Katawa Shoujo Forums

Welcome to my humble fan fiction.

I'll start by saying I personally dislike fan-fiction, having never been able to find pleasure in it myself. Why on Earth would I write one then? Well, I'm simply looking to practice; to build up the ten thousand hours of an expert and improve my skills. Writing is fun in and of its self and I just needed ideas for projects. While thinking, I came across the idea of a KS fan-fic. Disillusioned as I am by the standard 'alter the storyline or add a new character' type of fan-fic, I decided to throw it all away and do something ridiculous. So I did.

The result is a 27,000 word travesty of writing; a ludicrous look at the world of Katawa Shoujo. Inspired by Alice in Wonderland (obviously), it involves an alternate dimension; a world where everything is tipped on its head. The whole feel of the story is quite, how should I say, naive. I did this on purpose and as a means of trying to write in a non-dark way; to write something more playful. Saying this, I do believe there are some quality underlying themes in this story, and it still gets dark by the end.

This is not my magnum opus, just another bit of practice I thought there was no harm in sharing.

All nineteen chapters are now uploaded.

Chapter One: http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t ... 38#p186238
Chapter Two: http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t ... 47#p186247
Chapter Three: http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t=9208#p186258
Chapter Four: http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t ... 15#p186313
Chapter Five: http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t ... 54#p186354
Chapter Six: http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t ... 62#p186362
Chapter Seven: http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t ... 30#p186383
Chapter Eight: http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t ... 30#p186384
Chapter Nine: http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t ... 85#p186385
Chapter Ten: http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t ... 89#p186389
Chapter Eleven: http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t ... 99#p186399
Chapter Twelve: http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t ... 52#p186452
Chapter Thirteen: http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t ... 55#p186455
Chapter Fourteen: http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t ... 59#p186459
Chapter Fifteen: http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t ... 23#p186523
Chapter Sixteen: http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t ... 26#p186526
Chapter Seventeen: http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t ... 28#p186528
Chapter Eighteen: http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t ... 51#p186550
Chapter Nineteen: http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t ... 51#p186551

Bounding down the hallways, Emi ran with incredible speed, enjoying the sensation of the rushing air. There was something about running indoors that gave her a unique rush; a sense of adventure. Sure, the sports field was open and free, but dodging through the tight corners of Yamaku made her feel agile; as fast and nimble as a sailfish slicing through the depths. Reaching a particularly long stretch, she lined up and sprinted forwards, building to a dangerous speed. A wide smile lit up her face and her twin tails whipped in the wind, blurring her vision. Right as she reached full gallop, a door opened in the side of her view, and voices began to filter into the hall. Leaning back and kicking forwards in an attempt to slow down, she slipped and fell straight on her back with a loud bang.

“Emi, my god!” came a concerned voice.

“Oh, don’t mind me. Slipped is all” Emi said cheerfully, sorely rubbing her back. She looked up, right into the wide eyes of the Nurse. Perfect.

“For God’s sake, what have I told you about running in the hallways?” The concern was turning to chuckles. “You will hurt yourself one day, and I don’t want to be here for it”. Lending a helping hand, the Nurse pulled Emi to her feet. “Is your back alright? Here, come down to my office, see if I can’t –

“No really, I’m fine. Just a bump, no need for a hospital check” Emi said. She grinned. “Nothing a good run can’t fix.”

“You’re mental, you know that?” The Nurse shook his head. “Very well, but for the last time: DON’T RUN IN THE HALLS." He shook his finger menacingly at her, unable to stop the grin pulling at the sides of his mouth.

“Yes Sir” Emi replied curtly, snapping to attention and saluting. Watching to make sure the Nurse had left; Emi turned and started jogging on her way. After all, she wasn’t going to walk like some peasant, and all this falling had worked up quite the appetite.

…

Returning to her room, Emi changed out of her running gear and into attire more suitable for enjoying her day off. Rin was nowhere to be found – no doubt she had wandered off “seeking inspiration” – so Emi retrieved her lunch and made for the roof. As much as she enjoyed the company of others, Emi didn’t mind the occasional moment of solitude; a break from the pressure of life. Closing the door behind her, she clutched her trusty paper bag and set off, gazing at the all-too-familiar art lining the walls.

