To Rise Again (Revised 10-4-12) WIP
Posted: Sat Sep 01, 2012 11:01 pm
This is how it ends, one little slip and splat! I should have never gone up to the roof with Kenji and just gone to the festival. Now there is nothing but darkness.
“It would help if you would open your eyes,” a far off voice says, “You look awfully silly just lying there with your eyes closed.”
…I AM NOT DEAD.
“I wouldn’t go that far, yet,” he continues, “but it would be nice to have this conversion with someone that has their eyes open.”
I open my eyes. I am in a forest and a man is sitting under a…what appears to be a canopy of stars. “Where am I if I am not dead? Who are you? Are you Death? What-“
“Slow down Hisao. One, I didn’t say you weren’t dead. I said you weren’t dead yet. As for this place, the best way I can describe it is the place is ‘the between’ were choices are made. I am the Caretaker.”
I watch the man get up, dust himself off, and start walking over towards me. I can’t describe him other than just a man, a non-descript man wearing non-descript clothes. “What do you take care of?”
“Souls, I take care of souls. I help them to either move on or go back,” his speaks with an odd voice. I just notice that it has a musical quality about it. ”Sometimes, a soul cannot decide to move on or go back to the life it has, hence, this place ‘the between’ where the choice is made.”
“You mean there is always choice? Did I have the choice when I first heart attack?”
“They are always full of questions,” the Caretaker mumbles to himself, “I will answer these questions, then we have to continue from this subject. There is not always a choice. Sometimes, there is no choice other than to move on. A person in a car accident,” there is a strange look in his eyes like there is a secret, “cannot go back if the body can no longer support it. Your first heart attack, while painful, wasn’t life threating at that time, but it did call my attention to you.”
“I am here to make a choice, to live or to die?”
“Yes. That tumble off the roof has damaged your body, but your Soul can return. It will be a challenge, but you have the strength to did it…well…with a little help from others. You can move on now, and you will find some measure of peace.”
“How long do I have to decide?”
“We are among heartbeats, however, those heartbeats are slowing down,” he looks over at me. I think he is looking at me. ”Come with me, I will show you someone that may help you decide. Do not dawdle because we have a limited amount time before your choice.”
I start walking with him and the landscape runs like a watercolor painting. The world is now a full of running colors and swirling of colors. We are in a room. There are no decorations. The world becomes muted. All the sound is muffle as if I was wearing earmuffs. “Shizune,” I whisper.
“Tell me what you see, Hisao,” his speak softly.
“It is Shizune,” I stare at her. I knew she was cute, but I never notice how beautiful she was when she is working on a project. It is her eyes. There is the competiveness that she showed me when we played Risk, but I didn’t notice how full life they were when she is this way. She is breath taking. “Why didn’t I notice it before?”
“That is part of it, but we are not here just for that. Look deeper, this is important.”
I look at Shizune. She starts to change before my eyes. She becomes array of colors and feelings; like an ocean that washes over me. Determination, friendship, and that aggressiveness that defines her, however, it is tinged with regret. There was a strong feeling of fear that overlaid those emotions. She afraid of something, I sense it, so terrible that it plagues her; it doesn’t keep her from moving forward
“Why is she so afraid?”
“Keep looking,” his eyes still are upon me.
She is afraid of being alone and having no future in her life! It must be terrifying for her to be deaf and thought of having no direction in her life in a world of silence. I know that feeling. I felt those feelings as the days passed in the hospital. One by one my friends left me alone, to be cast aside for more interesting things because my life stop.
“No, that is not the reason Hisao and you know it,” Caretaker reprimands me, “Life must continue for everyone. If you chose to go back, you must allow life to continue no matter what happens.”
“I am...or was…afraid to be different. To be known as the boy with the bad heart.”
“You are that only if you chose to be that, and what do you mean ‘was’? Have you made your choice?”
I look at him and back to Shizune. She faces her fears every day. Her competitive nature challenges that fear to hold her back, like in that game of Risk, Shizune has the winning moves. “I want her to know she never have to be afraid of having no direction. I want to…”
He puts his hand on my shoulder, “I know,” his words cause me to look at him. We are back in the forest again. He starts to stare at the stars. “It is time. You must make your choice now.”
