Katawa Shoujo Forums

Yo. Like a lot of people on here, I want to be a writer. I figure the only way to improve is to get feed back, so I decided to post this here.

What is it:

It's an OC story. Don't close the browser just yet. The OC is in not based on me, nor is this any form of wish fulfilment. His name is Kohta Nakata, and he has serious liver damage. Eventually, without a transplant, this will result in liver failure and death. Originally, the main character had features somewhat similar to the main character from Persona 4 (So like, grey hair.) However after looking at the classroom CG again, I noticed that Lelouche was replaced by a boy without a name or condition, who fit a similar description to my character. I took this as a sign and nabbed the character.

Pictured here, second chair from the left, middle row.

I'm not sure how far this story will go, but I will keep writing it as long as people are still reading it. That is of course until it reaches a conclusion. And since KS has a rich universe, with a bunch of interesting characters to explore (as well as a route system), may not be for a long time.

There won't be any H-Scenes. Bummer, I know. But I have no intention of writing any.

Feed back is not only welcomed, but appreciated and sort of thee whole point.

I'm not sure what sort of schedule I'll be posting under, so I'll just say 'regularly'.

So, without further delay. Enjoy.

Prologue
Part 1 - Auburn Sunset
Part 2 - What's behind door number one?
Part 3 - Nursing old wounds
Part 4 - A rude awakening
Part 5 - A dramatic reading
Part 6 - Scars, old and new

Rin's Route
Act 1
Part 1 - RINew your spirit
Part 2 - RINassurance
Part 3 - Nice legs...
Part 4 - ...and beautiful feet.
Part 5 - A moment of fruit eating
Part 6 - Catfish Blues
Part 7 - Out of it
Part 8 - Carry on
Part 9 - Kemo
Act 2
Part 1 - Does it ever rain on Tuesdays

Brilliant, I'm already lost.

I turn to the large metal gate behind me. It's closed, not that I could turn back now if I wanted to. I guess I should ask someone for directions. It's fairly late in the afternoon, so the area is devoid of people. Normally, I'd welcome the silence. However, in such an unfamiliar area it gives me this eerie feeling. That, and I am still fucking lost.

I decide to randomly choose a building and enter it, best case scenario, it's the male dorms. Suddenly, as I make my way to the chosen building, I spot a dash of red standing out against the dull, winter scenery. A male student, with scruffy auburn hair is sitting cross legged, facing away from me. I walk up behind him.

"Hello." He doesn't react to me at all. After waiting a moment, I decide that he hasn't heard me. "Hel-"

I'm cut off by the student as he falls backward suddenly, his head landing on my foot. He stares into my eyes for a moment. "Hello."

I'm sure my face is currently contorted in a mix of surprise and horror. From this angle I can see that "he" is actually a she, and she has no arms. I have no idea how to react. Instead, I just stand there, staring at her. Surprisingly, she's not offended by this. She just lays there on the ground in front of me, looking at me expectantly. My shock quickly turns to embarrassment. "Uhh, hello."

"Hello."

I try to keep myself from looking at her arms, or lack of them, to no avail. She doesn't seem to mind though. Or more accurately, she doesn't seem to notice. In fact, she only seems vaguely aware of my presence.

Suddenly her eyes refocus and her expression turns to mild surprise. "Are you a pervert?"

"I-, wait what!?"

"Are you a pervert?" There isn't the slightest hint of emotion on this girl's face. She's either serious, or an amazing actor.

"Why do you think I'm a pervert?"

"A boy sneaking into school after dark, heading straight for the girl's dorms to take pictures of half-naked, disabled girls. How scandalous."

Her assessment of the situation is as absurd as it is plausible. I decide the only way to proceed is to debunk her claims. "I'm not holding a camera."

"You've got plenty of bags with you, there could be a camera in one of them."

"Maybe I'm just a new student?" She thinks about this for a moment.

"No. That'd be boring."

"Anyway... Does that mean that those are the male dorms." I say, gesturing over my right shoulder.

"They are."

Something she said earlier occurs to me, and I realise that it is in fact getting dark. "Shouldn't you get back to your room before it gets dark? I hear there are perverts around."

"Shouldn't you?"

Touché.

"I would, but you're still laying on my foot."

"Oh, sorry." Too spite her words, she continues to lay on my foot, staring blankly at my face. Just as I am about to ask her to move, she swings her upperbody forward. I decide now is a good time to leave.

