Rain. A Hanako Fic
Posted: Fri Aug 09, 2013 7:31 pm
Another old one I found lurking in my writing folder, feedback always appreciated. Enjoy~
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“Great.” I mutter, harshly, staring at the scene outside my window; people frantically running to shelter after getting caught in the sudden downpour.
The rain lashes at the glass, showing no signs of stopping. I sigh; I’d been waiting for today all week, the day I could finally make a proper trip into the city to explore everything it has to offer. I’d even finished all my homework early to make sure I had enough time.
Looks like that plan didn’t work out so well.
Grumbling at the prospect of being stuck inside on my day off, I flop back down onto my bed and pull out the book I borrowed a few days ago. There’s only a few pages left until the end so it doesn’t take me long to finish and start looking for other means to occupy myself. I wonder what Hanako’s doing now; Lilly’s out of town visiting her sister so she’s probably at a loss for things to do.
Maybe I should check up on her? I mull the idea around in my head for a while; No doubt I’d enjoy Hanako’s company and I’m sure she’d appreciate the thought, but there’s always a possibility I might be interrupting something or that she’d simply not feel like doing anything. Either way, I guess it can’t hurt to try.
My mood improves a little at the thought of spending the day with Hanako. I have to admit that more and more recently I’ve caught myself glancing at the classroom clock, waiting almost anxiously for the short walk to the tea room. Although, I’m not entirely sure where she spends her time on days like this; the safest bets are the Library, the tea room and her dorm room, I guess.
After weighing up my options, I decide the library is the best place to try first; considering everyone’ll be inside the building it’d make sense for Hanako to be where it’s quiet. Besides, I have a few books I need to return anyway. I quickly round up the items in question, pack them into my bag and head out.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
As I enter the library I’m greeted by the musty smell of literature and the sight of a few first-years trying to keep up with all their homework at a nearby desk. I look around the large, open room and find Hanako, not at her usual spot by the beanbags but at the front desk, talking animatedly with Yuuko and clutching a relatively thick-bound book to her chest.
She looks as if she’s planning on braving the weather outside, for whatever reason; atop her usual denim jacket she’s wearing a pastel raincoat of a similar colour to her nightdress, and she has the hood pulled up over her head in place of her hat. She’s also holding a very large umbrella.
Her head is pointing towards the door and she quickly meets my gaze. She blushes a little when she sees me staring and quickly stuffs the book into a small bag I hadn’t seen.
Yuuko, too, is blushing hard. I pretend not to notice that she’s now a bright scarlet as I lay my bag on the desk and begin the process of returning my books; Yuuko efficiently, if a little clumsily, stamps the books and put them on her tray, then bids a momentary farewell to Hanako and I, wheeling the tray away to return the books to their rightful places.
“Hey, Hanako.”
She gives me a shy smile and returns my greeting in kind.
“What were you two talking about?”
“J-just a book.” She avoids my gaze, still blushing furiously.
The way she’s acting makes me wonder just what kind of books she’s been reading but I decide not to press the matter just yet, instead, I ask about her current state of dress.
“I… I have somewhere to go.” She shuffles around a bit and fumbles with the clasp on her bag. “What b-brings you here, H-Hisao?”
“I was just wondering if you wanted some company, what with Lilly out of town and all. But it seems you’re busy, too.”
Her deep purples bangs fall further over her face as she nods, hiding her scars from sight.
“S-sorry…”
I guess it’s just like Hanako to apologise for something that’s in no way her fault, it’s kinda sad that she looks genuinely remorseful about it, too. Thankfully, I can at least assuage that feeling somewhat.
“Don’t worry about it, I had some books to return after all, so it’s no trouble.”
I give her a small wink to try and cheer her up but she doesn’t notice as her eyes are focussed elsewhere - the area around her feet, to be precise. As a result, I can’t tell whether I’ve made things any better or worse. I hesitate, unsure of what to do
“Oh yeah!” my outburst causes the first years behind us to glare in my direction. “I almost forgot. Would it be alright if I borrowed your copy of Life of Pi?”
The corners of her mouth lift up into a smile. Whether at my interest in books or my asking favours, I can’t tell.
“S-sure. You’ll have to come and p-pick it up later, though.”
She motions to her umbrella and then to the downpour outside. I notice her eyes lingering on the scene beyond the window for a moment before turning back to me, an unusual look adorning her delicate features.
