Everybody's Hands (Misha x Miki)
Posted: Tue Apr 09, 2013 1:18 am
Just a little something that I've had in my head for like a year, but never really fleshed out.
Apologies if the concept has already been done.
This is just a vignette and it's meant to stand alone, but I might write more on the subject sometime.
Everybody’s Hands
Fifteen minutes after midnight. Oh god. I’m late. Is that okay? Am I supposed to show up a little late, or would it seem too… eager for me to show up on time?
I sure spent enough time looking at myself in the mirror and wondering if I looked alright… it’s not like this is a date or anything. I mean, maybe it is. I dunno. What would I know about that kind of thing? I don’t even know what this is all about. I just got a note from Miki in class... it seems like a long way to walk, all the way out to town, just to go to a park. There's plenty of parks on the school grounds...
“Misha!”
Miki waves at me from where she’s sitting Indian-style in the grass. It’s so dark out, especially with all the shade of the trees under the moonlight, I wouldn’t have been able to see her if she didn’t call out to me. I must be visibly startled because she’s laughing at me. I don’t really like being laughed at, especially by girls… well… by girls like her. She reminds me a lot of the girls in my old school. Why she wants to hang out with a student council nerd like me, I have no idea.
“Didn’t mean to scare ya. Come on over here!”
She’s frowning at me. I must be frowning, too, so I do my best to put on a smile. My best is pretty good.
“Hey Miki!” I wave back at her, the sleeve of my oversized hoodie flapping around as if I were flagging her down.
The good news is that I didn’t underdress. I thought a lot harder about my outfit than you’d guess by looking at me. Just a hoodie, my skirt and some leggings to keep me warm. It’s pretty chilly out. Miki must be cold because she’s obviously wearing whatever she wore to her track meet, which must have been hours ago. Did she even go home? Didn’t she shower after? Why doesn’t she care what she looks like in front of me? And wait, why should that bother me? Stop being stupid, Misha.
Miki clears her throat to remind me that I’m still standing. She pats the grass beside her. Oh god. Beside her. Not across from her. What does that mean? What’s going on?
Her expression turns concerned. “Hey Misha, you alright bud? You look a little flushed.”
Stop it, Misha. This isn’t you. You’re not being yourself right now.
“Haha, sorry, I’m just a little tired,” I tell her, as I force a little skip into my step to compensate. Suddenly I’m reminded how long it’s been since I hung out with someone other than Shicchan and Hicchan. It’s like I can’t even remember how to talk to someone without having all of my lines fed to me.
I sit down cross-legged beside her and I guess it’s my turn to say something, but what? She tilts her head and gives me that smirk of hers. She’s really cute, but in a way that makes me sort of angry. Like, “in-crowd” cute. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her wear makeup but she always just looks so sure of herself. Girls like me have to work so hard just to have enough confidence to leave the house, but Miki looks like she could roll out of bed and leave the house in five minutes with her head held high and not let it bug her. I wish I didn’t hate people like her so much… she’s being so nice to me right now. I just don’t know what to do.
I’d like to tell her how pretty she is. I dunno. I shouldn’t do that. Should I?
“Sure is a night nice,” I say. “Uh, a nice night.”
She leans back on her elbows and stretches out her legs, looking up at the stars. It was the first thing that came to mind for me to say but it’s not bad for an opener, I guess. I can’t help staring at her bare legs. I sigh. I know what I really want to ask her but I have to work up to that.
“Yeah,” she says. “Absolutely beautiful out, right? I come here a lot on nights like this to just hang out. Nobody ever uses this park this late. Oh hey! You don’t have your uh, what you call em.” She motions to her face with her uh, stump? What do you call that? I can’t believe I’ve never figured out the right word to use after being in Yamaku for so long.
I took my hood down while she was talking and completely forgot that she’s probably never seen me with my hair all normal. I instinctively reach up and touch my face. She’s looking at me. I can practically feel her scrutinizing me. I hate that feeling.
