New user here, only been posting in KSG until now. I read the stickys, please feel free to inform me of any unwritten rules I should know about here.
Also, obviously looking for feedback before I move on to other things. I don't think I have the patience to write anything much longer than these, I'm pretty happy just making very quick stories for people to bang out in five minutes or so.
http://pastebin.com/u/OfficialJab
Hanako's was actually written first, by a week or two. Its style may be a little stressful to read, but that's another advantage of keeping them short - I can experiment more. I much prefer to be in their head, than describing everything from the outside. It needs some fine-tuning, I think.
Edit: All three are posted in the thread below now, if you'd prefer not to leave the site to read them.
Three small stories.
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OfficialJab
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Thu Mar 08, 2012 7:24 pm
Three small stories.
Last edited by OfficialJab on Sat May 26, 2012 10:56 am, edited 1 time in total.
http://pastebin.com/u/OfficialJab
There's my stories. All around a five-minute read each, or less.
There's my stories. All around a five-minute read each, or less.
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Total Destruction
- Posts: 326
- Joined: Thu May 10, 2012 5:45 am
- Location: Hit Deborah Cliff with your head to make a hole.
Re: Three small stories.
Good stuff. The Suzu and Miki story is adorable. I come into this fandom pretty ignorant about everything not in the finished product, and now it seems every writer on the forum is pulling at my heartstrings with a random narcoleptic who doesn't even get a bit part in the VN.
I'm also digging your general style. I'm a fan of the "less is more" philosophy, myself, as I tend to go full-on stream of consciousness all the time and am interested in taking steps to get around that.
Keep it going!
I'm also digging your general style. I'm a fan of the "less is more" philosophy, myself, as I tend to go full-on stream of consciousness all the time and am interested in taking steps to get around that.
Keep it going!
... Danger.
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Scissorlips
- Posts: 308
- Joined: Mon Mar 19, 2012 6:21 am
Re: Three small stories.
I'm glad you decided to start visiting the official forums. I was in exactly the same position as you, wondering about unofficial rules, etiquette, etc. I've actually already provided feedback on all three of these stories before in KSG, but I'll reiterate the gist of it for convenience's sake. First though, a couple things I've noticed about the forums here.
First off, although it's not considered rude or against the rules or anything, people generally post their stories here on the forum itself, rather than pastebin. It makes things easier to quote, and it's just kind of the way things are done here. Although you already use double spacing on pastebin, that's the general format used here on the forums as well. I tend to think that single spacing looks fine on pastebin, but double spacing is the norm here, just for future reference.
Second, "collection" threads, where a writer posts an assortment of completed works, generally don't seem to get a lot of responses. Partly I think that's because different people have different tastes and are looking for different types of stories--for example, some people like to read stories about Hanako and simply aren't interested in ones about Rin, etc. Because of this, people might be less inclined to respond to a thread like this when only one story catches their interest, because they don't want to mention one and leave out the others, it would leave a negative impression. That's just my personal take on it, though. The type of collection story where the writer posts new stories within the same thread (usually with an updated index of links to the posts containing them in the first post of the thread) don't have this problem, because they're updated as they go, rather than containing multiple previously completed stories.
Other than that, the official forums aren't so complicated, and they aren't so intimidating. It's really a great place to interact with readers and other writers alike, and it's nice to have a more "permanent" place to receive feedback sometimes.
In regards to your stories, I thought the Hanako/Shizune one was cute, and not bad at all for a first undertaking. They make a neat, if difficult to write, pair, and the timing for mother's day was perfect. I mentioned previously that the format was a little unique, and while it's still perfectly functional, I'm glad to see that your other stories prove that you have no problems working with standard prose. Writing in a unique style or format isn't objectionable in itself, as long as it still conveys the story effectively, does that make sense?
Your Rin story, I thought you nailed her character pretty well, something that can be quite a challenge. It know it doesn't take place too much further down the road, so it was interesting to see their relationship removed from Yamaku but not completely sunshine and roses yet. It was another sweet story, and I'd be interested to see if you decide to take a stab at one set even further down the line for them, where they've either grown even closer to being on the same "wavelength", or their inability to achieve that level of synergy is becoming a problem. Well, really, either would be interesting but the first would certainly be happier.
Finally, your Miki/Suzu story was adorable. I haven't read it since the first time you posted it, and I believe you mentioned that you addressed the Yamaku pool thing, so that isn't an issue. I really enjoy getting little glimpses into the lives of the background characters at Yamaku, and the interaction between the two was really enjoyable.
Little "day in the life of" stories like these, or vignettes, are a great way to cut your teeth on writing. Whether you stick to little one-shot stories like this or eventually get an idea for a larger story that you'd like to pursue, I've enjoyed all the things you've put out so far. Please keep writing.
First off, although it's not considered rude or against the rules or anything, people generally post their stories here on the forum itself, rather than pastebin. It makes things easier to quote, and it's just kind of the way things are done here. Although you already use double spacing on pastebin, that's the general format used here on the forums as well. I tend to think that single spacing looks fine on pastebin, but double spacing is the norm here, just for future reference.
Second, "collection" threads, where a writer posts an assortment of completed works, generally don't seem to get a lot of responses. Partly I think that's because different people have different tastes and are looking for different types of stories--for example, some people like to read stories about Hanako and simply aren't interested in ones about Rin, etc. Because of this, people might be less inclined to respond to a thread like this when only one story catches their interest, because they don't want to mention one and leave out the others, it would leave a negative impression. That's just my personal take on it, though. The type of collection story where the writer posts new stories within the same thread (usually with an updated index of links to the posts containing them in the first post of the thread) don't have this problem, because they're updated as they go, rather than containing multiple previously completed stories.
Other than that, the official forums aren't so complicated, and they aren't so intimidating. It's really a great place to interact with readers and other writers alike, and it's nice to have a more "permanent" place to receive feedback sometimes.
