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Painter on the Road (Takashi and Friends/WIP Title)

Posted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 9:26 pm
by Marching Can
So, here's my first Katawa Shoujo fic, hope people enjoy it and let me know where I can improve, whether or not I should continue this at all, and other things.

Pastebin: http://pastebin.com/BXv4n2Bk
Here's a short reading guide for certain details about current and future things planned for this, spoiler'd because I know someone out there might want to go into this blind.

- Yoshiro/Yoshi Lastunameupendingu is the Lelouch replacement in 3-3
- Every non-named character from the CGs has been given at least a first name, so I'll be happy to point out who's who in later posts if you get confused.
- Chronologically speaking, the prologue takes place a few weeks or so before Hisao shows up.
- This is not a Takashi route for Hisao.
- I'd like to hear opinions on things like romantic options, so far I'm thinking of three possible candidates: Molly Kapur, Rin Tezuka and Suzu Suzuki
- Also, opinions on introducing family members for established characters, ie. Rin's family.

Other than that, I don't want to reveal too much else. Please enjoy.

Prologue - Family…

'Please' is a magic word. That's what my parents told me, that's what a lot of parents all over the world tell their children. It's something to do with the golden rule; treat others how you'd like to be treated. Saying please because, if the roles were reversed, they'd do whatever you asked them to if you asked with the same polite, magical word.

That being said, I think the original request has to be reasonable first. When you have a little sister with an addiction to arcade cabinets and claw machines, and you're saving up your money, there isn't much to think about in the way of reason.

"There is no way I am giving you money to go blow on arcades," I say, staring right into her little green eyes, trying to match her death glare with my own. I'm unsure of whether or not she's genuinely annoyed with me, but I'm pretty ticked off myself.

I really hate malls, for reasons that are pretty obvious but are apparently worth ignoring for the sake of 'keeping the family together'. One family outing, once a month, because they didn't see enough of me. When I first moved into the dorms in Yamaku, I thought I wouldn't have to bother with them anymore, and especially not have to sit outside a blaring arcade while my sister was hemorrhaging money in it.

I blame myself, really; I didn't have the foresight to think that my moving would make things worse.

"You're a real jackass, you know that?" she puffs out her cheeks, frowning hard. She's been too sweet for too long to even pretend to look like she could burst, though.

"Hey, no swears during an outing, you know how--"

"Oh come on Takashi," she cuts me off. I already know what point she's going to make, "You swear like a… Like a…"

I perk a brow and grin, but I feel merciful enough to help her out instead of watching her squirm. "Like a sailor."

She almost repeats me, but instead scrunches up her face even further. She's curled up her hands into tiny fists right now, and she…

The watery eyes let me know I've done something terribly stupid again.

"Kiyomi…" There are a lot of things that I can't stand about my sister, but the worst of it is her crying, not because it bugs me, but because, well. She might be a little sister, but she's MY little sister.

Except that isn't how this happens at all. She closes her eyes…

Takes a deep breath…

And sighs.

"You really are an asshole."

She turns away and leaves without saying anything else. If she's crying, I don't see it, and I definitely don't hear it, between the din of the shopping mall crowds and the ringing in my ear.

At home, before I moved out, she would really let me know just how upset I made her. Her honesty was either charming and rewarding or downright terrifying. She emulates father like that. I think I'm more like mother, more reserved about it.

No wonder we were always at odds with each other.

It does take me a moment, but I push myself from my seat facing the arcade doors and head out to find her. She might be half my age, but she's no idiot; I know exactly where I'll find her.

---

When I reach Kiyomi, she's walking hand in hand with father away from the clothing store, looking like she held down her tears well enough. Father gives me a look that confirms what I already knew would happen.

I muster up as much of an apologetic feeling as I can when he does. I do feel pretty bad about it, really. "Listen, Kiyomi…"

"It's fine, Takashi," father interrupts, putting on a half-smile. Kiyomi just looks at her feet, so I can't meet her eye. It makes me feel like I wasted my one shot at it. I catch a lump of regret in my throat as they walk by, brushing past me in silence.

