“You’re not leaving here until I clear you safe for travel, Nakai,” he says, his voice stern.
“I need to talk to sensei,” Chisato repeats. “I’m sorry Hisao, but...I think I’m going to spend the rest of the day with Mitsuru.”
I give her a tight hug, and I feel a slight sense of relief when it’s reciprocated to me just as strongly. “I understand. Call me, okay?”
“I will. You’re a good friend, Hisao. I’m just sorry about all of this.”
So am I.
----------
Nurse is nothing if not efficient. Even though it’s been a while since I’ve had to see him for more than a routine checkup, he’s still just as quick with the more thorough examination he insists on giving me.
“I’ll cut right to the chase, Nakai,” he says, touching the stethoscope to me in a dozen different places. “Do you think this episode was triggered by anything
other than the stress from last night and this morning?”
Yep,
damned efficient. I shake my head.
“A lot of people don’t realize that emotional stress can work the body over just as bad as pushing too hard physically...especially with heart conditions. After last night, it’s unfortunate but not too surprising you had that reaction today. Take one more deep breath for me.”
I comply. “If that’s the case, will I still be able to take the train today?”
I’m not sure why I ask it. Maybe it’s the hope that I’ll be able to stay here another day or two.
“Technically yes. You thought quick to get it under control, which can be a lot more difficult to do when the trigger is emotional stress. You handled it well, but under normal circumstances I’d recommend spending a full day to rest to see if this was an anomaly or some sort of new symptom.”
“I don’t think I can,” I say. “I have an appointment with Dr. Toshinori tomorrow. We’re supposed to go over some results.”
“Ah, so that’s tomorrow?” he says, rubbing his chin. “This is when you were going to discuss a pacemaker as an option with your doctor, right?”
It doesn’t matter how many times it happens, I’m still impressed whenever he demonstrates how much he actually knows about what’s going on in the lives of his charges. “How did you know?”
“Well, I’ve been communicating with your doctor weekly since you started coming here, so it’s a bit hard to be completely cut out of the loop on what’s going on,” he smiles. “You can put your shirt back on now.”
I quickly do just that. “You say that like you know this isn’t exactly a normal situation. What do you recommend, then?”
“Keep the appointment since you already have it. There’s no
good time to have a flutter, but the day before you have a scheduled visit with your doctor is probably one of the better ones.”
I nod. “I just wish I wasn’t leaving like
this,” I say, taking a deep breath and allowing myself to feel some of the emotions that have been building up this morning.
Nurse sits down in his chair, dropping my file on the table in front of him. “It’s rough, Nakai. I really don’t have much advice I can give except take it easy. I don’t just mean physically, but...make sure you take the time to think about what you want to say. Don’t say something in the heat of the moment that you can’t take back.”
“I’m going to be gone for two weeks, but what’s the point of coming back up before graduation with everyone gone? Chisato’s leaving tomorrow and won’t be back until then, Noriko left last night, and now Saki might not be back at all,” I lament, finally allowing myself to feel some of the full impact of what’s happened in the last twelve hours.
My vision starts to blur, and when I blink it away, I feel a tear making its way down my cheek.
“I said earlier, I really doubt that the administration would go so far as to kick her out. I won’t lie though, it might be another story if Saki had hit him on the
other side of his head,” Nurse says somberly.
“I don’t know what to do,” I admit shakily, pinching the bridge of my nose, causing more tears to come out. I just want someone to give me some assurance, or at the very least some direction I can go in. I trust Nurse and I believe him, but I can’t get that idea out of my head and I know it shows.
Nurse looks guilty for a second before he takes in a deep breath. “I know you said you weren’t sure about coming back, but...you should keep your options open. That’s all I can really say.”
“What do you mean?”
“Exactly what I said. Don’t move everything out of your dorm unless you’re sure you’re not coming back. But whatever you end up doing, you really should be on that train this afternoon.”
I nod, even if I don’t completely understand what he’s saying. I have an idea, but it’s something to unpack for later when I actually have a chance to calm down and think about all of this. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself right now.
I cough, suddenly remembering something. “I...have a favor to ask.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s uh, not exactly something in the student handbook.”
He leans back further. “Now you’ve got me intrigued.”
I press forward. “I don’t want Saki to get in trouble, but if something happens and she’s sent home...she has a fish tank in her room.”
“Ah, is that all?” Nurse says. “I understand. Don’t worry, if it comes down to it I’ll make sure it’s taken care of.”
“I kind of thought you’d take that differently.”
“It’s not a three hundred liter tank with a shark in it or anything, right?”
I shake my head. “No, just a small one on top of the dresser.”
He smiles. “Thanks for telling me about it. Now you should really get moving if you plan to get to the train station on time.”
I hop off the exam table and put my blazer back on. “I’ll see you when I get back.”
“I’m sure you will, whenever that ends up being. Good luck with your appointment tomorrow. And hang in there, Nakai.”
--------------
I’m lucky that I have a task to focus on, even if that task is mundane as folding clothes to throw in my duffel along with a handful of the medication bottles on my desk. I have about half an hour left before I have to leave, and I’m trying to fill it anyway I can for obvious reasons.