In regards to your stories, I thought the Hanako/Shizune one was cute, and not bad at all for a first undertaking. They make a neat, if difficult to write, pair, and the timing for mother's day was perfect. I mentioned previously that the format was a little unique, and while it's still perfectly functional, I'm glad to see that your other stories prove that you have no problems working with standard prose. Writing in a unique style or format isn't objectionable in itself, as long as it still conveys the story effectively, does that make sense?
Your Rin story, I thought you nailed her character pretty well, something that can be quite a challenge. It know it doesn't take place too much further down the road, so it was interesting to see their relationship removed from Yamaku but not completely sunshine and roses yet. It was another sweet story, and I'd be interested to see if you decide to take a stab at one set even further down the line for them, where they've either grown even closer to being on the same "wavelength", or their inability to achieve that level of synergy is becoming a problem. Well, really, either would be interesting but the first would certainly be happier.
Finally, your Miki/Suzu story was adorable. I haven't read it since the first time you posted it, and I believe you mentioned that you addressed the Yamaku pool thing, so that isn't an issue. I really enjoy getting little glimpses into the lives of the background characters at Yamaku, and the interaction between the two was really enjoyable.
Little "day in the life of" stories like these, or vignettes, are a great way to cut your teeth on writing. Whether you stick to little one-shot stories like this or eventually get an idea for a larger story that you'd like to pursue, I've enjoyed all the things you've put out so far. Please keep writing.
[Pastebin] [Familiarity]
Your troubles shall cease, and you will know peace.
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Mirage_GSM
- Posts: 6148
- Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
- Location: Germany
Re: Three small stories.
I don't think that collection threads get fewer responses in general.
It's probably just that one shots - which the collection threads primarily contain - don't have as much potential for speculation as multi-parters.
Regarding these stories... Well, I don't usually follow any links to pastebin or other external sources from the forum, so I haven't read them. If you decide to pst them here, I'll be glad to give you feedback.
It's probably just that one shots - which the collection threads primarily contain - don't have as much potential for speculation as multi-parters.
Regarding these stories... Well, I don't usually follow any links to pastebin or other external sources from the forum, so I haven't read them. If you decide to pst them here, I'll be glad to give you feedback.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune
My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
Sore wa himitsu desu.griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
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OfficialJab
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Thu Mar 08, 2012 7:24 pm
Re: Three small stories.
Thanks guys, I'll be posting them locally now instead of linking, and will do one story at a time. In this case it at least may be have been more obnoxious to create three new threads just for my own stories, but going forward it'll be one at a time, and in-thread. I imagined that huge blocks of text like stories would make threads hard to navigate, but that's just me being unfamiliar with the culture of writing boards.
That's actually in the pipeline, along with a couple things proposed last night on KSG.I'd be interested to see if you decide to take a stab at one set even further down the line for them
Will do, I'll drop them in this thread following this post, so anyone else viewing has them right here.If you decide to pst them here, I'll be glad to give you feedback.
http://pastebin.com/u/OfficialJab
There's my stories. All around a five-minute read each, or less.
There's my stories. All around a five-minute read each, or less.
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OfficialJab
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Thu Mar 08, 2012 7:24 pm
Muses
Late in the day, an hour after all classes had ended, a teacher and student sat by the windows of their classroom. The student stared at her easel; and the teacher at her student. The only colour on the paper was the orange from the sky outside. This identical scene took place almost every day for the first two weeks since the semester had started - the two people both focused on blank pages.
"Look, Tezuka..." the woman began. "I need to go home. I know it's difficult, but please just try."
"I can't paint at home. Hisao asks too many questions. And looks at the pictures before they're finished. Even though he tries not to. He can't help it."
"Those are just excuses. Also, they don't explain why you rarely paint here either."
Rin's eyes narrowed a bit. "I'm having this feeling... that the paper is disappointed. You know, when I make it into a picture." She peered into the sheet like a microscope - focused closely on the un-flatness of the surface. There were veins visible across all of it. There was reluctance on it, too. Seeing a brush threateningly hovering near your unpainted face must be frightening. A thought struck her, that all her painting was really just attacking innocent and harmless pages.
She tried to continue, "What's so wrong about being an empty piece of paper? Isn't it fine the way it is? It feels like trying to change it is... cruel."
"Paper doesn't think, Tezuka. It won't be sad because it's just a thing." The teacher paused, and tried to think of a different approach. "Are you telling me that you'll never paint again?" Rin looked away to the window to consider this for a moment, so the woman continued.
"Even if it could think, wouldn't an empty page regret being so similar to the others that nobody would ever admire it? I would long for someone to help me be something unique, to be proud of."
Rin looked back to the paper with slightly arched eyebrows, as if asking it if this were true.
"Don't you see them more like they're children? Helpless to grow without a parent? Look at each empty page and imagine how it wants to look, what it wants to be, and help it to reach that desire."
Rin looked back out at the sky. It seemed much flatter than the paper. Her stomach groaned audibly.
"....I'll try painting at home."
"Thank you. That's a good idea."
Sighing with releif and exhaustion, she began to pack Rin's bag for her. Despite the girl obviously being capable enough to do it herself, being in a hurry to finally leave work made it best to do it with hands.
-----------------------------------------
Hisao leaned against the counter, looking through his day's notes and waiting for his noodles to cook. There wasn't anything to worry about so far in his courses, just as his last teacher told him. It was clear that the university science courses shouldn't be difficult for him, but now that he was attending, there was no point in getting overconfident and blowing it.
He looked up from his book when the apartment door clicked. Rin nudged the door open, and closed it softly behind her with her foot.
"Hey. How was it today? Get any painting done?"
She looked over with a plain expression. "I'm going to do it here tonight. Please don't look at them."
Hisao glanced evasively sidewards, a little embarrassed. It was an old rule of theirs, that he never watch her paint or look at unfinished pictures. He knew, though, that she hadn't been working much in her classes, and not being able to see what she was doing was aggravating when it was apparent that she needed help.