“Umm… Do you—“
Her words are interrupted by a sudden and almighty crash from the desk, signalling Yuuko’s return as she knocks over the mountain of books she had stacked by her chair.
“Sorry, sorry.” she babbles, instantly flustered again “I’m really clumsy today.”
She slaps herself on the forehead, dislodging her glasses and causing them to join the mess of books on the floor. We stifle a giggle or two and move round to help her.
Pretty soon we have them all stacked neatly by Yuuko’s chair, which she scrambles into, a cup of tea mysteriously appearing out of nowhere. Hanako and I take this as a sign that she’s about to do some serious work and take our leave, silently wishing her luck.
I take a quick look around the library first to see if I find anything interesting, picking out a few titles I like the sound of and handing them to Yuuko, then stuffing them in my bag for later.
We walk in silence down towards the main entrance, accompanied by the constant drumming of the rain. Hanako clings to my side whenever a group of students passes by, even though nobody pays much attention to us, and I can’t help but feel a strange sense of satisfaction from this acceptance.
When we reach the front doors, I say goodbye and start to make my way back to the dorms. I only manage a few steps before a soft voice from behind me
“Umm… H-Hisao?”
“Yeah?” I turn around, slowly.
“Do you… Would you like t-to come with me?”
She looks a little embarrassed but she doesn’t try to avoid my gaze. I can’t say I don’t want to go; in fact, I was kinda hoping she’d want to do something with me. And I honestly hadn’t thought about any kind of plan, so this is kind of win-win.
“Sure,” I nod enthusiastically at her proposal. “I’d love to. Just let me grab a raincoat.”
Hanako nods and I hurry back to my dorm room, grabbing a few things and stuffing them in my bag before pulling a jacket around myself and heading back to the entrance. I reach the front of the school’s interior in short order, a little out of breathe from the stairs and I’m surprised to find my companion a little way away from where I left her, staring at her shoes.
Then I see why, two girls had entered the lobby and are talking quite loudly and animatedly. Hanako must be getting nervous. Taking my cue, I deftly wrap her arm around mine and she clings to it again as we head through the large double doors and into the rain.
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Hanako’s umbrella turns out to be more than big enough for the two of us, especially as she has opted to stay close to my side while we walk. She seems a lot more relaxed than before now that there are hardly any people around. We’re silent as we make our way past the boundary of the school grounds but it’s the comfortable kind of silence that neither party feels the need to fill.
Accompanied by the staccato rhythm of the downpour on our handheld shelter, I start to zone out. I’d forgotten how peaceful the rain could be. I say as much.
“It’s been a while since I’ve been out in rain this heavy.” I chuckle, softly. “I’d forgotten how much I enjoy it.”
Hanako nods her assent.
“There s-something so… peaceful about it. It kind of makes me f-feel…” She trails off and looks at her feet. “Like the only thing t-that matters is what I do next.”
She blushes slightly, gaze fixed on her shoes. I see where she’s coming from, though.
“I think I know what you mean; like the rest of the world just fades away and you can’t help but imagine that you’re the only person around for miles.”
She looks up at me and smiles from under her bangs, it’s always a rare sight.
“Y-yeah, sort of like that.”
I can see why that would appeal to someone like Hanako, given her shyness. I kind of feel the same way, though. It’s nice to just forget the world sometimes.
We lapse into silence again as we make our way up the path into the forest just behind Yamaku. Turning back, its red brick walls and wrought iron gates no longer seem as intimidating or ostentatious as they did when I first arrived. It’s funny, how quickly people adapt to things.
It takes all of our effort to traverse the path, the fallen leaves making it treacherous and slippery. My heart’s not faring too well but it’s not painful yet. I’m pretty sure I’d have trouble on this kind of hill even if it was dry and I didn’t have to watch my step so much.
“I-It’s not far now.”
We trudge the rest of the short distance at a decent pace, eager to take a break from all this walking. Soon, we stop at a small clearing, surprisingly devoid of rain. I look up and see that the canopy here is particularly thick despite its openness. Slightly to the left of us is a large maple tree, its bark gnarled and weathered over time. Hanako veers towards it.
“Here I-It is…” She’s gazing up at the dense canopy, a faint light filters through it. It looks like the sky is clearing.
“What is it?”
“I…It’s a worry tree” She explains it like she’s reciting something, like a script. “You come here w-when you need to… think about things”
She turns to face me, smiling faintly.