“Well, yeah, I took a shower when I got home so I’m just wearing it back now. It takes a LONG time to style it, you know. Being cute is hard work!” I try to laugh, but she sees right through me, raising her eyebrow. Nothing gets past girls like her. Maybe that’s the real reason I don’t like them.
She smiles though. She’s obviously humouring me. I guess there’s worse ways she could be acting. It’s pretty rotten of me to sit here secretly hating her when she’s being so sweet to me.
I love her smile. It’s so… honest. How does she pull it off? I wonder if I could smile like that.
“I think it’s a good look for you,” she adds. “I didn’t know your ears were so cute. Maybe you should wear it like that more, or cut it shorter.”
My other hand goes up to my face. Now both of my hands are on my face. I must look like a complete nerd right now. I lower them into my lap but it doesn’t feel like enough. I should have just left my hood up.
What should I say? Should I tell her she’s pretty, too? Before I can come up with something she laughs at me again. I wish she knew how much it bothered me. I laugh too. I guess that’s the best thing to do.
I hope she’s not getting bored. Come on Misha. Make small talk. Chat with her about something. Anything. Don’t be stupid. And don’t look so uptight.
Yeah, I’m right. I need to relax. I lean back on my hands and straighten out my legs, more like how Miki’s sitting, and I stare over at the nearby playground equipment for a long time before saying something again.
“We have a playground JUST like that in my hometown!” I say, pointing at it with my chin. “I used to love parks like this when I was little.”
Miki doesn’t say anything. Wait. Did I say something wrong? I want to turn and look at her but I’m too worried about what I’ll see on her face…
“Me too,” she says, her voice faltering a bit. “I haven’t been on a swingset for years, though. I dunno how it is with you, Misha, but I’m still getting used to all the things that I can’t do anymore.”
Oh. Oh, right. Right. How the hell did I screw that up so bad… stupid Misha… of all the things you could talk about…
Miki elbows me and I turn to look at her. She’s smirking. Was she just making fun of me?
“It’s like you’ve never talked to a katawa in your life, Misha! How come you’re being all weird right now? This doesn’t seem like you at all. Is it hard to think of what to say when you’re not busy being the official voice of the student council, or what?”
I sigh and force another smile. She’s being mean again, but I don’t think she’s doing it on purpose. And even if she is, I was probably asking for it.
“So uh,” I clear my throat. Keep it cool, Misha. “So like, what did you want to talk about?”
Miki lays on her side, facing me, propping up her head with her hand. It feels really intimate all of a sudden. I wonder if she’s doing this on purpose. Maybe it’s not just her. Maybe she isn’t even really… like that…
“I was just wondering. Do you have a girlfriend?”
I inhale sharply. I mean, gotta keep breathing, right? It’s normal to breathe. I can’t just stop breathing at a time like this. Yeah, exhale. That’s right.
“Uhh, no… c-can't say that I do...”
So just like that, like it meant nothing to her, she just drops that bomb on me and it says so much. I mean, I always kind of suspected people knew about me and Shizune, but how? Who would Shizune tell? How many people know? What kinds of things are people saying about me behind my back?
Miki laughs again and touches my hand. Thanks a LOT, Miki. Like that’s supposed to make it any better.
But it does. Oh boy. Does it ever. Exhale, Misha! Good girl, Misha.
“You guys are a bunch of prudes,” Miki says. “Everyone at Yamaku acts like it’s such a big deal that not everyone’s into the same shit that they are. I was lucky, my old school was super understanding and most of the teachers were really cool. I mean, there were a few dinosaurs, but they’re everywhere, you know?”
Dinosaurs? Uh…
I scratch the back of my neck. I don’t know if Miki realizes how much she’s dumping on me all at once. I’ve hardly talked to anyone at Yamaku about this. Not like I really talk to a lot of people at Yamaku other than Shizune anyways.
She lays on her back and stretches out, looking up at the stars, her hands… uh, hand… you know what I mean… behind her head.
“That’s not true,” I say.