Fine is a terrible word. It's a placeholder for what you really want to say when things obviously aren't okay, meaning it wasn't in Kiyomi's vocabulary.

I'm still standing here, in a swelling crowd beginning to leave the mall. My dad's head starts shrinking into the distance, and I'm struck by an idea.

I guess all this time apart really has caused us to drift.

But, that's what I wanted. To get away from all that. Right?

I follow after them before I lose myself in a sea of people and my own thoughts.

---

It's a silent car ride back to Yamaku, which usually I'd be thankful for. At least, I think I would be, since they're never, ever this quiet.

I watch out the window as the city disappears between the mountains. The area really is special, and even though I was brought up in the city, I've always had an appreciation for nature and the outdoors. Any excuse to replace noise with more pleasant noise, I suppose.

Father flicks his head around, as if he wants to speak, but decides against it at the last second after seeing us. Kiyomi's looking out the other window, and in the reflection I can see she's almost as uncomfortable with the silence as I am.

"Since when did you swear, sis?"

Masterstroke, Takashi.

She throws me a wide-eyed glare, pursing her lips together. Father's eyes go wide too, although his are far more subdued.

"Kiyomi, what's our rule?"

We all spend the next few seconds mentally revising it before Kiyomi says it out loud, "No swearing during a family outing."

"Exactly," father nods his head, eyes sticking to the road ahead. I notice that he swallows, too. It was a rule he'd thought up, and for the most part it worked. It took some getting used to, but I got the hang of it in the end. Mother did her best, but she never tried too hard. 'The language was tougher than the rule,' she'd say. She'd say a lot of other things about toughness, but even she had a soft spot for Kiyomi when she turned on the waterworks after too many broken rules.

I might take after mother a little, but I don't think I miss her all that much.

"So Takashi gets to swear, and I don't?"

Her trying to argue with father was a second, new thing to me.

"Hey, he never swears when we're together, we both know that," he shrugs it off with an honest answer, never one to argue with his kids. Kiyomi, on the other hand, looks like she's going to keep up the attack.

"He swears all the time at school! And I never say anything like that at home!"

I do feel a little glad that she hasn't changed that part of her personality. However, I'm then overcome with a higher, mixed dosage of curiosity and irritation.

"Who told you that I swear at school?" I look at her, trying to seem more dismissive than angry.

She doesn't pick up on it though, still talking at father, "Why does he get to do that and I don't?"

"Because," he starts, slowly formulating the answer as he says it, "He's a grownup, and he gets to make grownup decisions about his behaviour, even if they aren't ones you or I agree with."

That sounds pretty reasonable, actually, even ignoring the obvious shift in tone as he finished up. I wasn't winning any points with him, but it sounded like he understood where I was coming from. I offer Kiyomi an apologetic smile, hoping that it conveys that train of thought well enough.

"I'd hate to grow up to be anything like him."

She fumbles over her own bitterness, which isn't all that surprising. She was never spiteful or able to hold a grudge, she was probably the kindest person I had ever known, even towards someone like me. Which is why those words sting so bad. She looks away, hiding her expression from the car window's reflection by keeping her head down.

Father looks stunned as well. I wouldn't have been surprised if he had slammed the brakes on just to emphasise how stunned he was, but he keeps his momentum as the snaking road and mountains give way to the sight of the little town under Yamaku. Such an out of the way, faraway place…

The end of the trip is just as silent as it was at the start, but now I know I would have preferred the old, happier conversations, even if I never participated in them. I'm not sure if it would have made much of a difference.

To be continued: Right now!

Re: Painter on the Road (Takashi and Friends/WIP Title)

Posted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 9:27 pm
by Marching Can
Continued from: Prologue: Family...

When we finally pull up at the school gates, I start to wonder if the rest of the day is going to be full of changed people, because my friends wave at us while father parks as meticulously as he feels he needs to.

