She fortunately has not had a stroke since transferring to Yamaku.

Her entire back story (not withstanding the summary given above) is revealed through her path, alongside Hisao struggling to have any kind of deeper relations with her thanks to her conditions capable of interfering just as much as his can. She possesses two different good endings based upon a decision made in her Act 3, and retains a single neutral ending, flagged through a decision in Act 2, and a single bad ending, flagged through a decision made in Act 4.

Her opinions regarding the others...

Hisao - "You're not all that bad, Hisao. Stop acting as if I'm a flower without soil." - Act 3 comment that provokes a choice from Hisao.

Emi - "I wish she would just relax sometimes...she'll get someone killed the way she runs through the hallways." - Act 1 comment after Emi runs off from her crash encounter with Hisao."

Hanako - "Somehow, I can relate to how she feels. Only for me, it can't be fixed..." - Comment from Hanako's Act 3 when encountered in the girls dormitories as Hisao asks for Hanako.

Lilly - "She's a nice woman, Hisao. She just seems lonely sometimes." - Comment from Lilly's Act 3, during a conversation with her while Lilly is in Scotland.

Rin - "I wish I could understand her more. She seems like she would have a lot to say." - Act 1 comment during Hisao's time at the festival with her, observing Rin's mural.

Shizune - "She's a hard worker, but she can be harsh at times...she triggered one of my attacks, and I don't think either of us have recovered yet." - Act 1 comment during Hisao's time at the festival with her, at one of the stalls Shizune made.

Misha - "She's too loud for my tastes, and is likely bad for my health overall sadly." - Act 1 comment during Hisao's time helping her with her project.

Kenji - "I think I'll reserve comments on him. He's yours to deal with." - Act 3 comment during an encounter with Kenji on Hisao's date with her.

She does not have comments on the Nurse, Mutou, and Yuuko, but seems to be on good terms with them.

[Newbonomicon]

Itami Tanaka
Birthday: June 8th
Zodiac: Gemini
Height: 5'9"
Weight: 139 lbs.
Bust/Waist/Hips: 82/53/79
Hair: Light Red (Shoulder Length)
Eyes: Green
Disability: Congenital analgesia

Can you feel my pain?

Itami was diagnosed the day she was born. Ever since, her parents have coddled her, and rightfully so. Due to her disability, there is a distinct possibility that she could be seriously injured without realizing it. Her enrollment in Yamaku was decided for her before she was even old enough to object. She tends to overreact to dangerous situations, and makes sure to see the nurse every day, usually just to be reassured that she's alright.

Act 1
In the choice before Hisao's first meeting with Emi, if he chooses to "Duck out early", he will meet Itami in the hallway, and introduce himself. Then, just as she says her name, Emi's collision occurs, interrupting her. When she sees his reaction, Itami will immediately assume the worst and drag him off to see the nurse as he waves goodbye to the legless girl. The nurse insists that her worrying was just causing unneeded stress and that Hisao will be fine after a little rest. She apologizes profusely and explains the source of her worry and her condition.

Itami's next appearance is in the library after Hisao meets Lilly, sitting on the floor near the entrance with a laptop. He only notices her if he's met her before, and not until he's on his way out. He then gets the choice to leave, exchanging a quick hello and going on his way, or talk with her. If he talks with her, she expresses interest in his heart condition, which causes Hisao to act distant all of a sudden. She drops the subject.

Later, if Hisao talked to her in the library, Itami will have another scene in the boys' dormitory hall, talking to Kenji of all people. She had noticed him making a mad dash to get indoors, where he tripped on another student's bookbag, only to get back up and keep running. She had followed him to berate him for being so careless, but only succeeded in making him run away. When she catches him outside his room, she is absolutely livid, and goes off on a rant about the myriad dangers he could have exposed himself to. Hisao interrupts them, embarassing Itami and prompting her to leave. Jokingly, Hisao asks if Kenji is alright, and if Itami was an "enemy agent". Surprisingly, Kenji's only response is a dumbfounded admission that she seemed "different". This prompts a choice between "I know what you mean", which will lock in Itami's arc, and "If you say so", which will negate it.

On the day of the festival, Hisao and Kenji speak, but as they're about to part, Kenji changes his mind and asks Hisao to wait. Shortly thereafter, he emerges in a trenchcoat and fake moustache and informs Hisao that the two of them will be going on an "impromptu mission of utmost importance". They go to the festival together, but Kenji is immediately overwhelmed by the crowd and runs back inside, screaming "Abort! Abort!". Itami, having noticed the display, approaches Hisao and asks him what happened. The two decide to go check on him, but his adamant refusal to come back out of his room makes it a waste of time. The two spend the rest of the festival talking about schoolwork, then watch the fireworks from a hall window.