By the time she had reached the roof, her stomach was furious. Demanding instant gratification, it burst open the door and drove her to the nearest seat, tearing open the paper bag. Emi bit down ravenously, tearing into the food with the grace and table manners of a T-Rex. As she ate she watched the birds circle above. She had always envied them. Sure the view was great from the roof, but they were an audience to a show no human would ever see. Soaring high above the world, as free as the wind itself. She smiled. What it must be like to be free from restraint, so fly at speeds never before matched. Imagine the power. To blast through the atmosphere with such a force you shook the very foundations of the earth. Emi crumpled her paper bag and threw it, sending it on a wild trajectory. Rin had always said she was useless with her hands. But then, that was Rin. So, she could have meant anything. Or nothing. Or both.

Emi groaned and got to her feet, wandering over to place the paper in the bin. As she turned to go back, an interesting sight caught her eye. On the opposite side of the roof lay a small wooden door, nestled away under a triangle door frame. Emi had seen this door before, but had always pushed it to the back of her mind, busy with her current conversation. There was nothing so very remarkable about it, it was simply a door. But today her curiosity could not be tamed. She walked over to the strange door, kneeling down to take a better look. Surprisingly, when she tugged at the handle it proved to be unlocked. The door creaked open, revealing a canvas of pure darkness.

It was the smell that intrigued Emi. For unlike the average cupboard, this one did not smell musty and damp, but rather like pine trees and rosemary; an aroma quite pleasant to the nose. She could almost feel a breeze coming from inside the cupboard. Emi leaned forwards, trying to get a better grasp on the smell. Once again her weight went out from underneath her, sending her tumbling forwards.

In another moment down went Emi, never once considering how in the world she was to get out again.

Interesting concept. I'm a sucker for unique crossovers, so I'll definitely be following this.

Welcome to the greatest fan fiction on the Internet.

Stopped reading there.

Helbereth wrote:

Welcome to the greatest fan fiction on the Internet.

Stopped reading there.

This amuses me to no end. Especially seeing as I essentially label the work a 'disgrace to writing' only four lines down. I suppose it's for the best; if you don't understand humor, this isn't the story for you.

For the rest of us: Chapter Two

Emi’s eyes drew open slowly to the sight of tree tops far above her. Their branches swayed rhythmically with a strong breeze that blew over her body, filling her nostrils with the intoxicating scent of pine. As she sat up, a throbbing pain filled her head. Arghghgh. She laid back and waited for it to subside, all the while taking in the scene around her. Giant pine trees reached for the heavens, larger than any Emi had ever seen before. Fortunately, her landing had been cushioned by the plush ferns she could feel under her back. Sitting up, Emi positioned her legs underneath herself and used the knobby bark of a nearby tree to pull herself upright. Dusting herself off, she surveyed the crash site. A human shaped indent lay in the ferns, and right in front of it – dug into a small rise in the earth – a tiny door sat inside a triangular shaped frame. Emi dove forward. Placing her hands on the handle, she pulled with all her might, only the find the door was jammed shut. Well, there was no going back now.

A slight feeling of panic welled up in Emi, but – as was usual - this was quickly quenched by the coursing thrill of adventure. Now here was a story to tell. In all directions lay only open forest, lines of pine and the odd large bush, sprinkled here and there. Picking a rock up off the ground, Emi chose a direction and began walking; scratching a mark into every tree she passed in order to find her way back. Her feet dug into the soft ground, making for easy walking. Before long she was bouncing through the forest, enjoying the sweet-smelling scent.

Suddenly, her foot landed awkwardly, and with a loud twang a thick corded rope dragged her right leg from her, pulling it into the sky. Before she knew it she was back on the ground, her head throbbing once more. This time she wasn’t so lucky, a hard pine dug deeply into her back, making her arch in pain.

“Oi lads! We got one! Yahoo!” came a slovenly holler from behind a nearby bush. The caller emerged, a man boasting a dirty coat and torn sandals, his face and neck prickled with stubble. His face twisted with confusion at the sight of his catch. “Ang on, this ain’t no fox. The ‘ells this?”

He stalked over and prodded the hanging limb, his face that of an ape confronted with its first rubber toy. Emi groaned in pain, nursing her head.

“Oi boss, I got summink ‘ere. It sures’ell ain’t no fox.”

