Shiina

[LordDarknus]

The hopeful brightness of the sky reaches down to me, amidst the murmur of other new students walking around me, passing me by unnoticed... I thought of saying something to some of them, I practised it nights before while lying awake in my bed, unable to sleep, though when I did sleep, and dreamt about today; this first day, at this 'Yamaku Academy', I imagined strange and mean things being done to me... I quickly shake my head a little, trying to forget the small pieces of strange dreams. I don't want those things to be in my head anymore... I try to fight back the feelings of falling tears, then take a deep breath, and walk ahead into my new school.

I keep looking down while walking, through the grand entrance with fancy black iron gates swung wide open. I don't look the other students in the eyes, I just concentrate on my every footstep, and try to think about nothing else. I just keep going straight, without- ah! -I bump into someone, I scared the tall girl in front of me who was walking slowly and holding hands with another girl; I quickly apologise, “I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!” – The tall girl with long blonde hair turns halfway to me, still holding on to the girl with short dark hair and glasses, who is glaring at me. Almost immediately I look away from her mean eyes, and my cheeks feel hot with shame, my eyes almost water while my lips start to quiver.

The tall blonde girl suddenly asks “What's the matter?” with a very polite and sweet voice, and before I could answer her and apologise again, the glasses girl has already led her on, suddenly leaving me standing alone among so many, at the open gates of Yamaku Academy...

* * *

I take my seat in class, and it feels a little bit more natural, now that it's been so many months since I set foot into Yamaku. I don't feel so afraid anymore like I did then, since the teachers are all very polite and caring, and the other students would never do anything mean to me – they don't tease me or make fun of me or hate me, and I think it's because they know what it's like, because everyone is... everyone is very special here, everyone has lost something, or never had something very important. – Unlike me, everyone here is disabled.

I don't even remember that reason anymore, the words I kept telling myself about why I didn't want to come to this school... that lonely painful reason I felt so deep inside of me. I tried thinking that it would be interesting to come here, even if everyone still hated me they would just leave me alone. Even if I have to take extra sign language classes for reduced tuition fees, so my parents could afford to send me here. I didn't really want to come here at all, and I told myself all those things that I didn't even believe to make myself come to this school.

The last school bell of the day rings out suddenly, shaking me awake from forgotten memories. And I suddenly realise the teacher is still staring at me, he looks like he was almost ready to call me to stand up and read the next paragraph... I quickly pack my things, and leave the classroom quietly. – The teachers have been telling me to pay more attention in class, and all the things they said to me I hear again at the back of my head, haunting my every step down the hallway.

I don't think I want to go back to my room right now, the dorms can get too noisy, I think I'll just go- suddenly, I catch a glimpse of someone rushing quickly into the library, with her long dark hair hiding her mysterious beauty underneath... I follow her and my yearning feelings, and in a dream I walk without a care about the world and find myself browsing the bookshelves without really wanting to read a book. Instead, I only want to look at her; that mysterious, beautiful girl from my class, who never says anything, and never stays anywhere for long, and yet described something meaningful to my heart, and left an everlasting memory of herself inside me. Like so many times before, I quietly approach the last bookshelf of the aisle as if I was just passing by, and gently pull a book free from the wall between me and her, making a small gap of light that lets in the sight of her into my opening heart...

It takes an instant before my eyes adjust to the light, and there she- Ah! A pair of mean and eager eyes shoot back at me! It's that silent madwoman from 1-1! She pushes up her gleaming glasses and steps around the shelf, and.. “charmingly” brushing aside her short dark hair, she “casually” throws her open hand at me with a smile, and waits impatiently for me to shake it. – I try not to, but I end up giving my hand to her, fearing that she will devour it as soon as she's done forcefully shaking it. She's from Year 1 - Class 1, the deaf and partially-deaf class, which means...

[Hello! ??? ???, ????? ???. I am ??? ?????, ??? ?????]

...she will try to talk to me with sign language, but I haven't been listening to the sign language teacher; I've been nodding half-asleep in her class. I was just cheating the school for cheaper tuition by taking that class in the beginning, and my parents said it is never as important as my main classes.