I can't say I'm as enthusiastic about it as my little sister though, as Kiyomi bursts out the her side of the car and rushes over to them with a skip in her step. I settle on leaning on the side of the car to watch as Ikuno catches her in a hug, Molly pats her on the head and Akio settles for a gentle fist bump. Even Misaki and Yoshi stand by, hand in hand and clearly enjoying Kiyomi's radiance. I smile, something I haven't done many times today.

"I don't think I've seen you smile like that today, Takashi."

Father is also leaning back on the car, but he seems a little uncomfortable, like he'd leave a dent with his bony physique in it. He liked his cars, something I could never share with him, but I did enjoy our rides together. He'd always have an artist to discuss, or a TV show, or he had some music he'd found with just the right editing to help me ignore my tinnitus.

"Listen, dad…" I glance over to him, seeing that his smile was wider than mine, both of us appreciating the moment for what it was. Still, I continue.

"I didn't mean for today to go like it did."

"I know that," his smile reshapes into a kindly grin for me, "And she knows that, too. She'll cool down by tomorrow, I'm sure of it."

He sighs, still smiling, but I could hear it in his voice. Just a little hint of doubt that he might have figured I wouldn't pick out, which isn't an entirely unfair assumption. He's probably more concerned about it than I am, which isn't that surprising. It'll probably be a month before we see each other again.

She couldn't stay mad for a month, I'm sure about that. Mostly sure.

"Takashiii!" Akio calls out, catching my attention. Everyone seems to be waiting for me to come over, even Kiyomi, although her smile is starting to fade while she faces away from them. Just looking at her makes me hesitate a little, but I end up on my feet and turned to my father, who opens his arms out for a hug.

Today being as turbulent as it was, I temporarily suspend my hugging rule and give him a firm squeeze and a pat on the back. He looks like he might burst into tears as I pull away, but he stops himself short of anything like that. Maybe avoiding embarrassing me in front of my friends twice in one day was his gift in return for mine.

Kiyomi and I stop by each other halfway between our destinations, almost making me wish I could see this moment from another angle. I'll have to try and capture it later on, it'd make for a good painting. The afternoon, the long shadows…

"Takashi."

I'm snapped out of it by that quiet but demanding voice again, a tone only she could manage to get perfect on the first try.

She steps up on her toes and wraps her arms around me, gently pressing her head into my chest. Like any older brother with a little sister he would feud with constantly, I was caught off guard.

"Try to get better in a month, Takashi?" she lilts at my name, in a way that fills me with nostalgic warmth. Now that I think about it, I don't think my friends have ever seen me hug anyone. Maybe after this they'll stop making jokes about how cold I am. Maybe after that they'll make jokes about how I've melted.

I'm more bothered by something else, though. Why couldn't she be more honest about why she wanted the money earlier?

I don't get a chance to question her, as she just squeezes tighter before staring right into my own green eyes. I feel even worse knowing exactly what eyes those are for.

"Please Takashi? Please?"

There's that word again.

I can't say no, but I'm still not sure what she means by 'get better'. Somehow I doubt it means 'more liable to empty my pockets', though. It makes me realise just how hard it is to read her now.

I still can't say no.

"Alright, I promise I'll get better."

With a promise like that, she gives me a peck on the cheek after stretching up even further and bending my spine down to make up for the last bit of distance. I was going to lean down anyway, but whatever.

She twists around me and quickly walks back to the car, father opening the car door for her like an exaggerated valet before waving and disappearing himself. I wave back, but avoid watching as the car disappears down the mountainside into the town. I've been giving my friends too much ammunition as it is.

To confirm that today was being written like bad fiction, when I turn around, I'm met with the waiting faces of my friends who are all grinning from ear to ear. Well, I'm sure Ikuno would be if she hadn't skipped lunch and was biting down a sandwich just now.

"Your sister's pretty adorable, Takashi," Yoshiro speaks up, with Akio nodding mockingly.

It does feel good to be home again.

"I could punch you in your stupid face, Yoshi."

"I'm told I'm too handsome for that kind of treatment," he says with an insufferable air of being wrong, even if Misaki told him otherwise.

Ikuno and Akio roll their eyes, which puts a grin of my own on my face, until I remember something odd.

"So why are you guys out here again?" I almost instantly regret asking, because there is no way this could be good.