From behind the same bush came another man, this one dressed immaculately in a thick, royal-red coat, his hair slicked back under a large hat perched atop his head. His knee-high leather boots pressed into the soil as he stumbled out, tiredly rubbed his eyes. As they opened they fell immediately on Emi, and widened in shock.

“Fop, you fool! Of course this is not a fox. By the gods, look. It’s a girl!” He exclaimed, rushing over to Emi’s side. “And you my idiotic friend, have managed to tear her leg clean off”.

This had Fop by surprise. He looked at the leg, then at Emi, then at the leg. And then one more time at Emi.

“NOOOOOO! What ‘ave I done?” he wailed as he fell to his knees, throwing his hands to the sky. “Oh gods, take me now. Take me now-ah-ah-ah” Tears streamed down his face as he cried his lamentations.

The ‘boss’ took Emi’s head in his hands; a head still throbbing from the fall. “It is all going to be alright little girl, I will be here until the end. Go forth; meet your gods with open arms.”

“Argh.” As soon as she opened her mouth, the pain flooded back. “I’m fine, there’s nothing wrong” she muttered.

“Of course. Of course. Be at peace little one.”

Meanwhile the disheveled Fop had taken to hitting his head against the ground, still moaning in anguish.

“No really. Tell him to stop doing that. He’ll get hurt.” Emi whispered. In the background Fop continued to bellow. She realized there was no reasoning with them. Still being propped up by the Red Man, she leaned over and pressed the button on her remaining leg, unclipping the pin and sliding it off cleanly. She had no idea how this had happened to the other one, but it had. As she did this, the Red Man’s eyes widened with intrigue. Fop however, had a different reaction.

“Oh god no! She’s lost another” he wailed, doubling his pitch.

“Shut up you fool” said the Red Man, bringing silence to the grove once more. Emi waggled her stumps in the air.

“See, I’m not dead”. She smiled, trying to get through to them. “Perfectly fine."

“How intriguing” pondered the Red Man, stroking his nonexistent beard. Even Fop had been attracted to the apparently strange sight, as he stared apprehensively over the Red Man’s shoulder, seemingly unconvinced. The Red Man took the leg from Emi, still clad in a bright striped sock, and examined it closely. “This is truly incredible."

He stood and wandered off, tapping away at the prosthetic with various metal instruments he pulled from his large coat. He mumbled away to himself, Fop closely following as they wandered back to their bush.

“Um, excuse me?” Emi called haltingly. They continued nonetheless. “Excuse me? I can’t move.”

“Hmmm?” The Red Man turned and looked back. “Oh, of course. For heaven’s sake Fop, carry that poor girl to our camp. And retrieve the leg you stole you ludicrous fool.” He continued on his path, leaving a confused Fop in his wake.

“Uh, sir? There ain’t no way to get it down."

In one swift movement the Red Man drew and fired a long-barreled flintlock pistol, filling the air with a loud bang and smoky residue. The rope broke and the Red Man continued on his path, not once stopping his strange tinkering. Equally as much as he was engrossed in the limb, Emi was intrigued by his strange character and foreign, well-mannered accent.

Fop walked over to Emi haltingly, still not convinced of her wellbeing. She tried her best smile, still nursing a throbbing headache. It was ineffective. Stooping, he placed his hands under her shoulders and knees, causing Emi to have to hold on with her thighs. Emi blushed as he groaned loudly under her weight. He must be a very weak man she thought. Carrying her behind the bush, he revealed that in fact hidden behind it was a rather cozy red tent. He placed her inside and then left to retrieve her leg.

Once inside, Emi realized the tent was much larger on the inside than it seemed from the outside. In the center lay a large mahogany desk – which must have been quite an effort to carry – covered with tables, maps, blueprints and various writing and drawing implements. The rest of the tent was occupied by flasks and glass tubes filled with liquids of varying colors. They bubbled away, no doubt part of some scientific experimentation.

“This, this is quite amazing my dear friend” said the Red Man, engrossed by the prosthetic. His voice was distant, absorbed by his work. He had the leg laid out on the table, with the sock removed and various cutting implements ready to begin incision into the fiberglass.

“Hey, don’t do that!” Emi rarely got mad, but now seemed like as good a time as any. “What do you think you’re are doing? You have no right!” After all, if this went wrong, getting home would be the last of her worries.