She glances at me. “What?”
“We’re not all prudes,” I add. “The track captain is uh, gay… and people are okay with that.”
She shakes her head with that smile of hers again. “Yeah, you might think so, but not everyone’s super cool with it. You don’t know what people say about him behind his back. You’re never going to get everyone to see things your way, I guess, but the fact that it’s even an issue is what bugs me. It’s hard enough being gay to begin with. Having everyone treat you like a political statement gets to you after a while.”
“Miki?”
“Yeah?”
I sit up. I can’t look relaxed, no matter how much I try. She maintains eye contact with me. She’s not kidding around anymore. Obviously she’s trying to make a connection or something. How much does she know, anyways?
“Why do you think I’m gay?”
“Are you?” she asks.
I bite my lip. She’s trying to play games with me. Gotta keep my cool here.
“Listen,” she says, softening her tone. “If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. I’m sorry I bugged you. I just remember going through a lot of bullshit myself and I thought you might like having someone to talk to about it. I mean, I would have loved having a friend at a time like that, when I was still, you know, figuring shit out.”
It’s true. Of course it’s true, everything she’s saying. But I don’t know what I’m supposed to say here. What if this is just a big joke? What if Miki just wants something to go and laugh about with her track buddies? How do I know I can even trust her? I know how girls like her can be…
“Hey dude,” she says, hoisting herself up on her elbows. “It’s okay.”
I’m crying a little. I’m sure she can see that I’m shaking. I was hoping she wouldn’t be able to see the tears in the dark, but I guess I’m busted. I can’t even say anything. If I say something, she’ll hear it. She’ll hear it in my voice. Gotta try to keep it down…
Her hand touches mine again. This time she gives it a little squeeze. She can’t be lying. No. This has to be real. She has to mean it.
“I mean it,” she says, as if she’s reading my mind. I hate being this transparent, especially with someone I hardly know. And yet it’s like she already knows everything about me.
“I won’t tell anyone,” she adds. “I can keep a secret.”
“Oh, right,” I say, my voice cracking despite my best efforts. “Like it’s a big secret! You knew about it, didn’t you?”
She strokes my hand with hers. The contact feels so nice. It would calm me down if it didn’t get me so worked up…
“Nobody knows,” Miki says. “People talk shit but it’s all just rumours. I’m sure every girl in the school has had someone tell a rumour about them, but that doesn’t mean people actually believe it. I just felt like taking a chance on yours, in case it was true. You know?”
She’s so confident. So bold. It’s starting to rub off on me a little. How can someone be so okay with this? What are her parents like? There are so many questions I want to ask her…
“But hey,” she says. “If it makes you feel better, how about I tell you a secret about me?”
“You mean like, other than the one you already told me?”
She winks at me. “No, I mean a real secret. You’d be the first one I told, I promise. I bet you can even guess what it is. It has something to do with this.” She lifts her uh, amputated limb and shows it to me. What? Does she want me to guess how she lost it or something? Not gonna happen…
“I give up,” I say.
“I’m left-handed!” she says with a grin. I feel myself starting to smile. It’s not mean of me to laugh at her, right? She’s the one bringing it up.
“Ohhh man, that SUCKS!” I say. We both start laughing, and the whole time she never breaks eye contact with me. She’s got the warmest, most friendly, inoffensive look on her face. She’s really pretty, but maybe that’s not why I’m jealous of her after all. Maybe I wish I could be that comfortable in my own skin. Well, maybe it will come with time. I’ve gotten so used to just not thinking about this stuff, just wishing that I could forget it all and be like anyone else.
I spring to my feet and snap my fingers to alert her to a stroke of genius that I just had like, this very second.
“Hey Miki! What good is it coming to a playground and sitting on the grass, anyways? We should go on the swings!”
She chuckles. “Easier said than done, pal. I don’t know if you noticed but my swinging days are over.”
I grab her arm – her left arm – and hoist her up. “Nope! I didn’t notice a thing. Didn’t anyone tell you, Miki? I’m more than just the voice of the student council. I’m also everyone else’s hands!”