“I want to go back,” I say after a moment’s thought, “I need to go back. I want…”
“I know Hiaso,” he says gently,” You will face more pain. You will have to find the strength to overcome it.” He reaches out and gently touches my shoulder,” I am not just talking about the psychical pain.”
“Will I remember this?” I am not sure if I want to, but I know I need to remember.
“Some, but it is time to go back now,” the Caretaker pushes me back softly. I feel like I am slowly floating down like a feather…
“WE GOT A HEARTBEAT! MOVE!” a voice shout, “Hang in there, Hisao!”
“Shizune, Don't be...”
“Don’t try to move,” it is the Nurse,” WHERE IS THAT MORPHINE?”
A voice calls out, “Here!”
The world goes dark again right after a flash of fireworks and a face staring at me. Shizune looking at me, challenging me, and I thought for a minute I swear I saw her with tears on her face.
I awaken to voices, “Three ribs broken, a Le Fort III fractures, and Clavicle Fractures. Heart appears to be reacting well to treatment...,” then silence again. I am aware of movement down a hallway. I cannot seem to open my eyes. I try to talk, but my thoughts cannot communicate with my mouth.
“He is all yours,” a man voice speaks above me.
“How has he been?” a woman’s voice over a speaker calls out.
“They are keeping him in a coma for the most part…poor kid. It is difficult to be messed up this bad, but he doesn’t even know his parents are dead.”
I want scream or cry out. My body doesn’t react. My mind is torturing me with images of my parents. They may have worked all the time, but they were always there when I needed them. I am alone. I have no one. HELP ME! WHY DID THIS HAPPEN! Darkness takes me again.
“…we have stopped the propanol six hours ago. He should start coming around soon. I am glad you could be here. I think a friendly voice would be best right now,” an unknown voice is talking to someone. My eyes try to open, but I still cannot lift my eyes lids. I think they are covered with something.
“W-who is there?” I croak out. My throat feels like dry as the beach my parents…DAMN.
“Hisao?” It is the Nurse from the school. “You’re awake, good. Here take a small sip of water; just small sips.”
The water slowly goes down. It feels like I have not had the thing to drink in weeks. Was it all a dream from the medicine?
“What happen?” I am confused with this new reality facing me.
“Well, you did your best impersonation of a Pachinko marble,” I can feel his grin, “You fell off the roof the school and decided to bounce around in one tree on the way down to the shrubs. You broke some ribs, your shoulder, and some bones in your face. You damaged your right eye…you will be blind in that eye now. Hiaso…your parents…”
“I-it wasn’t a dream then…they...they…are dead…aren’t they?” The words come out barely above a whisper.
“Yes. I am sorry, Hisao, “he speaks quietly.
I can feel his eyes on me. I will not cry. I say nothing for a while. “How did it happen?”
“Sigh…They were on their way to the hospital and a drunk driver hit their car. He was speeding and…sigh…they died at impact.”
“It’s my fault…if I had not gotten drunk and fell off the roof…it’s all my fault...I did-“
“No, Hisao,” he gently touches my shoulder, “You must not think that; never think that it is your fault.” I hear movement to my left. “I am going to give something to relax you. Your heart is fine right now, but I think you have had enough stress for right now. Get some rest. We will talk tomorrow.”
Darkness is welcome. I do not want feel anything more, no pain and no guilt. I drift in that void for hours…weeks…months. I do not want to wake up and face what I cause. They are gone because of me. I allow the darkness to take me fully into its embrace.
“Hisao, are you awake?” It is the Nurse again.
“Yes,” whisper to him.
I do not want to speak. I do not want to feel anything anymore…there is nothing to left to feel but being alone.
“We are going to remove some of the bandages from your head. Don't move your head,” he commands. I feel the scissors cutting the bandages around my face. I do not want to see the light. I just want the darkness. I feel the bandages fall away from my head as he gently lifts from the back. “I need to move the tape from your left eye it might hurt a little. We have to keep your right side of your face cover for now.”
Good. I deserve to feel pain. I deserve to suffer for my crime. I feel the hair on my eye brows pull a little, but there is no pain. I curse his gentleness. “Okay. That wasn’t bad, was it? I want you to open your eye Hisao.”
I open my eye. The light pierces my eye. I am grateful the pain, but it goes away. I see that I am in a typical hospital room. Once again, I am hook up with wires on my chest to for my heart. I look around the room trying to get use the new perspective my eye gives me. I see cards and flowers. I am a class project again. “How long have I been here?”