"I'm going to go now, I'll see you around." I wait impatiently for her response.

"Goodnight."

"My name's Nakata, by the way."

"Okay."

...

Dear lord.

"What's yours?"

"Tezuka. But you can call me Rin."

"Well, I'll catch you around. I've got some pictures to take." Smirking, I turn on my heels and begin heading towards the dorms.

"I thought you were a new student?"

"Nope. You had it right the first time. I'm a pervert. And now I've got to get to work."

"At the boy's dorms?"

Shit.

What a strange girl.

And she didn't have any arms. How does she eat? Or put on clothes? I guess she'd have someone to help her do that stuff. Come to think of it, should I have left her out there like that? What if she can't get off the ground?

I try to skip up the last step absent-mindedly, but kick my toe on the edge of it, sending me forward. I right myself and check both sides of the hall, confirming that no one saw that. Thank God. Here's my room, number 113. I sigh in relief. My arms are nearly numb from carrying all of these damned bags around. I turn the knob but the door doesn't budge. Strange. I was told over the phone the door would be left unlocked. I wiggle the knob again. As soon as I do so I hear the sound of metal scraping against metal. The door opens very slightly and a short boy with dark hair and very thick glasses peers through the gap.

"Who are you!?" His forwardness and indignant demeanour throws me off slightly.

"Uhh, I'm Nakata Kohta, I'm a new stude-"

"What do you want!?" He cuts me off.

"I was told that this was my room. Number 113."

"This is number 117."

I look up. "Hmph, so it is. Guess I need to brush up on my Japanese numbers."

"Hey, you're not here to kill me are you?"

"What? No."

"Uh huh, that's exactly what a feminist assassin would say!"

"A feminist what?"

"Play dumb all you want, I'm onto you."

"If I was here to kill you, wouldn't I have a weapon or something?"

"You're carrying plenty of bags, you've probably got some kind of devious weapon in one of them!"

Oh Jesus Christ, I could swear I've already had this conversation.

"Look," I pinch the bridge of my nose, "I'm just a new student. I'm going to leave now."
Primarily because talking to you sir is like having my organ's removed, slowly. I turn to leave.

"Hey. I don't buy your story. But, if you are a new student I can't just let you wander off without warning you first."

Oh, this'll be good.

"Warn me about what?"

"The girls here, you've got be careful man. They're crazy."

"Now that you mention it, I did meet a very weird girl earlier."

I watch as this man's face shifts from mild concern to absolute terror.

"Are you okay man! She didn't try to poison you did she?! They like to do that, ya' know, because it doesn't leave a mess."

His words strike me. Poison me? Ha. She'd have to get in line.

"No, I'm fine. Not sure how much damage she could do to me though, she was unarmed. Literally. She didn't have any arms." Wait, was that rude? I guess it doesn't matter, this guy's insane anyway.

"That's how they get you. They look defenceless, and then BAM!" he slams the wall to emphasise his point. "You're eating food through a straw for the rest of your life."

"And why would they do that?"

"Because! Feminists HATE men. I tell you what, you come back here at midnight man, I'll give you the low down on the whole feminist conspiracy."

"I'll pass."

"Fine dude, but it's your funeral, just watch your back. No matter how close to you they get, never trust them. Because when you least expect it they'll strike."

"Yeah, I know what that's like."

He adjusts his glasses and analyses me slowly. "Wait, so you've been attacked by the feminists before?"

"Yeah. Something like that."

"No way, I th-"

"Look!" I cut him off before he can ramble on further. "I'm tired. I'm going to go to my room now, it's not safe here. You know, the feminists could be anywhere."

The boy nods at me. "Hey, I'm Setou Kenji by the way. What'd you say your name was again?"

"Nakata Kohta."

"Well, Kohta. I'll see you at midnight."

He slams the door close and once again I can hear him seal several locks. I make my way to the other end of the hall. What the hell was wrong with that guy? I've never met a more insane, or annoying person in my life. Is everyone at this school insane. If so, I won't last long here until I'm dead bolting my door like him. I open the door to my room and toss my stuff onto the floor. Looking out the window, I notice that the light of the sun is fading very quickly. I just need to do one more thing before I can sleep.

My footsteps echo through the plain, beige hallway. The hall is empty, adding to its dull aesthetic. I stop, gazing wearily at the door beside me. The sign reads "Head Nurse". I slowly move my arm to knock on the door, my mind still focused on my warm, soft bed.

