Bizarrer and Surrealier (Inside Hanako's head)
Posted: Fri Jul 19, 2013 8:53 am
You might think of it as a bonus scene to the original story.
Maybe a piece of something more? I really don't know. Yet.
1.1- changed some of my retardese into English
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This is so stupid. And embarrassing. And if he catches me, it'll be embarrassingly stupid. But will it be any worse if I actually succeed? What would Lilly think?
'Oh Hanako, there's no reason to feel shy or embarrassed. Just be a perfect, beautiful social butterfly like me and go talk to him. You know, like a normal girl would!'
Okay, maybe she wouldn't say the last bits. I doubt she actually feels like that. My jealousy shining through again. Competing with my social ineptitude and stupidity for attention. Wonderful.
I tiptoe through the school silently, something I've gotten good at the past few years. It's amazing how good I can be at not drawing attention to myself at times, while other times I'm as obvious as a car alarm. I follow him, timidly, keeping just enough space between us so I can see which turns he takes through the corridors before he disappears. I've had plenty of time to put my plan into action, but instead I'm chickening out and, for lack of a better term, stalking him.
It seems so simple: I follow him a little, call out his name, and say something to smooth over our little encounter in the library. 'Hey there Hisao! Sorry I had to run out on you earlier... literally... I just remembered I had to do some stuff... that very instant...' In books it always go well in a character's head before they muck it up for real. In Hanako's Modern Life, she can't even do it right in her head. My stomach sinks at the thought of what would happen if I actually go through with it.
We approach the boys' dormitory. Running out of time.
Stop thinking so negative! Think about all you could gain. He might forgive you! He might even want to talk some more! If that's a positive, why does it make me want to run into the woods and hide in a cave?
'First impression's are the most important!' I've always hated that saying, but it doesn't make it any less true. Unfortunately, my first impression has always been that of a freak, or a monster. Except to Lilly. But the day isn't over yet, right? Is there a time limit on first impressions? There should be. And it should be 24 hours. And how did I follow the first part of my first impression? I stuttered through a little small talk. And ran away like he was going to bite me. At least I got my name out, right?
So that's it. Act three is coming up, and it needs to make up for the abysmal first two. Easy, right? Think of it as a come from behind win. An unexpected checkmate when down on pieces. All I have to do is smooth talk my way through it. Oh. My. God. I'm doomed.
Finally, he stops at a room, and I jump back behind the corner, peeking out. He's juggling his key and his books. Come on Hanako, it's now or never! But then again... I could always try tomorrow...
No! Just do it now! I take a deep breath, gather my courage, and take two confident steps out from my hiding place. The door across from Hisao's bursts open suddenly, making him jump a little. I choke on my deep breath and trip over my courage as I scurry back around the corner.
"Who is it?!?!" a voice calls out angrily. Presumably Hisao's neighbor.
Have I been found out? How do I explain myself? I chance a peek around. A boy is sticking his head out of the door opposite Hisao's, capturing his attention. I recognize him, with the thick glasses and perennial scarf. He's in Lilly's class, and creeps me out. He looks down both ends of the hallway suspiciously, and I'm reminded why he scares me (even more so than most people). Besides the conspiracy rants, such as the one Hisao is about to suffer through right now, I can't really gauge his vision. Sometimes, he seems worse off than Lilly, and others, he can seemingly pick up small details, even from far away. Small details like my eyes creeping out from behind the wall.
I luck out, I guess. He continues his tirade without mentioning me, and Hisao never turns my way. I feel guilty, watching in awe as Hisao tries to have a normal conversation with him. Amazingly, it's kind of working. Hisao says something normal, Kenji says something crazy. Hisao explains why that's crazy, Kenji doesn't buy it. Repeat, repeat, repeat...
And then Hisao recounts our meeting in the library. Is it possible to die of embarrassment, much less do it while nobody can see you? He seems really broken up about it, like it was his fault. And I thought I felt worthless before...
My brain keeps telling my legs to carry me out of here, but somebody seems to have attached invisible weights to my feet to keep them from leaving the floor. Where were they when the cute, angsty new boy was trying to make smalltalk with me?
