Shizune and Misha go shopping

[Sidewinder41]

“You guys sure you’ll be alright on your own?” Akira asks.

“Yup! ~” Misha exclaims, jumping a little to show her enthusiasm towards their little shopping trip.

“Alright, have fun” Akira swiftly grabs Hideaki‘s hand, turns around on her heel and heads off.

[Where do you want to go first?] Misha signs as she turns to Shizune.

[I believe it’s better for us to grab lunch before we start shopping.]

[Great idea Shicchan! ~]

The duo make their way over to the food court, along the way Shizune takes mental notes of the location of all the stores she wants to visit, but a closer look at the prices through the windows is enough to knock a few stores off her list.

Before long Shizune and Misha are at the food court eating their lunch. Shizune notices that Misha is too preoccupied with her “lunch parfait” to notice anything suspicious. She grabs Misha’s purse and shoves it behind a dustbin.

It doesn’t take a lot of effort to make Misha forget about the purse as they left the food court. Shizune explains to Misha that she needs help picking out a new top for a date with Hisao. Misha accepts the task a little too enthusiastically and before Shizune could think about protesting she’s trying on a velvet red strapless shirt in the dressing room.

[Ooh it looks so cute on you Shicchan~.]

[Are you sure it’s not too tight? It’s kind of hard to breathe.

[Umm I think you have to adjust it a little.]

Misha takes a step towards Shizune and places her hands on top of Shizune’s chest, slowly moving her hands downwards until she is cupping the soft breasts before her, softly fondling and squeezing, massaging the fabric to fit her friend’s curves into the tight shirt. Shizune lightly taps Misha’s shoulder to call her back to reality.

[See Shicchan? It’s perfect! ~] Misha signs as she releases her bottom lip from the grips of her teeth.

[You really think Hisao would like this?]

[Yeah... Hisao… I’m sure he’d go nuts if he saw you in that~]

[Okay let’s go pay for it.]

Only now does Misha realize that her purse, along with Shizune’s wallet and belongings, is missing.

[Shicchan I don’t think we’ll be able to buy anything today.] Misha’s guilt-ridden face makes the end of Shizune’s mouth curve upwards, knowing that her plan is now in effect. Shizune performs her best fake surprised expression.

[Misha, I really wanted that top.] Shizune signs while making her best puppy face. [I was looking forward to showing to off to Hisao.]

[I’m so sorry Shicchan.] Misha’s face shows that she believes she just committed a crime worthy of the death penalty.

[You know, we can still make it back to Yamaku with that top.]

Misha’s eyes shoot open in surprise [But… how will we pay for it?]

[Who said anything about paying?] Shizune gives a mischievous grin and grabs Misha by the collar of her t-shirt, stuffing the red shirt into her bra.

[There, no one will notice.]

Misha’s face is one of concern; she’s never seen this dangerously playful side of Shizune.

[Uhh… are you sure about this Shicchan?]

[Absolutely, just don’t look suspicious and we should be fine.]

Believing in her best friend’s judgment, Misha simply nods.

[Just stay behind me and don’t make eye contact with ANYONE.] The emphasis of the word anyone adds to Misha’s discomfort. Ignoring everyone is practically the opposite of what her personality would do.

[Okay.] Misha signs before closely following Shizune out of the store; to her surprise they were undetected.

[See? That was easy!]

[It wasn’t so bad.]

[Hey Misha… Can we please go to another store? I still have one more thing I need.]

Misha hesitantly agrees, and follows Shizune to a lingerie store.

[I just needed some sexy underwear for a special date with Hisao.] Shizune signs with a playful look in her eyes

Shizune grabs Misha’s hand and drags her around the store until she comes across a particular black lacy bra and panties she’d seen through the window earlier. Misha is then dragged to the changing room and watches as her best friend completely bears her entire chest in front of her. Shizune then wears the black bra before putting on the bra she was already wearing.

Misha’s mouth is the Niagara Falls of drool.

[Here, take these and put them in your shirt I can’t wear them right now]

“Uh huh. Okay. Sure thing.” Misha mutters to herself.

Misha’s eyes are frozen in place; she is desperately trying to burn the image of her bare-chested best friend into her memory.

[You all set? Okay let’s go. And remember, no eye contact.]

[Got it! ~]

The two slowly walk out of the store, only to be met with a security guard in front of the store entrance.

“Hey there ladies, how’s it going?”

Misha starts shaking uncontrollably, she can feel the sweat accumulating on her forehead, and time slows down. She now completely believes that they are going to get caught. Out of desperation she turns to Shizune who is apparently able to maintain her composure given the tense situation.