“You have been in a coma for eight weeks,” he look at me for any reaction, ”We thought it best to let you mostly heal because of your condition.”
Of course, arrhythmia, we cause a lot of damage together hadn’t we? The Nurse speaking to me about therapy and how many people visited me.
I don’t listen until he touches me, “Are you okay? You need anything. Some books from the library?”
“I am fine. I don’t need anything. I am feeling tired right now,” l lie to him.
I would love nothing else to get lost in a book, but I don’t want to get lost. It isn’t right for me to enjoy life.
“Okay,” he gets up and heads to the door. He turns to me, “Hisao, I know this doesn’t help me, but these things happen. It will get better in time; even these injuries heal.” He turns the lights off and leaves.
Once again, I allow the darkness takes me.
The days pass, I start my therapy. It hurts at first. Muscles that haven’t been used for weeks give the pain I deserve. That soon passes after a few days of walking and stretching. After a week, I get a visitor, “Shizune?” I now speak in whispers.
Shizune walks into my room carrying a bag. She hands me a note.
[I brought your textbooks and homework assignments. I am sorry about your parents.] I look at the note. I can’t feel anything. I won’t allow it. I nod at her and turn to look out the window. She taps me on shoulder and hands me another note.
[Can I help?] I guess Misha isn’t allowed in my wing. Too loud, I guess or could be Nurse's order. I write back to her.
[I am fine. Thanks for asking.] I hand it back to her fully expecting her to leave, but she doesn’t. She hands another note to me.
[Liar!]
I look at note and then at her. She is standing there with her arms crossed with her typical glare. I throw the notepad across the room. “YOU DARE JUDGE ME? IAM NOT YOUR FLUNKY! I AM NOT YOUR SCIOPHANT THAT BOWS BEFORE YOU!” I am screaming at her before I could stop myself. I take a breath and walk over to pick up the notepad.
[Leave me alone.]
She reads it and looks at me. She shakes her head, is she telling me no or just dismissing some thought. She looks at me and slams a notepad on my table. She walks out the door. I look at the note on the table and at the door. It just has a simple message or a warning. I am not sure.
[I will see you tomorrow!]
“Why won’t you just leave it alone?” I asked an empty room.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
“It would help if you would open your eyes,” a far off voice says, “You look awfully silly just lying there with your eyes closed.”
…I AM NOT DEAD.
“I wouldn’t go that far, yet,” he continues, “but it would be nice to have this conversion with someone that has their eyes open.”
I open my eyes. I am in a forest and a man is sitting under a…what appears to be a canopy of stars. “Where am I if I am not dead? Who are you? Are you Death? What-“
“Slow down Hisao. One, I didn’t say you weren’t dead. I said you weren’t dead yet. As for this place, the best way I can describe it is the place is ‘the between’ were choices are made. I am the Caretaker.”
I watch the man get up, dust himself off, and start walking over towards me. I can’t describe him other than just a man, a non-descript man wearing non-descript clothes. “What do you take care of?”
“Souls, I take care of souls. I help them to either move on or go back,” his speaks with an odd voice. I just notice that it has a musical quality about it. ”Sometimes, a soul cannot decide to move on or go back to the life it has, hence, this place ‘the between’ where the choice is made.”
“You mean there is always choice? Did I have the choice when I first heart attack?”
“They are always full of questions,” the Caretaker mumbles to himself, “I will answer these questions, then we have to continue from this subject. There is not always a choice. Sometimes, there is no choice other than to move on. A person in a car accident,” there is a strange look in his eyes like there is a secret, “cannot go back if the body can no longer support it. Your first heart attack, while painful, wasn’t life threating at that time, but it did call my attention to you.”
“I am here to make a choice, to live or to die?”
“Yes. That tumble off the roof has damaged your body, but your Soul can return. It will be a challenge, but you have the strength to did it…well…with a little help from others. You can move on now, and you will find some measure of peace.”
“How long do I have to decide?”
“We are among heartbeats, however, those heartbeats are slowing down,” he looks over at me. I think he is looking at me. ”Come with me, I will show you someone that may help you decide. Do not dawdle because we have a limited amount time before your choice.”