“T…Tezuka showed it to me.”
That must have been a strange encounter for her, given Rin’s… eccentric manner of speaking. It’s good to hear that she managed to hold a conversation with her, though. It’s more than I can do.
We sit down on the patch of dry grass around the maple tree. It’s whorled and knotted bark digs into my back as I mistakenly lean against it, Hanako props herself up with her bag, which she pulls a slim novel from.
“What kind of things do you come here to think about, Hanako?”
Her cheeks flush pink and she buries them in the pages, hiding from my casual gaze.
“J-just things.”
I sigh quietly as she expertly dodges the question. I reach into my own bag and pull out one of the books I’d borrowed earlier; a fairly recent Historical novel by quite a famous English author. It had been translated recently along with a few more of his works; Yuuko was very excited when they came in, due to them taking place in an era she finds particularly interesting.
For a while, Hanako and I say nothing, both absorbed in our respective books as a few tentative rays of sunlight filter through the canopy and a slight breeze rustles the leaves. I glance across at the dark haired girl beside me, watching her eyes dart from left to right, gracefully skimming the pages of her book. Rarely is this side of her seen, so calm and collected; like she’s a whole different person.
I feel happy that I can see her like this, that I can be just a little bit closer to her true self. And I realise how glad I am that she’s let me this far into her life. Strangely, I feel a small sense of success that I’ve succeeded where so many others have failed, that Hanako chose to accept me, of all people.
I file that thought away to think about later and try to just continue with my reading but the sun’s out in full now and its warmth, permeating the thick leaves above, has returned. Taking my jacket off, I put away my book and stretch out in the small patch of brightness.
I close my eyes and let myself relax, the faint rustling of the leaves blowing in the wind mixing with the chirping of the birds as they find new vigour in the sunlight seemingly the only sounds for miles around. I’d be drifting off by now if it weren’t for the fact that it’s only noon.
“Umm… H-hisao?”
After a while, I’m interrupted from my reverie by my softly-spoken companion.
“Yeah?” I don’t bother opening my eyes, it feels too good leaving them shut.
“You think of m-me as a… a friend, right?”
This time I turn to face her, I‘m surprised to see that she’s gotten closer to where I’m lying but I look her dead in the eye, a genuine smile creeps across my face.
“Of course I do, Hanako; You and Lilly both, why?”
I can visibly see her hesitating, her mouth trying to form words that her brain doesn’t want her to say. She holds her hands close to her neck and, her head cast down, looks up at me through her bangs.
“Would… would you ever t-think of me as… something else?”
“What do you mean?”
She breaks eye contact, her voice dropping to little more than a whisper as she looks away. She soldiers on, despite the slight tension growing between us.
“C-could you ever think of me… as something m-more?”
More than friends…
That’s… That’s pretty big to just spring on someone. Surprisingly, I’m not as shocked or taken aback by her question as I would be a mere few months ago; I guess I don’t see anything wrong with the idea.
I roll the notion around in my head, testing it. I’ve not really tried to analyse my feelings for Hanako before. I want to be there for her, that’s for sure. I want to see her grow as a person and protect her when she needs it but Are these feelings just friendship or are they something deeper? Something… more? More importantly; how am I supposed to tell?
I’ve read a few cheap romance novels — Much to my personal shame — but they all describe love as some kind of big, instantaneous, all-consuming thing but this feeling, if it really is love, is nothing like that; It’s far more complicated and confusing. Sure there are some times when I get that warm, comforting feeling but the novels never explain the other side, when It feels like you’re lost, mired in fog. When neither party acts the way they should, or says the things they should.
But I’m not naïve enough to believe in that mushy, love-at-first-sight crap. I would imagine love, like anything else, has its ups and downs. If living at Yamaku has taught me one thing, it’s that nothing’s perfect. But that doesn’t make life any less enjoyable. I realise that I should probably come up with an answer, I just don’t want to make a decision that could ruin our relationship.
Hanako’s still looking down; I expect she took my silence as denial.
“Hanako…”
“It’s okay” she whispers “You don’t h-have to say yes. I… I won’t break”
Hearing her say those words makes me realise how wrong my first impressions were; she’s not some kind of doll, delicate and fragile. She doesn’t need to be protected. She’s been through a lot more than most people can say and if the fact that she’s still here isn’t a testament to her strength, then I don’t know what is. I mentally kick myself for not thinking this through earlier. Meanwhile, Hanako’s face has fallen again, her eyes no longer meeting my own. When she speaks again, her voice is barely audible.