"Come in." A voice coming through the door stops me right before I knock. I open the door slowly with some trepidation.

"Hello?"

As soon as I speak the man spins around in his chair to face me. He's wearing a strikingly wide smile. "Hello. Nakata I presume?"

"Just call me Chr-, err, Kohta."

"Right, Kohta. Everyone here just calls me Nurse. Nice to meet you." The nurse extends his hand, and I do the same. He locks me in a very firm handshake. "So, aren't you curious?"

"Curious about what?" I ask slightly confused.

"How I knew you were at the door before you knocked?" The nurse's smile manages to grow slightly.

"Not really."

"I could hear your footsteps."

I'm tired, and not sure I can handle another one of these kinds of conversations. "Right... You said on the phone that you'd need to see me when I got here?"

"Oh, yes of course!" The Nurse reaches for a folder on his desk, inspecting it for a couple of seconds. "Well, first of all. How are you feeling?"

"Tired."

"That's no surprise, you had quite a long flight." He pauses for a moment. "How are you liking Japan so far?"

"From what I've seen of it thus far, just fine."

"Well, your Japanese is nearly perfect. Only a slight hint of an accent. I think you'll fit in just fine. Plus, the girls love foreign boys." He gives me a wink.

"Now, on to business. Your condition. I assume you've already been through the basics? You know, no alcohol, stick to your diet plan, and so on?"

"Yeah. No problems there."

"Right... And have you been having any issues with your condition lately?"

"Nope. Liver has been doing just fine. I have my good days, and my bad days as usual. But nothing abnormal." At least, compared to what has become my normality.

"Good. Good. Now, you've been put on the waiting list for a transplant, as I'm sure you know. We'll notify you as soon as there is an update in that regard."

"Okay." I stifle a yawn.

"And finally. I don't know if your father told you, but we have a very good therapist on staff. I've made an-"

"I don't need a therapist." My voice is far flatter and more assertive than I had intended.

"If that is the way you feel about it, I can't force you to see her. But-"

"Look, my mother tried to kill me. I've come to terms with that. I'm fine, really." I hope the bluntness of my statement will deter him from pursuing the issue further.

"That's fine. Just remember that the offer is there if you ever need it." He's still wearing that cheesy grin.

"Okay, thank you." I fail to hide my insincerity. I can feel myself about to yawn again, but make no attempt to cover it.

"Go, get some sleep, I won't hold you here any longer." He begins to herd me towards the door. "You've come at a good time, you've got two days to get to know people before school starts. Oh, and don't forget to come see me twice a weak for a check up. Or if anything changes." He adds that last part almost as an after thought.

"Okay. Thanks." I say as I wave him goodbye.

He's right, I've got two days to get a feel for this place before I have to start worrying about school. I should set my alarm for relatively early tomorrow.

Lloyd Snow wrote:What a strange girl.

And she didn't have any arms. How does she eat? Or put on clothes? I guess she'd have someone to help her do that stuff. Come to think of it, should I have left her out there like that? What if she can't get off the ground?

I try to skip up the last step absent-mindedly, but kick my toe on the edge of it, sending me forward. I right myself and check both sides of the hall, confirming that no one saw that. Thank God. Here's my room, number 113. I sigh in relief. My arms are nearly numb from carrying all of these damned bags around. I turn the knob but the door doesn't budge. Strange. I was told over the phone the door would be left unlocked. I wiggle the knob again. As soon as I do so I hear the sound of metal scraping against metal. The door opens very slightly and a short boy with dark hair and very thick glasses peers through the gap.

"Who are you!?" His forwardness and indignant demeanour throws me off slightly.

"Uhh, I'm Nakata Kohta, I'm a new stude-"

"What do you want!?" He cuts me off.

"I was told that this was my room. Number 113."

"This is number 117."

I look up. "Hmph, so it is. Guess I need to brush up on my Japanese numbers."

"Hey, you're not here to kill me are you?"

"What? No."

"Uh huh, that's exactly what a feminist assassin would say!"

"A feminist what?"

"Play dumb all you want, I'm onto you."

"If I was here to kill you, wouldn't I have a weapon or something?"

"You're carrying plenty of bags, you've probably got some kind of devious weapon in one of them!"

Oh Jesus Christ, I could swear I've already had this conversation.

