Katawa Shoujo Forums

Okay, let's get the technical stuff out of the way first:

He tends to call on the people why look confused

Who.

It might just me a little lie

be.

I began to focus on my class

begin.

I'm spending the night with a beautiful girl...

That might be... a bit forward^^° Maybe "evening" would be less prone to misunderstandings?

Her entire body tensed a bit, and she looked up at me. Our eyes met. Slowly be both broke into smiles.
"Thank you" Her eyes stayed with mine.

Two lines that slipped into past tense... Actually a few lot more instances of past tense further down. I'm not going to point them all out. You'll probably be able to find them yourself.

As I make my was to the closet...

way.

I don't to ruin the entire day for you,

"don't want to..."
Apart from the tenses thing and the odd punctuation issue (especially in front of "and" and at the end of sentences) it's mostly just typos, so with a bit more proofreading you should be fine.

As for the story itself...

It follows a boy named Akako Ikuta

You do realize that Akako is a girl's name?

I like your writing style and the way you do your characters. The line about the death of the alarm clock didn't realy fit in with the rest of the story, though.
Also you set a tremendous pace compared with some other "routes." That's not neccessarily a bad thing - in fact it increases the chances that you'll actually finish this
Good luck with that. Looking forward to the next chapter.

P.S.: Viewcount is NOT a reliable indication to the number of readers. It will go up every time someone opens the thread, regardless of whether or not they even read the story. For example, Katawa Aneki or Hanako's story probably both got in excess of 200 views from me, because I always open the thread when someone has commented to mark it read, even though I don't follow the stories.

I'm liking it so far, pal!
I envisioned Natsume to be less awkward than you depict her but that being said I also depict her to be a secret lesbanum with Naomi however the idea of her being self conscious about her heterochromia gives decent explanation as to why, so I'm alright with this

Aside from the few typos covered by Mirage, I'd say you're coming along nicely! It's always nice to have a Natsume-based piece for once!
Keep up the good work!

Munchenhausen wrote:I'm liking it so far, pal!
I envisioned Natsume to be less awkward than you depict her but that being said I also depict her to be a secret lesbanum with Naomi however the idea of her being self conscious about her heterochromia gives decent explanation as to why, so I'm alright with this

Aside from the few typos covered by Mirage, I'd say you're coming along nicely! It's always nice to have a Natsume-based piece for once!
Keep up the good work!

It's not really secret

The first time I saw that picture, I just assumed that was Natsume and Naomi's initial reaction to Hisao.

Oddball wrote:The first time I saw that picture, I just assumed that was Natsume and Naomi's initial reaction to Hisao.

"God, he introduces himself and hopes we can all be friends?"

And Aura draws Naomi x Natsume art: http://shimmie.katawa-shoujo.com/post/list/nxn%20aura/1

Keeping in mind that Natsume is Aura's avatar.

And Naomi is Delta's avatar.

And I checked, most of the nxn tags (including the one on that image that Steinherz posted), and all of the ones on Aura's nxn pics, were set by Delta.

Nope, not gonna speculate.

bhtooefr wrote:Nope, not gonna speculate.

Ohh, no, we shan't speculate.

Won't stop me from fantasizing, mind you

The first time I saw that picture, I just assumed that was Natsume and Naomi's initial reaction to Hisao.

That was my assumption as well. Maybe because I assumed 3 lesbians in one rather small class were unusually high odds. I actually heard the term Romantic Friendship being dropped in connection with them.

First off, props to giving Natsume some focus, you don't often see anything pertaining to Natsume or Naomi without it being just a passing mention. I also like how you've written her and the OC's interactions in the few chapters you have out, though it leads into a pretty big flaw of the story so far. The pacing of the story is pretty wild right now, where there would be logical build up to these actions it seems you've gone into the meat of the story with reckless abandon and it leaves a lot to be desired, namely with the OC.

Even though you've already explained that we'd get back story to Akako as time goes on, you've given very little pretense to him interacting with Natsume in the first place or any reason we should root for him. His personality seems similar to Hisao's, if only more snarky, so there is also little reason to use an OC as apposed to Hisao in the first place; for worry of not capturing his character you've managed to make someone who could just as easily be mistaken for Hisao if you swapped the names. My other major issue is how we just seem to be seeing the interactions between Natsume and Akako, with a tiny bit of Naomi, if the character has been at Yamaku for some time wouldn't they have other social interactions like a club or circle of friends, maybe even his own personal Kenji?Add on to that how quickly things are moving and it almost seems as if the reader has missed out on a prequel of sorts to understand what's going on with Akako.

Please only take this as constructive criticism, I'd love to see this story grow. It's far too early to pass any judgement set in stone but i'm sure if you work out the kinks early on you can make it work. The writing is strong technically speaking( grammar-wise I would highly recommend reading your work out loud, lots of minor but noticeable mistakes) but the pacing is really jarring. Keep it up and know you've got another set of watchful eyes on your work!

Guest Poster wrote:

The first time I saw that picture, I just assumed that was Natsume and Naomi's initial reaction to Hisao.

That was my assumption as well. Maybe because I assumed 3 lesbians in one rather small class were unusually high odds. I actually heard the term Romantic Friendship being dropped in connection with them.

I believe Natsume and Naomi being lesbian lovers was because of a joke by the devs along the lines of "AuraXDelta OTP".

But yeah, three lesbians in one class seems like rather high odds... *looks at my High School class, had 5 in a 21 person class* Kind of....

Frankly, if you don't know what you want to write, just don't write and work out by yourself what you do want to write instead. Polling for outside opinion will only end in tears.

This would also be against forum rules, but amazingly for once I can say that it's not the real issue here.