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Kenji Setou wrote:Sometimes, I did not know what I wrote, or what I heard, or who asked me what. All I know is that I would wake up sweating, terrified, and my local printer would have material spewing from it, and a new document would have spawned. Many years later, I stumbled upon those insane documents. I will keep them here, where they can do no harm.

To: Nakai H.

Operative Nakai, this is Agent Setou.

When you told me to arrange a meeting with Tezuka, I was suspicious. Surely, he is one of us, but his argot is strange and his meaning impenetrable. However, he is a great asset because of his status as a sleeper agent in the feminist housing complex.

This, however, is my own report. After months of observation, including the years prior to your posting to Yamaku, I have come to the conclusion that Tezuka enjoys painting, although that may just be deep cover, a surface coating, if you like. Similarly, Tezuka eats lunch on the roof, taking utmost pains to act normally but never deigning to lay a hand on any of the feminists who periodically associate with him. Come to think of it, he is meticulous about not showing his hand in any game that he plays. A wise man.

Should you wish to meet, the best way is to join the Art Club. Agent Nomiya there acts as a dead drop. He once told me that if he dead drops, nobody would care. This is clearly the mark of a subtle and evasive agent, one who seems of no consequence to enemy eyes. He will put you in touch with Tezuka. A quick brush, a clever drop, and it will appear nothing but a wash to suspicious lookers-on.

After that, I recommend that you avoid the Shanghai. Quite apart from the awful thought evoked by such a Chinese name, it is also a hotbed of feminist activity. Do not fall for the servile behaviour of their top operative. Shirakawa has bested better men than you. Also avoid the roof. While Tezuka has a disarming way with Ibarazaki, the latter boasts deadly legwork and a near-invisible footprint.

The best is the park. Bring a beer or two, and lay out a picnic with Tezuka. Apparently, the second-best choice is the dandelion field. Somehow, Tezuka has been able to encode complex messages and deep concepts into the pseudo-random movement of the dandelion clocks. However, such communication is seasonal and limited.

I wish you all the best in your pursuit of manly excellence.

Honour and power!
Setou K.

To: Nakai H.

Operative Nakai, this is Agent Setou.

When you discuss Hakamichi, you cannot help but sneer at what you call her authoritarian streak. Are you so liberal that you fail to recognize true leadership? Hakamichi is off-limits. You might feel she is the leader of the feminist conspiracy but I assure you that she is not. My word is my bond, as is hers, if she had any.

This is what I have to say. Hakamichi used to have a student council. They were creatures who preferred to run a fashion show or beauty contest rather than revive the faded glories of Date Masamune, Lord of Aobayama. This displeased her, and she was vocal about it in the only way she could be. Posters. Lots of them.

They were very bright posters, mostly in pink paint on black construction paper and produced very rapidly. I had my suspicions when her main henchperson’s long brown braids turned to pink spirals. Surely, I said, a sign of the chemical apocalypse.

Should you wish to gain greater knowledge of the Hakamichi mystery, the council room is the place. Beware the henchperson. She may attempt to ‘comfort’ you, or worse, seek comfort from you. This is a treacherous distraction.

The Shanghai is surprisingly an option with Hakamichi. The other feminist leader is afraid of her and will not interfere. Note that with Hakamichi you must aim for a quick takedown, else you may find yourself bound to a chair like some female hero about to be tortured by stupid Eastern European spies.

I wish you all the best in your pursuit of manly excellence.

Honour and power!
Setou K.

To: Nakai H.

Operative Nakai, this is Agent Setou.

Did you reference Ikezawa in your last communication? Are you serious? There are field operatives who blanch when they have to think about that deadly assassin. Does it not provoke your intellect to wonder how she can be in school but hardly ever in class, and yet still do better than you at English? Big clue there.

This is what I have to say. Ikezawa is clearly an experienced agent for the other side. She has been through a lot and has the scars to prove it. She is good at improvising cover, and when you look at her sweet left side and then her mysterious hair-covered right side, it is like looking at two different people.