Meddling had made things tense between them in the past, but had he kept himself totally removed, it was clear that she would have been in a serious situation. She acted on her own a lot, but like everyone else, needed some kind of support and friendly presence to keep her pointed in the right direction.
"Hisao?"
"Hmm?"
"Thanks. For before."
Hisao just smiled, not quite understanding what she meant, and knowing better than to try investigating. He was relieved by her tone, at least. "I'll bring you some dinner in a couple minutes, then let you get to work."
Rin nodded only very slightly, but was noticeably more comfortable right now than she had normally been since starting school. Her and that instructor normally spoke after school, and it seemed like there was some kind of small breakthrough today. He turned to pull out another pack of noodles from the cupboard.
-----------------------------------------
Despite there being painting tools all over the apartment anyways, most of Rin's work was done in the spare room. The extra cost for a two-bedroom had seemed like a wise idea to Hisao, considering how she lived and worked. He probably imagined keeping all of the art-related mess in one enclosed space, which worked for about a week.
They normally ate together, but with Rin so close to finally producing something, they both understood that it was best to keep her acting as independantly as possible tonight. However, after a couple of mouthfuls to quiet her stomach, she was again sitting in front of an empty page.
This time she watched it expectantly, wondering briefly if it would actually show her how it wanted to look. She looked over its face for clues. Maybe one corner could seem a little bluer...
Her expression of concentration slowly melted into a frown over a few minutes, with no hints of what to do with this paper. Instead, her mind and eyes wandered. She looked across all of her paints, still bottled, or mixed into each other to make special colours. Colours that went onto paper that never became anything and was all thrown out. How horrifying that must have been.
Her gaze finally fixed on a slightly paled green mix. As she watched it, a weak breeze came from the window. The green. And the wind. Rin recalled a walk she took one day, with Hisao. She had gone to the woods to think, and the stopped beneath her Worry Tree.
There were lots of trees in that small forest, with birds. She couldn't remember if it was bright out, but she felt like it was. It also may not have been windy, but she felt like it was. The tree was... big. Because it was supposed to take people's worries. Or maybe just her worries.
That day, she'd felt like she was underwater. Or under a lot of something-or-other. Thinking made it hard to breathe, so it may have been something other than water. It was hard to remember, very dim and shadowy. Remembering a specific feeling was more difficult than remembering a tree.
Except one feeling. She had a feeling of openness. Outside, in an open field. The openness of the sky, watching the grass and flowers circle in the wind, being able to see everything miles around. Those things made her feel like she was free to do anything that she could. She remembered being confused for a long time, but then feeling happy there.
-----------------------------------------
Hisao alternated between re-reading the same paragraph, and pacing from the sofa to the kitchen. He argued with himself about leaving Rin on her own in that room to do... possibly nothing. Bursting in on her unexpectably had made her angry in the past when she was working in the studio, but that wound up alright, didn't it? They were living well now, and following their dreams.
He heard the sound of her fork hitting her plate through the door, and decided that if she was eating, he probably wouldn't interrupt if he just knocked to see how she was doing.
"You can come in."
He entered to see her beaming at him with a single noodle still hanging out of her mouth. There wasn't a single unpainted space on the easel in front of her.
"I'm done. It's a self-portrait." She looked over at the picture, a brilliant collage of three scenes - a tree in the upper-left, an deep blue ocean beneath it, and an expansive field taking up the entire right side and most of the top.
"That's...unbelievable. You made that so quickly, I've barely done anything out there!" He scanned it more closely for a few seconds. "Rin, you're not even in this picture."
Still looking at it, she didn't respond right away.
"That's what I look like, though. I just saw myself."
She smiled in Hisao's direction again.
"And you're in it, too."
-----------------------------------------
-I'm going to be looking over it once I get back home today, since it still has a couple lines and vocabulary choices that I'm not thrilled with, but if you see anything at all then please let me know.
"Look, Tezuka..." the woman began. "I need to go home. I know it's difficult, but please just try."
"I can't paint at home. Hisao asks too many questions. And looks at the pictures before they're finished. Even though he tries not to. He can't help it."
"Those are just excuses. Also, they don't explain why you rarely paint here either."
Rin's eyes narrowed a bit. "I'm having this feeling... that the paper is disappointed. You know, when I make it into a picture." She peered into the sheet like a microscope - focused closely on the un-flatness of the surface. There were veins visible across all of it. There was reluctance on it, too. Seeing a brush threateningly hovering near your unpainted face must be frightening. A thought struck her, that all her painting was really just attacking innocent and harmless pages.
She tried to continue, "What's so wrong about being an empty piece of paper? Isn't it fine the way it is? It feels like trying to change it is... cruel."
"Paper doesn't think, Tezuka. It won't be sad because it's just a thing." The teacher paused, and tried to think of a different approach. "Are you telling me that you'll never paint again?" Rin looked away to the window to consider this for a moment, so the woman continued.
"Even if it could think, wouldn't an empty page regret being so similar to the others that nobody would ever admire it? I would long for someone to help me be something unique, to be proud of."
Rin looked back to the paper with slightly arched eyebrows, as if asking it if this were true.
"Don't you see them more like they're children? Helpless to grow without a parent? Look at each empty page and imagine how it wants to look, what it wants to be, and help it to reach that desire."
Rin looked back out at the sky. It seemed much flatter than the paper. Her stomach groaned audibly.
"....I'll try painting at home."
"Thank you. That's a good idea."
Sighing with releif and exhaustion, she began to pack Rin's bag for her. Despite the girl obviously being capable enough to do it herself, being in a hurry to finally leave work made it best to do it with hands.
-----------------------------------------
Hisao leaned against the counter, looking through his day's notes and waiting for his noodles to cook. There wasn't anything to worry about so far in his courses, just as his last teacher told him. It was clear that the university science courses shouldn't be difficult for him, but now that he was attending, there was no point in getting overconfident and blowing it.
