Katawa Shoujo Forums

Ok, here's some fiction about this vn, don't know if this worth. So, just give some comment and critic, and lemme know.

Prelude :

My name is Hisao Nakai, today, i am turned into 20. Like folks on Japan, i also live on underground train station tunnel. My homeplace.
The underground train station tunnel where i live is called station Yamaku. Reason why we all live like this because Japan is one of World War III Victim between all faction of the world. We are suffered by nuclear effect, Radiation wave, and some of us....is either dead or become something horror.
My parents is also one of the victims post-world war nuclear result. That war happened on year 2013. They are dead when they try seek refuge on Station Yamaku during war. Luckily for me, i was adopted by Japanese scientist called Mutou. He is good man, altough i think he is little bit creepy and have low sense of humor, but he is my only family.

Speaking of post nuclear effect from World War III, i also suffered rare heart disease called "Arrythmia". they said i also affected by radiation effect that trigger that disease on my heart. Like i care, i wanna try live as long as i can.

Maybe, one day i also can change our situation and can retake surface so we can live well and happily. I hope so.........

PS : sorry for grammar, currently i continue my study, so i try fix this as soon as i can

I was gonna comment on the grammar but I just imagined a thick Russian accent like in the actual Metro 2033 and it seemed like it was on purpose

Enemy | wrote:I was gonna comment on the grammar but I just imagined a thick Russian accent like in the actual Metro 2033 and it seemed like it was on purpose

yeah, still work on grammar, and i imagined hisao use......thick russian accent (on japanese ofc). Maybe it will be epic

Well, first off, the grammar issues are going to be an enormous hurdle for any readers. You could be writing an incredible masterpiece, but if it reads like a YouTube comment, no one is going to give it any respect (or attention). I understand if English isn't your first language, but you'll either need a patient editor to help you phrase things in proper English or develop a greater fluency yourself. You're otherwise pretty much dead-ended on that point.

Also, one of our benevolent overlords recently posted a rant on crossovers. In short, before you really start, you need to ask yourself: are the combined elements really adding to this? As with fanfiction in general, do you need the imported characters and/or settings? If the imports are not necessary, get rid of them - original fiction gets more respect. If the imports ARE necessary, you need to give a dispassionate assessment of how much your story brings to the table. Banging a couple action figures together may make for a fun time, but it's a far cry from compelling cinema.

Those comments aside, your prologue doesn't give us much to work on as far as expectations go. It's about as informative as a movie poster - it teases you about the basic premise, but there's no meat on which you can hang your hat.

Katawa 2033 FEEL the future

also, in the novel there was an old guy with hearth problems

ProfAllister wrote:Well, first off, the grammar issues are going to be an enormous hurdle for any readers. You could be writing an incredible masterpiece, but if it reads like a YouTube comment, no one is going to give it any respect (or attention). I understand if English isn't your first language, but you'll either need a patient editor to help you phrase things in proper English or develop a greater fluency yourself. You're otherwise pretty much dead-ended on that point.

Also, one of our benevolent overlords recently posted a rant on crossovers. In short, before you really start, you need to ask yourself: are the combined elements really adding to this? As with fanfiction in general, do you need the imported characters and/or settings? If the imports are not necessary, get rid of them - original fiction gets more respect. If the imports ARE necessary, you need to give a dispassionate assessment of how much your story brings to the table. Banging a couple action figures together may make for a fun time, but it's a far cry from compelling cinema.

Those comments aside, your prologue doesn't give us much to work on as far as expectations go. It's about as informative as a movie poster - it teases you about the basic premise, but there's no meat on which you can hang your hat.