[Politely return his greeting and mention that we’re in a hurry and have to get going.]

A quick nod and Misha turns towards the guard standing before her, her eyes glued to the floor and her cheeks flushed, she opens her mouth but words don’t come out, instead she inhales sharply and freezes in place.

Shizune’s analytical eyes do the best they can to understand the situation. She begins to panic when she notices the security guards eyes resting on her best friend’s inflated chest. Whether out of perversion or suspicion she cannot tell, and acting on instinct she grabs Misha’s wrist and immediately takes off, her eyes frantically searching for a place to hide. Deciding that the staircase is a decent enough location to make their escape, she plows through the door and makes her way up half a plight of stairs before stopping to catch her breath and check up on Misha.

[I don’t think we were chased.]

[Shicchan maybe this wasn’t such a great idea.] Misha signs, having a hard time steadying her hand to make the correct signals.

[This is merely a setback; now come on, we still have to get back to the food court.]

[What? Why?] The thought of having to endure the possibility people finding out about their actions is enough to put a devastated look on Misha’s face.

[You’ll see soon enough.]

[What if someone sees us?]

[I thought you said you trust me.]

[I do, I do, I swear I do!]

[Then just follow me.]

Shizune starts moving towards the staircase door, Misha slowly treading behind her and holding on to her hand. The door slowly creaks opens and Shizune takes a peek to make sure the coast is clear and lightly tugs on Misha’s hand, meaning they were about to move again.

They make their way to the food court in a hurried pace, Shizune makes a beeline for the place they were sitting and produces Misha’s purse from behind the dustbin next to the table.

[Here you go.] Shizune casually signs.

Misha’s hands are frozen in the air, unable to think of anything to sign back out of sheer shock.

[Call Akira and tell her we’re ready to leave.]

Misha is still dumbfounded at the revelation that her best friend had planned this all along, so Shizune takes the phone out of her purse, dials in Akira’s number, and presses the phone against Misha’s face.

“Yo Misha, you guys done already?”

“Y-y-yes…”

“Alright we’ll meet up in the parking lot in 10 minutes.”

“O-o-okay.”

Misha puts the phone back in her purse and turns to Shizune

[You tricked me…] Misha signs; looking as if she was about to cry.

[Do you think any less of me for that?] Shizune signs, grimacing slightly.

[No….]

[Did we manage to get caught?]

[No….]

Misha lets out a long sigh and fixes her gaze at the floor as she thinks about what to make of the situation. Shizune suspects a slight look of disappointment in Misha’s face, and moves a little closer.

[Misha… Thank you for helping me, for staying by my side even though you were skeptical of my plans. You really are my best friend.]

Misha suddenly jumps at Shizune and embraces her in a long hug, trying her best to stifle any signs of crying. She feels obliged to change her demeanor back into the bubbly girl she is used to being; she doesn’t want Shizune to change her mental image about her. She then slowly lets go of her friend and takes a step back, trying her best to put on a smile.

[Feeling better?]

[Yup! Thanks Shicchan. ~]

Exhaling a sigh of relief, Shizune stands beside Misha and takes her hand, and the two quietly make their way to the parking lot.

[AntonSlavik020]

I don't think I like the idea of Shizune being a shoplifter. That actually caused me to root against them when the security guard approached them, and hoping they would get caught. Especially since she had the ability to pay all along, and just chose not to. I have zero sympathy for someone if they are caught in that scenario.

[ProfAllister]

1 - Not too big a fan of shoplifting as a subject matter for "just for fun" stories. It's not glamorous, and it's kind of a dick move. Have to agree that I was kind of hoping for them to get caught.

2 - Yeah, shoplifting is much easier than it should be. That being said, even if it is the case in real life, it stretches credibility that they managed to pull off such obvious techniques without a hitch. Walking out of a changing room is by far the most suspicious way to shoplift clothing - ESPECIALLY lingerie that was a big enough deal to be put on display. And that's not even touching on the fact that Mirage will be here before long to inform us that people don't shoplift in Japan because the punishment is castration.

3 - Shizune comes off as pretty heavily out of character (and Misha as pretty one-dimensional, but that's another matter). Yes, she does have a streak of playful disregard for the rules. And Lilly has a healthy adolescent sex drive. Not only is Shizune outright tormenting Misha here, Misha is being set up as the one who would get in trouble here (and do you really think "no harm, no foul" is good enough for Misha to be okay with this?). Shizune comes off as a domineering bitch who gets off on being in complete control (Which is NOT a correct interpretation of her character, despite what some people here would say).