Act 2: Sympathy
In this act, Hisao and Itami set up a study group. She helps him with English, and he helps her with science. Eventually, Kenji joins, causing Hisao to question just how much of his enjoyment was from being alone with Itami. The Study Club goes on to become officially recognized, and takes place in Mutou's classroom. Kenji is uncomfortable with this, and by the end of the act, reveals that the only reason he joined was to be with Itami, who rejects his advances. Kenji insists Hisao take someone's side, but he is unable to choose, leading him to alienate both.

Act 3: Antipathy
Following the conclusion of the last act, the Study Club continues to convene regularly, but none of its members speak to one another. Lots of introspection and angst ensues. Eventually, Hisao declares that if it's going to be that way, there's no reason for the club to exist at all. Kenji lashes out at him for taking so long to have a real opinion, and in the process, accidentally drops a stack of books on Itami's hand. As he starts to walk away, Hisao picks them up, allowing her to see that she has been injured. She screams and runs to the nurse. As Hisao leaves, Kenji is standing still, shocked speechless. Iwanako's letter arrives shortly thereafter, which makes Hisao realize that some of the sentiments within must be how Kenji felt for hurting Itami's hand. The two men talk it out, and Kenji expresses a desire to give Hisao a chance to win Itami's favor. He takes her on a date to the Shanghai the next day, which ends with a kiss outside Hisao's room... with Kenji watching from behind his slightly-open door.

Act 4: Empathy
The Study Club is back in full swing, but Kenji is still dealing with issues of jealousy. The first and only H-scene in Itami's arc occurs midway through Act 4, in which Hisao takes great care to be as gentle as possible, since she wouldn't be able to tell if he was hurting her. Depending on Hisao's choices in this act, there are three endings. The good ending shows Kenji getting over his crush on Itami and hinting that he may attempt to reconcile with his previous girlfriend, while Hisao and Itami declare their love for each other. The bad end can be seen coming if Kenji mentions that he keeps his blinds open now, but refuses to elaborate. This is meant to hint that he no longer cares if snipers come for him. He eventually gets sick of waiting and jumps off the roof. His death drives a wedge between Hisao and Itami, and they never speak again. The neutral ending has Itami leave Hisao because she believes Kenji "needs her", leaving a bitter Hisao insisting to himself that his friends are completely wrong for each other.




Holy crap I wrote way more than I thought I was going to, what just happened

[Tenteke]

Name: Hiro Nishimura
Age: 18
Birthday: February 24th
Zodiac: Pisces
Height: 6ft
Weight: 120 lbs.
Hair: Straight, shoulder length, white
Eyes: Light blue
Disabilities: Insomnia and PTSD

Biography: Hiro was born with dark hair, but it turned white due to lack of pigment being produced. He was a relatively happy child even though he was picked on alot for his hair color. Kids in his class used to call him names like "old man". Coming from a small town on the outskirts of Kyoto, he wasn't rich, but he wasn't poor either. He loved his parents very much, but as soon as he turned 12, his life took a turn for the worse. His parents were both killed in a car accident. He miraculously escaped unscathed but was orphaned and left with horrible flashbacks of the accident. He kept having nightmares about it which caused him to stop sleeping. This developed into insomnia and as a result, he has dark rings around his eyes. After the accident he became very shy and withdrawn. The kids at the orphanage didn't interact with him because they were afraid of him. It was also here that he met his best friend Hanako. He saw her being bullied by the other kids, and remembering the pain from his past dealing with bullies, he stepped in to defend her and kept anyone from ever picking on her again. He came to Yamaku because he wanted a place to get away from it all and to get help with his disabilities, but also to keep on protecting Hanako.

Personality: Hiro is a relatively shy person, but he has no trouble speaking to people. His teachers and classmates all get along pretty well with him.Being in class 3-2, he has made friends with Hisao and also helps Hanako get along with everybody. He doesn't like to dress in his uniform too often, usually just wearing the shirt and tie, but opting to wear jeans and hi-tops instead of slacks and dress shoes. He loves music and goes to concerts whenever he can. Though he is Japanese, he loves American and British rock. His favorite bands are Sex Pistols, Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins, Black Flag, and The Offspring. He is a good student and receives good grades. He has a very strong work ethic and is determined to get something done when he starts it. His hobbies include bass guitar and drawing. He was asked to join the art club but turned it down because he prefers to hang out in his room listening to music. On weekends he likes to hang out at the Shanghai with Lilly, Hisao, and Hanako. He drinks his coffee black and likes spicy food.