"Look," I pinch the bridge of my nose, "I'm just a new student. I'm going to leave now."
Primarily because talking to you sir is like having my organ's removed, slowly. I turn to leave.

"Hey. I don't buy your story. But, if you are a new student I can't just let you wander off without warning you first."

Oh, this'll be good.

"Warn me about what?"

"The girls here, you've got be careful man. They're crazy."

"Now that you mention it, I did meet a very weird girl earlier."

I watch as this man's face shifts from mild concern to absolute terror.

"Are you okay man! She didn't try to poison you did she?! They like to do that, ya' know, because it doesn't leave a mess."

His words strike me. Poison me? Ha. She'd have to get in line.

"No, I'm fine. Not sure how much damage she could do to me though, she was unarmed. Literally. She didn't have any arms." Wait, was that rude? I guess it doesn't matter, this guy's insane anyway.

"That's how they get you. They look defenseless, and then BAM!" he slams the wall to emphasize his point. "You're eating food through a straw for the rest of your life."

"And why would they do that?"

"Because! Feminists HATE men. I tell you what, you come back here at midnight man, I'll give you the low down on the whole feminist conspiracy."

"I'll pass."

"Fine dude, but it's your funeral, just watch your back. No matter how close to you they get, never trust them. Because when you least expect it they'll strike."

"Yeah, I know what that's like."

He adjusts his glasses and analyses me slowly. "Wait, so you've been attacked by the feminists before?"

"Yeah. Something like that."

"No way, I th-"

"Look!" I cut him off before he can ramble on further. "I'm tired. I'm going to go to my room now, it's not safe here. You know, the feminists could be anywhere."

The boy nods at me. "Hey, I'm Setou Kenji by the way. What'd you say your name was again?"

"Nakata Kohta."

"Well, Kohta. I'll see you at midnight."

He slams the door close and once again I can hear him seal several locks. I make my way to the other end of the hall. What the hell was wrong with that guy? I've never met a more insane, or annoying person in my life. Is everyone at this school insane. If so, I won't last long here until I'm dead bolting my door like him. I open the door to my room and toss my stuff onto the floor. Looking out the window, I notice that the light of the sun is fading very quickly. I just need to do one more thing before I can sleep.

Made a few quick changes in red(I hope it's red..), I usually don't notice these things but I'm getting better, which is good because I have to recheck my own writing far too often v_v..

A few things I'd like to mention(Haven't read part 3 yet)
1: I like what you did with Rin, too many people butcher her dialogue and you did a pretty decent job of it.
2: Your character is looking pretty sweet so far, looking forward to more!
3: Each part is very... short. The length of all three parts together could all be thrown into a single post to save time/space, perhaps have a single post for all of act 1? It's just a personal preference of mine, but I find it to be enjoyable to read one wall of text rather than to read multiple small posts that I have to scroll around for. Just something to think about, otherwise keep it up ^-^.

Shail wrote:
Made a few quick changes in red(I hope it's red..), I usually don't notice these things but I'm getting better, which is good because I have to recheck my own writing far too often v_v..

A few things I'd like to mention(Haven't read part 3 yet)
1: I like what you did with Rin, too many people butcher her dialogue and you did a pretty decent job of it.
2: Your character is looking pretty sweet so far, looking forward to more!
3: Each part is very... short. The length of all three parts together could all be thrown into a single post to save time/space, perhaps have a single post for all of act 1? It's just a personal preference of mine, but I find it to be enjoyable to read one wall of text rather than to read multiple small posts that I have to scroll around for. Just something to think about, otherwise keep it up ^-^.

Thanks for the feedback bro.
This is probably something important that I should have mentioned in the introduction, I'm Australian. So, I'll be using the UK variations of words like defenseless/defenceless and emphasise/emphasize. Both are obviously correct.

With regards to post size. Put simply, they get longer. The parts are meant to signal a large change in setting, or a jump in time. When I get to the later ones which are dramatically longer (Act 1, part 6 being longer as long as the first 3 parts combined). Act 1 is pretty much just a character and setting orientation, so it's fairly bare bones.

I hope you enjoy reading the rest.

Australians and their Kangaroo-Lightsabers.. now they spell differently too? I swear they are going to take over the world at this rate...

Oh well, keep it up, longer is better, the best ending is a sequel ^^

P.S If aussies spell wierd and it's correct, then the only thing I noticed was a single comma error?! How lol.. Comma/period is my biggest weakness in writing o-o

the area is relatively devoid of people.

devoid (not comparable) - empty; having none of; completely without
"devoid" is not comparable. That means you can't use it with any qualifiers like "relatively". Either it is devoid of people or it isn't.