He looked up from his book when the apartment door clicked. Rin nudged the door open, and closed it softly behind her with her foot.
"Hey. How was it today? Get any painting done?"
She looked over with a plain expression. "I'm going to do it here tonight. Please don't look at them."
Hisao glanced evasively sidewards, a little embarrassed. It was an old rule of theirs, that he never watch her paint or look at unfinished pictures. He knew, though, that she hadn't been working much in her classes, and not being able to see what she was doing was aggravating when it was apparent that she needed help.
Meddling had made things tense between them in the past, but had he kept himself totally removed, it was clear that she would have been in a serious situation. She acted on her own a lot, but like everyone else, needed some kind of support and friendly presence to keep her pointed in the right direction.
"Hisao?"
"Hmm?"
"Thanks. For before."
Hisao just smiled, not quite understanding what she meant, and knowing better than to try investigating. He was relieved by her tone, at least. "I'll bring you some dinner in a couple minutes, then let you get to work."
Rin nodded only very slightly, but was noticeably more comfortable right now than she had normally been since starting school. Her and that instructor normally spoke after school, and it seemed like there was some kind of small breakthrough today. He turned to pull out another pack of noodles from the cupboard.
-----------------------------------------
Despite there being painting tools all over the apartment anyways, most of Rin's work was done in the spare room. The extra cost for a two-bedroom had seemed like a wise idea to Hisao, considering how she lived and worked. He probably imagined keeping all of the art-related mess in one enclosed space, which worked for about a week.
They normally ate together, but with Rin so close to finally producing something, they both understood that it was best to keep her acting as independantly as possible tonight. However, after a couple of mouthfuls to quiet her stomach, she was again sitting in front of an empty page.
This time she watched it expectantly, wondering briefly if it would actually show her how it wanted to look. She looked over its face for clues. Maybe one corner could seem a little bluer...
Her expression of concentration slowly melted into a frown over a few minutes, with no hints of what to do with this paper. Instead, her mind and eyes wandered. She looked across all of her paints, still bottled, or mixed into each other to make special colours. Colours that went onto paper that never became anything and was all thrown out. How horrifying that must have been.
Her gaze finally fixed on a slightly paled green mix. As she watched it, a weak breeze came from the window. The green. And the wind. Rin recalled a walk she took one day, with Hisao. She had gone to the woods to think, and the stopped beneath her Worry Tree.
There were lots of trees in that small forest, with birds. She couldn't remember if it was bright out, but she felt like it was. It also may not have been windy, but she felt like it was. The tree was... big. Because it was supposed to take people's worries. Or maybe just her worries.
That day, she'd felt like she was underwater. Or under a lot of something-or-other. Thinking made it hard to breathe, so it may have been something other than water. It was hard to remember, very dim and shadowy. Remembering a specific feeling was more difficult than remembering a tree.
Except one feeling. She had a feeling of openness. Outside, in an open field. The openness of the sky, watching the grass and flowers circle in the wind, being able to see everything miles around. Those things made her feel like she was free to do anything that she could. She remembered being confused for a long time, but then feeling happy there.
-----------------------------------------
Hisao alternated between re-reading the same paragraph, and pacing from the sofa to the kitchen. He argued with himself about leaving Rin on her own in that room to do... possibly nothing. Bursting in on her unexpectably had made her angry in the past when she was working in the studio, but that wound up alright, didn't it? They were living well now, and following their dreams.
He heard the sound of her fork hitting her plate through the door, and decided that if she was eating, he probably wouldn't interrupt if he just knocked to see how she was doing.
"You can come in."
He entered to see her beaming at him with a single noodle still hanging out of her mouth. There wasn't a single unpainted space on the easel in front of her.
"I'm done. It's a self-portrait." She looked over at the picture, a brilliant collage of three scenes - a tree in the upper-left, an deep blue ocean beneath it, and an expansive field taking up the entire right side and most of the top.
"That's...unbelievable. You made that so quickly, I've barely done anything out there!" He scanned it more closely for a few seconds. "Rin, you're not even in this picture."
Still looking at it, she didn't respond right away.
"That's what I look like, though. I just saw myself."
She smiled in Hisao's direction again.
"And you're in it, too."
-----------------------------------------
-I'm going to be looking over it once I get back home today, since it still has a couple lines and vocabulary choices that I'm not thrilled with, but if you see anything at all then please let me know.
http://pastebin.com/u/OfficialJab
There's my stories. All around a five-minute read each, or less.
There's my stories. All around a five-minute read each, or less.
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OfficialJab
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Thu Mar 08, 2012 7:24 pm
Just as Good
Ikezawa Hanako - Saturday May 12th
My Mental Diary: I'll Be Sure To Write It Down Later...
-----------------------------------------
Why did Lilly have to make me come to class today... she probably knows I can't focus on my work...
...but I guess she thinks that it's best that I try anyways. I don't know why I'm taking notes.. I just keep thinking about how I'm trying not to think... and Hisao answers almost all of the questions, I don't even need to pay attention to what I'm writing... I don't really-
"Ikezawa? Do you know?"
Oh no.. what's the last thing I put down... Don't stutter...
Everybody's looking...please don't look...
Why did he ask me, he knows I can't...
"FE is... i-iron..."
"That's right. Excellent work."
I should leave... but they'll look at me again. I'll just keep writing, and... they'll look away soon.
I hope I don't cry... stop it stop it...
Finally, the bell... my heart shouldn't still be beating this fast, it feels uncomfortable.... I need to go now I don't care if I'm the first one up. No one talk to me please... I need to find Lilly... I don't understand why they talk to me, just leave me alone please...
-----------------------------------------
She's not here in her classroom either? Why would she not go to our tea room... why didn't I see her in the hall... I'll try again and...try the library...
"Ikezawa? Are you there?"
Oh no, who is it?
She's in... Lilly's class... should I answer? I don't want to... but maybe she knows where Lilly is...