Because that’s what she is, man! She is the brains of the outfit. She reads all the time, protected by the feminist leader who controls the library. She is stealthy and pops up when you least expect it, but acts shy and afraid when you catch her doing that. Her stammer is just a device for gaining time to think about her actual response.

She is even an expert at psychological warfare. Using our own Japanese myth of the toilet ghost, she has deliberately crafted similarities that will subconsciously undermine your courage and your will.

The correct way to deal with this Ikezawa is out in the open, where everyone can see her and she cannot resort to shadowy tricks. On no account attempt her room, this can only lead to grief and maybe a shallow grave in a dandelion patch.

I wish you all the best in your pursuit of manly excellence.

Honour and power!
Setou K.

Serviam wrote:Sweet merciful Khorne, the things Kenji writes while on his hard shit...

To: Nakai H.

Operative Nakai, this is Agent Setou.

So, you are curious about Enomoto. It is only to be expected. After all, she did occupy your space in Supervising Agent Mutou’s home-room. Then she was bumped to 3-5, where the people without a proper schedule go. I have ascertained that this was for genuine medical reasons. She would otherwise have been your class representative, instead of your current Madame Dictator who is nonetheless open about her agenda and thus to be respected.

This is what I have to say. Enomoto does not seem to be a feminist, nor useful as a militant or covert element. From my limited contact with the subject, she is just a typical sweet Japanese girl with two little quirks. Firstly, she is obsessive about style and getting things right; secondly, she is a little bitter about her medical problems.

What is she? She is a rallying point for the feminist cause! She is strong and silent, yet sweet and stylish. She is suffering from a terrible disease, yet able to lead and command respect. She disavows the feminist agenda, but they have adopted her anyway.

One day the corridors will run blue with alien feminist blood shed for the sake of Saki Enomoto. Behind it all, she will be saying it is not her fault. It may indeed not be, but it will happen anyway! Also, she has friends who are journalists. Nobody is truly innocent who has friends like that.

My advice to you is to let her go. Ignore the promptings of your curiosity. There are some things man was not meant to know, there are some places where man was not meant to go, bodily boldly or otherwise.

I wish you all the best in your pursuit of manly excellence.

Honour and power!
Setou K.

To: Nakai H.

Operative Nakai, this is Agent Setou.

Ibarazaki?? Ibarazaki?! Nakai, you need to watch a Western movie called ‘Terminator’. She has put better people than either of us on the ground. You won’t see it coming, until WHAM and your heart stutters maybe for the last time.

This is what I have to say. Ibarazaki is ferocious, like a vampire puppy dog. She will look into your eyes and mind-control you with her green lasers. You will not notice that her smile is fake until it is too late. And if she pouts, do not fall for it! She may only be a peripheral member of the vast feminist conspiracy, but she is a potent one.

I have examined her prosthetics too. Unnatural flesh. She has the gait of a velociraptor, and the hungry way she looks at Miura is terrifying to behold. I am not ashamed to say that I would avoid Ibarazaki at all costs. Indeed, I have told you about this before, more than once in our daily briefings.

Should you, against all natural instinct, seek to confront her, your best bet is in a congested urban or wooded area, where she does not have smooth pathways to accelerate after you and take you down, leaving the shattered husk of a brave man lying in the dirt.

I wish you all the best in your pursuit of manly excellence.

Honour and power!
Setou K.

to nakai h that is not a librarian you fool that is the evil pawn of the feminisnt regimwe thati s taking over all of japan and making us emansuclueatded versions of ourslevs mwith no true manlieness how can you how can you think that is a woman oh my god hisao are you insane insane argh my ancestors arrh my unborn children you said the wront ghing my friend you saw the wrong person stay away from shirakawa she will eat your genetic material and oh god is am timyping so fast even the autocorrecty cant catch up because if I don't get this maessage to you fast enough you are doomed your seed is doomed japan will have no more heroes and I must fight the manly fight alone no hisao no hisao don't do it damn autocorrecergjersgdsfgjk’spdjkmadflv.zz.czkfk

AND AVOID THE SHANGHSAI.JSDF

brythain wrote:

she will eat your genetic material

bhtooefr wrote:

brythain wrote:

she will eat your genetic material

Kenji says this like it's a bad thing.