"We were waiting for you like the good friends we are, obviously," Akio raises a brow, playing it cool. Typical Akio doing atypical things, huh?

"Yeah, I'm not buying it," I challenge him, trying to use my own suave edge. Except it comes off as less suave and more accusatory. I remember being told once that I should work on my tone.

"Actually Takashi," Molly barely suppresses a giggle, "You are, remember?"

I takes me a moment, but once again, an ego deflating memory surfaces. I give everyone the most exaggeratedly defeated sigh and hand gestures I can manage, which gets a snort out of someone.

"To the Shanghai," I announce, a little genuinely depressed.

Everyone else cheers, though.

Next: Prologue - … Friends…

Re: Painter on the Road (Takashi and Friends/WIP Title)

Posted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 4:51 am
by Mirage_GSM
Good writing, good grammar, no obvious typos - and lots of fresh OCs.
Colour me interested.
Writing Rin as a love interest would be... demanding. Be sure you really want to do this before you try.
Write Suzu only if you think your story will be sufficiently different from Scissorlips'.
So my recomendation would be to use one of the other girls - Molly or even Ikuno.

Re: Painter on the Road (Takashi and Friends/WIP Title)

Posted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 7:08 am
by BlackWaltzTheThird
I agree with Mirage in that I'm interested. I wonder whether the discussion in the KSG prompted you to post this; it's quite curious that there would be a discussion about a lack of new content from older writers as well as original content from new writers recently, and then a first time poster would post the beginning of what could be a well written story on the forums. I'm looking forward to seeing where you intend to take this in future. Best of luck, and welcome to the forums!

Re: Painter on the Road (Takashi and Friends/WIP Title)

Posted: Tue Apr 09, 2013 2:57 am
by Marching Can
Well, I missed my own self-imposed deadline, which is really just a reminder as to why I stopped self-imposing deadlines in the first place.

I'll have plenty of free time in the next few weeks, but I do apologise for the lack of update.
Mirage_GSM wrote:Good writing, good grammar, no obvious typos - and lots of fresh OCs.
Colour me interested.
Writing Rin as a love interest would be... demanding. Be sure you really want to do this before you try.
Write Suzu only if you think your story will be sufficiently different from Scissorlips'.
So my recomendation would be to use one of the other girls - Molly or even Ikuno.
BlackWaltzTheThird wrote:I agree with Mirage in that I'm interested. I wonder whether the discussion in the KSG prompted you to post this; it's quite curious that there would be a discussion about a lack of new content from older writers as well as original content from new writers recently, and then a first time poster would post the beginning of what could be a well written story on the forums. I'm looking forward to seeing where you intend to take this in future. Best of luck, and welcome to the forums!
I'm glad I've written something interesting, then.

I'll definitely practice Rin writing regardless of whether or not I end up writing Takashi and Rin together, as for Suzu I think I've got fairly different version in mind. Scissorlips' pseudo pseudo was one of the first KS fics I'd read, and as much as I'd love to use that character, I figure I should try out something new.
Prompt-wise, I'd actually had planned a few different things beforehand (Mostly this story, but with a lot more focus on Suzu and Takashi), but the talk on KSG and with some other friends made me decide to work on something like this instead.

Thanks for the feedback/support, I'll try not to disappoint in quality. Updating however, may be more of a thing to worry about.

And just in case you felt a little disappointed that this post wasn't another chapter, here's some info about the rest of the prologue.

Prologue: ... Friends...
- Takashi and Friends arrive to celebrate someone's birthday at the Shanghai
- Takashi discusses the upcoming festival, his involvement with the mural and student transfer rumours
- Mostly a focus on Takashi's friends, so we'll learn more about them
Bonus
- Takashi and Suzu have a late night chat
- I just really wanted to do this particular scene
Prologue: ... And Foes
- Takashi attends an art club meeting where Nomiya makes an announcement
- Takashi gets pissed off with just about every main girl, if he wasn't already
- Mostly a focus on Takashi's relationships with the main girls

I'll post stuff soon, I swear.