I start walking with him and the landscape runs like a watercolor painting. The world is now a full of running colors and swirling of colors. We are in a room. There are no decorations. The world becomes muted. All the sound is muffle as if I was wearing earmuffs. “Shizune,” I whisper.
“Tell me what you see, Hisao,” his speak softly.
“It is Shizune,” I stare at her. I knew she was cute, but I never notice how beautiful she was when she is working on a project. It is her eyes. There is the competiveness that she showed me when we played Risk, but I didn’t notice how full life they were when she is this way. She is breath taking. “Why didn’t I notice it before?”
“That is part of it, but we are not here just for that. Look deeper, this is important.”
I look at Shizune. She starts to change before my eyes. She becomes array of colors and feelings; like an ocean that washes over me. Determination, friendship, and that aggressiveness that defines her, however, it is tinged with regret. There was a strong feeling of fear that overlaid those emotions. She afraid of something, I sense it, so terrible that it plagues her; it doesn’t keep her from moving forward
“Why is she so afraid?”
“Keep looking,” his eyes still are upon me.
She is afraid of being alone and having no future in her life! It must be terrifying for her to be deaf and thought of having no direction in her life in a world of silence. I know that feeling. I felt those feelings as the days passed in the hospital. One by one my friends left me alone, to be cast aside for more interesting things because my life stop.
“No, that is not the reason Hisao and you know it,” Caretaker reprimands me, “Life must continue for everyone. If you chose to go back, you must allow life to continue no matter what happens.”
“I am...or was…afraid to be different. To be known as the boy with the bad heart.”
“You are that only if you chose to be that, and what do you mean ‘was’? Have you made your choice?”
I look at him and back to Shizune. She faces her fears every day. Her competitive nature challenges that fear to hold her back, like in that game of Risk, Shizune has the winning moves. “I want her to know she never have to be afraid of having no direction. I want to…”
He puts his hand on my shoulder, “I know,” his words cause me to look at him. We are back in the forest again. He starts to stare at the stars. “It is time. You must make your choice now.”
“I want to go back,” I say after a moment’s thought, “I need to go back. I want…”
“I know Hiaso,” he says gently,” You will face more pain. You will have to find the strength to overcome it.” He reaches out and gently touches my shoulder,” I am not just talking about the psychical pain.”
“Will I remember this?” I am not sure if I want to, but I know I need to remember.
“Some, but it is time to go back now,” the Caretaker pushes me back softly. I feel like I am slowly floating down like a feather…
“WE GOT A HEARTBEAT! MOVE!” a voice shout, “Hang in there, Hisao!”
“Shizune, Don't be...”
“Don’t try to move,” it is the Nurse,” WHERE IS THAT MORPHINE?”
A voice calls out, “Here!”
The world goes dark again right after a flash of fireworks and a face staring at me. Shizune looking at me, challenging me, and I thought for a minute I swear I saw her with tears on her face.
I awaken to voices, “Three ribs broken, a Le Fort III fractures, and Clavicle Fractures. Heart appears to be reacting well to treatment...,” then silence again. I am aware of movement down a hallway. I cannot seem to open my eyes. I try to talk, but my thoughts cannot communicate with my mouth.
“He is all yours,” a man voice speaks above me.
“How has he been?” a woman’s voice over a speaker calls out.
“They are keeping him in a coma for the most part…poor kid. It is difficult to be messed up this bad, but he doesn’t even know his parents are dead.”
I want scream or cry out. My body doesn’t react. My mind is torturing me with images of my parents. They may have worked all the time, but they were always there when I needed them. I am alone. I have no one. HELP ME! WHY DID THIS HAPPEN! Darkness takes me again.
“…we have stopped the propanol six hours ago. He should start coming around soon. I am glad you could be here. I think a friendly voice would be best right now,” an unknown voice is talking to someone. My eyes try to open, but I still cannot lift my eyes lids. I think they are covered with something.
“W-who is there?” I croak out. My throat feels like dry as the beach my parents…DAMN.
“Hisao?” It is the Nurse from the school. “You’re awake, good. Here take a small sip of water; just small sips.”
The water slowly goes down. It feels like I have not had the thing to drink in weeks. Was it all a dream from the medicine?
“What happen?” I am confused with this new reality facing me.