The Red Man turned in shock. “Oh, it’s you. Yes, you’re quite right, I’m sorry. How rude of me to begin work on your personal possession.” He paused, seemingly shocked by his own actions. “I get caught up in my experiments sometimes. A scientist’s work never ends.” He said the last line like a mantra. “Tell me, who are you; you seem like a person with quite a story to tell.”

“My name is Emi Ibarazaki and I will not have you taking my things” she said, pouting.

Much to Emi’s frustration, the Red Man smiled. “Of course, I do dearly apologize. Here, retrieve your belongings.” At this moment Fop entered the tent with the other leg, handing it to the Red Man. Giving them both to Emi, the he watched as she reassembled herself.

When she was done the Red Man had settled back in his chair, Fop sitting on his armrest like a pet monkey. “Well then, regale us with your tale.”

Emi realized the strangeness of the situation, and the pressure on her at that moment. “Um, I don’t think there is much to tell. I was wandering around on a roof, and when I opened a cupboard, suddenly I was here." Listening to herself talk, Emi realized just how crazy she sounded. The Red Man didn't seem to agree.

“Amazing.” The Red Man said for what seemed like the hundredth time.

“So ‘ow come you ain’t go’ legs ‘en?”

Just as Emi began to open her mouth, the Red Man cut her off. “Never mind that, I think I may know someone who could help you with your trouble.” He nodded to himself matter-of-factly.

“What, my legs?” Emi asked.

The Red Man’s face twisted in uncharacteristic surprise. “What? Of course not dear.” He leaned closer to Emi. “Why, if anything you should help me.” He leaned back, pleased with his cryptic advice.

“’Ats a good one mate.” Fop grinned goofily.

“Shut up.” His tone became serious. “No, Emi Ibarazaki, I will take you to someone who may know about this world of yours.”

I have to say 27000 words is fairly low to be a greatest fan fiction, as I haven't placed anything in my top 5 that was less than at least 100k, I look forward to the full story being uploaded before I make my judgement, I have high expectations and don't think these 2 chapters are the full story, at least, one can hope. You set high expectations with your first post, I hope you live up to them.

TheGoatman wrote:I have to say 27000 words is fairly low to be a greatest fan fiction, as I haven't placed anything in my top 5 that was less than at least 100k, I look forward to the full story being uploaded before I make my judgement, I have high expectations and don't think these 2 chapters are the full story, at least, one can hope. You set high expectations with your first post, I hope you live up to them.

Good Jesus. Thank you for notifying me; I'll never make a joke on a forum again. Again, I call the fiction rubbish later on. The title is a joke, just there to capture attention. Apparently it worked.

It would be impossible to define the best fan fiction anyway - the sentence is frivolous. In fact, I'll remove it; the meaning is obviously lost in text.

Neverbloom wrote:

TheGoatman wrote:I have to say 27000 words is fairly low to be a greatest fan fiction, as I haven't placed anything in my top 5 that was less than at least 100k, I look forward to the full story being uploaded before I make my judgement, I have high expectations and don't think these 2 chapters are the full story, at least, one can hope. You set high expectations with your first post, I hope you live up to them.

Good Jesus. Thank you for notifying me; I'll never make a joke on a forum again. Again, I call the fiction rubbish later on. The title is a joke, just there to capture attention. Apparently it worked.

It would be impossible to define the best fan fiction anyway - the sentence is frivolous. In fact, I'll remove it; the meaning is obviously lost in text.

It catches attention but.. not exactly in a good way, it immediately causes one(me anyways) to either have very high, if not unreasonable expectations, or to take the story as a joke and not view it seriously. My personal preference towards "best fan fics" are walls of text that I can really get into, the frame for me to personally get into a story is in the realm of 5000-30000 words, some people manage it in even less than 5k but that's extremely rare, and if I'm not hooked after 30k I just drop it entirely. Currently the best fanfic I have read to date was a 2 part fanfic on F/S N that was in the real m of 200k-300k words, and while the writing itself was great, after looking into it I realized that an astronomical amount of work and research had went into that fanfic, and couldn't help but rate it as my #1.

