Loss of Control [A Hanako Story]
Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2013 12:31 pm
Hi guys. This is an idea I've had for a while, and I thought I'd share it with you. Perhaps I could get some feedback? Maybe not... I've actually written something about this a while back, but this is a slightly different take on it. Hope you enjoy!
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“Aah!”
That was the last thing I heard from a pained Hanako. But she tempted me, debased me. She told me that there was “no way I would ever do it” and that she’ll “never be afraid of me.” But even with these justifications in mind, I couldn’t understand my own actions. I told her I would love her unconditionally and I told her I would never hurt her. How could I do such a thing? What kind of sick, twisted, uncaring freak could I be to ever lay a hand on Hanako in full force? Perhaps I momentarily went crazy or perhaps words hit harder than I thought. At any rate, I knew I had to apologize.
“Hanako… I’m… I’m sorry...” I said, attempting to lay one hand on the arm of a weeping Hanako. She was faced away from me on our bed, sobbing, but she instantly reacted, throwing my hand away through a quick jolt.
“D-don’t touch me!” she bawled, now dripping wet with tears.
What could I do but comply? I took my hand off, and turned myself the other way. Throughout the night I tortured myself. “How could you do this to her?” and “You’re a monster,” were two of the more popular thoughts racing through my head. A few hours pass, and I could no longer stop myself. I had to do something. I had to make sure she knew how sorry I was.
“You don’t have to say anything,” I began, unsure if she was listening. “I know what I did and I know I was wrong. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me, but I do know that it wasn’t your fault. Please, please! You don’t have to love me, just forgive me this once.”
There was no response. I spent a few sleepless hours doing nothing but contemplating what I had just done. Eventually, the sun had come up, and I came to the conclusion that no amount of self-denying justification could ever fix this, and I had accepted that. Suddenly, I hear some movement in the blanket. Hanako was still awake. She didn’t even turn, didn’t even give me the least bit of satisfaction by looking at my face. All she did was move a little closer, and I knew what to do.
I put one hand on her hip first; she flinched, but didn’t stop me. I continued, placing my arms around her stomach in a cuddle. I rested my head close to her hair, and laid there motionless. Suddenly, she turns around.
“I-I forgive you,” she calls out.
I didn’t want to push my luck but I just had to know. I just had to know if she still loved me.
“Hanako?” I questioned.
“Y-yes?”
“I love you,” I said, in the most innocent and inoffensive way I could.
“I l-love you too.”
Even though I was the one who initiated it, even though I was the one who said it first, I still couldn’t believe it. There was no way she could ever love me after that. I slapped her right across the face! It seemed unfair and I let her know that.
“What? How could you love me? You don’t love me… You can’t…”
Eventually, my denial turned to anger, and I began shouting with tears flowing down my face.
“How could you love me?! How could you possibly continue to love me after what I did to you?!”
Her eyes remained closed and she continued not to say anything. She seemed to just be enjoying how close we were.
“You can’t love me… Hanako, I’d do anything for you… Just let me know how you really feel…”
At this point I was only a shell of the man I once was. I was broken down into tears and whatever dignity I had left was gone. Yet she continued to keep her eyes closed, speechless. She continued to enjoy how close we were, until I just had to accept it.
“Okay… I guess you do love me. I can accept that.”
A wide smile formed itself across her face. To be honest I still don’t understand. Even after all we had just gone through and even after I had slapped her, she still found it in herself to forgive me. And she still found it in herself to love me to a degree that I could never muster. And even though I caused her so much pain and anguish, Hanako still loved me.
-------
For those of you who didn't catch on...
5 stages of grief
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“Aah!”
That was the last thing I heard from a pained Hanako. But she tempted me, debased me. She told me that there was “no way I would ever do it” and that she’ll “never be afraid of me.” But even with these justifications in mind, I couldn’t understand my own actions. I told her I would love her unconditionally and I told her I would never hurt her. How could I do such a thing? What kind of sick, twisted, uncaring freak could I be to ever lay a hand on Hanako in full force? Perhaps I momentarily went crazy or perhaps words hit harder than I thought. At any rate, I knew I had to apologize.
“Hanako… I’m… I’m sorry...” I said, attempting to lay one hand on the arm of a weeping Hanako. She was faced away from me on our bed, sobbing, but she instantly reacted, throwing my hand away through a quick jolt.
“D-don’t touch me!” she bawled, now dripping wet with tears.
What could I do but comply? I took my hand off, and turned myself the other way. Throughout the night I tortured myself. “How could you do this to her?” and “You’re a monster,” were two of the more popular thoughts racing through my head. A few hours pass, and I could no longer stop myself. I had to do something. I had to make sure she knew how sorry I was.
“You don’t have to say anything,” I began, unsure if she was listening. “I know what I did and I know I was wrong. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me, but I do know that it wasn’t your fault. Please, please! You don’t have to love me, just forgive me this once.”
There was no response. I spent a few sleepless hours doing nothing but contemplating what I had just done. Eventually, the sun had come up, and I came to the conclusion that no amount of self-denying justification could ever fix this, and I had accepted that. Suddenly, I hear some movement in the blanket. Hanako was still awake. She didn’t even turn, didn’t even give me the least bit of satisfaction by looking at my face. All she did was move a little closer, and I knew what to do.
I put one hand on her hip first; she flinched, but didn’t stop me. I continued, placing my arms around her stomach in a cuddle. I rested my head close to her hair, and laid there motionless. Suddenly, she turns around.
“I-I forgive you,” she calls out.
I didn’t want to push my luck but I just had to know. I just had to know if she still loved me.
“Hanako?” I questioned.
“Y-yes?”
“I love you,” I said, in the most innocent and inoffensive way I could.
“I l-love you too.”
Even though I was the one who initiated it, even though I was the one who said it first, I still couldn’t believe it. There was no way she could ever love me after that. I slapped her right across the face! It seemed unfair and I let her know that.
“What? How could you love me? You don’t love me… You can’t…”
Eventually, my denial turned to anger, and I began shouting with tears flowing down my face.
“How could you love me?! How could you possibly continue to love me after what I did to you?!”
Her eyes remained closed and she continued not to say anything. She seemed to just be enjoying how close we were.
“You can’t love me… Hanako, I’d do anything for you… Just let me know how you really feel…”
At this point I was only a shell of the man I once was. I was broken down into tears and whatever dignity I had left was gone. Yet she continued to keep her eyes closed, speechless. She continued to enjoy how close we were, until I just had to accept it.
“Okay… I guess you do love me. I can accept that.”
A wide smile formed itself across her face. To be honest I still don’t understand. Even after all we had just gone through and even after I had slapped her, she still found it in herself to forgive me. And she still found it in herself to love me to a degree that I could never muster. And even though I caused her so much pain and anguish, Hanako still loved me.
-------
For those of you who didn't catch on...
5 stages of grief