Apologies if the concept has already been done.
This is just a vignette and it's meant to stand alone, but I might write more on the subject sometime.
Everybody’s Hands
Fifteen minutes after midnight. Oh god. I’m late. Is that okay? Am I supposed to show up a little late, or would it seem too… eager for me to show up on time?
I sure spent enough time looking at myself in the mirror and wondering if I looked alright… it’s not like this is a date or anything. I mean, maybe it is. I dunno. What would I know about that kind of thing? I don’t even know what this is all about. I just got a note from Miki in class... it seems like a long way to walk, all the way out to town, just to go to a park. There's plenty of parks on the school grounds...
“Misha!”
Miki waves at me from where she’s sitting Indian-style in the grass. It’s so dark out, especially with all the shade of the trees under the moonlight, I wouldn’t have been able to see her if she didn’t call out to me. I must be visibly startled because she’s laughing at me. I don’t really like being laughed at, especially by girls… well… by girls like her. She reminds me a lot of the girls in my old school. Why she wants to hang out with a student council nerd like me, I have no idea.
“Didn’t mean to scare ya. Come on over here!”
She’s frowning at me. I must be frowning, too, so I do my best to put on a smile. My best is pretty good.
“Hey Miki!” I wave back at her, the sleeve of my oversized hoodie flapping around as if I were flagging her down.
The good news is that I didn’t underdress. I thought a lot harder about my outfit than you’d guess by looking at me. Just a hoodie, my skirt and some leggings to keep me warm. It’s pretty chilly out. Miki must be cold because she’s obviously wearing whatever she wore to her track meet, which must have been hours ago. Did she even go home? Didn’t she shower after? Why doesn’t she care what she looks like in front of me? And wait, why should that bother me? Stop being stupid, Misha.
Miki clears her throat to remind me that I’m still standing. She pats the grass beside her. Oh god. Beside her. Not across from her. What does that mean? What’s going on?
Her expression turns concerned. “Hey Misha, you alright bud? You look a little flushed.”
Stop it, Misha. This isn’t you. You’re not being yourself right now.
“Haha, sorry, I’m just a little tired,” I tell her, as I force a little skip into my step to compensate. Suddenly I’m reminded how long it’s been since I hung out with someone other than Shicchan and Hicchan. It’s like I can’t even remember how to talk to someone without having all of my lines fed to me.
I sit down cross-legged beside her and I guess it’s my turn to say something, but what? She tilts her head and gives me that smirk of hers. She’s really cute, but in a way that makes me sort of angry. Like, “in-crowd” cute. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her wear makeup but she always just looks so sure of herself. Girls like me have to work so hard just to have enough confidence to leave the house, but Miki looks like she could roll out of bed and leave the house in five minutes with her head held high and not let it bug her. I wish I didn’t hate people like her so much… she’s being so nice to me right now. I just don’t know what to do.
I’d like to tell her how pretty she is. I dunno. I shouldn’t do that. Should I?
“Sure is a night nice,” I say. “Uh, a nice night.”
She leans back on her elbows and stretches out her legs, looking up at the stars. It was the first thing that came to mind for me to say but it’s not bad for an opener, I guess. I can’t help staring at her bare legs. I sigh. I know what I really want to ask her but I have to work up to that.
“Yeah,” she says. “Absolutely beautiful out, right? I come here a lot on nights like this to just hang out. Nobody ever uses this park this late. Oh hey! You don’t have your uh, what you call em.” She motions to her face with her uh, stump? What do you call that? I can’t believe I’ve never figured out the right word to use after being in Yamaku for so long.
I took my hood down while she was talking and completely forgot that she’s probably never seen me with my hair all normal. I instinctively reach up and touch my face. She’s looking at me. I can practically feel her scrutinizing me. I hate that feeling.