“I… I’m sorry, Hisao.”
She starts to get up, ready to head back to the school. I don’t move, I can’t stop thinking about how I could be so stupid as to not even think about Hanako’s feelings. Some friend I am.
“No, Hanako. I’m sorry.” She turns at my words, taken aback by my sudden reversal of her apology.
“I made a mistake thinking you were something fragile, like you were made of fine china, or something. I… I never realised how strong you were and I tried to wrap you up in cotton wool. For that, I apologise.”
My mouth’s gone dry but I carry on. I don’t know if I can stop now.
“It’s weird… I guess I was scared that you would break. I figured that, if I wanted to make you happy, I had to protect you from people, from the world. I never even thought about how you felt about that.”
My traitorous eyes are welling up now; I take a few deep breaths to calm myself before I steel myself, I’ve already gone too far to turn back now.
“You’re a beautiful person, Hanako. And I want nothing more than to make you happy. So if that’s what you meant by “something more” then yes, I do think about you as more than a friend, much more.”
Hanako kneels down beside me and I take her right hand in both of mine, she winces a little as I feel the contours of her scarred skin but she doesn’t remove her hand.
“I… I love you, Hanako. And I’m sorry I’ve been such an idiot”
She’s smiling now, the corners of her eyes slowly going damp. Delicately, she leans towards me and her lips brush mine. She wraps her arms around my neck and whispers in my ear.
“Thank you H-Hisao. For… for telling me that.”
For a while we just sit there, I hardly notice myself wrapping my own arms around her waist as if it were the most natural thing to do. I feel a soft tickling sensation as Hanako rests her face against mine, followed by a warmth spreading through my cheeks when she presses her lips lightly against them.
“I love you too, Hisao.”
Her warm breath grazes my ear and her grip tightens around my neck. Neither of us dare move for fear of spoiling the moment, so we simply stay entwined in one another’s arms, both revelling in the feel of another body so close to our own. Eventually Hanako disengages, looking uncertainly at the sky.
“We’d better get going. It’s going to r-rain again soon”
I glance upwards through the trees. Sure enough, the grey clouds have returned and they look just about ready to burst. I smile softly.
“Yeah. Good idea”
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“Great.” I mutter, harshly, staring at the scene outside my window; people frantically running to shelter after getting caught in the sudden downpour.
The rain lashes at the glass, showing no signs of stopping. I sigh; I’d been waiting for today all week, the day I could finally make a proper trip into the city to explore everything it has to offer. I’d even finished all my homework early to make sure I had enough time.
Looks like that plan didn’t work out so well.
Grumbling at the prospect of being stuck inside on my day off, I flop back down onto my bed and pull out the book I borrowed a few days ago. There’s only a few pages left until the end so it doesn’t take me long to finish and start looking for other means to occupy myself. I wonder what Hanako’s doing now; Lilly’s out of town visiting her sister so she’s probably at a loss for things to do.
Maybe I should check up on her? I mull the idea around in my head for a while; No doubt I’d enjoy Hanako’s company and I’m sure she’d appreciate the thought, but there’s always a possibility I might be interrupting something or that she’d simply not feel like doing anything. Either way, I guess it can’t hurt to try.
My mood improves a little at the thought of spending the day with Hanako. I have to admit that more and more recently I’ve caught myself glancing at the classroom clock, waiting almost anxiously for the short walk to the tea room. Although, I’m not entirely sure where she spends her time on days like this; the safest bets are the Library, the tea room and her dorm room, I guess.
After weighing up my options, I decide the library is the best place to try first; considering everyone’ll be inside the building it’d make sense for Hanako to be where it’s quiet. Besides, I have a few books I need to return anyway. I quickly round up the items in question, pack them into my bag and head out.
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As I enter the library I’m greeted by the musty smell of literature and the sight of a few first-years trying to keep up with all their homework at a nearby desk. I look around the large, open room and find Hanako, not at her usual spot by the beanbags but at the front desk, talking animatedly with Yuuko and clutching a relatively thick-bound book to her chest.
She looks as if she’s planning on braving the weather outside, for whatever reason; atop her usual denim jacket she’s wearing a pastel raincoat of a similar colour to her nightdress, and she has the hood pulled up over her head in place of her hat. She’s also holding a very large umbrella.
