'I Don't Want to Be in Love'
Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 12:05 am
For every TRUE END. For every GOOD END.
There are two, or three, or four, or more BAD ENDs we don't even notice in the branching of Time.
This is one of them.
Storycodes: ha hi li
I DON'T WANT TO BE IN LOVE
---
It hurts.
Were I not already feeling it as a ball of pain knotted around my insides, maybe I could take the time to be maudlin and come out with one of those strange, dramatic platitudes that you hear so often.
Like 'it's all you need'. I don't need this. I don't need to be miserable and angry about it, flushed and breathless, and so ashamed that I cannot speak. All at once. And without me daring to show it.
Or 'you cannot command it'. Of course you can't. If people could, if *I* could, I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. I would be detached, and unaffected. I wouldn't even WANT to be happy, just... distant. Untouched.
Or 'it is..
blind..'
Dammit.
Yes, love IS blind - how ironic.
I want to shriek with laughter. I want to bawl my eyes out. I do neither.
The absurdity of this situation is not lost on me.
My best - my ONLY - friend, confidante, the one person that I can trust to not hurt me, is in love. ...I don't know how I should feel about this. Happy for her? Anxious that she'd neglect me? Jealous of the ...
Dammit, AGAIN.
Yes I DO feel jealous, but for all the wrong reasons. I am dirty, and ashamed, and worthless, and a liar, and...
'Coming, Hana-chan?'
...
'Ah, y-yes, Lilly.'
***
School is out. We are up on the roof, eating. ...All three of us.
It's not really 'us three', though. It's a couple, and a leftover. Anybody who cared to look at us would see it, writ large.
The leftover is me, of course. How could it be otherwise? Ugly as I am, it's always been close to a miracle already that Lilly finds it in her to have me around.
...And I have little doubt that Hisao wouldn't.
I guess I'm lucky that they only have eyes for each other,
no you're not you'd want for HIM to have eyes only for YOU
...so that I can just fade into the background, pick at my food, and get ignored, unless I attract attention to myself...
'Are you all right, Hanako?'
'Uh? A-ah... y-yes, yes, I'm fine.'
...or until Lilly notices, that is. I don't know whether I should be glad that she tries to involve me or frustrated at being pulled in.
I don't know a lot of things lately.
'Are you sure? You look a little feverish... if you don't feel well, I could accompany you to the Nurse.'
Damn you, Hisao, DON'T SHOW KINDNESS TO ME. I already can't... can't...
that sounds like a good chance him and you alone
...can't stay here any longer.
'Uh, um, no, I gotta go! Don't worry, I'm okay, really!'
I spring up like a jack-in-the-box and flee the scene and Hisao's outstretched hand. With a little luck, they'll think I just got embarrassed by their closeness.
I'm really a horrible person.
But I don't know what else I could do. Hisao's concerned face will stay etched in my view forever and a day as it is.
I can't betray my friend. I can't hope for a chance with the boy that makes me go all funny inside. And I can't grow distant from either of them.
It's lose-lose-lose, with or without me making any move.
***
Lilly and Hisao have been getting along swimmingly. I ache every time I see that 'look' pass between them, but I told myself over and over that it will become easier as I resign myself-
you're only lying to yourself
-and that I would get over it, eventually.
Our occasional evening get-togethers in Lilly's room are barely bearable now, an improvement compared to my previous feeling of sitting on a bed of spikes. Though they're not at fault, I still don't really feel up to staying with them one more minute than I need to.
...So I made my excuses as soon as it was polite and left the two of them alone as quickly as possible. They didn't seem to mind, they are even more taken with each other than before,
yeah, that's SO considerate of them
-as unlikely as that sounds.
Fleeing to my cheerless room, I flop back on the cold bed,
too lonely to lie in
-covering my eyes with an arm. The quiet of the dormitory at night envelops me for a little while, allowing me some respite.
The little noises that are part of every inhabited building filter through the partition walls: an occasional footstep, barely-perceptible notes from some muted music, a dry cough from somewhere below...
...Almost-voices, but not quite, from the next room over.
It's odd how words are only really necessary to make the words themselves clear. Just from tones, and pauses, and hesitations, you can understand quite a lot.
Too much.
The lower timbre of Hisao, resounding quietly and happily.
Lilly's whispering contralto, giggling a little too loudly despite itself.
that could have been me
A back-and-forth of wheedling and sulking.
A pause of complete silence...
Broken by Lilly's sweet moan.