Opinions/Relationships with other charcters
Misha: He finds Misha annoying, but goes out of his way to be friendly
Shizune. Hiro is intimidated by Shizune because she is constantly on his case about not wearing his uniform
Lilly: He is good friends with Lilly thanks to Hanako.
Hanako: He acts like a big brother to her, always helping and protecting her.
Hisao: Hiro is good friends with Hisao and they regularly attend concerts together
Rin: Hiro admires her artwork but finds conversation with her awkward.
Emi: He doesn't particularly care for sports, so he doesn't know her that well.
Mutou: Mutou is his favorite teacher and gets along pretty well with him.

[Animan144]

Oh hey man X3 what such great detail of this character and no worries I actually have a scanner and my artwork still isn't the :3 hmm sounds like fun making your own character I should attempt to do so perhaps

[Helbereth]

Having started writing a fan-fic involving these OCs, I've written out basic biographies with some background information for the headline characters. I'll add more as they come up in the story (there are at least 4 more OCs).

Aiko Kurai
Age: 17
Birthday: July 18th
Height: 5'3"
Weight: 125 lbs.
Hair: Long, dark brown(almost black), curled and styled with a white streak down the left side of her face.
Eyes: Hazel and Blue (heterochromia), Nearsighted past 6', she often wears glasses in class to see the board, but doesn't wear them to study.
Disabilities: A potentially(likely) fatal genetic disorder (being vague on purpose), and deafness in her left ear.
Look: Not being able to do much physically due to dizzy spells, Aiko has healthy features. Her face is narrow and her chin ends in a point with high cheekbones and a cheery smile. She's chesty, much to Amaya's chagrin. She also has wide hips, though her stomach is flat. She fills out her clothes, her mother says.
Dress: Her glasses, and dark, wavy hair make her look smart, and the two-colored eyes make her look mysterious; and she doesn't often try to correct the assumptions. The white stripe running from the crown of her head and down at the front of her face along the left side is distinctive. She likes to wear green turtleneck shirts and sweaters, but usually wears a light button-up vest over it to make her breasts look smaller – for Amaya's sake. Her wide hips are usually covered by a long, dark skirt when she's not in the school uniform. She wears dark nylons under the school uniform to draw attention away from her legs.
Hobbies: Since she can't run around because of dizzy spells, she gets her exercise on a standing bike or swimming, usually. She's addicted to math, and pursues activities where she's either actually doing math or thinking about the math being performed. She's the unofficial accountant for the Student Council, even though she remains only a class representative – the other SC work doesn't interest her. She's fond of computer games – mostly FPS-type games. Amaya is often keeping her abreast of upcoming games, and Tadao has tried getting her to play WoW, but she sticks with her favorites most of the time.
Misc. Details: Both her parents are from Kahoshima. Her father is a CPA, and her mother is a teacher. She has a 9-year-old sister, Midori. Aiko is mostly normal, as girls go. She likes frilly things and stuffed animals, painting her toenails, and getting dressed up, but she doesn't go overboard. She's great at math – a whiz, really- but she's awful at literature and foreign languages. Some stuff rubs off from her two friends, but most of it seems to end up in her left ear – that is, unheard.

Amaya Yamamoto
Age: 17
Birthday: December 4th
Height: 5'
Weight: 104 lbs.
Hair: Bowl-cut, long in the front and jet black.
Eyes: Brown
Disability: Chronic Epilepsy. Controlled with medication, she suffers infrequent seizures.
Look: Overall skinny and slight. She has a round face and puffy cheeks. Though she seems perpetually frozen in a frown at times, she has a big mouth and a laugh rivaling Misha – especially when she's toying with Aiko.
Dress: Embarrassed by her flat chest, she often wears long cardigans and frilly blouses. She also usually wears pants or shorts and hates wearing the uniform skirt. She also needs glasses to read, but often 'forgets' to wear them, thinking they make her look dorky. She carries a backpack with a selection of reading material and writing pads – she fancies herself a poet.
Hobbies: Reading a lot, and some writing – mostly poetry. She and Tadao often get in conversations that go way over Aiko's grasp of literature. Outside of that, she fancies herself an online pirate and enjoys trying to get her hands on unreleased demos for upcoming games, or movies before they release to theaters.
Misc. Details: Aiko's best friend and hall-mate, she sometimes gets worked up about her epilepsy, but usually caves and sees Nurse anyway when she has an episode. Aiko usually convincing her. She's a gossip-hound and a book-worm in the Literature Club with Tadao. She and Tadao have been crushing on each other for about a year, but neither has had the guts to come out with it. She's the only person other than the staff who knows about Aiko's secondary -secretive- condition.