Her head is pointing towards the door and she quickly meets my gaze. She blushes a little when she sees me staring and quickly stuffs the book into a small bag I hadn’t seen.
Yuuko, too, is blushing hard. I pretend not to notice that she’s now a bright scarlet as I lay my bag on the desk and begin the process of returning my books; Yuuko efficiently, if a little clumsily, stamps the books and put them on her tray, then bids a momentary farewell to Hanako and I, wheeling the tray away to return the books to their rightful places.
“Hey, Hanako.”
She gives me a shy smile and returns my greeting in kind.
“What were you two talking about?”
“J-just a book.” She avoids my gaze, still blushing furiously.
The way she’s acting makes me wonder just what kind of books she’s been reading but I decide not to press the matter just yet, instead, I ask about her current state of dress.
“I… I have somewhere to go.” She shuffles around a bit and fumbles with the clasp on her bag. “What b-brings you here, H-Hisao?”
“I was just wondering if you wanted some company, what with Lilly out of town and all. But it seems you’re busy, too.”
Her deep purples bangs fall further over her face as she nods, hiding her scars from sight.
“S-sorry…”
I guess it’s just like Hanako to apologise for something that’s in no way her fault, it’s kinda sad that she looks genuinely remorseful about it, too. Thankfully, I can at least assuage that feeling somewhat.
“Don’t worry about it, I had some books to return after all, so it’s no trouble.”
I give her a small wink to try and cheer her up but she doesn’t notice as her eyes are focussed elsewhere - the area around her feet, to be precise. As a result, I can’t tell whether I’ve made things any better or worse. I hesitate, unsure of what to do
“Oh yeah!” my outburst causes the first years behind us to glare in my direction. “I almost forgot. Would it be alright if I borrowed your copy of Life of Pi?”
The corners of her mouth lift up into a smile. Whether at my interest in books or my asking favours, I can’t tell.
“S-sure. You’ll have to come and p-pick it up later, though.”
She motions to her umbrella and then to the downpour outside. I notice her eyes lingering on the scene beyond the window for a moment before turning back to me, an unusual look adorning her delicate features.
“Umm… Do you—“
Her words are interrupted by a sudden and almighty crash from the desk, signalling Yuuko’s return as she knocks over the mountain of books she had stacked by her chair.
“Sorry, sorry.” she babbles, instantly flustered again “I’m really clumsy today.”
She slaps herself on the forehead, dislodging her glasses and causing them to join the mess of books on the floor. We stifle a giggle or two and move round to help her.
Pretty soon we have them all stacked neatly by Yuuko’s chair, which she scrambles into, a cup of tea mysteriously appearing out of nowhere. Hanako and I take this as a sign that she’s about to do some serious work and take our leave, silently wishing her luck.
I take a quick look around the library first to see if I find anything interesting, picking out a few titles I like the sound of and handing them to Yuuko, then stuffing them in my bag for later.
We walk in silence down towards the main entrance, accompanied by the constant drumming of the rain. Hanako clings to my side whenever a group of students passes by, even though nobody pays much attention to us, and I can’t help but feel a strange sense of satisfaction from this acceptance.
When we reach the front doors, I say goodbye and start to make my way back to the dorms. I only manage a few steps before a soft voice from behind me
“Umm… H-Hisao?”
“Yeah?” I turn around, slowly.
“Do you… Would you like t-to come with me?”
She looks a little embarrassed but she doesn’t try to avoid my gaze. I can’t say I don’t want to go; in fact, I was kinda hoping she’d want to do something with me. And I honestly hadn’t thought about any kind of plan, so this is kind of win-win.
“Sure,” I nod enthusiastically at her proposal. “I’d love to. Just let me grab a raincoat.”
Hanako nods and I hurry back to my dorm room, grabbing a few things and stuffing them in my bag before pulling a jacket around myself and heading back to the entrance. I reach the front of the school’s interior in short order, a little out of breathe from the stairs and I’m surprised to find my companion a little way away from where I left her, staring at her shoes.
Then I see why, two girls had entered the lobby and are talking quite loudly and animatedly. Hanako must be getting nervous. Taking my cue, I deftly wrap her arm around mine and she clings to it again as we head through the large double doors and into the rain.
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Hanako’s umbrella turns out to be more than big enough for the two of us, especially as she has opted to stay close to my side while we walk. She seems a lot more relaxed than before now that there are hardly any people around. We’re silent as we make our way past the boundary of the school grounds but it’s the comfortable kind of silence that neither party feels the need to fill.