And then Kenji asks something that makes my head feel like it weighs a thousand pounds.
"A girl? A cute one?"
I don't know what this drooping feeling is. Can I actually feel my self esteem falling before it bounces off the ground? I should leave, and I try to walk out of earshot. Legs still aren't cooperating. I really am a glutton for punishment.
So I wait for the blow to come. I can already imagine what's going through his mind as he ponders the question. 'Dude, really?' 'Uhhh, not really my type' 'Is Harvey Dent cute?' or even worse: 'She seems like a nice enough person'. The latter is the worst to me, and likely the best to him. I close my eyes, waiting for the pain, as though he was actually about to stab a red hot poker into my heart. Hisao finally pipes up.
"Yeah, cute I guess,"
Well, what did you expe-wait what? I stifle a small gasp as the actual words sink in. Kenji blathers on about whatever he's blathering on about, and my mind drifts from the conversation. 'Yeah, cute I guess...'
Did he mean it? He wouldn't lie to Kenji, would he? Given Kenji's view of women, there would be no point in being polite. He didn't even think about it for that long... Is that a good thing or a bad thing? It sounded so sure, so decisive...
But he added an "I guess" at the end! Maybe he isn't certain! He might just be put off because of our...conversation. Would he definitely think I was cute if I could say an entire sentence to him without stuttering? Would he think I was pretty if I smiled and spoke eloquently like Lilly? Would he think I was beautiful if half my face wasn't ruined? More importantly, why do I care all of the sudden?
I snap back to my senses a little. Apparently, while I was lost in thought I leaned myself against the wall. And started chewing on my knuckle. And covered my face. I hear Kenji mention something about graphs and feminists, and then the two of them retire to their respective rooms. I finally breathe out. Was I holding my breath the entire time? That might explain why my legs weren't working, and why I leaned against the wall.
My feet are willing to move again, thankfully. I sneak back towards the girls' dorms. I'll apologize to him later, maybe during class. I tell myself it's because it's late, and he's likely exhausted from a long day (not to mention a conversation with Kenji). But that isn't true. I really want time to decipher what Hisao meant before I talk to him again. Speaking of mysteries, why do I feel so weightless as I wander back to my room?
Maybe a piece of something more? I really don't know. Yet.
1.1- changed some of my retardese into English
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is so stupid. And embarrassing. And if he catches me, it'll be embarrassingly stupid. But will it be any worse if I actually succeed? What would Lilly think?
'Oh Hanako, there's no reason to feel shy or embarrassed. Just be a perfect, beautiful social butterfly like me and go talk to him. You know, like a normal girl would!'
Okay, maybe she wouldn't say the last bits. I doubt she actually feels like that. My jealousy shining through again. Competing with my social ineptitude and stupidity for attention. Wonderful.
I tiptoe through the school silently, something I've gotten good at the past few years. It's amazing how good I can be at not drawing attention to myself at times, while other times I'm as obvious as a car alarm. I follow him, timidly, keeping just enough space between us so I can see which turns he takes through the corridors before he disappears. I've had plenty of time to put my plan into action, but instead I'm chickening out and, for lack of a better term, stalking him.
It seems so simple: I follow him a little, call out his name, and say something to smooth over our little encounter in the library. 'Hey there Hisao! Sorry I had to run out on you earlier... literally... I just remembered I had to do some stuff... that very instant...' In books it always go well in a character's head before they muck it up for real. In Hanako's Modern Life, she can't even do it right in her head. My stomach sinks at the thought of what would happen if I actually go through with it.
We approach the boys' dormitory. Running out of time.
Stop thinking so negative! Think about all you could gain. He might forgive you! He might even want to talk some more! If that's a positive, why does it make me want to run into the woods and hide in a cave?
'First impression's are the most important!' I've always hated that saying, but it doesn't make it any less true. Unfortunately, my first impression has always been that of a freak, or a monster. Except to Lilly. But the day isn't over yet, right? Is there a time limit on first impressions? There should be. And it should be 24 hours. And how did I follow the first part of my first impression? I stuttered through a little small talk. And ran away like he was going to bite me. At least I got my name out, right?