Tadao Yoshida
Age: 18
Birthday: January 14th
Height: 5' 9”
Weight: 135 lbs
Hair: Long and wavy, sandy colored and always messy.
Eyes: Hazel and narrowed.
Disability: Neurofibromatosis 2 (NF2). Inherited condition that causes degenerative hearing and vision loss. He's partially deaf in both ears, and wears a hearing aid in his left.
Look: Lanky and narrow, he often forgets to eat, being too deep in a book. The sharp features of his face -ending in a narrow chin- are drawn and gaunt, such that he often looks unhappy. His eyes are always darting around, and he often drifts away while concentrating on his schoolwork or a book – often earning him a kick in the leg or feet by the girls.
Dress: Outside of the school uniform, he's usually in black jeans and a hipster t-shirt. He also wears a small cross on a chain around his neck, though it's usually hidden under the uniform. He sometimes wears reading glasses, but they're small and round like spectacles. Overall, his out-of-school dress is casual, always with a book or a notebook in his hand and often with a pen or pencil tucked behind his ear for jotting down notes.
Hobbies: When he isn't reading, he's into online gaming and often visits a nearby internet cafe to play World of Warcraft and Starcraft. In the orphanage, he used to live and die by his Gameboy and played countless hours of Pokemon. He tried getting Amaya into it a while back, but she wasn't interested.
Misc. Details: Sitting just to Amaya's left in 3-1, Tadao is a ward of the state. His parents died in a car wreck when he was three, so he barely remembers them. Having no other family -aside from an uncle locked in an asylum- he's been handed through a series of orphanages and finally sent to Yamaku on a state grant – he's an exceptional writer and reads as many as three books per week. He's also adept with languages, including English. His disorder will likely claim his hearing eventually, and may claim his vision later in life, so he's learned both sign-language and brail.

Kenta Ito
Age: 42
Birthday: September 2nd
Height: 5' 6”
Weight: 195 lbs
Hair: Black, bald on top with a ring around the ears, kept short and trim.
Eyes: Dark Brown and always hiding behind thick, square-rimmed glasses.
Disability: He's overweight and sweats a lot, and he's on blood-pressure medication, but he's fine otherwise.
Look/Dress: Ito-sensei is a private man. He usually wears a cheap, brown or gray suit that always seems to be a few sizes too small. He blames his being overweight on his wife's cooking, but he also doesn't get enough exercise; spending most of his time sitting down at a desk, or in his car, or at the dinner table.
Details: He's been a High School mathematics teacher for 15 years – the last 10 of which have been at Yamaku. He lives in the nearby town and commutes to work in a little Hyundai. He's married to a woman named Miera – whose developing condition -Graves' Disease- inspired him to change schools. Having accepted the job to teach at Yamaku, Ito attended supplementary classes in sign-language, and was thus assigned to the homeroom containing mostly deaf or partially-deaf students.

[Mint]

I've been eyeing this thread for a while now and after some mental debating, I decided on adding my own OC here.
He's the subject of a fanfic I am writing currently, but I've managed to filter all the spoilers I can from this post.
Plus, I don't exactly expect a plethora of readers, so I guess there's no harm in doing this. Here goes!

Edit: Added a bit more depth to the character.

The character:
Name: Ian Atakai (Atakai Ian)
Age: 19
Zodiac: Scorpio
Weight: 66kg
Height: 171cm
Blood Type: 0
Disability: Retrograde amnesia, Catalepsy.
Quote: "Can you find yourself?"

Appearance:
On prima vista, Ian appears as a healthy young boy, especially standing in comparison with the other students of Yamaku. A bit skinny for his age, of average height and with a distinctively weathered, aloof expression. While he didn't seem sad, he didn't seem happy either. His facial expression wasn't unreadable, it was just near absent. His face is neutral despite the situation he was in, seldom changing to a mere evaluative one if the circumstances called for it. While he wasn't one to be classified as overly handsome by any paragraph, he was still quite the fair young lad, especially due to his exotic features. His face bears a distinctive amerasian appearance, giving indications of mixed blood somewhere down his lineage. His hair was short and pitch black, often slid up in a messy spike style.