“Well, you did your best impersonation of a Pachinko marble,” I can feel his grin, “You fell off the roof the school and decided to bounce around in one tree on the way down to the shrubs. You broke some ribs, your shoulder, and some bones in your face. You damaged your right eye…you will be blind in that eye now. Hiaso…your parents…”
“I-it wasn’t a dream then…they...they…are dead…aren’t they?” The words come out barely above a whisper.
“Yes. I am sorry, Hisao, “he speaks quietly.
I can feel his eyes on me. I will not cry. I say nothing for a while. “How did it happen?”
“Sigh…They were on their way to the hospital and a drunk driver hit their car. He was speeding and…sigh…they died at impact.”
“It’s my fault…if I had not gotten drunk and fell off the roof…it’s all my fault...I did-“
“No, Hisao,” he gently touches my shoulder, “You must not think that; never think that it is your fault.” I hear movement to my left. “I am going to give something to relax you. Your heart is fine right now, but I think you have had enough stress for right now. Get some rest. We will talk tomorrow.”
Darkness is welcome. I do not want feel anything more, no pain and no guilt. I drift in that void for hours…weeks…months. I do not want to wake up and face what I cause. They are gone because of me. I allow the darkness to take me fully into its embrace.
“Hisao, are you awake?” It is the Nurse again.
“Yes,” whisper to him.
I do not want to speak. I do not want to feel anything anymore…there is nothing to left to feel but being alone.
“We are going to remove some of the bandages from your head. Don't move your head,” he commands. I feel the scissors cutting the bandages around my face. I do not want to see the light. I just want the darkness. I feel the bandages fall away from my head as he gently lifts from the back. “I need to move the tape from your left eye it might hurt a little. We have to keep your right side of your face cover for now.”
Good. I deserve to feel pain. I deserve to suffer for my crime. I feel the hair on my eye brows pull a little, but there is no pain. I curse his gentleness. “Okay. That wasn’t bad, was it? I want you to open your eye Hisao.”
I open my eye. The light pierces my eye. I am grateful the pain, but it goes away. I see that I am in a typical hospital room. Once again, I am hook up with wires on my chest to for my heart. I look around the room trying to get use the new perspective my eye gives me. I see cards and flowers. I am a class project again. “How long have I been here?”
“You have been in a coma for eight weeks,” he look at me for any reaction, ”We thought it best to let you mostly heal because of your condition.”
Of course, arrhythmia, we cause a lot of damage together hadn’t we? The Nurse speaking to me about therapy and how many people visited me.
I don’t listen until he touches me, “Are you okay? You need anything. Some books from the library?”
“I am fine. I don’t need anything. I am feeling tired right now,” l lie to him.
I would love nothing else to get lost in a book, but I don’t want to get lost. It isn’t right for me to enjoy life.
“Okay,” he gets up and heads to the door. He turns to me, “Hisao, I know this doesn’t help me, but these things happen. It will get better in time; even these injuries heal.” He turns the lights off and leaves.
Once again, I allow the darkness takes me.
The days pass, I start my therapy. It hurts at first. Muscles that haven’t been used for weeks give the pain I deserve. That soon passes after a few days of walking and stretching. After a week, I get a visitor, “Shizune?” I now speak in whispers.
Shizune walks into my room carrying a bag. She hands me a note.
[I brought your textbooks and homework assignments. I am sorry about your parents.] I look at the note. I can’t feel anything. I won’t allow it. I nod at her and turn to look out the window. She taps me on shoulder and hands me another note.
[Can I help?] I guess Misha isn’t allowed in my wing. Too loud, I guess or could be Nurse's order. I write back to her.
[I am fine. Thanks for asking.] I hand it back to her fully expecting her to leave, but she doesn’t. She hands another note to me.
[Liar!]
I look at note and then at her. She is standing there with her arms crossed with her typical glare. I throw the notepad across the room. “YOU DARE JUDGE ME? IAM NOT YOUR FLUNKY! I AM NOT YOUR SCIOPHANT THAT BOWS BEFORE YOU!” I am screaming at her before I could stop myself. I take a breath and walk over to pick up the notepad.
[Leave me alone.]
She reads it and looks at me. She shakes her head, is she telling me no or just dismissing some thought. She looks at me and slams a notepad on my table. She walks out the door. I look at the note on the table and at the door. It just has a simple message or a warning. I am not sure.
[I will see you tomorrow!]
“Why won’t you just leave it alone?” I asked an empty room.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________