"Y-yes..."
"Oh good. I'm supposed to let you know that Lilly's going out for a meeting with other class reps. They'll be out for an hour or so."
I think she's been waiting while I looked around the halls... and probably calling out to see if I was here...
...well not see....
"Thank... you...."
I'll make my footsteps a little louder so she'll know I'm going... please don't say anything else.. you seem nice, thank you for waiting... I'm sorry...
I'll go to the library then...
-----------------------------------------
This book is okay, I don't really care... I keep catching myself trying to get into it...
Stop... that... I don't want to think today... please just let me think about the story...
...
Who is-
Hakamichi? No..oh no, not her.. she doesn't stop staring... but I have to look because she can't-
A note?
"Would you please help me with some quick computer work? You know how to use one, don't you?"
If I say no then she'll... ...at least it should be quiet there... she's on her own right now.
Do I just nod?...
-----------------------------------------
"These numbers from each class need to go into this spreadsheet. Do you understand?"
I think this is what she wants...
.... ....good... it's a little better when she smiles like that...
I don't have to be scared...
Don't have to be scared... just please stop looking...
-----------------------------------------
Okay, that was easy - oh... I didn't even think about...
Mom...
Oh no, how long has she been staring? Another note... this must be annoying for her...
"That looks perfect, thank you."
Please stop staring...
Um...
What does that look mean?... Is she worried about me?.. Do I look sad right now... if I smile she'll know I'm lying...
What's she writing?...
"How do you feel?"
What do I do... talking like this would take forever..
And I don't want to...
I just want to read...
...
...
Oh no, how long have I been sitting and thinking... What's she doing...
Chess?
She's probably very good, I wonder if I could... I'll just nod.. I guess.
-----------------------------------------
This is difficult... reading the library's chess books doesn't really help when you're actually against someone. She must play more often, too. I should probably keep her queen trapped there but.. I'll lose if I keep waiting, I should try to take it. But then if she moves that knight..
... huh?
Why is she staring...
"..."
"Are you feeling alright?"
I think that's what she's trying to say...just nod...
I think she knows what I'm-
Oh, because she's the student council president... she must have a file...
Talking to people doesn't help, I'm still going to be thinking about-
"..."
"It's your turn."
That's why I don't like to think about things like this, I can't...
...
She's smiling again, I don't think I usually see her smiling, even though I don't look very often...
Oh, my move... she left her knight there, I guess she's really determined. This probably won't work but I'll just attack the queen I guess, I can't beat her anyways...
I just want to go...
Where's Lilly...
-----------------------------------------
I knew she would win, but I did okay. I wonder if she was letting me do better...
Is she setting them up again...
"..."
"Play again?"
What do I do.. I can't tell her no, she'll want to know why, I'll have to write it, she'll ask and ask and I just want to go find Lilly. I want Lilly, why is this happening today, why won't she just let me get up and go, I did what she wanted. What's she-
No, no, I can't cry, please stop, please stop, please stop...
She's getting up... oh no, she knows I'm crying, please let me go home, mommy please... where's Lilly?
"Lilllly...."
-----------------------------------------
I feel better... I can move...
I'm glad nobody came into the room... even Lilly. I don't want her to be embarrassed of me... she doesn't have to always take care of me... And she doesn't like Shizune that much, if she saw her hugging me... and I was crying...
I don't want her to let go yet, I wish I could be hugged more... it would make me feel better...
...oh, I wonder if...
Where's the paper...
"Did Lilly ask you to find me today?"
"No. But I know about tomorrow, and I thought I'd try to help. It's my responsibilty to look after the class, you know!"
Shizune is being so nice now... if she could be here every time that I...
Would she do that? She's kind of acting like a mother actually, how she holds on to me and tries to help me feel better... a bit...
...I need to go before Lilly comes back. Maybe she's already back, how long have I been crying?
Oh..
"Are you going?"
"Yes. Will you play me again tomorrow?"
"Of course! Bring Lilly, too. We'll order out some food, there's leftover money for it"
We'll be able to play a lot since it's Sunday.
I think.... it'll be fun.
---
---
-I'll probably be changing this title, unless people like it. It's never sat right with me. I'm going to be starting a new Hanako short-story today, should be ready tomorrow or Monday.
My Mental Diary: I'll Be Sure To Write It Down Later...
-----------------------------------------
Why did Lilly have to make me come to class today... she probably knows I can't focus on my work...
...but I guess she thinks that it's best that I try anyways. I don't know why I'm taking notes.. I just keep thinking about how I'm trying not to think... and Hisao answers almost all of the questions, I don't even need to pay attention to what I'm writing... I don't really-
"Ikezawa? Do you know?"
Oh no.. what's the last thing I put down... Don't stutter...
Everybody's looking...please don't look...
Why did he ask me, he knows I can't...
"FE is... i-iron..."
"That's right. Excellent work."
I should leave... but they'll look at me again. I'll just keep writing, and... they'll look away soon.
I hope I don't cry... stop it stop it...
Finally, the bell... my heart shouldn't still be beating this fast, it feels uncomfortable.... I need to go now I don't care if I'm the first one up. No one talk to me please... I need to find Lilly... I don't understand why they talk to me, just leave me alone please...
-----------------------------------------
She's not here in her classroom either? Why would she not go to our tea room... why didn't I see her in the hall... I'll try again and...try the library...
"Ikezawa? Are you there?"
Oh no, who is it?
She's in... Lilly's class... should I answer? I don't want to... but maybe she knows where Lilly is...
"Y-yes..."
"Oh good. I'm supposed to let you know that Lilly's going out for a meeting with other class reps. They'll be out for an hour or so."
I think she's been waiting while I looked around the halls... and probably calling out to see if I was here...
...well not see....
"Thank... you...."
I'll make my footsteps a little louder so she'll know I'm going... please don't say anything else.. you seem nice, thank you for waiting... I'm sorry...
I'll go to the library then...