My eyes spring open at that. In a kind of mesmerized fascination, I listen for a few seconds longer. Far longer than I-
that might have been me
-should have, before jamming my pillow over my head and desperately trying to not listen, not hear, not think, not BE.
Too late already, it was more than enough and I can't help myself anymore.
The yawning need inside me is not going to be denied now that I am alone. My hands start creeping down over my body, pretending to be someone else's. My eyes squeeze shut, half in refusal, half in anticipation of the fantasy I am going to look for.
That SHOULD HAVE been me!
Forgetting about time, place, and anything but myself, I wrench my clothes open and frantically masturbate while thinking of my best friend's boyfriend.
I massage my breasts, thinking of Hisao's hands.
I feel my folds, thinking of Hisao's face.
...and I slick my fingers into myself, over and over, whimpering Hisao's name into my pillow.
Exhaustion hits me like a hammer.
***
Later... I don't know how much later... I wake from the stupor I had slipped in. It's not a gentle climb back to consciousness; rather, I sit up as though driven by a spring, gasping for breath.
A sense of revulsion crawls on my skin. I feel ready to jump out of it.
What the HELL is wrong with me?
I am, honey. Hee hee.
I just... just... NO!
How could I have done THAT? I get friendship, acceptance, patience, and kindness, and THIS is how I repay THEM?
I start shuddering. I'm going to go mad if this keeps up any longer.
Oh come ON, it's not THAT bad.
Hugging my legs to my chest, It takes a long while before I manage to calm down. Thankfully, the dorm is silent at least. No sounds haunt me this time.
Small consolation, I have enough of those stored up in my consciousness.
Hmmm...
Once my breathing has mostly evened out, I find myself still shivering, but from cold more than reaction.
I gather my clothes around me in belated shame, only to find that I'm too... sticky to even think of getting comfortable enough to manage a few hours of sleep.
Drawing an unsteady breath, I totter from the bed and go about the business of gathering my bath stuff together. Maybe a soak in hot water will kill two birds with one stone.
Sounds like a good idea...
A few minutes later, I pad as quietly as possible to the bathroom. Between one thing and another, it's very early morning by now more than very late at night.
Even in my tired state, that suits me fine. The less chance I have to meet somebody, the better.
Locking the door, I start the hot shower and strip as fast as I can. In short order, steam billows around fogging the mirror and raising the temperature.
I step gingerly under the jet and letting out a breath, start soaping myself up.
SHOWTIME, honey.
Running my hands over my body, I start to
Remember what Hisao and Lilly sounded like?
t-to...
Remember how good it felt earlier? Hmmm?
to... caress my thighs as I wash away the suds.
I turn my face into the water, luxuriating in the minute pinpricks it paints over my neck and breasts.
Good girl.
My breathing picks up as I squeeze them together. I'm starting to feel hotter than the shower should account for.
I slip my hands over my sides, and feel the skin on my right. Its different texture and tightness.
It's like getting the shower handles turned to ice-cold.
Oh NO you don't...
I am reminded - suddenly, forcibly reminded - of the way I look. I forgot myself for a few minutes.
For a little while, I managed to feel... normal.
Damn, it was so close...
I slowly kneel down on the bathrooom's floor.
Spreading my legs apart, I hesitantly inch my hands over my skin towards my sex.
Yes! Keep going...
I shouldn't do this.
I feel self-loathing at the desecration I am inflicting to the image of my friends in my mind.
But I can't avoid it. So help me, I want to forget.
...And I do it all over again. Somewhere along the line, I sink facefirst to the floor, hands clamped between my legs, sobbing out my orgasm.
***
Morning.
I can't
Damn right you can't, I'm in charge now.
be sure of anything anymore
Oh nevermind THAT. Once we get rested, I'll show you what to do.
so there's only one thing I can do.
...Pfft, what? What could you possibly DO, you repressed coward?
...I'm going to see the Nurse.
Wait a moment...
I'm not going to be able
...Right, you almost had me worried there.
to say anything to him, but
But WHAT?
he's going to see through me.
Because I'm a terrible liar.
Then no, you aren't going to.
I just need to not behave as usual
Quit trying to interfere with me!
...and that's not going to be very hard after tonight, is it?
...That was for your own good.
IS IT?
...
Bells are sounding in ten minutes.
Now look here, let's not be hasty.
Once lessons start,
Then move, dammit!
I'll be noticed... as absent...
I feel so... tired...
Goodbye, me. It's better if I just get... put away.
NO!
***
HARD THINKING
BUT IS
THIS ALL
OVER... RIGHT?