Currently the only things from the KSF that have made it into my all time favorites are those long enough to be memorable(the shorts and one shots are extremely pleasant to read, however my memory doesn't have room for things that aren't imprinted in them long enough) this includes several of the finished and incomplete(and hopefully not abandoned) route works as well as several other stories, unfortunately most of my favorite works relating to KSF are abandoned or incomplete with no update in sight, most notably the Kagame Psuedo route, the works by BlackRockHanako, Sapphire, Lloyd Snow, and various others, perhaps it's better that they remain unfinished, to finish them is to say goodbye, and I hate goodbyes.

With that completely offtopic paragraph of rambling out of the way, my high expectations remain and I look forward to seeing what you come up with!

TheGoatman wrote:

Neverbloom wrote:

TheGoatman wrote:I have to say 27000 words is fairly low to be a greatest fan fiction, as I haven't placed anything in my top 5 that was less than at least 100k, I look forward to the full story being uploaded before I make my judgement, I have high expectations and don't think these 2 chapters are the full story, at least, one can hope. You set high expectations with your first post, I hope you live up to them.

With that completely offtopic paragraph of rambling out of the way, my high expectations remain and I look forward to seeing what you come up with!

Well cheers mate, the whole thing is done and being uploaded as fast as I can manage. Hope you like it.

“Can’t you can just tell me who he is?”

Emi had been following the Red Man and his companion for quite some time through the winding labyrinth of pine. Needless to say her legs were sore and tired; after all she had already been running that morning.

“Ah, be patient Emi Ibarazaki, we will arrive in due time” he said.

He consistently used her whole name, and Emi was beginning to wonder whether he thought that was her first name. Emiibarazaki. Just imagine the announcement. ‘Oh, what are you calling her?’ ‘We were thinking of Emiibarazaki’.

“Um” Emi began, suddenly realizing she did not know what to call him, “you can call me just Emi if you want."

The Red Man stopped in his tracks. “Justemi? Why do you have two names?”

“No, no” Emi flustered “Emi. My name is Emi.”

He stroked his chin. “Then why before did you say your- Is your name Emi Ibarazaki or not?”

This was harder than it should have been. After all, Emi had never had to explain what a name was before.

“It’s like, my name is Emi Ibarazaki, but you don’t have to say the second bit, just say Emi.”

This deepened his confusion. “Then why have it?”

This was getting frustrating. “I don’t know” Emi said indignantly. “We just do.”

“By ‘we’ you mean the people of your world?” the Red Man asked. “Well, we here have no such nonsense, you say what you mean and that is the end of it."

Emi realized he was insulting the whole human race with his passed-off comment. “Wha-? Ok then, what is your name? If my name is so stupid."

A wide grin spread across his face. “Why Emi, I have no name at all” he said with complete pride. And with that, he started back on the trail.

“But, that’s stupid! How do people address you? And what about your parents? They didn’t bother naming you?” Emi ran to catch up.

“Ah, my lovely parents, yes they thought they had a name for me, but I didn’t find it accurate. So, I got rid of it. You may call me what you like, whatever word it is that you believe best describes the little of me you can perceive.”

“So you just have no name?”

“Does it matter?”

Emi gave up; choosing instead to follow behind with her head drooped. It was too much effort, he was just being difficult. This whole time Fop had been skipping around them, bending to smell flowers and running off on his own mini-adventures. What a strange, strange pair these two were. How on earth they got on together, Emi had no idea.

“Tell me Emi.”

“Yeah?”

“Why do your wear clothes on your legs when they don’t need to stay warm?”

The question took Emi by surprise. She thought it was obvious. “Um, I don’t know? I just prefer to see that then metal?”

The Red Man pondered this answer, with a slight look of annoyance, before answering. “Do what you will.” The topic ended there, and Emi was glad.

They continued down the track until they burst out of the tree line, out into an open, luscious field. It was predominantly flat, but rising up on the opposite side to them was a large hill, covered in grass for the most part but sprinkled with rocky outcrops. Inside one of these rocky sections lay a clearly visible opening; a gash in the hills side. The Red Man pointed in its direction.

“That, dear Emi, is where you will find your answers. Hopefully”. He said the second line softer than the first.

Walking across the field took less time than Emi expected, and before long they were standing at the opening, peering into a dark cavern. The Red Man pulled a lantern from his pack and struck it alight. Emi watched in wonder.