-----------------------------------------
This book is okay, I don't really care... I keep catching myself trying to get into it...
Stop... that... I don't want to think today... please just let me think about the story...
...
Who is-
Hakamichi? No..oh no, not her.. she doesn't stop staring... but I have to look because she can't-
A note?
"Would you please help me with some quick computer work? You know how to use one, don't you?"
If I say no then she'll... ...at least it should be quiet there... she's on her own right now.
Do I just nod?...
-----------------------------------------
"These numbers from each class need to go into this spreadsheet. Do you understand?"
I think this is what she wants...
.... ....good... it's a little better when she smiles like that...
I don't have to be scared...
Don't have to be scared... just please stop looking...
-----------------------------------------
Okay, that was easy - oh... I didn't even think about...
Mom...
Oh no, how long has she been staring? Another note... this must be annoying for her...
"That looks perfect, thank you."
Please stop staring...
Um...
What does that look mean?... Is she worried about me?.. Do I look sad right now... if I smile she'll know I'm lying...
What's she writing?...
"How do you feel?"
What do I do... talking like this would take forever..
And I don't want to...
I just want to read...
...
...
Oh no, how long have I been sitting and thinking... What's she doing...
Chess?
She's probably very good, I wonder if I could... I'll just nod.. I guess.
-----------------------------------------
This is difficult... reading the library's chess books doesn't really help when you're actually against someone. She must play more often, too. I should probably keep her queen trapped there but.. I'll lose if I keep waiting, I should try to take it. But then if she moves that knight..
... huh?
Why is she staring...
"..."
"Are you feeling alright?"
I think that's what she's trying to say...just nod...
I think she knows what I'm-
Oh, because she's the student council president... she must have a file...
Talking to people doesn't help, I'm still going to be thinking about-
"..."
"It's your turn."
That's why I don't like to think about things like this, I can't...
...
She's smiling again, I don't think I usually see her smiling, even though I don't look very often...
Oh, my move... she left her knight there, I guess she's really determined. This probably won't work but I'll just attack the queen I guess, I can't beat her anyways...
I just want to go...
Where's Lilly...
-----------------------------------------
I knew she would win, but I did okay. I wonder if she was letting me do better...
Is she setting them up again...
"..."
"Play again?"
What do I do.. I can't tell her no, she'll want to know why, I'll have to write it, she'll ask and ask and I just want to go find Lilly. I want Lilly, why is this happening today, why won't she just let me get up and go, I did what she wanted. What's she-
No, no, I can't cry, please stop, please stop, please stop...
She's getting up... oh no, she knows I'm crying, please let me go home, mommy please... where's Lilly?
"Lilllly...."
-----------------------------------------
I feel better... I can move...
I'm glad nobody came into the room... even Lilly. I don't want her to be embarrassed of me... she doesn't have to always take care of me... And she doesn't like Shizune that much, if she saw her hugging me... and I was crying...
I don't want her to let go yet, I wish I could be hugged more... it would make me feel better...
...oh, I wonder if...
Where's the paper...
"Did Lilly ask you to find me today?"
"No. But I know about tomorrow, and I thought I'd try to help. It's my responsibilty to look after the class, you know!"
Shizune is being so nice now... if she could be here every time that I...
Would she do that? She's kind of acting like a mother actually, how she holds on to me and tries to help me feel better... a bit...
...I need to go before Lilly comes back. Maybe she's already back, how long have I been crying?
Oh..
"Are you going?"
"Yes. Will you play me again tomorrow?"
"Of course! Bring Lilly, too. We'll order out some food, there's leftover money for it"
We'll be able to play a lot since it's Sunday.
I think.... it'll be fun.
---
---
-I'll probably be changing this title, unless people like it. It's never sat right with me. I'm going to be starting a new Hanako short-story today, should be ready tomorrow or Monday.
http://pastebin.com/u/OfficialJab
There's my stories. All around a five-minute read each, or less.
There's my stories. All around a five-minute read each, or less.
-
OfficialJab
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Thu Mar 08, 2012 7:24 pm
Nap Time With Miki and Suzu
"Sa-weeeeet! Time to team up again!"
"Can we please get it done this time? If we screw up another assignment I probably won't pass."
"Don't just blame me, I don't fall asleep during class."
"But you don't do any work while I'm asleep..."
Noisily sliding her desk over to her friends' and plopping back down on her chair, Miki's energy wasn't felt by any of the other students in the room, all of them worn out from the heat.
Her mood quickly soured after that small bit of activity. "Arrrrrgh, can we make Shizune buy us a fan? We should have the best class, since she's in it." She made sure this complaint was audible to the people around her, who were likely to agree with her. The president couldn't hear it anyways.
Miki began fanning herself with her notebook. "I can't stand this for months, I want winter to start again. It's more comfortable to run when it's cool."
"Why don't more competitions take place in winter then?"
"Some do. I dunno, probably ice? Or because keeping the tracks clean is too difficult?" She sighed dramatically. "If it does keep getting hotter every year then I think they should definitely move the whole thing to winter time."
The two reluctantly began to try going through their questions after drawing too many lingering stares from the instructor. Reading and writing not requiring any exertion didn't make it any less exhausting, though, and soon more of the class began chatting quietly as well. Miki looked longingly out the window.
"We should go swimming sometime. Somewhere outdoors, like a pretty lake. I want to go move around, you know? But I don't want to be hot. Maybe go somewhere windy? Oh for goodness sake."
Suzu had unsurprisingly fallen asleep while Miki was daydreaming. She looked on her friend with some uncharacteristic jealousy today, fantasizing about escaping from the uncomfortable heat. Common advice would be to work to keep your mind occupied on something other than the temperature, and she figured she would try. She figured if she could finish the assignment before Suzu woke up, she could gloat a little.
-----------------------------------------
Despite the weather being an enormous drain, the two decided to head into town for lunch, walking arm-in-arm in case of a sleep attack. Miki was hoping to find out a good place to swim outdoors, short of travelling to the ocean.