Bio:
Ian's past is familiar to many. Save for Ian himself. The last thing he can remember is waking up in a hospital bed, next to a torrent of medical staff that was rushing around him, ready to accommodate him into this world like a newborn. He had no memory of who he was, what had happened or why he was in a hospital in the first place. His diagnose was Focal Retrograde Amnesia. All of his reflexes were still very much intact. He knew how to walk, write, talk and socialize properly with others, but he had no memory of his past whatsoever.

During his stay at the hospital, Ian was made familiar with the events that lead him to this condition. Despite their severity, Ian took them as a story about someone else, unable to connect any of the events to himself due to his lack of a memory. During a nighttime trip, he and his family suffered a severe car crash with an oncoming transport vehicle when the driver had dozed off on the wheel, protruding into the opposite lane and ramming his vehicle headfirst into the car in which Ian was traveling. The impact had killed both of his parents on the spot, however Ian escaped with surprisingly little bodily injuries. However a severe hit to the cranium had knocked him out cold and sent him into a coma for 6 months, from which he eventually recovered. Though at the cost of his memory and the loss of any sensation in his left arm.

During the course of the next 4 months, Ian was kept in the hospital to make sure that all of his vital signs were alright. He was also kept there for another reason, to monitor his Catalepsy - a condition Ian has had ever since birth. The only semblance of his past life he managed to carry over with him after the incident. A condition which, along with Ian's recent trials and the loss of his parents whom had previously homeschooled him, made normal schooling a complete impossibility. Thus Ian was enrolled into Yamaku Academy, with "others of his kind".

Ian does not view his enrolling in Yamaku as neither a good nor bad thing. He has no past to mourn and he has no one to miss. In his own way, he sees this as fate's own little twisted idea of allowing him to make a new life for himself, after all the remnants of his old one were forever gone. Due to spending an entire year in recovery, Ian had to repeat his class and is thus one year older than his classmates.

It is unknown whether it is a trait he developed after the accident or had it prior, but Ian has a large affinity towards writing and poetry.

On the girls
Shizune:
"Her expectant attitude peeves me off a bit. I don't see her as a bad person, but she's too competitive and demanding for my tastes. I love my freedom to take things at a slower pace and I feel that freedom is constricted whenever I'm around her. But she's an intelligent girl, there's no denying that. I think she just needs to calm down and enjoy the ride, or else she'll miss the view."

Misha:
"The last person in the world I would expect to be friends with Shizune. But I guess serving as her mediator has brought the two close. Misha's pretty happy-go-lucky and while her bubbly attitude can get on your nerves sometimes, that cheerfulness can brighten up even your gloomiest day. She's a nice girl, though sometimes I find myself wondering why she puts up with Shizune's constant slave driving."

Rin:
"She's deep, that one. For someone whose speech is so inarticulate, she is a very good conversational partner. Sadly, I don't see myself getting close to her, we're just two different ends of a spectrum. Yet I far from mind her company. Her art is also pretty breathtaking, but I just don't understand art that much. Her talent is undeniable."

Emi:
"She is nothing short of completely astounding. Saying that girl is disabled would be a dramatic overstatement. Her disability does not hold her back, not one bit. She rushes steadfast into her dreams and I am left with nothing short of the utmost admiration for her. Her headstrong attitude is something I find myself envying. She's also a pretty cheerful person to be around. For someone so talented, I wonder why her social circle seems so small."

Hanako:
"She's the classic example of why remembering your past may not always be a good thing. She's probably one of the few people that can relate to my losses. Yet for her it's worse, because she can vividly remember every moment of it. And I can relate to her pain too, even if just barely. Sometimes I find myself wishing I could alleviate this poor soul from her pain even for just a few seconds, but that's not my business to meddle in. She's shy and timid, but even though she doesn't talk much - she has a lot to say. I do hope she opens up to me eventually."

Lilly:
"A wonderful person through and through. Always giving and never expecting anything in return. I admire her motherly nature, especially towards Hanako and partially to Hisao. I also feel guilty of saying this, but she is quite the sight to look at. I enjoy spending time with her, even if most of it is either formal or smalltalk.

[Quantum Toast]

Disability: Retrograde amnesia, Catalepsy.
Quote: "Can you find yourself?"