I’m also glancing at my phone every thirty seconds, willing it to ring. I didn’t know what else I could do but to send a text to Saki when I was leaving the Nurse’s office. All I could manage to type out and send was a plaintive request that she call me when she could.
I can’t stop my mind racing with the uncertainty of how everything could proceed, imagining a hundred different scenarios from simple wishful thinking to things I might not have any control over. There’s a fine line between trying to prepare yourself and being unhealthy, and I never quite learned where it was with any type of consistent accuracy.
I’m packing my last few pairs of socks when there’s a knock at my door, making me jump. As crazy as it sounds and fills me with both hope and fear, I swear I recognize who it is on the other side of the door...and when I open it, there she is.
Saki hesitates for two seconds before she launches herself at me, dropping her cane and wrapping her arms around me in a desperate embrace. I can already feel her burying her face into my shoulder, not caring one bit about how she looks or how she sounds. When I hear her start to cry, it resonates with something I’ve been trying to hold back but no longer can...and my eyes tear up.
We stay like that for a few moments, halfway in my room and halfway in the hall. Saki finally pushes gently on my chest, and I loosen my grip on her so we can look at each other.
“Well,” she says, giving a sad smile. “I’m not getting expelled…”
I feel my knees go weak and I let out a breath I didn’t realize I had been holding for what feels like hours. The sense of relief that cascades into me knowing that the worst case scenario won’t happen is exhausting. Anything else I can find a way to deal with.
“That’s good news right? So you’ll be able to stay?”
Saki looks away from me, unable to look me in the eyes...and I’m right back to dreading what she’s about to say.
“I can’t,” she says, her voice cracking. “My father wants me to come home.”
“But...
why? If you’re not getting expelled, why is he pulling you?”
She sniffles. “This is the second time I’ve gotten into trouble for fighting with Maeda. He doesn’t want there to be a third.”
“That’s
bullshit. He doesn’t think you’re seriously going to fight again when there’s only three months left?”
“It doesn’t matter, Hisao!” she shouts, then wilts. “I don’t have a choice. He bought a plane ticket for me. I’m flying back with him tonight.”
I’m shaking my head, refusing to believe this. “But what about all your stuff? And the year end recital?” I ask, suddenly terrified of the answer.
“Sensei told him that I had worked very hard on it and that it would be a shame if I couldn’t play.”
“What did he say?”
“Sensei convinced him,” she says, crying anew. “He’s going to let me come back the week before graduation.”
I hug her again tightly in relief, and her grip becomes fierce as she sobs into my chest. Tears well up in my eyes. She’ll be back. She’ll walk with the rest of us in March. This
isn’t the last time we’re going to get to see each other. I thank whatever deity exists for giving me that gift.
But if she’s leaving today, then what about-
“-the recording?”
Saki’s hands ball into fists when I say that, gripping my shirt tight in frustration.
“What recording, Hisao? It’s not going to happen now. I’m being forced to leave and Chisato thinks I’m a horrible person…”
I try to think of anything that I can that might be a solution to or comfort from this situation. “Can Takamura reschedule? Something like that?”
“What's the point if Chisato won’t be here? She wouldn’t talk to me even if she was. Mrs. Sakamoto can’t do anything for me if I have nothing to show her! And Chisato was going to use this for musical school and now she can’t because of me fucking up again and being useless-”
“Saki,
stop. We’ll get through this,” I say, with as much misplaced confidence I can try and muster...but there’s a strong conviction that comes with the knowledge we
will.
She actually listens to me and looks up at me, shocked to see how upset I am, as if she keeps forgetting then remembering everything that’s going on around her. She’s that far out of it.
“Is there still a ‘we’, Hisao?” she asks weakly, in a voice that only makes me more upset.
I swallow hard. “There is, if you still want there to be.”
Saki pulls back and looks hard into my eyes, and I don’t look away despite how hard my heart is pounding at this moment. Whatever the answer is, I can live with it...but I
need one. The seconds are agonizing as I wait for a response from her.
“I do,” she replies, “but...I don’t see how…”
“One day at a time, right?”
Saki hesitates for a few agonizing seconds, then pulls my head down and kisses me hard. There’s no lust in it at all, but a rash desire to gain some sort of control again, or find some sort of comfort, or just be able to find something solid and grounding.
A desperate need to feel that you’re alive; you exist, and you want someone else to acknowledge that.
When the kiss finally ends, I try to smile. “We’ll figure something out, I promise. Your dad just doesn’t want you to be here at Yamaku, right? Maybe you can come and visit me again. My parents loved having you.”
“I think I’d like that,” Saki sniffles, reaching up with a free hand to brush the hair out of her eyes, and when she does, I see the face of the watch on her left wrist...and what time it is. I want nothing more than to just stay here with her...but right now, that’s not possible, and we both know it.
I take a deep breath, giving her one last hug before grabbing my bag and looping the strap around my shoulder. “I’ll text you when I get home tonight. Promise me you’ll do the same thing when you get to Osaka.”
Saki nods. “I will.”
I don’t know how, but between the two of us, we’ll be able to figure something out.
I
almost manage to convince myself of that during the train ride home.
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