I try to sign something back to the crazy glasses girl but I stop myself, my hands holding out in front of me... I come back from a confusing daze, and still don't know how to answer her, while her eyes narrow and grow cold at me, angry that I'm not moving my hands. She's used pen and paper before with everyone else, I've seen her, but why won't she use them now? Why is she just forcing me to sign back to her? I.. I don't even know what she wants with me!

I stand for a long moment in front of her, before I suddenly remember I have a pen in my school bag. – I tremble feeling cold and scared, opening my bag under her unforgiving stare. I take out my empty notebook for sign language class; and slowly write the first words into the first page. I force myself to finish the sentence; still under her angry staring eyes, I pull and tear out the page. I give it to her with my shaking hand, and she stops herself from angrily snatching it, but takes it politely and reads it.

“I don't know any sign. I'm sorry.”


She looks up from my note and stares back at me, with anger or disapproval deep in her stern eyes. I slowly look away from her... I look down, I gaze at my own hands, nervously fidgeting and tightly clenching, grasping empty memories of lessons never learned.

Her hands slowly hold mine, softly warming my fingers.

I slowly look up to her... into her still stern but much softer eyes, understanding me with her gentle smile.


I slowly smile with reddened cheeks...

* * *

I knock gently on the open door, quickly drawing Lilly's attention; she turns her head around, and her long wavy blonde hair sways dreamily in the warmth of sunset. “Shiina? Is that you?” She asks with a beautiful voice, “Y-yes, it's me Lilly. I'm here again, for, for student council work.” I barely answer properly to her, my thoughts lost again in her enchanting blue eyes. Smiling with kindness and soothing words, Lilly frees me of fears and all my silly worries, and I could feel myself again entering the room, allowed to come close to an angel with every step.

I take this same seat I always take in the student council room, and set my bag down at this same spot beside the table, and look at this same mini mountains range of papers arranged on the desks in front of me: tidy and reaching out all around me, with towers neatly climbing about and forming pit-falls of flat rectangle holes, words and lines mixing with the shadows to look like little rivers of long-forgotten riddles. And quietly working away, tirelessly studying and filling up and writing away at every page of her castle and kingdom; the silent siren of Year 1 - Class 1 continues endlessly at her labours. A wordless maiden with her promise to bring joy and happiness to everyone. ...even to me.

Gazing upon her in the last light of day, left untouched by the shadows, I give my student council president the best wishes of my heart, and follow her on her long and lonely task, forgetting my own tired soul somewhere on the path behind, and start looking forward to that unfathomable end of the journey ahead.

* * *

I hold and stare at the photograph in my hand, the picture of Shizune, Lilly, and me, in the middle of keeping up our little booth during the festival last year. There is nothing sad about it; Shizune's eyes is determined and driven in her mission, Lilly's smile is warm and welcoming to everyone. I was there with them just like now; trying to help them anyway I can. – It was a very special day to remember, when the three of us in our little student council managed to do something so big; it was the day we worked every day for, it was our one day of cheer for the school where we wanted everyone to share together, that special moment when we put all our time and effort and all of our hearts to make happen... and the photograph of our happiest memory is filling me with sadness.

Lilly suddenly asks me to help her, to come and help put away her last folder for the day. I quickly wake up from whatever waking dream that was over me, and quietly do as she asks. Shizune simply scowls at both me and Lilly, then turns her head aside. “After today, you'll be on your own with the President, Shiina.” says Lilly, dusting her skirt as she stands. I take the folder from her, the last folder I'll ever be asked to help her keep. Lilly extends her cane noisily from pent-up anger and sorrow, and rudely taps her way to the door. “I wish you the best of luck, Shiina.” Lilly speaks her last words as politely as she can, and leaves. – Shizune refuses to even look.

'Goodbye... Lilly..' my own soft voice tries to speak.

I slowly look to my hands; in one, I still have our photograph. In the other, the folder... I look sadly to Shizune, who is busy reading Lilly's resignation note, over and over again, struggling with herself not to crumple the paper and throw it out. She doesn't want to talk to me either, not now, I think.. even though she wants to... but, I can't sign anything with my hands full anyway, so I bring myself to walk towards the huge grey cabinet, and put away the folder. – As I walk, the photograph in my hand catches gleams of sunset, feeling heavier and heavier with my every step. I stare at it as I come before the grey metal cabinet, my memory of the moment still alive but in fragments. I open the cold grey cabinet, and after a while of remembering them together, after living long enough inside the soundless memory; I close my eyes, and carefully put the photograph back into our 'important moments' folder, and file it away. ...just like that. ...just like Shizune would.