4 - "Security guard says hello = RUN!" is a BAD idea. That would most certainly arouse suspicion. A more likely method of escape in case of Misha failure would be a technique that Shizune has likely learned - pretend that they're both deaf. She had already signed to Misha, and Misha's actions didn't necessarily indicate that she heard/understood the guard. A couple deafies signing and trying to pantomime basic communication signals can easily intimidate most service professionals. And, if the guard knew sign language, Shizune could take the lead.

5 - Omniscient point of view is very hard to do well. In this case, it comes off more as unable to decide which point of view you want. I would recommend you try to stick to one person's point of view at any given time, with marked breaks when you jump between POVs.

6 - Standard need for more thorough proofreading. Offhand, I noticed "plight of stairs" when it should have been "flight of stairs."

7 - Misha's tildes are all wrong. It's not exact, but there's a science to that sort of thing. At the very minimum, it comes before punctuation, not after the punctuation and another space to boot. Also, it's unclear, with a leaning toward "no," on whether she'd tilde in her signing. Ostensibly, the tildes represent a slight lilt, hence why other characters tilde from time to time.

8 - I'd mention that Misha's purse could very likely be stolen being stashed behind a trash can like that, but this is Japan, so there's the whole castration thing...

[Sidewinder41]

I understand that shoplifting is an unpopular topic, and I'm not a supporter of the idea to begin with, but I was looking for practice to improve my writing style and an anon on /ksg/ requested the story so I did it. I am unsatisfied with the end product and would very much appreciate all the criticism I can get so I can learn from my mistakes.

[Helbereth]

You need a few things; namely a thesaurus to expand your vocabulary, a few thousand hours spent reading from established authors (I don't mean fan fiction, either), and, if you intend to write fan fiction, a better understanding of the characters involved.

Good:
- No glaring spelling errors. This could easily be the result of a spell checking program, though, so don't get excited.
- Presence of Akira.
- If handled better, it's not a completely bad idea for a one-shot.
- Boobs.

Bad:
- No introduction is provided, even after the opening dialogue--starting in the midst of a scene is usually accompanied by a corollary bit of exposition to explain how things got to where they are.
- It's almost all dialogue, most of which is lifeless, lacks distinctive voices, and half the time it's difficult to discern who is speaking.
- What little exposition there is lacks style. Weaving a tale is as much about the wording and subtext as getting the immediate point across.
- Shizune shoplifting is ridiculously OOC.
- Misha being portrayed as a drooling moron is also OOC.
- Inconsistent tenses.
- Unlikely situation.
- Unlikely conclusion.

Need I go on?

[Numb]

Good:
- No glaring spelling errors. This could easily be the result of a spell checking program, though, so don't get excited.
- Presence of Akira.
- If handled better, it's not a completely bad idea for a one-shot.
- Boobs.

This is one of the reasons I like you

Anyway, on to the critiques! If you aren't happy with the end product then don't post it, instead spend more time working on it until you decide it isn't working out or you end up liking your own work. I'd also stick to writing characters you actually like and only using your own ideas; taking requests makes for some bad writing a lot of the time due to simply not caring about the story. Going by what you have here, I'd imagine you don't like Shizune much, though that could easily be misinterpretation on my part, so I'd recommend writing one-shots on characters you enjoy reading about and actually know well enough to convey. Almost everyone here can write a decent Emi, as almost everyone here really likes her so they spent the time getting to know her properly.

I'm not going to try pointing out any errors, mainly because I don't like pointing out flaws in people's work, but I'll offer one last bit of advice. Read this, if you haven't already. It has advice from a lot of the best writers on the forum, which I would highly recommend you follow. Nobody is a bad writer, it just takes time, so don't give up just because you produce a few bad stories. Good luck with your future endeavours

[Mirage_GSM]

And that's not even touching on the fact that Mirage will be here before long to inform us...

I'm afraid I don't have much to add to what you, Helbereth and the others already said.

[Oddball]

This actually reminds me of a very old thread.

A long long time ago, before the plot lines where even settled (I think Shizune might have even still be Rosa at the time) one of the proposed storylines for Shizune's route did revolve around shoplifting.

Except in the idea they put forward, they actually were caught and Misha took the blame because getting caught would have been too embarrassing for Shizune and her family. ... or something like that. Anyway, that was what drove the drama in that idea. Here... it's just lacking something. There just doesn't seem to be any reason for them to do what they do.