Katawa Shoujo Forums

Hey I haven't done anything like this before so any constructive criticism and help would be very much appreciated.
This is a HisaoxMolly route Umm Yeah http://shimmie.katawa-shoujo.com/image/1827.jpg Soooo Yeah Here goes.....

• Oneshots:
• Molly POV

• Act 1
• Chapter 1

Teaser.

Thump, Thump, Thump

THUMP, THUMP THUMP THUMP, THUMP

“Are you all right?”

The concern in her voice is hurtfully obvious, we’ve only spoken once or twice since I came to Yamaku , and this isn’t how I want to be seen by my class mates.

THUMP THUMP THUMP

“H-hey! Should I get a nurse?!”

Thump thump, thump,

“N-no please don’t,” What I hoped to say in a tough voice came out in a pubescent crackle, embarrassing me further than I thought possible.

I release the death grip on my chest as the pain slowly surpasses, my eye lids cracking at the harsh sun setting over me. Standing above me is Molly Kapur. Her eyes are wide with concern and... Fear?

“A-are you sure your okay?” Her accent is, Unique.

“I’m fine seriously, just...Uh...” My voice is carried off by the spring breeze, past the trees and into the sunset.

Molly’s braided brown hair sways gently in the wind before falling limply on her shoulders, she closes her eyes for a moment breathing in deeply puffing out her chest, which happens to uh, accentuate her uh features.

After what seems like an eternity, she exhales and opens her eyes. A tiny smile pulling at the corners of her mouth, I immediately feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders as she lowers herself to sit next to me.

“Its Hisao right?” Her voice is calming and soft.

“Yeah, I’m sorry if I scared you, I just...” Again my voice is carried away, not wanting to discuss the reasons I’m in a school for the disabled.

Unfortunately for Molly she can’t quite hide the reason she’s at Yamaku as easily as me, with her metal legs clinking softly as she crosses them, her hands laying in her lap.

I lay my back against the grass, Molly following suit. The orange tinted sunlight braking through the leaves and dancing on her face and crystal eyes. She looks amazing.

“How are you finding things here? At first things can be...a bit....Daunting. “Her voice strains like she’s speaking from past experience...

“I-I guess things have just been hectic is all,” Again my voice cracks and my nerves show through.

“Maybe you should see the nurse? You looked like you were in a lot of pain, you shouldn’t just brush it off. “ The concern is seeping back into her voice, and I know that it is genuine.

I offer her a hand, which she accepts pulling herself up, the clinking of her legs drowned out by the noises of the evening.

My heart beats erratically in my chest, but something about walking with a cute girl in tow, just happens to take my mind of the pain.

Well... a few gripes:
-How does Hisao know Molly is Indian? I mean she's only slightly darker than Miki who's described as tanned.
-Hisao seems to have realized a crush on her pretty quickly. Slow it down friend, it's better to take things like that slow so they're believable.

Other than that, it's good so far.

Feurox wrote:The concern in her voice is painfully obvious (Rather than hurtfully)
“N-no please don’t.” (Period in place of previous comma)

Other than those minor errors, this is fairly decent. I would probably increase the size of these posts in future though, it was a very short read. I really hope you know where this is going, I don't want to see another one of the "forget it" threads that SC's sticky referred to. Good luck on your journey, it's certainly a tough one to write a route

Short, there was supposed to be more for a first chapter. Seems ok. Would read more.

Now, what about this guy who takes Lelouch's place in the final game?

Ah

Feurox wrote:Also Thanks to Numb, Your start on the miki route is actually what gave me the idea to give it a shot

I... I inspired somebody? So happy *sniff*
Honestly though, balancing schoolwork and writing isn't the best idea. I barely manage it myself, but give it time and you will fall into a good balance

WHAT

Like Numb said, this was a bit too short to say much about it yet, but one thing you should include even in short chapters like this is the scenery.
Here, the reader has no idea where the scene takes place. We only know there's the sun overhead and there are trees somewhere nearby. Could be the garden, could be the roof or even the park down in the town.
We also don't know when the story takes place. Hisao's first week, before the festival? Or is the festival already over?
Sometimes it makes sense to hide stuff like that from the reader for dramatic purposes, but if you're not planning to pull a surprise here (something like "It's ten years later and this is a reunion") you should give your readers the clues they need to imagine the scene in their heads.
We also don't know what happened to give Hisao his heart problem in the first place. It seems like he was just sitting there. If it came out of nowhere, I think he would be more concerned and it should probably show in his thoughts.
Looking forward to see this continue.

-How does Hisao know Molly is Indian? I mean she's only slightly darker than Miki who's described as tanned.

The fact that he can remember her name at all is actually rather surprising.

Feurox wrote:Now wouldn't it just be dandy, if that was Lelouch, but he secretly murders people and wears their faces to class, but because no body pays him any attention he gets away with it....

What is wrong with me...

Maybe his disability is that he's a shape shifter! Or he is a SUPER schizophrenic that when he changes personality he changes physical form....

Like a rubbish transformer....

Who made all this anyway? I've read a lot of fanfics here, and some are very consistent with the others. Naomi has epilepsy, Suzu has narcolepsy.. Now why did you choose the effing Lelouch vi Britannia to have aphasia? You should choose something more badass, or something that relates to the anime

Pretty much what others have said, that it moves a bit fast and could use some expansion. Otherwise it looks pretty good. And a Molly route is something I've been waiting for actually.
Oh, one other thing.

I release the death grip on my chest as the pain slowly surpasses,

Should just be 'passes', I think.

sanduba wrote:

Feurox wrote:Now wouldn't it just be dandy, if that was Lelouch, but he secretly murders people and wears their faces to class, but because no body pays him any attention he gets away with it....

What is wrong with me...

Maybe his disability is that he's a shape shifter! Or he is a SUPER schizophrenic that when he changes personality he changes physical form....

Like a rubbish transformer....

Who made all this anyway? I've read a lot of fanfics here, and some are very consistent with the others. Naomi has epilepsy, Suzu has narcolepsy.. Now why did you choose the effing Lelouch vi Britannia to have aphasia? You should choose something more badass, or something that relates to the anime

http://shimmie.katawa-shoujo.com/post/view/1827

And trying to pick out disabilities that are badass kinda defeats the whole idea behind a person being disabled.

Oddball wrote: http://shimmie.katawa-shoujo.com/post/view/1827

And trying to pick out disabilities that are badass kinda defeats the whole idea behind a person being disabled.

Now I feel bad..
Not really though ROFL

Steinherz wrote: -Hisao seems to have realized a crush on her pretty quickly. Slow it down friend, it's better to take things like that slow so they're believable.

Well In my experiences, crushes can happen rather quickly. At least they tended to for me, especially while I was in high school. Though that said, it does make a more interesting story when that stuff takes a bit longer.

AntonSlavik020 wrote:

Steinherz wrote: -Hisao seems to have realized a crush on her pretty quickly. Slow it down friend, it's better to take things like that slow so they're believable.

Well In my experiences, crushes can happen rather quickly. At least they tended to for me, especially while I was in high school. Though that said, it does make a more interesting story when that stuff takes a bit longer.

Still, this whole thing seems rather rushed. Like an entire act of plot development in 500 words.