I close the cold metal cabinet, and lifelessly press my head against it.

* * *

I close my eyes from the world.

I close the windows to my soul and leave the world outside in darkness. I hold a tiny candle in my hands, the brightness of memories, and imagine myself falling forever into the lightless abyss of lost dreams.

The bad things that happened play again fast and loud, rushing like a dark wind through me. Sorrows of tears once so near seem a little far and faint, distant and indistinct; cruel noises and mean faces. All a blur of pain, echoing in a hollow past.

Sadnesses near become rainy oceans and grey horizons, growing to the edge of grasping and beyond understanding. An unreal sense of reality, surreal to all my numbed senses, but there is a light shining through...


I open my eyes.

The sunset warms my cheeks through the windows, reaching into the beating flame in my chest. The flickering feeling I've been having... it's been growing brighter lately, and today, this moment; I could shine like the sun has set forever in my heart. I look to Shizune beside me... a cape of soft whiteness billows from her bright shoulders, her silent eyes looking ahead into the shadows of sunset. She looks for something, something beyond all that she knows, something new and profound hiding from her in the unknown. Something life-changing.

Do I dare be what she wants? Do I dare pretend to be that special something she's looking for? Can I have the chance to show her? ...my heart and the light it carries?

She looks to me, as if she just heard me. With eyes soft and gentle, she smiles warmly to me, her being suddenly delicate and beautiful, so I let myself sign my heart...

[SheLovesMeNot]

This struck home for me: being new and confused at a new school. You did a good job describing the feelings involved, and did well to capture Misha's character.

Keep writing things.

[Frankyo]

Beautiful. I just love Misha's perspective in fanfic. She is a very interesting character imo.

[LordDarknus]

This struck home for me: being new and confused at a new school. You did a good job describing the feelings involved, and did well to capture Misha's character.

Keep writing things.

Beautiful. I just love Misha's perspective in fanfic. She is a very interesting character imo.

Thanks for your posts, SheLovesMeNot and Frankyo.

This was kind of a deliberate rip-off of J.R.R. Tolkien-style. "Adjusted" with my own so-called "style", of course, to fit with KS.

Can you spot the Silmarillion-esque similarities?
(Well okay no, I have not read 'The Hobbit' nor 'Silmarillion' because I have not bought them, just 'Lord of Rings')
(I care about stupid wordplay puns)

So basically yeah, Oppan Tokien Style.

[Oddball]

Sorry, didn't notice any Tolkien, but then again, I never cared for the books anyway. Still, it was a good read.

[LordDarknus]

Sorry, didn't notice any Tolkien, but then again, I never cared for the books anyway. Still, it was a good read.

I think the books are mostly okay. It's kind of like a giant history / geography lesson. Which makes sense. (Although kind of 'boring'? Can I use that word and not get hated?) And the movies were kind of Awesome too. Except the parts they changed that don't make sense.

And Thanks for your post Oddball. And wow, did this take me five months to reply to?

[ZeronosVega]

I'm really glad you made your reply when you did, otherwise I don't think I would have discovered this. This was a really good read and I liked seeing these events from Misha's perspective. Lilly leaving the student counsel elicited an unexpected emotional response from me.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to write this.

[LordDarknus]

I'm really glad you made your reply when you did, otherwise I don't think I would have discovered this. This was a really good read and I liked seeing these events from Misha's perspective. Lilly leaving the student counsel elicited an unexpected emotional response from me.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to write this.

Thanks ZeronosVega. Glad you liked it.

Also, the most obvious/blatant/"parody" reference to Tolkien was that thing about paperwork being piled up like a mountain range.

Err... this one.

I take this same seat I always take in the student council room, and set my bag down at this same spot beside the table, and look at this same mini mountains range of papers arranged on the desks in front of me: tidy and reaching out all around me, with towers neatly climbing about and forming pit-falls of flat rectangle holes, words and lines mixing with the shadows to look like little rivers of long-forgotten riddles.

Wahaha, ain't it funny? Describe boring paperwork like it's... Middle-Earth.

And Tolkien sure loves his semi-colons and colons, doesn't he?