Midnight Princess

[Dream]

Hi everyone, this is the first fanfic i have ever written, or at least that i kept on until finishing and showing it. As such, it likely is mired by terribleness and mediocrity. Comments and constructive criticism is earnestly welcome. This was first intended as a one-shot but i might make other chapters if there is potential in it, also, while i still haven't read much fanfiction i suppose this one might be a little odd, just so you know. This is partly based on a dream i had once and not set in any specific route. So... Yeah, that. Hope you enjoy the story, or that at the very least isn't unbearably terrible.



“I don’t know what was exactly about it, but that dream was weird in some… Weird way. For some reason i just can’t let it fade from my mind”

Lilly finished what little was left of her cup in a pensive interest before resting the tea cup on her hand-plate and setting it on the table with the careful, composed movements of a work of art.

“May I ask what the dream was about, Hisao? Whatever it is, you seem to be most… entranced by it as of late”

I bit my lips on the inside, actually I don’t even know why I decided to talk with Lilly about it. To tell the truth I’m not too comfortable talking with her about the dream, but I guess it has been haunting me so much I couldn’t avoid talking about it with someone. Thankfully drinking my full cup of tea helped me organize my thoughts a bit, and after closing my eyes for a moment, I decide to start as best as I could.

“I don’t know if this has anything to do with it, but I was here, in the tea room, at the afternoon a few weeks ago” I served myself another cup of tea “I was listening some music Iwanako used to listen to, a very soothing J-pop” My voice and demeanor got way gloomier after the mention of her, I still haven’t really gotten over Iwanako. And sadly, its likely Lilly noticed my gloom after her name.

“And… I couldn’t sleep yesterday because I was studying a bit of math”

Liar.

“So, I was tired, in the afternoon with soothing music after drinking a bit of tea with Hanako… I think you can imagine how I fell asleep” Lilly smiled daintily at this part of my narration, I guess the mental image of me dozing off and landing face first on a plate or just the table when I was supposed to be cleaning the cups must be funny for her. I couldn’t imagine her, of all people, enjoying that.

“You two seem to use this room for yourselves quite often, don’t you?” She gives a teasing smile which is answered with a blush, a grimace and a “Yes, yes we do”
The falling sun draws my attention, the resemblance of that day suddenly gets me in a pensive, rather depressive disposition. Somehow, I’m drawn to the image of that dying sun for what feels like an eternity.

“Hisao?”

Lilly’s voice almost makes me jump, still a bit shaken I ask her what was it, to which she replied “So what was your dream about?” Oh, right, that.

I look up to the roof with rather vague eyes as if I would find inspiration from concrete, which would be rather Rin-like if it weren’t for my sadness-induced apathy.

“I was in a strange town, which seemed a blend of a nostalgic metropolis and a middle-ages village. The night sky was some passive yet overbearing shade of pitch-black and amethyst. The majority of houses were made of the same kind of stone the street was made of: Big smooth piece of some… marble-ish rough rock generally cut in vaguely cubical irregular shapes that, I don’t know if because of the candle-lamppost illumination of the town or what, had a dim orange-ish tint or light to it. It felt like everything had a rather gothic aspect to it all”

My eyes glide over to the window, to the horizon, not really looking.

“We were a group, of... Adventurers or travelers of some sort, i… I don’t remember what I was specifically. At some point I separated from my group, and just walked around the streets. Even though I looked completely different from the villagers, they didn’t look at me or anything, in fact they didn’t even seem to notice when I asked one of them something, it was almost as if I didn’t exist to them.”

Lilly relaxes in her chair, drinking her tea with that careful composition so typical of her; it almost looks like a work of art. But more than that, she seems to be relaxing herself, almost as if she were enjoying the narrative.

“Even thought I guess it should have bothered me, I can’t really say I felt anything by it, a bit estranged maybe. After a while of walking –I gave up trying to talk with the villagers by that point- I arrived a big, circular plaza with a more polished, even stone floor. My chest started hurting a bit and I sat down in the floor next to a kind of tree that was set as a centerpiece for the plaza, while I was massaging my chest It seemed that the various lampposts were getting slightly dimmer, and the sky was getting was getting more… Alive, I mean the colors were.”