To: Nakai H.

Operative Nakai, this is Agent Setou.

This concerns the matter of the mysterious Takahashi. I do not know where you managed to dig up that name. Yes, it is found on the rolls of 3-5, the class that technically exists to contain students on irregular schedules. It is disturbing that you claim to have heard violin music coming from rooms that should be unoccupied.

This is what I have to say. There is indeed supposed to be a student named Takahashi, whose personal name is Kagami. Her hair is best classified as auburn, but she is said to spend most of her time away from school. They say she is beautiful. They, they…

Nakai, don’t let her break your heart. She is a heartbreaker. She is the soul of the school. She is the string that holds the violin together. I heard her once. I followed the music. Then she forgot me, and I am all alone. No, no, beware women with reddish hair, beware their beauty, they will haunt you forever!

I wish you all the best in your pursuit of manly excellence. Should you wish to pursue this mirage, this Takahashi, I cannot wish you anything.

Honour and power!
Setou K.

brythain wrote:

To: Nakai H.

Operative Nakai, this is Agent Setou.

This concerns the matter of the mysterious Takahashi. I do not know where you managed to dig up that name. Yes, it is found on the rolls of 3-5, the class that technically exists to contain students on irregular schedules. It is disturbing that you claim to have heard violin music coming from rooms that should be unoccupied.

This is what I have to say. There is indeed supposed to be a student named Takahashi, whose personal name is Kagami. Her hair is best classified as auburn, but she is said to spend most of her time away from school. They say she is beautiful. They, they…

Nakai, don’t let her break your heart. She is a heartbreaker. She is the soul of the school. She is the string that holds the violin together. I heard her once. I followed the music. Then she forgot me, and I am all alone. No, no, beware women with reddish hair, beware their beauty, they will haunt you forever!

I wish you all the best in your pursuit of manly excellence. Should you wish to pursue this mirage, this Takahashi, I cannot wish you anything.

Honour and power!
Setou K.

Editor's Note: This editor is thankful for assistance provided by the secretive informant known as 'forgetmenot' for source material concerning the mysterious Takahashi. Even if parts of it are fiction, I can tell you that a lot of it is true. [N, ISS]

forgetmenot wrote:

brythain wrote:Editor's Note: This editor is thankful for assistance provided by the secretive informant known as 'forgetmenot' for source material concerning the mysterious Takahashi. Even if parts of it are fiction, I can tell you that a lot of it is true. [N, ISS]

Hmm. Seems like a very mysterious guy, this forgetmenot. Probably handsome too.

To: Nakai H.

Operative Nakai, this is Agent Setou.

It is only to be expected that you would express interest in the female who guards the rear exit from your indoctrination centre. Have you examined her carefully? She takes great pains to disguise her assets and to make herself unattractive to human males like us.

This is what I have to say. By now, you know the dangers of associating with Hakamichi and her nerve-grating pinko friend. But you may have grossly underestimated the dangers of associating with Ooe and her subtle assistant Inoue. They are truly outstanding when it comes to intelligence work: I have caught them prowling around the male dorms but have never caught them red-handed with our secrets.

So who is Ooe? She is the secret mastermind of the feminist conspiracy, the totally non-obvious fembot. I discovered that she has a video feed and a tracking laser installed. These augmentations help her assemble those intrusive documents that she calls a school newspaper. Why, she has even arm-twisted me into publishing some minor secrets!

Let me warn you. One of her eyes will freeze you in your tracks. The other will heat your balls to bursting point and unman you totally. You can tell which is which from the colours: one is dark brown, a normal eye, until you realize it is darker than usual; the other is golden, its colour ablated by years of dangerously focused radiation. She will sterilize you if she gets the chance, neuter you, vaporize your love-life!

My advice to you is to avoid this one at all costs. Ignore the seductively concealed feminine figure and the artfully bedroom-messy hair. If she begins to fiddle with her glasses, it is time to run.

I wish you all the best in your pursuit of manly excellence.

Honour and power!
Setou K.