Accompanied by the staccato rhythm of the downpour on our handheld shelter, I start to zone out. I’d forgotten how peaceful the rain could be. I say as much.
“It’s been a while since I’ve been out in rain this heavy.” I chuckle, softly. “I’d forgotten how much I enjoy it.”
Hanako nods her assent.
“There s-something so… peaceful about it. It kind of makes me f-feel…” She trails off and looks at her feet. “Like the only thing t-that matters is what I do next.”
She blushes slightly, gaze fixed on her shoes. I see where she’s coming from, though.
“I think I know what you mean; like the rest of the world just fades away and you can’t help but imagine that you’re the only person around for miles.”
She looks up at me and smiles from under her bangs, it’s always a rare sight.
“Y-yeah, sort of like that.”
I can see why that would appeal to someone like Hanako, given her shyness. I kind of feel the same way, though. It’s nice to just forget the world sometimes.
We lapse into silence again as we make our way up the path into the forest just behind Yamaku. Turning back, its red brick walls and wrought iron gates no longer seem as intimidating or ostentatious as they did when I first arrived. It’s funny, how quickly people adapt to things.
It takes all of our effort to traverse the path, the fallen leaves making it treacherous and slippery. My heart’s not faring too well but it’s not painful yet. I’m pretty sure I’d have trouble on this kind of hill even if it was dry and I didn’t have to watch my step so much.
“I-It’s not far now.”
We trudge the rest of the short distance at a decent pace, eager to take a break from all this walking. Soon, we stop at a small clearing, surprisingly devoid of rain. I look up and see that the canopy here is particularly thick despite its openness. Slightly to the left of us is a large maple tree, its bark gnarled and weathered over time. Hanako veers towards it.
“Here I-It is…” She’s gazing up at the dense canopy, a faint light filters through it. It looks like the sky is clearing.
“What is it?”
“I…It’s a worry tree” She explains it like she’s reciting something, like a script. “You come here w-when you need to… think about things”
She turns to face me, smiling faintly.
“T…Tezuka showed it to me.”
That must have been a strange encounter for her, given Rin’s… eccentric manner of speaking. It’s good to hear that she managed to hold a conversation with her, though. It’s more than I can do.
We sit down on the patch of dry grass around the maple tree. It’s whorled and knotted bark digs into my back as I mistakenly lean against it, Hanako props herself up with her bag, which she pulls a slim novel from.
“What kind of things do you come here to think about, Hanako?”
Her cheeks flush pink and she buries them in the pages, hiding from my casual gaze.
“J-just things.”
I sigh quietly as she expertly dodges the question. I reach into my own bag and pull out one of the books I’d borrowed earlier; a fairly recent Historical novel by quite a famous English author. It had been translated recently along with a few more of his works; Yuuko was very excited when they came in, due to them taking place in an era she finds particularly interesting.
For a while, Hanako and I say nothing, both absorbed in our respective books as a few tentative rays of sunlight filter through the canopy and a slight breeze rustles the leaves. I glance across at the dark haired girl beside me, watching her eyes dart from left to right, gracefully skimming the pages of her book. Rarely is this side of her seen, so calm and collected; like she’s a whole different person.
I feel happy that I can see her like this, that I can be just a little bit closer to her true self. And I realise how glad I am that she’s let me this far into her life. Strangely, I feel a small sense of success that I’ve succeeded where so many others have failed, that Hanako chose to accept me, of all people.
I file that thought away to think about later and try to just continue with my reading but the sun’s out in full now and its warmth, permeating the thick leaves above, has returned. Taking my jacket off, I put away my book and stretch out in the small patch of brightness.
I close my eyes and let myself relax, the faint rustling of the leaves blowing in the wind mixing with the chirping of the birds as they find new vigour in the sunlight seemingly the only sounds for miles around. I’d be drifting off by now if it weren’t for the fact that it’s only noon.
“Umm… H-hisao?”
After a while, I’m interrupted from my reverie by my softly-spoken companion.
“Yeah?” I don’t bother opening my eyes, it feels too good leaving them shut.
“You think of m-me as a… a friend, right?”
This time I turn to face her, I‘m surprised to see that she’s gotten closer to where I’m lying but I look her dead in the eye, a genuine smile creeps across my face.
“Of course I do, Hanako; You and Lilly both, why?”