I Know my grammar is not good because i am Indonesian, and yes, English is not my primary. I keep touch on mistakes, and about this ? i was thinking about 3 week since i play metro 2033. I Know i am bad but least lemme try because this will be my last fan fic. Thanks for comment and i will try my best

TheSongofRaven wrote:I Know i am bad but least lemme try because this will be my last fan fic. Thanks for comment and i will try my best

No one wants to stop you from writing, and I'm even sad to hear this is your last planned one. It's not a bad start at all, but just keep in mind that your story needs to be able to stand on its own and have a reason for happening, just taking the original setting and swapping the characters from Metro with ones from KS isn't enough to make a good story. If this really is your last story, I wish you all the luck in the world in writing one that you're satisfied with, don't lose heart.

here's the chapter 1 and 2. I also make some sketch but one day, i will post on this thread. Check this out.

Chapter 1 : DREAM

Somehow.......
I feel something....
That is comfort me.....
Where am i........

It cannot be. Somehow, i stranded on freshly green field of grass.
What i see is flowers, butterflies, and clear sky.
I also heard laugh of people, especially children. Laugh of rejoice, happiness.
But, why i feel something bad ?
I keep walk through the field, feel everything looks like so real. I even can breathe freely.
Maybe this is what we wanted for so long time. Beautiful surface that free from any radiation, any chaos and everything that make us can’t live at surface.
Suddenly, i heard something.
The sky suddenly become dark and horrifying, voice of war is heard.
Why people make war if that’s only make us suffer ? Why they dont understand
I look the sky with horror, shocked reaction, decide to run away.
Run to safe place.
I Keep run and run, but i see nothing. The grass now become ashes. It no more green but now its grey as ashes. Panicking, i keep run, and fall....
My arrythmia, my heart disease attack again. Did i gonna die ? Did i gonna dead on this mysterious dream ? It’s hurts me so much. Help me. Help.
But, a light approach me. It lend a hand to me. My hand trying reaching it. Please. I want still alive. I want help everyone. I will do everything because i want help people cleansing the former surface so we can live happily again.
And i heard a voice.
“Your time is not come yet boy. You have something to do. Now, arise and fight what you should fight for........”
And everything become black..........................

Chapter 2 : REALITY

“GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH !”
The boy, Hisao Nakai, awaken from his sleep and also from his nightmare. He found himself sweated and thirsty. His quarter, shared with his step-father, Professor Mutou, is only a small room, with a bed, table, lamp, and chair. His room wall is covered by old animation and film posters.
“Man, that was really a damn scariest dream i ever had. Maybe i should get some drink”
Later, Hisao is looking for a water on their kitchen. Shared by people who living at Metro station Yamaku. Yes, they living at beneath of Metro station Yamaku for 20 years. And yet, they still doesn’t lose hope to retake surface, althought their power is limitless and not sufficient.
After the boy get some drink, he was greeted by his step-father, Professor Mutou.
“Morning, son. What a confidance. I was on my way to your room.”
“Morning, dad. Eh ? you are about go to my room ? for what purpose ?”
Mutou, at his early 40, still a little bit cool, although his face is kinda scary and mysterious, only can reply like this, “ Well, i want you to come with me to meet someone. He is one of the Ranger who always make visit to this station for checking all of us. Make sure we are safe. You coming ?”
Hisao, thinking for a while, only can nodded and follow his father steps.
Hisao Nakai, the boy who turned right 20 years old two days ago, thinking until when they will live on this cramped metro station. He know the radiation make all of the people unable to live, and knowing his step father is the one of scientist who will make radiation refresher, althought it is impossible thing, Nakai believe, he, one day, will help people retake surface.
And he remembered, the problem is not only that. Some of creatures, called tunnel monster, is still lingering around them, both at surface and stations. He hoping one day his step father allowing him learn how to use gun like rangers. He admire all rangers who come to one station to other. He knew that he can’t always bothered by his heart disease, artyhmia. He believe himself he can overpower his own weakness and can become rangers, not only to retake surface, but also help everyone that he care about.
But, he knew, this reality is really a hellish, suffering situation. But, he never lose any hope. He, always believe, one day, all people can live happily and comfort. Time will tell, he think.
And he keep his pace with his father. Who is the ranger that come to this station now ? Its not usual his step-father take him.