"Do you swim often? What happens if you go to sleep when you're in the water?"
"I haven't tried, I was told that it's too dangerous. I have some memories of being in the water with a life preserver when I was little, though."
"Tough break. I'm sure that would be fine with other people around, though. It's gotta be worth it now, if ever."
They got some packaged meals and cans of juice from a convenience store and took it to a park. The cashier didn't know about any place to swim locally.
"I kinda wondered today. Do you have much time to dream when you're out for such a short time?"
"Yeah," she replied muffled with a mouthful of sandwich. "I hear most people can't remember their dreams, either. I can."
"Oh. I thought I read something about dreams taking place only after being asleep for awhile. In R.E.M., right? I guess its different for you guys."
"It's still such a hassle." she sighed. "I hate waking up and my food is cold or I've knocked something over."
"Good thing I'm here to look out for ya!"
No response, instead Suzu slumped over onto her shoulder.
"Heh, again? Geez..."
"I'm not asleep."
"Oh."
-----------------------------------------
Finishing the school day was nearly unbearable, so after class they just sprawled out across the floor and bed in Suzu's room, waiting for night to cool the air down. When stopping at a different store for more juice on the way back, a customer overhearing their conversation told them about a popular river for swimming in a nearby town easily accessible by train, and Miki's mind was set on it for the rest of the day.
"You sure you wanna try it out? Don't do it 'cuz of me."
"I want to. I don't never want to swim again, that's stupid. I wanna try."
"Kick ass! I'd be pretty scared I think, but that's totally what I'd say."
They kept laying in silence after that short conversation, the effort to speak not worth boring small talk.
"What do you dream about anyways? Does it feel short?"
Suzu watched the ceiling for a few seconds. "The same things as everybody else, I think. When you wake up, you kinda realize that it didn't make much sense. But it feels like such a long time." She thought a little harder. "Sometimes I kinda... know I'm dreaming. And I can sort of choose what to do? It's weird to try and explain. Scary things happen, but if I don't feel alone then friends will be there too. And when I wake up alone somewhere it can be a little disappointing."
"Maybe you could stay over tonight? We can head to class tomorrow morning at the same time." She plopped her head over to get an answer, and smiled to find Miki'd fallen asleep at some point.
"What about you? What do you dream about?" She watched her friend for a few minutes, not really wondering about the answer.
"Probably swimming by now." It was a couple hours before Suzu went to sleep: she enjoyed the chance to watch someone else dream a bit.
-----------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------
-Ten points to anyone who gets what the name is in reference to, though it's probably not obvious enough.
This one was pretty well-received so far, so if there's something you see worth changing, that would hopefully make it even better.
"Can we please get it done this time? If we screw up another assignment I probably won't pass."
"Don't just blame me, I don't fall asleep during class."
"But you don't do any work while I'm asleep..."
Noisily sliding her desk over to her friends' and plopping back down on her chair, Miki's energy wasn't felt by any of the other students in the room, all of them worn out from the heat.
Her mood quickly soured after that small bit of activity. "Arrrrrgh, can we make Shizune buy us a fan? We should have the best class, since she's in it." She made sure this complaint was audible to the people around her, who were likely to agree with her. The president couldn't hear it anyways.
Miki began fanning herself with her notebook. "I can't stand this for months, I want winter to start again. It's more comfortable to run when it's cool."
"Why don't more competitions take place in winter then?"
"Some do. I dunno, probably ice? Or because keeping the tracks clean is too difficult?" She sighed dramatically. "If it does keep getting hotter every year then I think they should definitely move the whole thing to winter time."
The two reluctantly began to try going through their questions after drawing too many lingering stares from the instructor. Reading and writing not requiring any exertion didn't make it any less exhausting, though, and soon more of the class began chatting quietly as well. Miki looked longingly out the window.
"We should go swimming sometime. Somewhere outdoors, like a pretty lake. I want to go move around, you know? But I don't want to be hot. Maybe go somewhere windy? Oh for goodness sake."
Suzu had unsurprisingly fallen asleep while Miki was daydreaming. She looked on her friend with some uncharacteristic jealousy today, fantasizing about escaping from the uncomfortable heat. Common advice would be to work to keep your mind occupied on something other than the temperature, and she figured she would try. She figured if she could finish the assignment before Suzu woke up, she could gloat a little.
-----------------------------------------
Despite the weather being an enormous drain, the two decided to head into town for lunch, walking arm-in-arm in case of a sleep attack. Miki was hoping to find out a good place to swim outdoors, short of travelling to the ocean.
"Do you swim often? What happens if you go to sleep when you're in the water?"
"I haven't tried, I was told that it's too dangerous. I have some memories of being in the water with a life preserver when I was little, though."
"Tough break. I'm sure that would be fine with other people around, though. It's gotta be worth it now, if ever."
They got some packaged meals and cans of juice from a convenience store and took it to a park. The cashier didn't know about any place to swim locally.
"I kinda wondered today. Do you have much time to dream when you're out for such a short time?"
"Yeah," she replied muffled with a mouthful of sandwich. "I hear most people can't remember their dreams, either. I can."
"Oh. I thought I read something about dreams taking place only after being asleep for awhile. In R.E.M., right? I guess its different for you guys."
"It's still such a hassle." she sighed. "I hate waking up and my food is cold or I've knocked something over."
"Good thing I'm here to look out for ya!"
No response, instead Suzu slumped over onto her shoulder.
"Heh, again? Geez..."
"I'm not asleep."
"Oh."
-----------------------------------------
Finishing the school day was nearly unbearable, so after class they just sprawled out across the floor and bed in Suzu's room, waiting for night to cool the air down. When stopping at a different store for more juice on the way back, a customer overhearing their conversation told them about a popular river for swimming in a nearby town easily accessible by train, and Miki's mind was set on it for the rest of the day.
"You sure you wanna try it out? Don't do it 'cuz of me."