“Did you go to the nurse Hisao?”

Fuck. Fuck.

I know I should be careful with my heart, and I knew she was going to ask that when I got to that part, but it’s still doesn’t change the fact I don’t want to be reminded of my condition. I didn’t go to the nurse, I don’t like remembering I can die at any moment, that I’m not going to live much past thirty, and that I’m going to do it completely alone. But still, thankfully her honestly concerned tone and the dead-set attention she has for the answer manage to relax me enough to answer something without being brash or cruel about it.

“Yes, I told him about the chest pain, he did some checks and said there seemed to be nothing to worry about, he did tell me to come to him as soon as I felt anything iffy, though.”

Lilly is silent for a short moment after finished her tea, but only barely before she gives a beautiful smile and says “That’s good to hear, I’m relieved” She doesn’t sound too convinced, or at least I don’t think she can be, but I’m happy she respects the fact I don’t want to pursue the issue further at the moment. Still, I’ve known her long enough to know when her smile is a polite instead of an honest one. Or at least I think I know.

“Well” Lilly breaks the small silence “What happened next in your dream?”

My eyes widened a bit when remembering the next part of my dream, she.

“Well” I was rather sad, almost devastated, I don’t know why, but whenever I think of the silhouette, I’m overwhelmed by this feeling of abject sorrow. I try to hide it as best as I can while keeping on my narration “I didn’t notice this in the dream up to that moment, but the remains of a great castle –or at least I felt it was like a castle- could be seen from the plaza at the distance of what felt like half a kilometer or so, in the position I was, I had a perfect view of the ruins”

“How did you know it was like half a kilometer or so away?”

This question surprises me, how did I know indeed?

“It’s… Hard to describe, it’s like… I just knew it somehow”

Lilly answer in the way of a hum, and I continue my narration.

“In particular, there was a window to what I assume was one of the hallways, this window was from ceiling to floor and slightly wide, slightly bigger than a door, square at the bottom and ovalized at the top, there were rusted metal bars enclosing the window presumably to keep the people inside, but most of the bars were long gone and what few remained were usually broken near the sockets. I was seeing it, but not with my eyes”

At this part I can’t avoid biting my lips

“And then, I saw it.

Behind the window, there was a silhouette, a feminine figure, thin frame, delicate, slightly taller than usual for a woman, had long, almost hip-length hair, and wore some sort of… Dress. I think one of her hands was keeping up the hem of her long skirt while the other remained limply at her side, she was looking down at the floor with her back towards me. I have no idea why, but I was enchanted by the silhouette."

“Hmm, how mysterious” Lilly said after giving a joyful smile “I wonder who could she be, tell me Hisao, did she have something in her hair, like a headband for example?”

“Nah, she didn’t have anything on her hair, just long, straight hair.”

“Interesting” Somehow, it feels like her smile is daintier now.

“So… Then, somehow, I noticed her dress had various tones of dark blue and purple, all generally dark, even dimmed, and all almost grim in a sense, her dress was hypnotizing in a way, I’ve never seen something so beautiful in my life”

Lilly looks really happy now.

“And then-“

My eyes widen in shock. I can’t believe I never noticed this.

“And then… Damn, I can’t believe it, it was so clear just a moment ago, i can’t believe I just forgot it”

Liar.

And then she turned her head, and she wasn’t a silhouette anymore. Then I could see her eyes, and she mine. Really, truly see.

Then her scars showed me who she was.

I can’t tell Lilly this.

“I’m sorry, Lilly” Hopefully this either fools her or keeps her from asking questions.

