The Morning After

[Sidewinder41]

I wake up one morning with my senses being brutally assaulted; the sound of running water is so unusual it’s almost unsettling. The refreshing scent of mint toothpaste lingering in the air beckons my sense of smell to come to life. I get up and rub my eyes to see the blurry sight of Hanako leaving the bathroom. Having just brushed her teeth and washed her face, she has her hair tied up and is in only her underwear.

“Good morning!”

She says with a beaming smile which proves to be quite infectious.

“Good morning, beautiful”

It’s almost comical how the mere mention of the word beautiful still manages to make her start blushing heavily, turn to her side, and start fidgeting with her hands. I find it so irresistibly cute that it brings about a warm feeling in my chest.

A year has passed since we've graduated from Yamaku; a year of being blessed with seeing her gorgeous face every time I woke up. We both ended up applying to the same college in the town near Yamaku, the setting was so relaxed in this part of Japan we decided to rent a studio here. At first Hanako was hesitant to the idea of moving in together but as we grew closer she became more and more comfortable with it.

I lazily groan as I make my way from my bed to the bathroom. A quick look at the mirror and the first thing I notice is how messed up my hair is. After numerous attempts at fixing it I end up grimacing and rustling it around a bit after giving up. As I start to brush my teeth I hear Hanako call out to me.

“Hey Hisao, how about we go out for breakfast?”

“Sure thing, what did you have in mind?”

“How about the Shanghai? We still have enough time to grab a cup of tea and a couple of sandwiches and make it back in time for class”

“Sounds good to me.”

I take a look back at the mirror, this time at my chin. I remember that Hanako saying something about my stubble tickling her face after we kissed last night. After closer inspection I see that it’s grown a fair bit longer than I’d usually let it. I reach for my razor and can of shaving cream and start to shake the can before noticing Hanako standing at the entrance of the bathroom.

“I-I just w-wanted to watch.”

She slowly starts to back away with a guilty expression as though she’s done something wrong, but before she can get away I halt her retreat.

“You know, I could use a hand here.”

Hanako looks at me with surprised eyes before gingerly taking the can of shaving cream out of my outstretched hand. I pull the bath stool over and take a seat, Hanako gets down on her knees and faces me; a look of uncertainty plastered on her face. Squeezing on the cap of the can, she lets out a little shaving cream onto her free hand. Slowly she starts to shuffle her body closer to mine, her hands up to my cheeks and gently starts to move her hands. Her movements slow and tender, the sensation is so different from when I do it, it’s almost soothing. After noticing that I've been staring at her this whole time she pecks the tip of my nose with her index finger, leaving a spot of shaving cream.

“Hey!”

I wipe my own index finger along my jawline, gathering a bit of shaving cream before wiping it on her nose.

“Hey!”

She pouts and sticks her tongue out at me

“You’re a meanie.”

“You started it!”

She lets out a small giggle and simply shrugs, before tending to the damages I had made to the otherwise perfect job she’s done. After she’s satisfied with her work she retracts her hands from my face, reaches over to the sink to grabs the razor; her hands trembling from the moment she picks it up.

“Y-you know, m-maybe this isn't such a good idea. What if I h-hurt you?”

I give her a reassuring smile and take her empty hand in mine.

“Don’t worry, you can do this.”

Upon hearing those words she takes a deep breath to calm her nerves before placing the razor on my cheek and slowly gliding it downwards, and repeating the process in equally delicate and disciplined strokes. After a short while I notice that she’s concentrating so hard she doesn't notice her tongue sticking out of her mouth. I fail to stifle a chuckle at the sight.

“S-stay still.”

Her tone is slightly less playful than before.

“Yes ma’am.”

A few strokes later she freezes in place to assess her handy work. She takes a step back, grabs a towel, and wipes off any excess shaving cream.

“All done.”

I look in the mirror to admire her work, she definitely won’t be setting any world speed records but she’s done an impressive job without cutting me.

“You are all sorts of amazing you know that?

She gives an earnest smile and moves in to gives me a quick kiss.

“Not so tickly anymore, are we?”

[BlackWaltzTheThird]

First of all, welcome to the forums! I'll try to focus more on the larger issues than nitpicking at this time. My most immediate piece of advice is to double space your lines. That way, you get a clear separation between paragraphs.

Next, you seem to be missing a lot of punctuation; in particular, at the end of dialogue and certain paragraphs. For instance,

“Good morning”
“Good morning beautiful”

Should be something more like

“Good morning!”
“Good morning, beautiful.”

To add to that, much of your dialogue appears quite spartan; you might like to spice it up by using some speech tags (e.g. "blah," he said.) in creative ways, or include sentences describing how they speak; that is, not just the way their voice sounds or its inflection, but what actions they might undertake while speaking (e.g. "blah," he said dismissively, not even pausing to look up from his task.).

With your prose, you seem to be more or less on the right track. I'd suggest you try to avoid starting consecutive sentences with the same word. Also, always ensure that you maintain a consistent tense throughout your story. It's worth noting here that tense isn't as simple as past/present/future.