...
...
-#-
-SC
There are two, or three, or four, or more BAD ENDs we don't even notice in the branching of Time.
This is one of them.
Storycodes: ha hi li
I DON'T WANT TO BE IN LOVE
---
It hurts.
Were I not already feeling it as a ball of pain knotted around my insides, maybe I could take the time to be maudlin and come out with one of those strange, dramatic platitudes that you hear so often.
Like 'it's all you need'. I don't need this. I don't need to be miserable and angry about it, flushed and breathless, and so ashamed that I cannot speak. All at once. And without me daring to show it.
Or 'you cannot command it'. Of course you can't. If people could, if *I* could, I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. I would be detached, and unaffected. I wouldn't even WANT to be happy, just... distant. Untouched.
Or 'it is..
blind..'
Dammit.
Yes, love IS blind - how ironic.
I want to shriek with laughter. I want to bawl my eyes out. I do neither.
The absurdity of this situation is not lost on me.
My best - my ONLY - friend, confidante, the one person that I can trust to not hurt me, is in love. ...I don't know how I should feel about this. Happy for her? Anxious that she'd neglect me? Jealous of the ...
Dammit, AGAIN.
Yes I DO feel jealous, but for all the wrong reasons. I am dirty, and ashamed, and worthless, and a liar, and...
'Coming, Hana-chan?'
...
'Ah, y-yes, Lilly.'
***
School is out. We are up on the roof, eating. ...All three of us.
It's not really 'us three', though. It's a couple, and a leftover. Anybody who cared to look at us would see it, writ large.
The leftover is me, of course. How could it be otherwise? Ugly as I am, it's always been close to a miracle already that Lilly finds it in her to have me around.
...And I have little doubt that Hisao wouldn't.
I guess I'm lucky that they only have eyes for each other,
no you're not you'd want for HIM to have eyes only for YOU
...so that I can just fade into the background, pick at my food, and get ignored, unless I attract attention to myself...
'Are you all right, Hanako?'
'Uh? A-ah... y-yes, yes, I'm fine.'
...or until Lilly notices, that is. I don't know whether I should be glad that she tries to involve me or frustrated at being pulled in.
I don't know a lot of things lately.
'Are you sure? You look a little feverish... if you don't feel well, I could accompany you to the Nurse.'
Damn you, Hisao, DON'T SHOW KINDNESS TO ME. I already can't... can't...
that sounds like a good chance him and you alone
...can't stay here any longer.
'Uh, um, no, I gotta go! Don't worry, I'm okay, really!'
I spring up like a jack-in-the-box and flee the scene and Hisao's outstretched hand. With a little luck, they'll think I just got embarrassed by their closeness.
I'm really a horrible person.
But I don't know what else I could do. Hisao's concerned face will stay etched in my view forever and a day as it is.
I can't betray my friend. I can't hope for a chance with the boy that makes me go all funny inside. And I can't grow distant from either of them.
It's lose-lose-lose, with or without me making any move.
***
Lilly and Hisao have been getting along swimmingly. I ache every time I see that 'look' pass between them, but I told myself over and over that it will become easier as I resign myself-
you're only lying to yourself
-and that I would get over it, eventually.
Our occasional evening get-togethers in Lilly's room are barely bearable now, an improvement compared to my previous feeling of sitting on a bed of spikes. Though they're not at fault, I still don't really feel up to staying with them one more minute than I need to.
...So I made my excuses as soon as it was polite and left the two of them alone as quickly as possible. They didn't seem to mind, they are even more taken with each other than before,
yeah, that's SO considerate of them
-as unlikely as that sounds.
Fleeing to my cheerless room, I flop back on the cold bed,
too lonely to lie in
-covering my eyes with an arm. The quiet of the dormitory at night envelops me for a little while, allowing me some respite.
The little noises that are part of every inhabited building filter through the partition walls: an occasional footstep, barely-perceptible notes from some muted music, a dry cough from somewhere below...
...Almost-voices, but not quite, from the next room over.
It's odd how words are only really necessary to make the words themselves clear. Just from tones, and pauses, and hesitations, you can understand quite a lot.
Too much.
The lower timbre of Hisao, resounding quietly and happily.
Lilly's whispering contralto, giggling a little too loudly despite itself.
that could have been me
A back-and-forth of wheedling and sulking.
A pause of complete silence...
Broken by Lilly's sweet moan.