“We aren’t actually going in there are we?” She asked.

“Why of course dear” The Red Man said, while Fop danced around him. “Let us embark at once.”

Pushing into the cave, Emi began to regret their decision at once. She was by all means fond of adventure; less so of dying in a cold, dark, black rock. She stooped low and took up the rear, following them to her inevitable destruction.

A large tremor shook the cave. Dust and small rocks fell from above.

“What was that? This isn’t-“

“Don’t be afraid dear, all is well” the Red Man shouted back happily.

A few steps later another tremor rocked the mountain, a boom accompanying it.

“No, alright lets-“

“Be calm Emi, nothing is wrong. I would never bring you to a place of danger knowingly.”

This last line calmed Emi’s nerves; for as strange a man he was, he was sincere. The Red Man said it quite seriously, and strangely enough, emotionally. But Emi didn’t have time to ponder the Red Man’s actions, for the tremors were becoming more and more frequent; progressively getting louder and louder. A few seconds later Emi felt the roof give way, allowing her to stand up straight. As she did she entered a huge cavern, deep in the heart of the mountain. The room was well lit, allowing all three companions to lay eyes on the origin of the tremors. Rising up out of the middle of the room was a large pillar of rock, and circling it was a strange humanoid creature with two growths protruding from its body. Every so often the creature would stop - seemingly calculating - and then would strike the rock with one of its hard limbs. The pillar would crack and fall away, causing a massive bang and a large tremor to travel through the mountain. Emi watched the creature in awe. But there was something about it that irked her. Her eyes opened wide in sudden realization.

“Rin?”

The creature turned to them. “Oh, hello Emi.” It replied, as casual as always.

…

“I don’t know really. I suppose they just appeared” said Rin absently, looking down at the two spurts of rock that served as her arms.

“But surely you must have seen them come, I mean, what are they?” Emi fumbled for words. There was too much to ask and Rin seemed far too unexcited.

“Well, whatever I want really”. Before Emi could even ask, Rin’s arms suddenly blurred. They shifted under Emi gaze and when she blinked, there stood her friend Rin with two jets of red flame bursting from her shoulders. Emi gaped in awe. The fire took on arm-like characteristics; molten forearms led to wispy fingers that danced in the dark.

“Well, we better let you guys settle in.” Emi had forgotten all about the Red Man and Fop until now. “Until we meet again!” Before she could stop them they disappeared back into the tunnel. She would be fine without them, hopefully. After all, she did have Rin now. Oh yeah, Rin. Flame-arm-rock-arm Rin.

Emi turned back to see Rin standing, wind milling her arms through the air, watching the embers break off an fall to the ground.

“I meant to ask you, how did you get here?”

Rin carried on spinning while she answered. “Same way you did.”

“The roof?” Emi asked.

“What? No, the cupboard in the art room.” Rin halted the fireworks. “You mean there is an opening on the roof? Where else are they?”

Emi shrugged. “I don’t know, I was just having lunch, I looked in a cupboard, and here I am.” This was the second time that day she had told her story and it wasn’t sounding any more realistic. “Anyway, we are missing a very key point; why do you have weird arms?”

Rin mocked offence. “Hey, you have weird arms; all fleshy and warm. Leave mine alone.” As she said this her arms shimmered once more and grew into scaled, reptilian claws. Basically the forelimbs of a lizard – if there were a lizard the size of a small horse.

“By the way, what were you doing with the rock?” Emi asked, trying to drag her eyes away from Rin’s huge talons.

“What did it look like? I was sculpting. Something really hard to do with your feet; turns out it is pretty easy when you have iron arms.” Rin said. “I haven’t tried painting yet.”

“You could just make your arms into two big paintbrushes.”

Rin laughed loudly. Emi rarely heard her laugh, especially not that passionately. It felt good.

“Yeah, I suppose I could.”

Emi sat in silence while Rin kept hammering away at her sculpture. It felt good to be around someone she knew; the pressure had been lifted from her shoulders. She could just sit and enjoy Rin’s company, and not have to think about how to get out. Oh yeah. She had to get out of here somehow.

“Hey Rin, I don’t suppose you know how to get out?” Emi asked.

Rin paused to line up a hit. “I’ve come here loads before; obviously I know how to get out” Rin said. Emi breathed a sigh of relief.