“It’s ok, Hisao” Lilly gave her best smile to reassure me. “Dreams can often be rather enigmatic and elusive, it’s very common to forget them after all” She sets the teacup on her plate, and the plate on the table, and then she gets up from her chair. “Well” She gropes around for the other utensils in the table and starts organizing them, before directing her smile at my general direction “It must be getting a little past the closing time for the clubs, and we should be leaving soon, so I’m going to take care of the table”

A faint sensation rises from my gut, and I get up to say “don’t worry” almost as if I were possessed by a desire I only vaguely understand. “I’ll take care of it” Lilly opens her eyes tilts her head slightly, her expression of tranquil joy is replaced by one of surprised and almost child-like curiosity “Are you sure, Hisao?” I look out the window for a moment, it’s almost nighttime, but a decreasing sliver of the sun is still remaining. This sunset feels so enchanting, just in the same way of that afternoon.

I turn to Lilly and give her a smile, a little sad that she can’t see it. “I insist”

[Scissorlips]

Welcome to the forums and the community here. Not a bad story, I hope you don't mind some constructive feedback.
While small little detached stories like this can be quite enjoyable, they still need to have some sort of impact, some sort of point. There isn't really any point to this story, there's nothing to take away. None of the characters change because of anything that happened, Hisao told Lilly about a dream he had and then that was the end. While it was interesting to see Hisao lying to Lilly (and some would say that turnabout is fair play), it didn't really go anywhere or lead to anything. The story could have been improved if, really, anyone here had learned something. I know you said it was partly based off a dream that you had, and that's okay, dreams can be a great source of inspiration sometimes. But it's the same as when people take famous scenes from movies and stick KS characters in them. If it's the exact same lines but with a couple "wahaha's" thrown in, there's no point.
I think you did a good job with Lilly's character, and your overall style needs some smoothing out in form and function (make sure you always capitalize "I" when it's by itself), but a lot of that comes with time and practice. Just keep writing, keep making mistakes, and most importantly of all, keep learning from them.

[Dream]

Thanks for the welcome, and i don't mind constructive criticism at all, on the contrary.
I admit i am a bit intrigued at what you refer to with things going somewhere, that "impact/point", do you refer to character development, an emotional reaction from the reader, or something aside from that? And yes, the story was pretty poorly written and thought-out, a mistake that hopefully won't be repeated. I didn't really intend for the story to lead anywhere, more than anything it was just something i couldn't get out of my head. I'm quite surprised to hear i did a good job with Lilly's character given my usual impression that i don't understand her, and i'm sure my style needs a lot of improvement, to put it midly, which i can only get throught practice and learning from mistakes. Thanks for the criticism.

[Scissorlips]

Thanks for the welcome, and i don't mind constructive criticism at all, on the contrary.
I admit i am a bit intrigued at what you refer to with things going somewhere, that "impact/point", do you refer to character development, an emotional reaction from the reader, or something aside from that? And yes, the story was pretty poorly written and thought-out, a mistake that hopefully won't be repeated. I didn't really intend for the story to lead anywhere, more than anything it was just something i couldn't get out of my head. I'm quite surprised to hear i did a good job with Lilly's character given my usual impression that i don't understand her, and i'm sure my style needs a lot of improvement, to put it midly, which i can only get throught practice and learning from mistakes. Thanks for the criticism.

Well, let me see if I can rack my head for a good analogy. Say you're reading a story about a man going to the store. He leaves the house, he goes to the store, and he buys a drink. Then he drinks it. Then the story ends.

There wasn't any point to that story, there was nothing to gain from reading it and really only some of your free time to lose. I don't at all mean that your story was that pointless or bad, what I mean is that, any story needs to have a purpose, it needs to have a reason in order to have merit. In this piece, all that really happens is that Hisao tells Lilly about a dream he's been having.
If you set it during Hanako's route, and showed that Hisao was trying to come to grips with his trouble with getting close to Hanako through his dreams, then there would be a reason for the story, does that make sense? If it was set during Lilly's route, and Hisao is telling her this to gauge her reaction and maybe see how good he is at being the one doing the subterfuge for a change, then there would also be a point to the story.
Even small little slice of life stories that just have the characters hanging out and interacting, they still need to do something interesting, they still need to have a point. If you had Hisao, Shizune and Misha eating at the Shanghai, if all they did was sit there and munch on sandwiches, it would be a dry piece. But if, in their conversation, we learned something new about one of them, or they talked about something that had happened in the game and so we get to see a different perspective on it, then the piece becomes interesting.