My eyes spring open at that. In a kind of mesmerized fascination, I listen for a few seconds longer. Far longer than I-
that might have been me
-should have, before jamming my pillow over my head and desperately trying to not listen, not hear, not think, not BE.
Too late already, it was more than enough and I can't help myself anymore.
The yawning need inside me is not going to be denied now that I am alone. My hands start creeping down over my body, pretending to be someone else's. My eyes squeeze shut, half in refusal, half in anticipation of the fantasy I am going to look for.
That SHOULD HAVE been me!
Forgetting about time, place, and anything but myself, I wrench my clothes open and frantically masturbate while thinking of my best friend's boyfriend.
I massage my breasts, thinking of Hisao's hands.
I feel my folds, thinking of Hisao's face.
...and I slick my fingers into myself, over and over, whimpering Hisao's name into my pillow.
Exhaustion hits me like a hammer.
***
Later... I don't know how much later... I wake from the stupor I had slipped in. It's not a gentle climb back to consciousness; rather, I sit up as though driven by a spring, gasping for breath.
A sense of revulsion crawls on my skin. I feel ready to jump out of it.
What the HELL is wrong with me?
I am, honey. Hee hee.
I just... just... NO!
How could I have done THAT? I get friendship, acceptance, patience, and kindness, and THIS is how I repay THEM?
I start shuddering. I'm going to go mad if this keeps up any longer.
Oh come ON, it's not THAT bad.
Hugging my legs to my chest, It takes a long while before I manage to calm down. Thankfully, the dorm is silent at least. No sounds haunt me this time.
Small consolation, I have enough of those stored up in my consciousness.
Hmmm...
Once my breathing has mostly evened out, I find myself still shivering, but from cold more than reaction.
I gather my clothes around me in belated shame, only to find that I'm too... sticky to even think of getting comfortable enough to manage a few hours of sleep.
Drawing an unsteady breath, I totter from the bed and go about the business of gathering my bath stuff together. Maybe a soak in hot water will kill two birds with one stone.
Sounds like a good idea...
A few minutes later, I pad as quietly as possible to the bathroom. Between one thing and another, it's very early morning by now more than very late at night.
Even in my tired state, that suits me fine. The less chance I have to meet somebody, the better.
Locking the door, I start the hot shower and strip as fast as I can. In short order, steam billows around fogging the mirror and raising the temperature.
I step gingerly under the jet and letting out a breath, start soaping myself up.
SHOWTIME, honey.
Running my hands over my body, I start to
Remember what Hisao and Lilly sounded like?
t-to...
Remember how good it felt earlier? Hmmm?
to... caress my thighs as I wash away the suds.
I turn my face into the water, luxuriating in the minute pinpricks it paints over my neck and breasts.
Good girl.
My breathing picks up as I squeeze them together. I'm starting to feel hotter than the shower should account for.
I slip my hands over my sides, and feel the skin on my right. Its different texture and tightness.
It's like getting the shower handles turned to ice-cold.
Oh NO you don't...
I am reminded - suddenly, forcibly reminded - of the way I look. I forgot myself for a few minutes.
For a little while, I managed to feel... normal.
Damn, it was so close...
I slowly kneel down on the bathrooom's floor.
Spreading my legs apart, I hesitantly inch my hands over my skin towards my sex.
Yes! Keep going...
I shouldn't do this.
I feel self-loathing at the desecration I am inflicting to the image of my friends in my mind.
But I can't avoid it. So help me, I want to forget.
...And I do it all over again. Somewhere along the line, I sink facefirst to the floor, hands clamped between my legs, sobbing out my orgasm.
***
Morning.
I can't
Damn right you can't, I'm in charge now.
be sure of anything anymore
Oh nevermind THAT. Once we get rested, I'll show you what to do.
so there's only one thing I can do.
...Pfft, what? What could you possibly DO, you repressed coward?
...I'm going to see the Nurse.
Wait a moment...
I'm not going to be able
...Right, you almost had me worried there.
to say anything to him, but
But WHAT?
he's going to see through me.
Because I'm a terrible liar.
Then no, you aren't going to.
I just need to not behave as usual
Quit trying to interfere with me!
...and that's not going to be very hard after tonight, is it?
...That was for your own good.
IS IT?
...
Bells are sounding in ten minutes.
Now look here, let's not be hasty.
Once lessons start,
Then move, dammit!
I'll be noticed... as absent...
I feel so... tired...
Goodbye, me. It's better if I just get... put away.
NO!
***
HARD THINKING
BUT IS
THIS ALL
OVER... RIGHT?
...
...
-#-
-SC