I can visibly see her hesitating, her mouth trying to form words that her brain doesn’t want her to say. She holds her hands close to her neck and, her head cast down, looks up at me through her bangs.
“Would… would you ever t-think of me as… something else?”
“What do you mean?”
She breaks eye contact, her voice dropping to little more than a whisper as she looks away. She soldiers on, despite the slight tension growing between us.
“C-could you ever think of me… as something m-more?”
More than friends…
That’s… That’s pretty big to just spring on someone. Surprisingly, I’m not as shocked or taken aback by her question as I would be a mere few months ago; I guess I don’t see anything wrong with the idea.
I roll the notion around in my head, testing it. I’ve not really tried to analyse my feelings for Hanako before. I want to be there for her, that’s for sure. I want to see her grow as a person and protect her when she needs it but Are these feelings just friendship or are they something deeper? Something… more? More importantly; how am I supposed to tell?
I’ve read a few cheap romance novels — Much to my personal shame — but they all describe love as some kind of big, instantaneous, all-consuming thing but this feeling, if it really is love, is nothing like that; It’s far more complicated and confusing. Sure there are some times when I get that warm, comforting feeling but the novels never explain the other side, when It feels like you’re lost, mired in fog. When neither party acts the way they should, or says the things they should.
But I’m not naïve enough to believe in that mushy, love-at-first-sight crap. I would imagine love, like anything else, has its ups and downs. If living at Yamaku has taught me one thing, it’s that nothing’s perfect. But that doesn’t make life any less enjoyable. I realise that I should probably come up with an answer, I just don’t want to make a decision that could ruin our relationship.
Hanako’s still looking down; I expect she took my silence as denial.
“Hanako…”
“It’s okay” she whispers “You don’t h-have to say yes. I… I won’t break”
Hearing her say those words makes me realise how wrong my first impressions were; she’s not some kind of doll, delicate and fragile. She doesn’t need to be protected. She’s been through a lot more than most people can say and if the fact that she’s still here isn’t a testament to her strength, then I don’t know what is. I mentally kick myself for not thinking this through earlier. Meanwhile, Hanako’s face has fallen again, her eyes no longer meeting my own. When she speaks again, her voice is barely audible.
“I… I’m sorry, Hisao.”
She starts to get up, ready to head back to the school. I don’t move, I can’t stop thinking about how I could be so stupid as to not even think about Hanako’s feelings. Some friend I am.
“No, Hanako. I’m sorry.” She turns at my words, taken aback by my sudden reversal of her apology.
“I made a mistake thinking you were something fragile, like you were made of fine china, or something. I… I never realised how strong you were and I tried to wrap you up in cotton wool. For that, I apologise.”
My mouth’s gone dry but I carry on. I don’t know if I can stop now.
“It’s weird… I guess I was scared that you would break. I figured that, if I wanted to make you happy, I had to protect you from people, from the world. I never even thought about how you felt about that.”
My traitorous eyes are welling up now; I take a few deep breaths to calm myself before I steel myself, I’ve already gone too far to turn back now.
“You’re a beautiful person, Hanako. And I want nothing more than to make you happy. So if that’s what you meant by “something more” then yes, I do think about you as more than a friend, much more.”
Hanako kneels down beside me and I take her right hand in both of mine, she winces a little as I feel the contours of her scarred skin but she doesn’t remove her hand.
“I… I love you, Hanako. And I’m sorry I’ve been such an idiot”
She’s smiling now, the corners of her eyes slowly going damp. Delicately, she leans towards me and her lips brush mine. She wraps her arms around my neck and whispers in my ear.
“Thank you H-Hisao. For… for telling me that.”
For a while we just sit there, I hardly notice myself wrapping my own arms around her waist as if it were the most natural thing to do. I feel a soft tickling sensation as Hanako rests her face against mine, followed by a warmth spreading through my cheeks when she presses her lips lightly against them.
“I love you too, Hisao.”
Her warm breath grazes my ear and her grip tightens around my neck. Neither of us dare move for fear of spoiling the moment, so we simply stay entwined in one another’s arms, both revelling in the feel of another body so close to our own. Eventually Hanako disengages, looking uncertainly at the sky.
“We’d better get going. It’s going to r-rain again soon”
I glance upwards through the trees. Sure enough, the grey clouds have returned and they look just about ready to burst. I smile softly.
“Yeah. Good idea”
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