Bah, I'd been thinking up a character with anterograde amnesia. Now I feel like I'm copying you.

[MissDash]

Kay, so since this is both fan art and fan fiction I had no idea where the post so, Here everything..



The hallways were empty, I was just pacing around surprisingly without no reason. I had no idea how I got here or what I was supposed to do the silence and emptiness consumed me bit by bit, I might of just gotten some amnesia, it felt so odd to just be there. Bang! I hear a loud thump behind me, as I turn I see a thin, slightly short girl on the ground she bites her lip trying to hold in the pain she's feeling, she must of tripped over something since she's sitting on the ground.I think i've seen her before, during lunch occasionally. She's wearing an overly sized boys uniform shirt covering her small adorable fragile slightly, she has the girl's uniform's bow, though her's looks a little different, a little more thin than the other ones. She manages to stand up her weak bony legs shaking slightly,I realized i've just been standing here staring at her for a couple of minutes. My cheeks immediately turn red starting to resemble her long flawless curly hair, I'm embarrassed because I didn't help her, I open my mouth to talk but I'm still captured by her unique beautiful appearance, she does resemble Rin a bit when I think about it.

" Hey you all right?" I scoff at her, it wasn't meant to sound so rude but it did, and I'm even more embarrassed
She smiles at me, despite my tone
" Heh.. I'll be all right, don't worry your pretty little head"
Her voice is slightly darker than I expected, it's still beautiful. She has a posh english accent, it's beautiful and the sound of it echoes in my ears.
I chuckle, she's pretty funny
"Allright, I'm Hisao by the way"
" Mizuki, I'm Mizuki. Pleasure to meet you Hiseao"
"Hisao."
"Oh right, *giggle* Hisaeoh"
I chuckle, her cute stupidness is absolutely hilarious
"Hisao, Hi-Sa-o"
"Hisao? Hisao! Did you hear that? That was right wasn't it?" She smiles brightly as she says it
I nod, and smile " Yes, Hisao"
" See you Hisaoe! I mean.. Hisao."
She scurries of smiling, my heart is still pounding, I think I've fallen in love.

[spirizu]

This struck me as something where you weren't interested in the setting, you weren't interested in describing the scene, you weren't interested in delving too deeply into the characters' motivations; you just wanted to introduce an OC and get it done with.

The hallways were empty, I was just pacing around surprisingly without no reason.

Characters in fiction, whether it's Nobel Prize-winning literature or cripple porn fanfics, never do anything for no reason. You need to give Hisao a reason to be there. Where has he come from? Where is he going? How long has he been there? If he's just waiting around, that's cool, but who's he waiting for? Why? How does he feel? Is he happy to be there? Angry? Impatient? Frustrated? You need to explain these.

I had no idea how I got here or what I was supposed to do the silence and emptiness consumed me bit by bit, I might of just gotten some amnesia, it felt so odd to just be there.

As above, but making it appear that any character, particularly Hisao, is prone to sudden attacks of amnesia is not credible and comes across as pretty lazy. Give him a reason to be there, preferably a surprising one. Reel the reader in. (Also, it's "might have" throughout).

I'm embarrassed because I didn't help her

Don't have the character state how he feels so flatly. Something like: When I realise I've forgotten to extend a hand to help her up, my cheeks turn as red as her shoulder-length curls would be a start. Let the reader infer Hisao's emotions from his actions.

stupidness

Not a word. Personally, I wish it were but I don't write the dictionaries.

She scurries of smiling, my heart is still pounding, I think I've fallen in love.

Sorry, but why? Okay, she's pretty (all the girls are pretty, to one extent or another) and she's flirtatious (about as much as Emi, it appears), but Hisao (the Master of Romance) isn't a guy to fall madly for a girl the first time he sees her: Act 1 makes that clear. You need to flesh out the meeting between them, and give the reader a chance to see what she's like, what traits she has that might attract Hisao, and how he might gradually fall for her.

If you want to see how the masters flesh out an emerging romance (imo), read:

Scissorlips' pseudo-Suzu route; and
Themocaw's pseudo-Saki route.

Most of us can't write as well as they can, but you can at least pick up some pointers from reading their styles. Nothing is rushed, and everything happens at its own pace, much like in the canon routes.

Finally: welcome to the forum.
I hope this wasn't overly harsh, but I think the sooner we have our mistakes pointed out, the sooner we can learn from then.

[LOL WUT]

stupidness

Not a word.

That made me laugh a bit more than it was supposed to.