“Well, yeah, I took a shower when I got home so I’m just wearing it back now. It takes a LONG time to style it, you know. Being cute is hard work!” I try to laugh, but she sees right through me, raising her eyebrow. Nothing gets past girls like her. Maybe that’s the real reason I don’t like them.
She smiles though. She’s obviously humouring me. I guess there’s worse ways she could be acting. It’s pretty rotten of me to sit here secretly hating her when she’s being so sweet to me.
I love her smile. It’s so… honest. How does she pull it off? I wonder if I could smile like that.
“I think it’s a good look for you,” she adds. “I didn’t know your ears were so cute. Maybe you should wear it like that more, or cut it shorter.”
My other hand goes up to my face. Now both of my hands are on my face. I must look like a complete nerd right now. I lower them into my lap but it doesn’t feel like enough. I should have just left my hood up.
What should I say? Should I tell her she’s pretty, too? Before I can come up with something she laughs at me again. I wish she knew how much it bothered me. I laugh too. I guess that’s the best thing to do.
I hope she’s not getting bored. Come on Misha. Make small talk. Chat with her about something. Anything. Don’t be stupid. And don’t look so uptight.
Yeah, I’m right. I need to relax. I lean back on my hands and straighten out my legs, more like how Miki’s sitting, and I stare over at the nearby playground equipment for a long time before saying something again.
“We have a playground JUST like that in my hometown!” I say, pointing at it with my chin. “I used to love parks like this when I was little.”
Miki doesn’t say anything. Wait. Did I say something wrong? I want to turn and look at her but I’m too worried about what I’ll see on her face…
“Me too,” she says, her voice faltering a bit. “I haven’t been on a swingset for years, though. I dunno how it is with you, Misha, but I’m still getting used to all the things that I can’t do anymore.”
Oh. Oh, right. Right. How the hell did I screw that up so bad… stupid Misha… of all the things you could talk about…
Miki elbows me and I turn to look at her. She’s smirking. Was she just making fun of me?
“It’s like you’ve never talked to a katawa in your life, Misha! How come you’re being all weird right now? This doesn’t seem like you at all. Is it hard to think of what to say when you’re not busy being the official voice of the student council, or what?”
I sigh and force another smile. She’s being mean again, but I don’t think she’s doing it on purpose. And even if she is, I was probably asking for it.
“So uh,” I clear my throat. Keep it cool, Misha. “So like, what did you want to talk about?”
Miki lays on her side, facing me, propping up her head with her hand. It feels really intimate all of a sudden. I wonder if she’s doing this on purpose. Maybe it’s not just her. Maybe she isn’t even really… like that…
“I was just wondering. Do you have a girlfriend?”
I inhale sharply. I mean, gotta keep breathing, right? It’s normal to breathe. I can’t just stop breathing at a time like this. Yeah, exhale. That’s right.
“Uhh, no… c-can't say that I do...”
So just like that, like it meant nothing to her, she just drops that bomb on me and it says so much. I mean, I always kind of suspected people knew about me and Shizune, but how? Who would Shizune tell? How many people know? What kinds of things are people saying about me behind my back?
Miki laughs again and touches my hand. Thanks a LOT, Miki. Like that’s supposed to make it any better.
But it does. Oh boy. Does it ever. Exhale, Misha! Good girl, Misha.
“You guys are a bunch of prudes,” Miki says. “Everyone at Yamaku acts like it’s such a big deal that not everyone’s into the same shit that they are. I was lucky, my old school was super understanding and most of the teachers were really cool. I mean, there were a few dinosaurs, but they’re everywhere, you know?”
Dinosaurs? Uh…
I scratch the back of my neck. I don’t know if Miki realizes how much she’s dumping on me all at once. I’ve hardly talked to anyone at Yamaku about this. Not like I really talk to a lot of people at Yamaku other than Shizune anyways.
She lays on her back and stretches out, looking up at the stars, her hands… uh, hand… you know what I mean… behind her head.
“That’s not true,” I say.
She glances at me. “What?”
“We’re not all prudes,” I add. “The track captain is uh, gay… and people are okay with that.”