As for the story itself, it's cute. It shows the bond between Hanako and Hisao in an intimate - but not intimate - way. The suggestion to get breakfast does seem like a bad line to end on, in that it implies the story should continue. If perhaps there was an introspective, closing comment from Hisao about either the shaving or the upcoming breakfast, it might add a sense of finality that the story currently lacks.

You've made a good start; just gotta work on a few things. With that in mind, good luck with any further writing endeavours.

[bhtooefr]

More fluff than a cotton candy factory.

[Sidewinder41]

Thanks for the criticism BlackWaltztheThird

I guess I should explain that The lack of punctuation was purely out of laziness, but I see how negatively it impacted the text. I also felt that I was using the same word to start consecutive sentences while I was writing but I didn't pay it much heed. The end was what I felt to be my weakpoint but I went with it since I couldn't come up with anything better.

That being said I didn't expect my dialogue to be as bland as you pointed out but I understand what you meant and will promptly get to work on that.

[Leaty]

I guess I should explain that The lack of punctuation was purely out of laziness, but I see how negatively it impacted the text.

If you are lazy, your readers will be lazy as well.

Don't be lazy.

[Oddball]

In addition to the other suggestions, one thing that always throws me out of the stories is when author's have their characters refer to "Hanako" as "Hana."

Nobody calls Hanako that. She doesn't have a nickname; she's just Hanako.

[Steinherz]

In addition to the other suggestions, one thing that always throws me out of the stories is when author's have their characters refer to "Hanako" as "Hana."

Nobody calls Hanako that. She doesn't have a nickname; she's just Hanako.

Nobody is seen in the VN to call her that. It isn't too outlandish for someone to call her that.

[Sidewinder41]

Okay I've taken the advise I've been given into consideration and attempted to repair the damages.
I have edited the original post with a "fixed" version and I would appreciate feedback to know what are my other weak spots and get to work on them.

[Sea]

I feel privliged reading the edited version, although there's not too much that could have gone wrong as i see it, awesome fic with more fluff than a cotton candy convention (Hah! beat that metaphor) I'd say keep writing, you'll only get better.

[pandaphil]

Nicely done. Are you planning any more?

Actually it reminds me of one of my stories, which I tend to refer to as "cuddle porn".

I'm curious as to the setting. It sounds like they're still at Yamaku, yet Hanako's behavior, i.e walking around in her undies, being quite outgoing and happy would indicate that they've been together for a good while. Also, did Hanako sneak into his dorm room the night before (an idea I find rather appealing)? I think perhaps some background info would flesh the story out a bit more.

[Mirage_GSM]

Hmm, if they are still at Yamaku, I think it would be strange that Hanako would go to the bathroom in only her underwear. She has to cross the corridor to get there... But you wouldn't be the first to assume that each room has a bathroom attached. It even happened to Suriko ^_^

Apart from that I don't think you have to stuff too much explanation into a short like this one. It's supposed to show only an excerpt of their lives, and it's okay to let the readers' imaginations fill in the rest.

[pandaphil]

Its just my writing style I guess. I like to have some context to my scenes. Even simple ones like this. Hmmm, perhaps this takes place in the future and Hisao is a teacher...

One interesting point that was brought up earlier is pet names. You don't see them used in KS. Or many of the fanfics. No "Dear", "Honey", Darling", "Love" or anything like that.

Its been awhile, but I could swear I remember reading in Lilly's arc about Lilly taking a shower when she spent the night in Hisao's room. And even doing some cooking. And being somewhat confused afterwards.

[Mirage_GSM]

That error got caught in the beta and didn't make it into the release version. If you remember reading about it, one of the devs probably mentioned it in the Ask-thread or something. Either that or you remember a fanfic.

The reason for the lack of pet names might be that in Japanese "Anata" (you) is often considered a pet name by itself in the right context.

[Numb]

Maybe it's just because I don't have any experience with shy girls, but Hanako seems a little out of character here. Walking around with her scars on show, even when alone, doesn't strike me as something she would do, but there's always the difference in character interpretation to prove me wrong.

Welcome to the forums, by the way. Hopefully we get to see more of your work in the near future. Just don't get ahead of yourself. We've seen a few people attempt routes without any plans recently, and rarely do they make it past the first few chapters. Just some friendly advice, I know I made that mistake!

[pandaphil]

Maybe it's just because I don't have any experience with shy girls, but Hanako seems a little out of character here. Walking around with her scars on show, even when alone, doesn't strike me as something she would do, but there's always the difference in character interpretation to prove me wrong.

Yes, thats always a tough one. Its why I just assumed this story takes place months, if not a year or more in the future. By then Hanako would be comfortable with her body around Hisao. Because she knows he accepts her. But it would be a slow process.

Welcome to the forums, by the way. Hopefully we get to see more of your work in the near future. Just don't get ahead of yourself. We've seen a few people attempt routes without any plans recently, and rarely do they make it past the first few chapters. Just some friendly advice, I know I made that mistake!

Indeed. I hope you'll stay with us Sidewinder, and keep writing. We only nitpick because we care.
Same here. I know I've been struggling with my fic, but I'm determined to finish it. Should have the penultimate chapter up next week as a matter of fact.