...Guess I need to brush up on my Japanese numbers."

Hmm... The name Kohta Nakata does sound Japanese. Is there a special reason he can't read numbers?

Plus, the girls love foreign boys.

Okay, that answers that question... Partially. Why do OCs always have to be foreigners?

My voice is far flatter and assertive than I had intended.

Missing a word here.

Regarding post size, I think your update was decent-sized. Yes, it could have been done in one post, but the posts are clear-cut chapters, so I think it was right to put them in separate posts.

All in all you're off to a good start. I have a few misgivings about the typical setup of "foreigner comes to Yamaku", and I think the "his mother tried to kill him" can make for a potential Mary Sue-trap, especially when combined with the "tough guy who isn't affected by this at all."
Try to avoid it

@Shail:
It's not really the Aussies that spell weirdly. In fact [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_a ... ifferences]most commonwealth countries use british spelling[/ur] instead of the US version. Canada uses a mix of both.
I won't deny that Aussies talk funny, though
Also, please don't quote full chapters when pointing out typos ^^°

Mirage_GSM wrote:
@Shail:
It's not really the Aussies that spell weirdly. In fact [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_a ... ifferences]most commonwealth countries use british spelling[/ur] instead of the US version. Canada uses a mix of both.
I won't deny that Aussies talk funny, though
Also, please don't quote full chapters when pointing out typos ^^°

:c the chapter was short enough that it didn't seem too bad to me, and most OC tend to be foreigners(imo) because they are easier to implement, provide a backstory for, and overall get attention to them compared to just a typical Japanese kid.(Foreigners or the un-explored students like Miki/Snoozu/etc)

Lloyd Snow wrote:
"Tezuka. But you can call me Rin."

"Well, I'll catch you around. I've got some pictures to take." Smirking, I turn on my heels and begin heading towards the dorms.

"I thought you were a new student?"

"Nope. You had it right the first time. I'm a pervert. And now I've got to get to work."

"At the boy's dorms?"

Shit.

Was too tired to notice and quote this earlier, but this.. this is good Rin writing. Got a giggle out of me despite being up for 40 hours, I sense this being a good read for giggles from what I've read so far. Since the main char is a guy, I'm assuming he will get in a romance relationship with a girl(just assuming based off the attitude of most KS fanfics) I'm wondering if the girl will be OC(or partial OC, like Miki, Akira, Snoozu... omg Snoozu <3 ;3; <3) or one of the girls already in play. The suspense is killing me ;-; the Snoozu pseudo route has been holding off my reading crave for a bit now, even through the 2nd read through. But with that over I need more fanfics, I have marked this one and look forward to more of it. In the meantime I think I'll go check the back threads again o3o.

Okay. Mirage. I'll fix the devoid thing. I'm not sure what you mean by a word being missing though. The sentence is essentially saying that his voice was more serious than he had intended it to be.
As for the foreigner thing. This was an intentional decision. I wanted to intensify a point I make later on in the story. It's rather arbitrary really. He could have just as easily been Japanese (He's half Japanese by the way, more about that later though.)
As for the rest, I'd say just keep reading and you'll see. I get what you mean though, I've seen you comment on a couple of fanfics that make those sorts of mistakes.

Shail, I bet this will make you happy.
You're thinking too small. Remember, Katawa Shoujo had routes.
Instead of asking who he ends up with. Ask who he ends up with first.
Get hyped, mate.

I see alot of potential for a lengthy story o3o... mmm.. length.. With any luck, this will be the next big fanfic on the KSF , so far the big ones are things like Sisterhood, the Akira Pseudo Route, the Snoozu Pseudo-Psuedo route(borderline suicidal depression at the thought of it ending ;-;.. but you won't do that right? We are brothers in arms against the endinazi menace <-< *queue Kenji*)

There's still so much left to do. I haven't even decided on the first girl yet.

Well, how is the "girl" going to end, meet, fuck, break up, repeat? If so please avoid tainting Hanako/Lilly.

But really, I suggest Miki as girl #1

Lloyd Snow wrote:I'm not sure what you mean by a word being missing though.

My voice is far flatter and assertive than I had intended.

I believe you meant either more or less assertive (or perhaps some other related adverb ).