"I want to. I don't never want to swim again, that's stupid. I wanna try."
"Kick ass! I'd be pretty scared I think, but that's totally what I'd say."
They kept laying in silence after that short conversation, the effort to speak not worth boring small talk.
"What do you dream about anyways? Does it feel short?"
Suzu watched the ceiling for a few seconds. "The same things as everybody else, I think. When you wake up, you kinda realize that it didn't make much sense. But it feels like such a long time." She thought a little harder. "Sometimes I kinda... know I'm dreaming. And I can sort of choose what to do? It's weird to try and explain. Scary things happen, but if I don't feel alone then friends will be there too. And when I wake up alone somewhere it can be a little disappointing."
"Maybe you could stay over tonight? We can head to class tomorrow morning at the same time." She plopped her head over to get an answer, and smiled to find Miki'd fallen asleep at some point.
"What about you? What do you dream about?" She watched her friend for a few minutes, not really wondering about the answer.
"Probably swimming by now." It was a couple hours before Suzu went to sleep: she enjoyed the chance to watch someone else dream a bit.
-----------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------
-Ten points to anyone who gets what the name is in reference to, though it's probably not obvious enough.
This one was pretty well-received so far, so if there's something you see worth changing, that would hopefully make it even better.
http://pastebin.com/u/OfficialJab
There's my stories. All around a five-minute read each, or less.
There's my stories. All around a five-minute read each, or less.
Re: Three small stories.
It took me a second to notice you moved the fan fictions over here.
Can't wait to see more of your work.
Can't wait to see more of your work.
Fan Fiction writer's are drug dealers and they don't even know it.
-
Ascended Flutist
- Posts: 139
- Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2012 7:53 am
- Location: The Sixth House Rubbery Instruments Club
Re: Three small stories.
First, Hello and welcome to the cozy little family ! Have a fishst- wrong forum. Have a...ah, band aid ? Yep, we'll go with that. Have a band aid. Not as good as duct tape, but it does the job.
Second, I do like your minimalist narration a lot. Helps with the flow tremendously. Although, sometimes it flows a little too quickly to properly grasp, I dare say. It took Scissorlips' comment to make me realize that Hanako's story was about Mother's day. Had no troubles for the other two, though.
As far as story goes, I read and liked all three of those. Good characterization, especially with Rin. So, thank you for writing them.
I'll be reading what you write.
Second, I do like your minimalist narration a lot. Helps with the flow tremendously. Although, sometimes it flows a little too quickly to properly grasp, I dare say. It took Scissorlips' comment to make me realize that Hanako's story was about Mother's day. Had no troubles for the other two, though.
As far as story goes, I read and liked all three of those. Good characterization, especially with Rin. So, thank you for writing them.
I'll be reading what you write.
And to live in Peace A post Hanako Good End fanfiction. That about sums it up.
Fanfics Thou shalt not regret reading : Bloodline, Doomish's Misha Pseudo-route, Rika's Story, A Pseudo-pseudo Suzu Route.
There are many other apocryphas worth reading in the fanfiction section. Do yourself a favor, dig them up and read them. Reading is good.
Nice hat.
Fanfics Thou shalt not regret reading : Bloodline, Doomish's Misha Pseudo-route, Rika's Story, A Pseudo-pseudo Suzu Route.
There are many other apocryphas worth reading in the fanfiction section. Do yourself a favor, dig them up and read them. Reading is good.
Nice hat.
-
Mirage_GSM
- Posts: 6148
- Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
- Location: Germany
Re: Three small stories.
Damn wiifi connection made me lose my post 
Anyway, nice stories, all three of them.
Rin's story feels a bit slow - not much happening there. Characterisation of Rin is pretty good, though.
I like Hanako's story best. At the end there is a line where she worries about Lilly coming in and seeing Shizune hugging her. Also, I can believe Shizune being nice to Hanako, but her inviting Lilly over might be a bit much.
What does the story have to do with mother's day?
The last story is fine, but it feels like it is the setup for something rather than a story of its own...
Anyway, nice stories, all three of them.
Rin's story feels a bit slow - not much happening there. Characterisation of Rin is pretty good, though.
I like Hanako's story best. At the end there is a line where she worries about Lilly coming in and seeing Shizune hugging her. Also, I can believe Shizune being nice to Hanako, but her inviting Lilly over might be a bit much.
What does the story have to do with mother's day?
The last story is fine, but it feels like it is the setup for something rather than a story of its own...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune
My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
Sore wa himitsu desu.griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
-
OfficialJab
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Thu Mar 08, 2012 7:24 pm
Re: Three small stories.
I for sure knew that when I was writing it, it sped through some parts too quickly. It's my least favourite of the few so far, but I'm not sure how to flesh it out. I'll keep poking at it. It was meant to be related to Mother's Day because it was a request, but I thought that I wanted it to be applicable to any time. I'm gradually realizing that makes no sense though, I'll fix it with a sentence early on to point out when it takes place.Although, sometimes it flows a little too quickly to properly grasp, I dare say. It took Scissorlips' comment to make me realize that Hanako's story was about Mother's day.
Rin's... yeah, I thought about what I could insert to make her seem more concerned about her painting situation so that there was some more character interest there. Still thinking about the right way.feels a bit slow - not much happening there
seeing Shizune / might be a bit much
feels like it is the setup
"Seeing" Shizune..... no excuse for that. I'll hit myself in the face, don't worry. I'll try to soften her sudden willingness to see Lilly, too, but if she really does want to see more of Hanako, I think she'd accept that Lilly comes with that for Hanako to feel comfortable. Maybe not.
And the last one, I considered adding the actual trip to the lake, but figured it was better left to the imagination. The sleep might not be the best send-off, I'll sit on it for a bit.
Thanks, team!
http://pastebin.com/u/OfficialJab
There's my stories. All around a five-minute read each, or less.
There's my stories. All around a five-minute read each, or less.