So that's it. Act three is coming up, and it needs to make up for the abysmal first two. Easy, right? Think of it as a come from behind win. An unexpected checkmate when down on pieces. All I have to do is smooth talk my way through it. Oh. My. God. I'm doomed.
Finally, he stops at a room, and I jump back behind the corner, peeking out. He's juggling his key and his books. Come on Hanako, it's now or never! But then again... I could always try tomorrow...
No! Just do it now! I take a deep breath, gather my courage, and take two confident steps out from my hiding place. The door across from Hisao's bursts open suddenly, making him jump a little. I choke on my deep breath and trip over my courage as I scurry back around the corner.
"Who is it?!?!" a voice calls out angrily. Presumably Hisao's neighbor.
Have I been found out? How do I explain myself? I chance a peek around. A boy is sticking his head out of the door opposite Hisao's, capturing his attention. I recognize him, with the thick glasses and perennial scarf. He's in Lilly's class, and creeps me out. He looks down both ends of the hallway suspiciously, and I'm reminded why he scares me (even more so than most people). Besides the conspiracy rants, such as the one Hisao is about to suffer through right now, I can't really gauge his vision. Sometimes, he seems worse off than Lilly, and others, he can seemingly pick up small details, even from far away. Small details like my eyes creeping out from behind the wall.
I luck out, I guess. He continues his tirade without mentioning me, and Hisao never turns my way. I feel guilty, watching in awe as Hisao tries to have a normal conversation with him. Amazingly, it's kind of working. Hisao says something normal, Kenji says something crazy. Hisao explains why that's crazy, Kenji doesn't buy it. Repeat, repeat, repeat...
And then Hisao recounts our meeting in the library. Is it possible to die of embarrassment, much less do it while nobody can see you? He seems really broken up about it, like it was his fault. And I thought I felt worthless before...
My brain keeps telling my legs to carry me out of here, but somebody seems to have attached invisible weights to my feet to keep them from leaving the floor. Where were they when the cute, angsty new boy was trying to make smalltalk with me?
And then Kenji asks something that makes my head feel like it weighs a thousand pounds.
"A girl? A cute one?"
I don't know what this drooping feeling is. Can I actually feel my self esteem falling before it bounces off the ground? I should leave, and I try to walk out of earshot. Legs still aren't cooperating. I really am a glutton for punishment.
So I wait for the blow to come. I can already imagine what's going through his mind as he ponders the question. 'Dude, really?' 'Uhhh, not really my type' 'Is Harvey Dent cute?' or even worse: 'She seems like a nice enough person'. The latter is the worst to me, and likely the best to him. I close my eyes, waiting for the pain, as though he was actually about to stab a red hot poker into my heart. Hisao finally pipes up.
"Yeah, cute I guess,"
Well, what did you expe-wait what? I stifle a small gasp as the actual words sink in. Kenji blathers on about whatever he's blathering on about, and my mind drifts from the conversation. 'Yeah, cute I guess...'
Did he mean it? He wouldn't lie to Kenji, would he? Given Kenji's view of women, there would be no point in being polite. He didn't even think about it for that long... Is that a good thing or a bad thing? It sounded so sure, so decisive...
But he added an "I guess" at the end! Maybe he isn't certain! He might just be put off because of our...conversation. Would he definitely think I was cute if I could say an entire sentence to him without stuttering? Would he think I was pretty if I smiled and spoke eloquently like Lilly? Would he think I was beautiful if half my face wasn't ruined? More importantly, why do I care all of the sudden?
I snap back to my senses a little. Apparently, while I was lost in thought I leaned myself against the wall. And started chewing on my knuckle. And covered my face. I hear Kenji mention something about graphs and feminists, and then the two of them retire to their respective rooms. I finally breathe out. Was I holding my breath the entire time? That might explain why my legs weren't working, and why I leaned against the wall.
My feet are willing to move again, thankfully. I sneak back towards the girls' dorms. I'll apologize to him later, maybe during class. I tell myself it's because it's late, and he's likely exhausted from a long day (not to mention a conversation with Kenji). But that isn't true. I really want time to decipher what Hisao meant before I talk to him again. Speaking of mysteries, why do I feel so weightless as I wander back to my room?