“Thing is, it’s not as easy as walking through a door.”

Emi’s stomach was struck with a sudden flock of butterflies.

“Don’t worry; it’s not some weird ritual. It’s sort of like; you can only go back when you need to. If you know what I mean.”

Emi didn’t, but she felt confident enough that Rin could help them get out, so the worry was quenched. Instead another question was on her mind; one that had been brewing ever since she realized the rock-armed creature was her friend. Rin continued to hammer away at her sculpture.

“Hey Rin-“

Crack. Another shower of rock descended from the pillar.

“-do you think that-“

Crack.

“-maybe I have a power?”

Rin stopped mid swing to scratch her head with one giant rock finger.

“You know, I thought about that. I suppose we'll have to see.” She took one hard swing at the pillar, dislodging a large amount of stone and stood back to admire her work. “There, isn’t it beautiful?”

Emi agreed halfheartedly, her mind still on the question. After-all, it still just looked like a pile of rock to her.

Well, first off, that intorduction is an excellent way to alienate an audience, and your follow-up responses don't do much to rehabilitate the impression. Just like you don't care to, I don't know, interact with the rest of us peons, most of us don't care to waste our time with an arrogant jerk who can't be bothered with trivialities like "feedback" and "common courtesy."

Welcome to our humble corner of the Internet, by the way.

Now, of course you probably feel that this isn't important to you because you're already done writing, we deal with the contentious subject of crossovers. Before you even consider writing one, you should ask yourself "What does this crossover add to the component parts?" and "Is this added factor significant enough to risk the narrowed audience inherent in crossovers?" Especially if you're looking to improve your writing, you should be in the habit of explaining to yourself why a proposed story is better written than unwritten. And the you that's being explained to should be extremely predisposed against the idea. If you can't even justify to yourself why you wrote something, why should other people care? ("To get better" isn't good enough - any writing can help you get better, as you yourself admit. It needs to have value inherent to itself.)

Not that I'm saying you haven't answered these questions; just that they need to be asked.

As Leaty has observed, good fan fiction is often harder than original fiction. With original characters, you can discover them as you write; for fan fiction, you often need to know the characters as good as - if not better than - the author himself. Which brings us to characterisation in the chapters you have so far:

“You’re mental, you know that?” is not something the Nurse would say.I understand that it's a common Britishism. However, the translation conventions of KS are such that the characters tend to use Americanisms.

"she wasn’t going to walk like some peasant" - I'm not sure WHO in the KS world would think soemthing like that, but it would most definitely not be Emi's thought.

"Demanding instant gratification, it burst open the door and drove her to the nearest seat, tearing open the paper bag. Emi bit down ravenously, tearing into the food with the grace and table manners of a T-Rex." - Using "tearing" so closely together is generally ill-advised. Also, the first sentence, while a fun illustration, kind of loses itself somewhere between the second and third actions.

In general, Emi's mannerisms don't strike me as Emi; they strike me as a double-amputee Alice. And not in the way they should.

"As she sat up, a throbbing pain filled her head. Arghghgh." - Read this in a generic narrator voice. Doesn't quite work, does it? Leave the grunts and groans to actual character vocalisations.

Things seem to get into a bit more of a pace once Emi meets Rin, but I'm still left wondering what this crossover ends up bringing to the table. Hopefully my concerns will be addressed in the alter chapters.

Overall, you look like you have some idea what you're doing. Don't be such a stranger, though. We're generally an accepting bunch, and more than willing to help you improve. But a little manners can go a long way.

Neverbloom wrote:Good Jesus. Thank you for notifying me; I'll never make a joke on a forum again. Again, I call the fiction rubbish later on. The title is a joke, just there to capture attention. Apparently it worked.

It would be impossible to define the best fan fiction anyway - the sentence is frivolous. In fact, I'll remove it; the meaning is obviously lost in text.

But that's not it. It quite clearly is a joke, which is why it is weird. It's a sort of condescending joke that only uses self depreciation to seem less haughty. Now, I personally don't have a problem with it, I just wanted you to feel what it reads like to potential followers of your fiction.

So, you don't like fanfiction, you insult your own work, you insult the works of others, and you say you might not ever come back or reply to comments.


Why should anyone even bother reading your story?