She shakes her head with that smile of hers again. “Yeah, you might think so, but not everyone’s super cool with it. You don’t know what people say about him behind his back. You’re never going to get everyone to see things your way, I guess, but the fact that it’s even an issue is what bugs me. It’s hard enough being gay to begin with. Having everyone treat you like a political statement gets to you after a while.”
“Miki?”
“Yeah?”
I sit up. I can’t look relaxed, no matter how much I try. She maintains eye contact with me. She’s not kidding around anymore. Obviously she’s trying to make a connection or something. How much does she know, anyways?
“Why do you think I’m gay?”
“Are you?” she asks.
I bite my lip. She’s trying to play games with me. Gotta keep my cool here.
“Listen,” she says, softening her tone. “If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. I’m sorry I bugged you. I just remember going through a lot of bullshit myself and I thought you might like having someone to talk to about it. I mean, I would have loved having a friend at a time like that, when I was still, you know, figuring shit out.”
It’s true. Of course it’s true, everything she’s saying. But I don’t know what I’m supposed to say here. What if this is just a big joke? What if Miki just wants something to go and laugh about with her track buddies? How do I know I can even trust her? I know how girls like her can be…
“Hey dude,” she says, hoisting herself up on her elbows. “It’s okay.”
I’m crying a little. I’m sure she can see that I’m shaking. I was hoping she wouldn’t be able to see the tears in the dark, but I guess I’m busted. I can’t even say anything. If I say something, she’ll hear it. She’ll hear it in my voice. Gotta try to keep it down…
Her hand touches mine again. This time she gives it a little squeeze. She can’t be lying. No. This has to be real. She has to mean it.
“I mean it,” she says, as if she’s reading my mind. I hate being this transparent, especially with someone I hardly know. And yet it’s like she already knows everything about me.
“I won’t tell anyone,” she adds. “I can keep a secret.”
“Oh, right,” I say, my voice cracking despite my best efforts. “Like it’s a big secret! You knew about it, didn’t you?”
She strokes my hand with hers. The contact feels so nice. It would calm me down if it didn’t get me so worked up…
“Nobody knows,” Miki says. “People talk shit but it’s all just rumours. I’m sure every girl in the school has had someone tell a rumour about them, but that doesn’t mean people actually believe it. I just felt like taking a chance on yours, in case it was true. You know?”
She’s so confident. So bold. It’s starting to rub off on me a little. How can someone be so okay with this? What are her parents like? There are so many questions I want to ask her…
“But hey,” she says. “If it makes you feel better, how about I tell you a secret about me?”
“You mean like, other than the one you already told me?”
She winks at me. “No, I mean a real secret. You’d be the first one I told, I promise. I bet you can even guess what it is. It has something to do with this.” She lifts her uh, amputated limb and shows it to me. What? Does she want me to guess how she lost it or something? Not gonna happen…
“I give up,” I say.
“I’m left-handed!” she says with a grin. I feel myself starting to smile. It’s not mean of me to laugh at her, right? She’s the one bringing it up.
“Ohhh man, that SUCKS!” I say. We both start laughing, and the whole time she never breaks eye contact with me. She’s got the warmest, most friendly, inoffensive look on her face. She’s really pretty, but maybe that’s not why I’m jealous of her after all. Maybe I wish I could be that comfortable in my own skin. Well, maybe it will come with time. I’ve gotten so used to just not thinking about this stuff, just wishing that I could forget it all and be like anyone else.
I spring to my feet and snap my fingers to alert her to a stroke of genius that I just had like, this very second.
“Hey Miki! What good is it coming to a playground and sitting on the grass, anyways? We should go on the swings!”
She chuckles. “Easier said than done, pal. I don’t know if you noticed but my swinging days are over.”
I grab her arm – her left arm – and hoist her up. “Nope! I didn’t notice a thing. Didn’t anyone tell you, Miki? I’m more than just the voice of the student council. I’m also everyone else’s hands!”
